


The Cuddle Snuggle App

by Crazyheart



Series: Apps of Love [6]
Category: SKAM (Norway), SKAM (TV)
Genre: 1st Year Isak, Angst and Fluff and Smut, Coming Out, Couch Cuddles, Cuddle Sex, Cuddles, Cuddling & Snuggling, Drunk Isak Valtersen, Eventual Smut, Explicit Fanart, Falling In Love, Fluff, Fluff and Smut, Friends to Lovers, Friendship, Gay Character, Horny Even, Horny Isak, M/M, Masturbation, Mentions of Mental Illness, Mentions of Suicidal Attempt, Mutual Pining, Not So Platonic Cuddling, POV Alternating, Pansexual Character, Platonic Cuddling, Sexual Tension, Silly Boys, Smexy times, Smut, Summer, Texting, Unresolved Sexual Tension, annoying rules, drunk and horny isak, isak in charge, more smut, now also with visual aid (fanart), professional cuddler, professional cuddler app, sleepy and cuddly boys, touch deprived Even, touch deprived Isak, woops something turned slightly smutty without meaning to
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-05
Updated: 2018-10-02
Packaged: 2019-02-28 16:54:22
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 124,934
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13275804
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Crazyheart/pseuds/Crazyheart
Summary: Halfway through Even's third year, he is diagnosed with bipolar disorder. When Isak is 16, he moves away from his troubled mother. Both boys have turned their lives upside down, and their new lives are more or less lonely and touch deprived. They meet when Even downloads a cuddler app (mostly for his film project, but also because he needs the touch) and Isak becomes his professional cuddler. They are both determined to keep the cuddling friendly and platonic, but it proves to be difficult...This is part of a series of fics with free-standing storylines. The only common thing is the apps. :D





	1. Touch me

**Author's Note:**

> I have waited so long to start posting this fic! I started to write on it months ago but it has been "parked" because of all the challenges in December. Now I can finally do it! I'm so excited. I don't know, I just like the idea of Isak as a personal cuddler. 
> 
> About that, Isak is turning 17 years old here, and that's a little early to be a professional cuddler, of course. I'm aware of that. Most apps like these have an 18 year old limit. I just wanted Isak and Even to meet when they both were having a rough time, so then it had to happen like this. 
> 
> Thank you so much [@evakuality](https://archiveofourown.org/users/evakuality/pseuds/evakuality) , [@arindwell](https://archiveofourown.org/users/arindwell/pseuds/arindwell) and [@coolauintskam](https://archiveofourown.org/users/coolauintskam/pseuds/coolauintskam) for proofreading and beating and supporting me; you are amazing!
> 
> If you read this, please leave a comment, and tell me what you think!

##  **Even: A really creepy one**

– What foolish person would volunteer to spoon with a stranger? Sonja asked. She was standing in the doorway to Even’s room with a pose that reminded him of his Mom.

Sitting at his desk, Even’s jaw tightened. He didn't like the contempt in her voice, but he pushed the uneasy feeling away. He grinned. – Only a really creepy one, I suppose.

Sonja huffed. For a moment, he saw a glimpse of the girl he once fell in love with, the girl he always wanted to draw, and capture. Her lips curled in a little humoured smile, hiding the worry in her eyes. 

Even looked down, and let his hand brush over the pages in his notebook. The bleak light from the sun flowed over his desk and made his papers shine. His desk was like a glowing altar in the dim room. Even picked up his pencil. He wrote so quickly and hard into his notebook that he could hear the scratching on the paper.

It was early May and Even was still clawing his way out of his depression. His need to live and touch and feel, was slowly starting to wake up again. He had just had a huge manic episode followed by depression, where he fucked up his entire life, lost all his friends and ended up with a diagnosis.  _ Bipolar disorder. Yay. _

Even tapped his fingers on his desk. The depression melting away made him more and more desperate to do  _ something _ . Something more than his random shifts on Kaffebrenneriet. He had managed to go back to his work after his episodes, and his boss was very understanding, but it wasn’t enough. He needed to do something more.

He couldn't go back to school, after all. He had missed far too much when he was sick, and now it was almost the end of the school year. As if he ever wanted to return to Bakka. He couldn't ever go back there. The thought of all the questioning looks and silent whispers made him sick to his stomach. 

He had to do something, though. And  _ that _ had turned out to be to check out an app for meeting people to cuddle with.

– You know this is a stupid idea, Even, Sonja said, as she put her jacket on. – It's good to see you better, but you really could do something more useful than this. 

She probably was right. She often was.

– Yeah, well at least it's something to do, Even shrugged. 

Sonja looked as though she was about to come to give him a hug, but thought better of it (and it made Even sad, she had always been so good at grounding him, and he had been good for her, too). 

– Okay. I guess I can’t stop you, she said, and sighed. Then she turned away and walked to the door. – Well, I'll go now. Be careful, yeah?

Hell yeah, he would be. It was easy to make fun of an app like ´The Cuddle Snuggle App´. It was a little harder to summon the courage to try it. Just the thought of meeting up with a stranger and cuddle with him, was enough to make Even's stomach flip around.

– Of course, he muttered, not moving his eyes from his papers. – Bye, Sonja.

Sonja was so full of care and concern, and he knew he should be grateful. However, he still felt relieved as she left, and the silence filled the room. Now he could focus on his project and the app he wanted to check out. The Cuddle Snuggle App was like a weird social experiment masquerading as a tech service, and someone needed to get to the bottom of it. At least that was what Even told himself. 

So, he was planning to make a small documentary series, or a video blog, to be honest, about different technological service apps. The reason that he wanted to do it, and start with the cuddle app, had nothing to do with the fact that he needed a cuddle. Not at all. Well, maybe a little. Even pulled up his phone and looked at the app. He saw smiling faces and bold letters in bright colours. “Need a cuddle?” it said. “We’ll find it for you.”

Even desperately needed a cuddle. It was like a thirst in his bones, and an emptiness in his hands. 

He had Sonja, of course, but he just couldn't tolerate her touch right now. The depression was horrible like that. Even though they cared for each other, her touches itched, her concern made him cringe and her sad eyes made him feel guilty. He hated it. 

Even shut his eyes, trying not to think about it. No matter what the reason was, he was about to cuddle with a stranger in the name of ‘journalism’. Or something. He would sacrifice himself on the altar of really awkward new encounters, just for his handful of viewers on youtube. If he was lucky, he’d manage to make something worthwhile.

This was one of those situations where being a film nerd spurred him to try something he would’ve been curious about, but wouldn’t have had the guts to try otherwise. Even certainly missed hugs, head scratches, spooning, and the other moments that made him feel emotionally connected to another person. The idea that he could order that, instantaneously via an app, the same way he might order his dinner or transportation, was appealing as much as it was unsettling.

Hugs  _ shouldn’t _ require technology. Hugs were something only the truly pathetic would do with the aid of an app. weren't they?

The Cuddle Snuggle App was quite honestly a strange byproduct of the socially networked society, and there was something compelling about it. It made Even wonder:  _ Are we really willing to rely on an app to facilitate something as vulnerable and intimate as cuddling? And what does that say about our relationship to technology and each other?  _ That was the question he set out to answer. Nothing less.

Sana was the one who told him about it in the first place. It shouldn't really surprise him that his best buddy's little sister, the clever beauty who smiled with shining eyes and cute dimples, was the one. She had a knack for figuring out what bothered people, and then finding creative solutions to it.

He had bumped into her a few days ago, when he went to buy some cigarettes. Like always she made him open up, telling her that he and Sonja were struggling and that he mostly missed their hugs. He had even forgotten about the ghost of his diagnosis for a moment, and joked about hugs being therapeutic. 

Sana had told him about a friend of hers, Vilde, who had tried this app where you could either meet professional cuddlers or meet other people interested in cuddling. Vilde had liked it so much that she started to work as a professional cuddler. Even was intrigued, and asked a lot of questions. Sana answered. They also talked about other service apps, for shopping, transport, cleaning, dating, friendships and even fake boyfriends or girlfriends. The talk made Even tingle with curiosity. He knew that he had to check this out. And the cuddling was first.

Of course he could have just interviewed this girl called Vilde. But he wanted to do more than that. He wanted to live out the experience.

Now, just a few days later, Even was ready to have a go. He filmed himself while he downloaded the app and tried to figure out how it all worked. He fumbled a bit, but thought that just would make the video funnier. A little humour could never hurt.

After a day spent requesting matches with other cuddlers, he struck out. Although people connected with him on the app, when it came time to actually meet up everyone wimped out. One person just responded ‘this app is ridiculous.’ Another sent Even his number, but said he was out of town. 

Even was disappointed, but it was understandable. Although online dating apps had conditioned people to overcome the awkwardness of stranger interactions, it was a whole separate story to get physically intimate with said stranger. 

Even thought for a moment, and decided to try a professional cuddler instead. That felt a little safer, too. He used his app to search for professional cuddlers in Oslo, and several popped up on the map. He contacted the ones looking like they were about his age. Most of them were women. Then he heard from someone calling himself Isak. The picture of him made Even draw his breath. He was damn cute. 

Isak messaged him on the app:  _ Hi, I’m Isak, and I can be your professional Cuddle Snuggle guy! _

Even's heart pounded, as he typed an answer.  _ Hi, Isak, this is Even. I could really use a hug or two. :) _

_ You've come to the right guy, then, Even. :) _

Even smiled, wiping his clammy hands against his bouncing knees. Fuck, what should he write? 

_ That's cool. How old are you?  _ Even asked, and was surprised by the answer.

_ 17 years old in June _ , Isak answered _. _

_ Isn't that a bit young? Are you old enough for this? _

_ For this app I am. :) And I just cuddle with people about my age, anyway. _

_ Probably smart. I'm 19, by the way. _

_ Yeah, I saw that. So, can I trust that you are an honest guy? _

Even stared confusedly on his phone. _ Sure, why? _

_ Haha, I just wonder if you're the guy on the photo. You wouldn't believe how many customers I have met who turned out to be anything but what they claimed. ;) _

That made Even a little nervous; he guessed only a gay or bi-curious man would care whether a male customer looked like his pictures. Or was it just because of his age?

_ What you see is what you get,  _ he typed. If he was a little nervous up until that, his heart started racing when Isak told him:  _ I must say I think you’re pretty hot ;) _

Oh fuck. Isak didn't exactly ask Even to stay the night, but Even still felt the sudden fear that this was a hookup app masquerading as cuddles. At this point he was regretting his oh-so-brilliant story idea, but he was in too deep to back out. He refused to be the chicken in this scenario. So instead, he set some boundaries, said he wasn’t looking for sex.

Isak readily agreed.  _ I'm sorry I commented on your good looks, it was just a slip,  _ he texted.  _ This is platonic cuddling only _ . :)  _ You read the rules, right? _

_ No worries,  _ Even replied.  _ You’re hot, too. Now, we’re even. :) From now on, let’s keep this shit platonic. _

_ Yeah, let’s. It's maybe best if we meet somewhere public the first time, too. And remember, if you don't want to cuddle we can talk or maybe play a game.  _

_ Great.  _ Even paused for a moment, afraid to ask his next question. Finally he typed:  _ I know this is weird, but I am doing this partly as a film project about service apps. Would you mind if I interviewed you and maybe filmed a clip or two? _

He had to wait a moment for the answer. Then:  _ Fine, but I want to see it before you post anything. _

_ Of course! Thank you so much. _

_ No worries. So, do you want to meet today? _

Even's heart sped up again. Suddenly he couldn't sit still, he had too much nervous energy in his body. He stood up, and started pacing the floor as he typed his answer.  _ Yeah, if that's all right. _

_ Yes, I look forward to hold you in my arms, Even.  _

Oh. Even felt a tingling feeling in his stomach, that he pushed away. They texted back and forth to set the time and place. Their texting continued to have this silent subtext of: “I hope you’re not a serial killer! :)” “I hope you’re not either! ;)”

Even paid for a two hour session online and put on his lucky jean jacket, packed his camera and caught the tram to the park where they were about to meet. All the time his pulse was loud and clear in his ears, and he had a tense feeling in his gut. He couldn't believe that he actually would go through with this. For a moment he wondered if he should text Sonja where they were meeting and tell her to call the cops if she didn't hear from him in an hour. But it just felt so wrong texting her like that. This was just a platonic meeting, but it still felt like he was doing something hurtful to her. It was like he opened up for her to ask him why he could hug a stranger and not hug her. He wouldn't have any good answer to that.

Even was feeling sweaty and jittery when he went to the park. His heart was still threatening to burst forth from his ribcage. This shit would probably go down in his life as one of the braver things he’d ever done. If he hadn’t been in it for the story he might have split and run in that moment. 

Even felt his heart speed up when he saw Isak standing next to a bench in the park. He looked better in real life than in the photo. Isak was fucking  _ hot _ . Golden curls, captivating eyes, a mouth to die for and a lean body. A hint of sadness in his smiling eyes, just enough to make Even curious.  _ Remember, only platonic cuddling. Fuck _ .

It was the first time Even was attracted to a new person in a long, long time. It had just been Sonja for so long. Before Sonja he only had crushes that never led to anything. 

Even approached Isak, hiding his nerves with a wide grin. His sexuality and attraction shouldn't matter in this situation. 

Being pansexual was something Even had always known to be true about himself. He was always aware that his attraction to people wasn't limited by their gender or sex, but of course he lacked the words to explain this. At 12 years old he was introduced to the term bisexual by a friend, and he felt as though he had a word for how he felt. Years later, pansexuality entered his vocabulary, and it had stayed with him ever since. 

With being openly pansexual came the inevitable questioning. Questions about what it meant, if it was a "real" thing, and whether or not it was a phase. So most of the time he had been with Sonja, he’d kept it all to himself. It almost made him feel like anybody else. Safe. Now this guy with golden curls and crooked smile shook him out of that safety.

Green eyes peered up at him under a red snapback. – You’re not a serial killer are you? Isak said with a smile. 

Even swallowed hard. – Not the last time I checked, he replied, biting his lip and trying to find a safe place to look that didn’t seem like he was ogling the other guy. Isak was lean, and just an inch or two shorter than Even. He wouldn't have guessed that Isak were two years younger than him, if he didn't know it. 

He wondered if he ever had been so attracted to another person before. He’d kissed a girl before Sonja, and someone gender fluid when he was 16, and Sonja and him were on a break. He had crushed on his best friend for a long time, and had recently tried to kiss him. When he was manic. Apart from that, he'd been boring, really. Of course he could notice attractive people; he wasn't blind. He just couldn't recall feeling like this.

They shook hands, and bumped their shoulders. Lightning immediately blazed up Even’s arm and sent sparks shooting throughout his body.  _ Oh, this did not bode well at all. _ He wasn't sure if Isak felt anything on his end, although he didn't seem to be in a particular hurry to let go of his hand.

Isak finally climbed up on the bench so he sat on the back rest, and invited Even to follow. His smile was a little crooked. – I brought some sodas, he said, and pulled out one for each of them out of his bag. – Sometimes it’s nice to have something to hold in your hands.

– Thanks, just a minute, Even said as he set up his camera in front of the bench, looking at Isak as he adjusted it. Isak looked a little self conscious, but mostly at ease. He had done this before, well, without the camera, but he probably knew what he was up to. Even had no idea. Luckily, the motions of setting up the camera helped him calm down. He moved away from the camera, sat down next to Isak and accepted the drink. 

– So. What do we do, then? he asked. 

Isak looked at him with an intense, green gaze. – Well, you can use this time, as long as you're paying and it's appropriate and the snuggler is cool with it, to do whatever you want, Isak said. – We can just talk for a while, or hug, or do something completely different. 

Even felt like his brain was scrambled. – Sounds good to start with talking, he said, as he tried to remember all the clever questions he had prepared. He couldn't remember a single one of them. – So.. Uh… Have you been doing this for a long time?

Isak smiled, and showed some cute gaps in his teeth. – Nah, about a month or so. It's not exactly a lot of work, because the female cuddlers are more popular, but it’s a little income, and I decide how much I want to work all the time.  

Even had to smile back. – So you like this job, then? 

Isak nodded. – I really do. It’s a little weird, because I'm not really that tactile, but I do. I like to help people, and it’s nice. You know, spooning and cuddling can release the hormone oxytocin, which promotes beneficial outcomes like reducing anxiety and promoting trust building. It releases serotonin, too, and endorphins. It’s good stuff.

Even smiled against his own will. He had to admit that the nerd factor of the guy was charming. – Sounds good. But what are the downsides to this job? he asked.

Isak shrugged and leaned a little closer. Way too close. Even swallowed convulsively and tried to ignore the heat radiating off Isak and the scent of him.

– Well, I've had to say no to some customers who didn’t think of hygiene, or who put too little clothes on. One or two have tried to get in my pants. And, well, there are some socially awkward customers, of course, but that's not really a problem. 

He paused, and leaned back, leaving Even feeling both a little relieved and disappointed. – But, of course, boners happen, he said, as his cheeks turned a little red. – It's not something that you can necessarily control, and it’s not the end of the world either. A lot of guys aren't used to be touched, you know. 

– Yeah, I know, Even muttered. – But what do you do if… boners happen?

– Well, we can take a break. Arousal is not a dealbreaker, but of course we have our “no sexual activity” contract for a reason.

– Yeah, of course, Even nodded, feeling hot in his head. Talking about boners with this cute guy felt too risky. Still, he had to ask another question: – What if you would fall in love with a customer, or vice versa?

Isak smiled, like that was a weird idea. – Well, it won’t happen. It's only permitted to contact me for scheduling appointments, nothing else. And the rules says there’s a quarantine of four months to meet up romantically after a cuddling session.

Even raised his eyebrows. – So if you and I fell in love or something, we would have to wait four months to have a date?

Damn, he had formed the question before he thought it through. The idea of Isak and him falling in love was far too believable. From his side, anyway.

Isak stared at him, but then he laughed, and almost looked like he was blushing. – Date? Do you date, Even? I thought dating was something in American movies?

He licked his lip, and Even couldn't tear his eyes away. – Well, go out together, then, he shrugged, as he tried to hide how hot and bothered he suddenly was. – Become boyfriends. Call it what you like. Would we have to wait?

Isak looked at him with a slow gaze. – Yeah. At least four months. It’s to ensure no fishy business, you know. This isn't a dating app.

– I get that, Even said, still feeling hot. Well, falling in love wasn't an option anyway. He had a girlfriend. So why did he feel so attracted to Isak?

Well, he wasn't just attracted to him, he felt at ease, too. As they continued chatting he realized that Isak somehow made him open up and say more than he thought he would. Maybe because he was open, too. When they talked about life, and what led them to The Cuddle Snuggle App, Isak shrugged and said: – I’ve had a rough time with my family, and have been looking for something to take my mind off it. Plus I needed the income. 

He looked a little sad, but then he smiled. – I think this job has been good for me. Without it I would be rotting in a basement every night. Literally. 

When Even looked questioningly at him, Isak just shrugged and shook his head. – What about you? he asked. – What’s the background to your story?

Even admitted that he had been through a rough time, too, and that it gave him the idea to do this. – I just had to try it, he said.

– I thought you did this just as a project, Isak said, with curiosity in his eyes.

Even nodded. – Yes, but I wouldn't have gotten the tip about it if it weren't for the fact that I talked to a friend about missing cuddling. I do really miss it. 

He looked down for a moment, realizing that he would have to cut out this part of the video. Sonja would have been hurt if she heard him say this. Because how could he have a girlfriend but still miss cuddling so much that he hired someone to do it rather than to go to her? Shit, he was such an asshole.

He lifted his head and met Isak’s gaze. Isak smiled then; it was like he could relate to what Even said.

Even wondered if he could ask for a cuddle. He just had to muster up some courage first. – So what do you do when you're not cuddling? he asked. – Are you still in school?

– Sure, Isak answered, with an almost cocky smile. – I’m all about science. You know, Biology, Physics, Maths. Stuff like that.

– Cool. I guess I’m more about languages, social studies and media. 

Isak grinned. – I kind of figured that, with this video project and everything. 

Even cocked his head and smiled too. – Well, don’t tell anyone, but I can see the beauty of Science, actually. There’s a musicality to to Maths, Biology and Physics.  

Something indefinable flickered through Isak’s eyes. – Yeah, he breathed. Then he looked away. – So, are you russ, then?

Even shook his head, not really wanting to go into the fact that he had dropped out of school. – No, not really. I just fucked up and got diagnosed with bipolar disorder. I will probably find something else to do for a while.

Isak turned his full attention to a pensive Even. – You just got diagnosed? That’s mania and depression, right?

– Yeah, Even admitted hesitantly, surprising himself that he was speaking so freely about his illness, – and I fucked up everything while I was manic, so now I think I’m better off not finishing school, you know?

Isak looked at him as if he was being ridiculous. – No, I don’t know. You’d seriously consider dropping out of school just because of an illness? 

– It’s not just an illness, Even protested. – I fucked up. Everything’s fucked up.

Isak frowned. – I don’t know all about bipolar disorder, but I know it doesn't make you stupid. Leaving school is stupid; I mean, with your passion for filming you need an education to get where you want to go. Right?

Even nodded. He had never actually thought about it that way. – I still don’t think I’m cut out for it. 

Isak leaned back. – Okay... 

– Okay what? 

Isak shrugged. – You just didn’t seem like someone who would just give up. 

Even frowned. He didn't like the sound of that. – Well, what if I am? Maybe I am the type who gives up! Who are you to tell me who I am or not?

Isak frowned. – Ok, ok. Just chill. I didn't mean it like that, he sighed. He stared into Even’s eyes. – I’m gonna tell you the same I told another friend of mine. It's actually not that complicated, you see. You are what you do. If you want to quit school because things are a little fucked up, you are someone who gives up easily. 

Even scoffed. – What did your friend say?

Isak’s gaze lingered on Even for a moment. – She mumbled something about reverse psychology not working on her, he admitted, and grinned.

Even had to laugh. – That figures.

He hesitated. – You really think I could make it through school? he asked.

– Yes really. Go back to school, or transfer to another, if you like, but finish it. You can make it.

Even nodded. He hadn’t seriously been thinking about dropping out, well, not really. He just hadn't believed that he was good enough for school. But now at least he could see a possibility. Maybe.

He looked at Isak for a moment. – You seem serious about school, Isak. Is this cuddler job easy to combine with it?

– Sure, Isak answered, giving Even one of those smiles that made him feel a tingle in his gut. – I decide how much I can work. It’s chill.

– Nice. At KB I work shifts, so to work how much you want sounds tempting.

That earned him an amused look from Isak. – Oh, you're in the service business, too? Isak grinned, looking up at Even through his lashes. – Makes you wonder if there's a coffee shop app, too, right? 

Even had to laugh. – There probably is. 

Their eyes held for a minute, and Even quickly looked at his hands. Fuck, their talk was so easy, but he still felt like his heart was bouncing around inside of him. He could die for a joint right now. Or a cigarette. Something to ease his nerves. But he didn't want to give Isak the wrong impression, and offering a joint was probably not the best move in a situation like this.

There was a small silence between them. Isak took a long swig from his soda, and Even watched spellbound as he leaned his head back and swallowed it. Even took in his profile until he lowered his head and looked back. _ Oh fuck. _ Even had to look away. He knew he had to pull himself together, he couldn't keep ogling Isak like this.

– So… Isak said. 

Even took a deep breath. – Yeah… so… Do you feel that this job is safe?

Isak shrugged. – Probably not. Just like driving an Uber isn't, I guess. But I think it's a risk with everything. I have to admit that I once scared myself so much that I considered bringing a knife to one of my first meetings.

– Really?

– Yeah, but I found out that an alarm was more than enough. I probably would just have hurt myself with it, to be honest. 

He chuckled. 

Even shook his head. Like there was nothing he wanted to hear more when meeting a stranger he was going to cuddle than that he thought about bringing a weapon. 

_ Well, fuck that.  _ Even surprised himself, but he didn't really care. For some reason, it wasn't the thought of Isak with a knife that scared him. The thing that scared him the most was the feelings this Isak gave him, everytime he smiled or looked into his eyes. It took his breath away.

Even wondered if this film project (with cuddling as a bonus) was so smart, after all.

##  **Isak: These fucking apps are getting stupider and stupider**

Isak always thought he would be uncomfortable with the idea of snuggling with a stranger he’d met on the internet. He wasn't really a tactile person, after all, and not very social, either. The first time Jonas told him about the app, he thought it was downright stupid. 

– People have the time to do this and drop everything to meet up for a hug? he asked. – Seriously, isn't it pathetic to need an app to get hugs? These fucking service apps are getting stupider and stupider.

But Jonas just shrugged. – Vilde seems to like it, he said. – Eva thinks so, anyway. It might be because Vilde gets paid to be a professional cuddler, though.

That got Isak more interested. He really needed some extra income. – She gets paid? To cuddle?

– Yeah. About 800 kroner per hour, I think. No, the payment is 800, but she gets about half of it.

_ Damn. Not bad.  _ He could really use the money. And cuddling and touching wouldn't be the worst thing to do for money.

Isak knew about and believed in the importance of touch. He knew the facts. Everybody needed touching. Without it people couldn't develop as beings and adults. Without touch they became more resentful and grumpy, and they didn't feel loved. He knew touching created oxytocin like in intimate relationships and serotonin like when he went to the gym, but this was cheaper, quicker and easier.

He knew that he was a prime example of a person deprived of touch. Things had been shit at home for a long time, so much so that he ended up leaving. He hardly saw Jonas anymore, since he was busy finding out if he loved his ex Eva or the third year girl he went down on. The only human touch Isak had experienced lately was in the fake relationship with Sara and in the fucking Yakuza fight. Yeah, and of course the night Eskild dragged him home from that gay bar. Those were three of the many stupid things he had done this year. Well, the thing with Eskild at least helped him get out from home.

Isak read up on the app, and was intrigued. Even if he wasn't a touchy feely guy, he liked the thought of cuddling someone without the expectations and sometimes complicated communication in regular relationships. Without needing to decide what he wanted or not in a relationship. He just wanted touch. His body craved it, to be honest. And, pathetic or not, this app actually seemed like a safe way to explore that. There were rules, after all. Safety. No expectations and no strings. He liked that. So he tried it once, and met and cuddled with a girl that did it professionally. It turned out to be surprisingly sweet, and not too awkward. Maybe he could try this? Maybe he could help others, earn some money from it and get some cuddles as a bonus on top?

He applied to be a cuddler, took his training and quickly found a way to be professional about it. Because of his age, he restricted his customers to 16-20. It was probably false safety, but it still felt safer that way. He learned different cuddling techniques, and could even give massages, but only when comfortable about it.

The first customers made him into a nervous wreck, but he slowly eased into it. In fact, he loved it. He loved being able to put his head in someone’s lap, and having his hair played with. He loved being the big spoon. He liked little arm tickles. And the ears. The ears were awesome, just to play with them. Or even playing footsie, that was one favourite, too. It was seriously like drugs. He’d be done with the cuddling session and he’d be almost stoned from the cuddling. And he earned money from it.

When he was contacted by a new young customer in May, he didn't think much of it. Not until he looked closer at the photo. The guy was a little too hot, to be honest. Big, blue eyes, lips made for kissing and swoopy hair. But Isak thought that he could manage. The rules would help him.

Isak was all too aware of the fact that he was attracted to boys. Nobody else needed to know, though. He was prepared to keep that as a secret for a long time. After all, it wasn't like he identified as gay. Technically, he probably was, but it just wasn't… him. The thought of being gay made him uncomfortable. Almost frightened. The thought of telling anyone made him horrified. 

Isak shook off his worries. He would push away his feelings, like he had done so many times before. It was no problem. He looked closer at the profile of the customer. His name was Even and he was 19 years old. They chatted for awhile and after Isak had a stupid slip and called him good looking, they set their boundaries. Isak had to pause when Even asked about filming. _So, this was not a touch deprived guy, then._ _Just a journalist._ The filming wasn't exactly in Isak’s comfort zone, he had to admit. _Oh well._ He supposed he could do it, as long as he could control what was posted.

They scheduled to meet in a park, and Isak felt good about the whole thing. Confident. He knew his shit, so this would be okay. When he met Even, he lost his cool at once, though. Even was fucking hot, like ridiculously so. Big, blue eyes, plush lips, a tall and lean body. A smile that lit up his whole face. He was pure hotness with a hint of cute dorkiness. Isak didn't doubt that this guy got all the cuddles he wanted.

_ I’m professional _ , he reminded himself.  _ This is platonic.  _ Then he made a fool of himself and asked Even if he was a serial killer. Like, seriously? 

There was just something about Even that made Isak feel flustered and uncertain, and made him speak before he thought. He climbed up on the bench and pulled out the sodas from his bag, just to have something to hold on to. He even admitted it out loud. Isak took a sip from his soda and swallowed a groan. He was so messed up.  

Even put up his camera, sat down next to him and sort of interviewed him about being a cuddler. They talked about boundaries, and Isak word vomited some shit about boners. Luckily, Even seemed to be fine with it. And Isak tried to stay professional. However, no matter how hard he tried, he couldn't help staring at Even’s shining smile. His gaze lingered on Even’s lips far too long and he unconsciously wetted his bottom lip pulling Even’s gaze in turn.

They shared a little about themselves, and Isak probably said way more than he should. He even slipped about staying in the basement of Kollektivet.

Isak was surprised when he learned that Even actually missed cuddling, and felt like he needed it.

– I've been through a rough time, too, Even said, – and cuddles are… rare. That's why I got the idea to do this, really. I just had to try it.

That made Isak curious. – I thought you did this just as a project? he said. He found it difficult to grasp that this charming, sociable and nice looking guy needed more touches in his life.

Even nodded. He looked almost embarrassed, and Isak couldn't get why. – Yes, but I wouldn't have gotten the tip about it if it weren't for the fact that I talked to a friend about missing cuddling. I really miss it.

Even's words weren't so different from other customers’ words. They still rang more truly in Isak's ears. Isak could hear the longing in Even's voice, and he had no problem relating to what Even said. The “rough time” for Isak, that began when his parents started to argue, and continued through his mother's madness and ended with his own idiotic behaviour, had left him cold, isolated and desperate for touch. For closeness. Without this job, he probably would have still been just as desperate. 

Isak met Even's gaze and smiled. He looked at the soft curve of Even's neck and wondered if Even soon would be ready to try a hug or something. But Even asked about school instead. Of course Isak managed to be a patronizing fucker, telling Even to go back to school. Like he knew anything about having bipolar disorder. He could have kicked himself when he gave Even the same advice he once gave Eva. 

Luckily, Even was gracious enough not to take it too badly. – You really think I could make it through school? he just asked.

And yes, of course Isak did. Even if he didn't have a clue about what he was talking about. Isak supposed the mental illness thing was what made him talk before he thought. After all, Isak’s mother had made him fairly wary about mental illnesses, and he had learned to keep a distance to her. The fact that Even had bipolar disorder, didn't scare him, though.

He rather felt honoured that Even talked to him about it at all. That he listened to his thoughts, too. It was more than he deserved.

The two of them talked about security again after that, and Isak was foolish enough to talk about the time he scared himself shitless. Even had to think he was such a loser. Then they talked some more, and laughed, and all the time, Isak fought the attraction like crazy. Wondered if he ever would get to touch Even, one way or another.

– So, Even said after a while, looking a little shy, – I guess my two hours are up soon. Maybe we could try a hug or something?

Isak's heart started racing at once, but he hid it behind a friendly smile. – Of course, he replied, slid down on the seat and opened his arms. – If you like, I could hold you in my arms here on the bench?

Even grinned, slid down, moved closer and let Isak put his arm around his shoulders. Isak felt a rush of warm feelings go through his body as he felt Even sink into him. Even leant his head on Isak’s shoulder. – You're like two years younger than me, and a little shorter. Shouldn't I be holding you? Even asked. His voice was a little husky. 

– If you feel like it, Isak chuckled, as he let his hand stroke Even's arm and shoulder. – But I'm fine with holding you. It's not like you're a giant, after all.

– No, I like this, Even said. – It’s good.

Their eyes held for a minute and Isak looked away first. Even eventually looked away too. He breathed out. – This feels nice. Could we try a hug, too? he said. – Like standing cheek to cheek? I miss hugs.

– Yeah, of course, Isak smiled, and got up, while he took Even's hand and dragged him up. 

They stood in front of each other, and Isak moved forward, wrapped his arms around Even’s shoulders and pulled him closer into a tight bear hug. Even’s cheek was hot against his. – Is this okay? Isak asked against Even’s cheek.

– Yeah, Even mumbled. 

Isak had to agree. It felt nice. A little too nice, to be honest. The tingling feeling along his spine was a a lot more than what he usually felt. He was fucked. He needed to pull himself together. Even probably wasn’t even anything close to gay. As if that even mattered, when he was a customer. Fuck. Isak was only going to end up doing something so stupid and irreversible, that Even would be forced to disappear, never to be seen again.

Even’s hands slid over his back, leaving raw heat in their wake. Isak swallowed a groan. Fuck, he was so, so fucked.

Maybe there was a chance of getting out of this with his dignity and health intact. All Isak had to do was maintain; not look at Even directly for too long, block out his voice and keep his half erection hidden. After all, this was a one time thing. When Even was finished with his film project he would disappear, and it would all be over. No problem. 

He just wished he didn't have to end this hug. Even's chest against his and his hands around his waist was so nice. Isak let his nose find that nice spot in Even’s neck. Oh god, this was too good.  

– Isak! Hei! 

Isak almost jumped by the loud voice in his ear. His first reaction was to withdraw. Someone was seeing him, hugging another man. The whole situation gave him an ache in his stomach. He had to tell himself that  _ this is just my job _ .  _ Just a cuddle. It’s nothing to worry about. _

When he finally let go of Even, he did it reluctantly. He had to tear his eyes away from Even's slightly flushed face. 

Isak turned to watch their intruder. A girl with short brown hair and a bright smile stared up at them both.  _ Fuck _ . It was Emma, one of his earlier customers. That girl had no boundaries. In their first meeting he had to fight her off as she tried to blow him. 

Isak looked at her, wondering what he could say to be clear without revealing too much about her. Ethics was a bitch sometimes. – Hi, Emma. You know you can't contact me like this, he said.

She cocked her head and smiled. – Oh, but you don't answer when I try to order a new session! 

Obviously, she didn't care about ethics or privacy at all. Isak gazed quickly at Even, who looked like a big questionmark. 

– You lied about your age, Emma, Isak hissed. – You’re not even 16 yet. You're not allowed to use our app at all.

Emma sighed, and bashed her eyelashes. – That's just stupid, Isak. Can't we just go on a date instead, then?

Isak sighed. – No, we can't, and you know it. 

– Why?

– Because I don't want to and because that’s the rules, he said, shutting his eyes, trying to control his temper. – Now, I'm busy. If you want to complain about something, you'll have to talk to someone in management. You know that. This is not happening. 

– It’s the rules, Even added.

Isak had to smile. The support was nice.

Emma looked at both Even and Isak, pouted and backed off a little. – Fine. You two can just kiss my ass, she said, and left. 

Isak stared after her and let out a big breath. Just a month ago, he would have struggled to be this confrontational. This job must have had a good effect on him somehow. 

– A difficult customer? Even asked, looking both a little awkward and curious.

– I am sorry about that, Isak said. – I shouldn't have talked to her in front of you, but I was afraid that if I had pulled her aside she would have taken it as a sign of affection or something.

Even smiled. – No worries. It seemed like you handled it great. Of course I'll delete it from the video. 

Isak nodded. He had totally forgotten about the camera. – Good, thanks. 

He looked at Even. What was it about this guy that made him forget about everything else? A part of him was sad that he never would get to know him for real. But he supposed that meant he should make the most of it. 

He looked at the time. – One more hug before the session is over?  

Even smiled one of those smiles that made Isak’s stomach flip. Oh, he was so fucked.

##  **Even: What the web could never provide**

Even was so fucked. When Isak put his arm around him on that bench, he wasn't prepared for the rush of feelings that came over him. His depression definitely had to be in remission, because he felt  _ everything _ . Isak's body was touching his side and his arm was warm around him. Even leant his head on his shoulder and enjoyed the feeling. He wanted more, though. He had to ask for a hug. 

When they stood up and Isak pulled him into the warm hug, a long shiver went through Even's body. Hesitantly, he put his arms around Isak's waist and let them rest there. He felt the warmth from Isak's cheeks, chest and arms, and it was like he was wrapped inside a warm blanket of coziness. He had to close his eyes because of the rush of emotions about being held for the first time in a long time.

– Is this okay? Isak asked against Even's cheek. Isak’s breath was hot against his skin. 

– Yeah, Even mumbled. 

They fell quiet for a moment, slowly becoming comfortable. Even wondered if he was enjoying the touch too much. He shivered when Isak’s hand trailed from his back, down his spine, stopping only to pull him closer. He released a shaky exhale, admitting to himself that his attraction towards Isak was sort of going out of hand. 

Luckily, there were boundaries, and rules, and Even wouldn't come back for that many sessions. Maybe just once more and then he could show the video. Nothing more. It would be alright. He didn't want to end the hug, though. When Isak's nose snuggled into his neck, his legs almost gave in.  _ Shit, this was good _ .

– Isak! Hei! 

Even withdrew from Isak, for some reason feeling a little guilty. Isak looked hot in his cheeks and his eyes were dazed. But then he focused on the person interrupting them. 

At first Even felt an irrational twinge of jealousy (even if he had no right to), as he watched Isak trying to deal with the obnoxious girl disturbing them. But then Even understood that the girl was just a difficult customer. The girl was a brat, really, apparently without a hint of social competence or personal boundaries. But Isak seemed to handle her well. She finally left them, and Even breathed out. – A difficult customer? he asked, trying not to sound too curious.

Of course Isak didn't reveal too much, he just said he was sorry. Even assured him that he would delete the whole thing from the video. 

Isak looked at him. – One more hug before the session is over? he asked, and Even tried to look calm when he said yes. Most likely he grinned like an idiot. Isak's hugs were addictive. Even sank into Isak's arms and let the warmth and closeness wrap him in again. He breathed in the scent of Isak and revelled in the heat from his body and arms. Isak’s cheek was soft against his.

When Isak’s alarm went off, and the time was over, he felt dazed and warm all over. Isak had to be right about those hormones he talked about. 

They untangled from each other, and Even had to blink a couple of times. Isak let out a breath and smiled. – Time’s up. Hope it was okay.

– Uhm, yeah. Definitely.

Even blushed as he packed his camera away. He tried to keep his hands from shaking. – I will edit the video, and see if I'm happy with it, he said. – I guess I'll contact you through the app, yeah? So that you can see it?

– Yeah, that's probably best, Isak nodded. He waved and started to walk away. – See you then. 

– Okay. Bye. 

Even had to sit on the bench for a moment, feeling flushed and a little strange. So. This cuddling business was really something, and Isak was a damned good cuddler. Technological service apps were a thing, obviously. But the missing ingredient, that the web could never provide, was touch. The way someone smelled and sounded and looked in person. That inexplicable chemistry that determined how two people reacted to each other, whether they would become fast friends or avowed enemies, lovers or mere acquaintances.

Isak had chemistry, for sure. Or something. He made Even feel things. Did that mean that this app was a great thing or did it just mean that Isak was a great guy? Even wasn't sure. His phone pinged, and he picked it up. 

_ So, how was it?  _ Sana texted. 

Even wrinkled his eyebrows. He didn't even recall that he had told her about this session.  _ It was good, but strange _ , he typed. 

_ You still think you have an interesting idea for your video blog?  _

_ Definitely. I might even have to try this more.  _

_ Cool. And the professional cuddler wasn _ ' _ t a smelly fucker? _

Hah, funny. Even wondered if that would have been easier.  _ Not at all,  _ he typed.  _ Thank you for the tip, Sana.  _

_ No problems. Will you come by one day? Elias keeps talking about you, you know. _

Even cringed, and felt his heart clench.  _ I don't know. Things are a little difficult right now. Talk to you later, yeah?  _

_ Okay. Later, Even. _

As Even got up from the bench he wondered if he ever would be fine with what happened with him and his buddies. He doubted it. He would maybe find a way to finish school, but he would never go back. He would have to start over.

Maybe this project could help him with that?

On his way home, he was sure of one thing. He didn't regret this at all. He had forgotten that cuddling and hugging could be like this. When he thought about it, things used to be quite different with Sonja before, too. They used to cuddle all the time, but it seemed like they had grown apart. He could blame the depression for some of the new distance between them, but not all. There was so much irritability between them now, and they had tried to make it better, again and again. Even was tired of trying.

He knew that he probably should break up with her, but he didn't know how to. How could he? She had stayed with him through everything, after all. 

Maybe it  _ was  _ just the depression, Even pondered. Maybe this cuddling could help him find his way back to her. Well, as long as he managed to keep his feelings towards this Isak in check, then. 

There was just something about Isak, something that went past the electric physical attraction. Within those couple of hours, Isak had, without much effort, made him feel good about himself and his abilities in a way that he wouldn't have thought possible. It had taken Even a while to figure out his feelings, and it wasn't until he was home that he realized what they were. In that short time with Isak, he had felt safe and happy, which was kind of bizarre because up until that moment, Even had just been coming out of a depression. 

As Even locked himself into his room, he shook his head. He had no idea where he stood with Isak, and God help him; he was in no position right now to find out, either.


	2. Hold me Now

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Isak is a professional cuddler, at the same time as he's going to school and living in a basement. Although he thought this cuddle session with the cute guy Even was a one time thing, it seems to happen again. And he struggles to keep professional about it all. It's the 17th of May and Even has a rough day, and he's hoping that a cuddle can help.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry if you have waited. To be writing two things at the same time, takes... time. But I really hope you like it! I sure love writing this verse about Isak and Even. Thank you for all the proofreading and betaing and lovely support, @coolauntskam, @evakuality and @arindwell! What would I do without you???
> 
> Please leave a comment if you like it or if you don't. I live for the feedback. :)

##  ****

##  **Isak: The best Job in the World**

While everyone was outside celebrating the 17th of May with parades, school bands, bunads, flags, children’s games, eating hot dogs, and ice cream, Isak was working. It was his own choice, really. If he could find a way to avoid the sight of all the happy families, he would. He had worked with two customers already.

He wouldn’t work with an idiot like Elias, though.

Isak was trying to fill in for Vilde, or else he would never have accepted to set up a session with that guy. He knew this bully from earlier, after all.

When Isak turned up at the client’s place, and realized who he was, Isak knew that he couldn’t go through with it.

– I’m sorry, he said, stopping outside the door. – I didn’t know it was you. I can’t do this.

– What, why? Elias asked, looking almost offended.

_Because you’re an ass._

– I don’t work with people I know, Isak said then. It wasn’t a lie, but of course it wasn’t the whole truth either.

– You can’t just go, Elias protested then. – I have paid for this beforehand.

Isak stared at him, wondering why the hell he complained. Elias had always hated Isak. What did he want? – The app refunds your money when I cancel the appointment, he said. – I’m sorry. I can’t do this. I can make sure Vilde gives you a new appointment when she’s back.

– Come on, stay, Elias grunted at him. Something dark blinked in his eyes. – I could give you such a good time, Isak; you know that.

 _What the hell?_ Isak’s jaw dropped open. Was Elias coming on to him? Isak managed to shut his mouth and tried to seem calm and professional. – I don't date clients. Talking like that is unacceptable. You know the rules, he said. Elias was a hot guy, but he also was an asshole, and Isak simply wasn't interested. He wasn't out of his closet. Hell, he wouldn’t have been interested even if he was.

Elias didn't seem to care much about that. – You should learn to live a little, Isak. I bet you still eat right, live right, study your books and follow the rules. Man, you're going to be old someday and realize you missed out on life.

He gave Isak a judging look. – Being pure doesn't make you happy. Good guys finish last.

Yeah, Elias was still a bad boy and proud of it, it seemed. Isak found it ironic that this guy who used to bully him and call him homo, now was doing what he could to get into his pants. For a moment Isak wondered if Elias did it because he knew Isak was incorruptible (and closeted), or because he just liked the challenge.

– Elias, I’ll go now. You broke the rules, so this is it, basically. I think I will talk to Vilde. In the end it should be her decision if we should ban you or not. I know what I will recommend.

Elias looked at him. For a moment, there was something like sincerity in his face. – Don’t be like that. You know me, Isak… We could have been great together!

He actually almost looked hurt.

Isak shook his head; he couldn’t believe this guy. – Do you think that throwing slurs at me is the way to show me that we could be good together?  Fucking hell! Get a grip! You have no right to call me a fucking homo, you know.

Elias looked a little guilty. – But you are, aren't you? he said.

Isak suddenly felt exasperated. If he someday could manage to accept that he was gay, Elias wouldn't be the first person he would come out to. – You don't know shit about what I am or not, Isak sighed. – Actually, I’ve had enough of this. I’ll go now.

He almost expected another protest or bad joke, but Elias just looked at him. – Fine. As you like it. I'm sorry I've been a jerk. Being gay has never been easy in my… environment, you know. I guess that's why I've been… weird.

He looked a little lost. Isak almost felt bad for him. Almost.

– Well, yeah, bye.

Isak suppressed a sigh as he headed down the staircase to the entrance. The dim lighting helped to hide the scuffed walls. The staircase smelled of dust and something sour like dirty socks. His mind was not on his surroundings, however; it was on the episode with Elias. The whole thing made him feel irritable. He never should have said yes to this, without knowing what he was going to. He’s relieved that he managed to say no and stand up for himself though. It was getting more and more clear to him how important it was to set up clear boundaries. And stick to them.

As Isak stepped out his cell went off. It was via the app. Isak grabbed his phone. – The Cuddle Snuggle app; this is Isak, how may I help you?

The low voice on the other end chuckled. – I bet you get a lot of interesting responses to that.

A shiver went down Isak’s spine, as he recognized the voice at once. _Even_. He smiled. This guy had a sense of humor, which Isak really liked in his clients. He was decent, too, which was a relief. – I've had my share of heavy breathers, I guess.

Even laughed again and Isak could almost hear his smile. – This is Even, you know, the guy with the camera.

As if Isak would have been able to forget him. – Hi, Even, he said, as he tried to calm down the butterflies in his stomach. – Everything okay with the video?

– Yeah, it's not bad. You did a great job, answering all my weird questions.

Isak had to smile. – I hope you got what you wanted, he said, suddenly feeling the heat in his cheeks. – On the video, I mean.

– Yeah, it was perfect, Even answered. – I'm sorry to call you today, on the 17th of May of all days, but I saw you were available and I thought I could try. This day has been wild. Exhausting.

Isak could hear the stress in his voice. – No problem, he said, – I _like_ to work on days like this.

Even made a surprised sound, but Isak didn't elaborate.  

– Well, I don't, apparently, Even said. – I'm drained. Broken. It was too much today. First the shift at KB, and then my family dragged me around the rest of the day.

– That sucks, Isak said, and wiped his brow with the back of his hand.

Even responded with a snort. – Tell me about it. I’ve had my fair share of stressed out customers, screaming kids and marching band music.

His tone was exhausted. – You wouldn't have any time for a cuddle tonight would you?

Isak grimaced, as he felt a little conflicted. It was almost six already. Although he wasn't a huge fan of family days like this, he still had wanted to take it easy tonight. Maybe watch a show on Netflix. On the other hand, a cuddle with Even wasn't exactly off-putting. There was something about Even that made him interesting to spend time with, no matter what.

– Well, meeting in a park isn't an option today, Isak said. – There are people everywhere. Where are you staying?

Even gave his address. – My family is out, so we won't be bothered. My mom could have been a nuisance otherwise.

Isak laughed, as he calculated the distance (and forgot for a moment that the app could have shown it to him, in a map). It would take almost twenty minutes to get to. – If I can take a shower at your place I could see you at a little after seven. I can’t leave until about six-thirty.

That is, Isak would leave this place immediately, of course. But he needed some food, too, so he added some extra time to get a snack on his way.

– Sure, the shower is free. It’s so great if you can come. I need to chill a little, and maybe get a backrub or something. And a hug.

Even did sound like he needed some relief.

Isak smiled, as he felt an anticipation that he probably shouldn’t feel. – No problem, Even. See you in about an hour.

– See you.

Isak left Elias' place, and thought about the meeting he was about to have. He hoped that he would manage to be professional. Last time he met Even, he had lost his equilibrium and calm more than once, and he couldn't afford to keep doing that.

Even was his client. Isak needed to remember that, no matter how hot he was.

Isak decided to focus on other things, practical things, just so he didn’t think too much about Even’s hotness. On the way down the stairs he shot a text to Eskild.

_I might be late tonight. Working._

_Oh, it's fine_ , Eskild answered _. I'm not even home right now. And I’m actually glad to be out of the house_ . _It's been a little too much anxiety lately, with Noora's meltdown and everything._

Isak pondered. He hadn't been much in the flat, but the times Eskild had smuggled him up for a shower, he'd discovered that Noora'd been locked into her room. He typed: _Do you think there's something we can do?_

_Oh, how nice of you to bother, grumpy Isak. Nah, she's got her girls. And William seems to be alright for her, too. He stayed with her yesterday. And brought her to her friends for 17th of May breakfast. Maybe he's not so bad, after all._

_Maybe. Okay, so I'll let myself into the basement tonight._

_That's cool, Isak. You know, you can just stay on our couch instead? Or you could stay in my room some nights, it must beat staying in the basement?_

_Nah, I just don't want anyone to know about this, you know. I'll find another place soon, Eskild, I promise._

Like that was very likely. Isak sighed. Around him there were signs of the celebration everywhere. Flags, flowers and people, people, people. He tried to ignore it as he picked up a quick meal on his way to the tram. The tram was full of nicely dressed people, so Isak put his earplugs into his ears and zoned out.

He looked up Even's address and found his full name. Even Bech Næsheim. The curiosity overwhelmed him, and he searched up his name on his phone. No Insta, and no Facebook. But a film popped up. “An interview with Even Bech Næsheim”. Isak couldn't help himself, he had to watch it. _Oh my god_ , Even was both hot and goofy, and apparently a romantic, too. He seemed to be close to his buddy, Mikael. Isak stared and stared and stared at the small movie and felt like he was melting. He even wondered if he should check out some movies of that favourite director that Even mentioned. _Fuck_. He had to stop this.

Isak got to Even's house at a couple of minutes after seven. He had a change of clothes in his bag. He wasn't prepared for the sight when Even opened the door. He was wearing tight black suit pants and a white shirt that was rolled up his arms, which wasn't all that unusual; what was unusual was that he was absolutely _gorgeous_. Isak could see that Even was tired, but he was still hot. Even was still that tall, dark blonde, lean guy with a friendly smile. The nice clothes just made him hotter. Isak was gritting his teeth and cursing at the fact that Even was a client. He hoped that the universe couldn't be so cruel as to make Even gay and counted his blessings that he was a straight man and off limits.

Even smiled. – Right on time, he said.

Isak raised an eyebrow as Even stepped back and let him in. – Of course I'm on time. I'm always on time.

Even laughed. – Good for you. Come inside.

Closing the door, he just smiled and waited while Isak took his shoes off. Then he went into what seemed to be his room. Isak followed.

– I thought we could have a little look at the video, Even said, as he opened his wardrobe and fished out a towel. – But I guess you want the shower first. You’ve been working out, maybe?

Even had a way of looking at him that just about turned Isak inside out. His head would be slightly tilted and his eyes would just rake slowly over him. It just wasn’t fair.

– Not really, Isak said. Grabbing his clothes bag, he tried to smile politely, and not look like he was in awe. – But sometimes when I've been with a client, it just feels right to take a shower.

– I get that, Even nodded. His voice was soft and warm. – The bathroom's over there.

Why did it suddenly feel intimate to take a shower here? Isak swallowed compulsively. – Nice, he managed to say in the end.

– I can make some tea or something while you're showering? Even offered.

– Sure, if you want. You don't get a discount though. He grinned at Even before he disappeared into the bathroom.

Isak locked the door behind him and exhaled. His jeans constricted him and the reality of what he was allowing to happen finally dawned on him. He needed to get a grip, he thought, as he stepped out of his clothes. He couldn’t continue like this. He needed to keep this 100% professional.  

He had just gotten out of his clothes when there was a knock. – Hey, Isak?

Isak immediately grabbed a towel, fearing Even would open the door; he didn't. – Yeah?

– Would you like something to eat? Some cheese toasties, or something?

Isak relaxed. – Not really, I just ate a little.

– OK. I'll be in my room when you come out.

– Great.

That was all there was to it. Isak chastised himself for his paranoia and showered quickly. He just didn't think it was appropriate for a client to see him nude. _They weren't going to get any, so why tease them?_ he humored himself thinking. As if he ever would have a chance with Even.

Isak got back into the room, all clean and dressed, and then he stopped to admire the sight. Even had changed into a t-shirt and sweatpants. That was probably wise. He looked more relaxed already. And snuggly.

– I had to put some other clothes on, Even said, and laughed a little. – I probably needed a shower more than you did, but I did a quick wash.

– That's fine, Isak smiled. For some reason, the thought of Even's scent wasn't off-putting at all.

He snapped out of his admiration and went towards Even. He stopped hesitantly a few steps from him. _So. What now?_

Even had a mug of tea in his hands. – Do you want some tea? he asked.

– Maybe later, Isak said lamely. Normally, he would know just what to say and do, but now he just felt awkward. The silence was thick between them, like a fog. _What the fuck do I say?_ Isak wondered, feeling his cheeks heat up. Even looked at him and smiled with pink in his cheeks, like he was just as flustered.

 _Come on. Put the professional cuddler mask on_.

– Why don’t we sit on this couch, Isak finally suggested, and pointed to the two seater sofa under the bunk bed.

Even smiled and let out a sigh, but it wasn't easy to tell what for. He put his tea mug away.

Isak sat down on the sofa, and Even followed him. Isak released a breath. – I guess we talked enough about the cuddling business, boundaries and such last time we spoke. So what do you want to do now? Chat a little, play a game, or just cuddle?

Even looked Isak in the eyes. – All those things sound good, really. Chatting and cuddling especially.

Isak nodded. – So. Are we filming today, too?

Even looked surprised. – Uh, I didn't think about that, but that would actually be cool. To show a little bit more what this is all about.

Suddenly there was excitement in his eyes. – You know, if you like, you can watch what I’ve edited while I set up the camera?

Isak nodded. – Sounds good. We filmed for two hours, though. I guess you have edited a lot?

Even just hummed at that, as he picked up his PC and put on the video. – I’ll skip the intro, he said.

Isak watched the video, and it was strange to see Even and him, sitting so close chatting. Isak was staring at Even with stars in his eyes. It was quite easy to see how much Even had charmed him, and Isak wondered if Even had noticed that. Still, Even had somehow managed to present Isak as a cool guy, too. Isak was impressed by the quality of the whole thing. Even must have spent hours editing it.

When Isak came to the part where they cuddled and hugged, he almost wanted to shut his eyes. He had never seen himself so vulnerable before. And Even looked just as lost in the moment. Watching it made it difficult to breathe. He comforted himself with the thought that other viewers probably wouldn't see that tension between them. He saw it, because he remembered the feelings in those moments. He saw it, because he could still feel it.

Isak was glad that Even had cut away the parts where they talked about their personal stuff, and the part where Emma interrupted them.

– People would have loved seeing that Emma incident, though, Isak said. – You could have just blurred her out, you know. And people would have loved watching us talking about all that private stuff.

– Well, I’m not filming a reality show, Even grinned.  He had put up the camera and sat down next to Isak. – I’ll only show things that I’m comfortable with.

Isak felt like an idiot. – Sounds wise, he said.

– So? Even said, looking nervous. – What do you think?

Isak smiled. – I'm not a movie nerd, but I think it was really good. I’m fine with everything.

Even looked relieved. – Good, he said and put his PC away. Then he turned to Isak, looking like he was waiting for something. He probably was.

– Ready for a hug? Isak asked.

Even grinned. – Yeah, he breathed.

Isak felt a shiver of anticipation along his spine. He decided to focus on practical questions, in an attempt to calm his nerves. – Do you want to sit here on the couch, or lie down? Some prefer spooning?

Even shook his head. – Hug here first.

Isak leaned back and let Even lean into him, almost with his back to him. Even's head fell onto his chest. The hug was warm. Isak rested his hand on Even's chest, moving his fingers slowly in circles. The whole thing felt a little awkward at first, probably because Isak had such a difficult time forgetting what a hottie Even was, but after some minutes, it started to feel very safe and nice. – If something feels wrong, just say so and I'll adjust, Isak said.

Even grunted an affirmative and Isak held him closer. Even was a great client to cuddle. Not only was his body responsive to Isak's touch but the sounds he gave were just right, showing that he enjoyed the hug. But not moaning and grinding against him like others (Emma) did. It felt like Even melted into him.

– You know, Even said, in a low voice, – it's nice to touch someone without the expectation of something sexual. It's like we guys are expected to be ready for action like that all the time.

– Speak for yourself, I'm a sixteen year old kid, Isak blurted out with a laugh, and he earned a chuckle from Even in return. But then Isak’s own words made him blush. Fuck, he could be such a jerk sometimes, joking away things like this. In fact, Even’s words described something Isak could relate to very much. He sighed, and let his mind wander while his fingers kept on caressing Even’s chest in circles. – But no, you're right, he said. – Expectations suck.  

He thought about all the guys he had embraced in his life, including some of his best friends, who always pulled away from a bro-hug after about two seconds—recoiling due to some illogical fear.

– You know, I think I know why I love this job so much, he admitted. – I get to hug people, and not stress about it. Because there are no expectations.

– Yeah, Even hummed.

– And you know what. My first five minutes on your couch here almost amounts to more physical intimacy than I’ve ever shared with my own father!

– Ouch, Even whispered.

 _Yeah, ouch_ . Isak loved his father (even though he was a coward sometimes). And still he knew that _Isak_ usually was the one breaking off the hug when they greeted each other. Why? He didn't know. He just knew that the thought saddened and angered him.

Even turned his body and head, so that he faced Isak. – I think you need a bear hug, Isak, he said, pulled Isak closer and hugged him.

Even’s cheek was soft against Isak's, and his arms were warm. _Uh oh._ Having Even this close, feeling his breath warm against his chin, made Isak want to close the remaining space between them, turn his head and kiss him. Of course he didn't do that. This was work, after all.

– This is nice, right? Isak murmured, voice so quiet he wasn’t even really sure Even could hear him.

Even hummed, brushing his nose against Isak’s neck softly and _fuck_ , this was testing Isak’s willpower. Isak counted to ten and thought of his grandma. It didn't help much.

Even opened his eyes and pulled away a little. – I think I wanna lie down with you now, he whispered. – I'm just not so sure I wanna spoon. It's a little intimate.

– Right, Isak said, pulled back and looked around. He tried to be rational. – We don't need to do spooning or hug each other with our full bodies. But, uh, this couch is too small. We'll probably have to climb up into your bunk bed. Or put a mattress on the floor.

– The bunk bed is okay, I guess, Even said.

– Okay, Isak smiled, trying to seem cool as fuck. – Uhm, on the phone you talked about a backrub, but I guess that will be difficult up there?

– Yeah, no, we can do that another time, Even smiled.

And Isak couldn’t help it, he liked the sound of _another time_.

He was about to climb up the ladder, when Even laughed. – Oh, we should film this from the ceiling, Even said then. – Wait…

While Isak climbed up and made himself comfortable in the bed, Even rummaged around a bit, and found another camera that he brought with him into the bunk bed. Somehow, he managed to stick it to the ceiling before he lay down next to Isak.

The bed was narrow, but they managed to lie side by side. Isak settled his head against Even’s chest, while Even curled his arm around Isak’s shoulder, tracing little patterns with his fingers. It felt very intimate. How spooning could have been even more intimate than this, Isak couldn't imagine right now.

– This is nice, Even said, in a husky voice. His warm breath brushed Isak’s temple.

Isak nodded, eyes heavy, and feeling heat in his cheeks. He felt warm, and safe, and ridiculously attracted to Even. Isak tried to repress it, but he wanted to kiss Even so badly. It would have been so easy. Even was right there, so close. Isak tilted his head to see Even’s face better. Then he let his thumb smoothe over the skin on Even’s cheek. Even’s breathing was getting a little heavier, too, eyes fixed on Isak’s lips. Or was it just his imagination? Isak shut his eyes. He couldn't help but imagine Even's lips against his, warm and soft and making him yearn for more. _Fuck_ , he had to stop.

Isak wasn’t sure how long they lay like that. His body felt charged, and he was acutely aware of every single sensation running through him; the pounding in his chest, the butterflies fluttering around his tummy, the warmth of Even’s skin under his hands; he felt his arms spark up with goosebumps; the way his breath caught in his throat. Every single sensation was amplified, and he was charged and alive and waiting. Waiting for something to happen.

Of course nothing happened. Even stroked his shoulder and asked: – Do you think life is like a movie? That you can direct?

His voice was low and breathy, like a whisper.

Isak looked up at him through his eyelashes. Frowned a little. – Nah. Not really.

The question intrigued him though, and the tension in his body eased out as he thought about it. He knew far too well that the world was too chaotic to make it possible that his own free will would be able to direct his life. Of course he could control some factors, like where he wanted to stay, or what he wanted to do for a living, but apart from that, life mostly seemed to be a chaos of random influences. He didn't know how to explain this, though.

– What do you think, then? Even asked.

Isak chewed his lip, and tilted his head again, to look at Even properly. – The world is too chaotic, he finally said. – There are too many possibilities. In fact, that's the beauty of it. The inevitability of it all.

Even was staring back at him seriously. – Yeah? How come?

Isak searched for the right words. – You know, if the universe is endless, that means that there are an infinite number of parallel universes. And that means… that everything that can happen, happens. There probably are another Isak and Even out there, somewhere. Lying like this. But a small detail might be different. Maybe I don't meet you as a professional cuddler, maybe I just… meet you at school, or something, who knows?

Even stared at him. He smiled a little, but he still looked uncomfortable. – That's far out, he said. – You high or something?

– Fuck, no, Isak chuckled. – I just think it's exciting to think about. That there might be other versions of me, and maybe some of them didn’t fuck up as much as I have done.

– Huh, Even said. – It unnerves me, really. The thought of everything so big and endless. Makes me feel lonely, like I'm alone in my head.

Isak didn't get it. He didn't want to get it. A part inside of him recognized what Even was talking about, but he didn't want to think about it. He loved to imagine the parallel universes. It was comforting. Somewhere out there, there was a happy Isak.

In just that moment, when he was about to protest, his alarm went off.

– Our time’s up, he sighed. He didn’t move at once. The warmth and closeness made him slow.

– Oh, Even answered. He looked at Isak with a slightly guarded expression. – Could I pay for you to stay a little longer, or would that be against the rules? And would you mind?

Isak smiled, because he silently dreaded the thought of getting out of this bed. Just as he dreaded the thought of getting home to the cold basement. – You'd have to pay me upfront, either with cash or online. I could stay another hour, I think. No problem.

Even grinned, and picked up his phone. – I'll pay you online then.

Just a few types later, the payment pinged into Isak’s phone. Isak snuggled into Even, and could hardly believe he was here, in Even’s arms, wrapped up safe and warm and listening to the soft, comforting rhythm of Even’s heart. He yawned.

– Tired? Even asked, sounding amused.

– Yeah. Your bed is better than mine, he muttered. – And I’ve had a little trouble sleeping lately.

That was an understatement of course. Living with the chaos and scary situation at home had fucked him up, but sleeping on a mattress in a basement had fucked up his sleeping schedule for real. It didn't help that every night he worried about his studies, about his mom and about his fake life and all the stupid shit he had done lately.

Even looked concerned. – You could sleep here for a moment if you like.

Isak shook his head, fighting to keep his eyes open. – Nah, I shouldn't. Talking will keep me awake. Ask me something.

Even smiled. – So what music do you listen to? he asked.

Isak shrugged. He listened to so many things. But he supposed that NWA would be safe. Masculine enough. – I kind of like NWA, he said, yawning. He muttered something about the music making him feel tough.

Then he of course had to make a fool of himself pretending to know who Nas was. Even just smiled, though. He looked amused, really. They could listen to it later, he said. Isak liked that. Silence fell between them again and Even stroked Isak's shoulder as he stared into space. It felt so good. Isak was so tired. This 17th of May hadn't ended up so bad, after all. Isak's eyes fluttered shut, breathing getting deeper, feeling the sleep pulling gently at him. He shouldn't sleep. He was just so warm and safe. It felt so nice to shut his eyes for a moment. The beat of Even's heart was like music lulling him to sleep.

When he woke up, the sun shone into the room, and Even lay next to him. Isak was still in his clothes, but he was under a duvet. A warm arm was pressed over his chest. _Even!_ Isak startled, and sat up, bumping his head on the ceiling. _Fuck! What happened?_

He vaguely recalled Even asking him if he should go home, and answering halfway in his sleep that he didn't want to. _Fuck_. He shouldn't be here. But he couldn't even blame Even for being here. It was all his fault.

– Fuck, he breathed.

Even moved next to him. – What? he muttered.

– Fuck fuck fuck, I shouldn't be here, Isak hissed.

Even blinked and looked at him. – I’m sorry. You didn't want to go home, he said. He looked guilty. – And you were so deep asleep, I just couldn't wake you up.

Isak groaned. – It’s not your fault. And I slept really well. I just shouldn't… And I have school…

Even picked up his phone and looked at it. – It’s still early. We’ve got time to get dressed, eat some breakfast, and then I can drive you to school. We can drive by your house so you can pick up your books and stuff. We’ll fix this.

– Okay, Isak nodded. He got up and climbed down from the bed.

Even followed him down. – You can borrow some clothes, he said and picked some from his closet. – I’ll make you some breakfast while you get ready.

Isak took the clothes. He couldn't wear what he had slept in, after all. Well, he could, but he didn’t want to. – Thanks, he said, and fled to the bathroom.

Isak just took a quick wash and picked up the clothes from Even. A black Public Enemy shirt, some jeans and a grey hoodie. They fit him surprisingly well. It felt weird to put on Even’s clothes, though. A client’s clothes. It felt kind of intimate. Was it wrong of him to like it?

He packed his own clothes in his bag and went to the kitchen. There Even was, making breakfast. He had put on some clothes, too.

Isak crossed his arms as he entered the room, not knowing what to say or do. Why did he feel like he had spent the night doing far more than cuddling?

– Coffee? Even asked, as he was chewing on a sandwich.

Isak scratched the back of his head, still feeling a little awkward. – Only if I can drown it in milk and sugar, he smiled.

– Oh, no problem.

Even put a plate with a cheese and ham sandwich in front of him, together with an apple and a coffee with milk and sugar. Isak had to admit that this looked a lot better than the hopeless breakfast he would manage to make in the basement.

He dug into the food, while Even made him a lunch.

– You shouldn't… he began, but Even just smiled. – It’s the least I can do when I let you fall asleep here.

– Mhmf, Isak answered. The food was damn good, and the coffee even better. He made an obscene sound as he took a sip. The drink had just the right combination of bitterness and sweetness, and Isak could feel the heat from the drink rush through his body. – This is so good, Even. Damn.

Even looked at Isak with a lost look in his face. There was some indefinable darkness in his eyes, and his gaze was fixed on Isak's mouth. But then he smiled widely, and his whole face lit up. – Well, I know how to make coffee, he said. – You should drop by KB sometime.

Isak couldn't help smiling back. – Maybe I will.

He stole a glance at Even as he turned around and put Isak's sandwiches in a lunch box. Isak knew he had to keep this…. thing professional. But he had to admit that Even looked very good in the kitchen. When he licked his fingers, Isak had to fight to not make another obscene sound. He looked away and finished his coffee in a rush.

– Finished? Even asked. – Okay, let's go. I'll drive you home and to school.

Isak picked up his apple and walked out of the kitchen. He couldn't remember a morning when he had been in such a good mood before.

He was gathering his stuff to go home, when he felt like everything fell apart.

The doorbell rang, and suddenly she was there. One of the most beautiful girls Isak had ever seen. She was blonde and kind of petite, more than a head shorter than Even. Even smiled when he was about to introduce her, and Isak knew with a feeling of dread what Even was about to say, even before he opened his mouth.

– This is Sonja, Even said. – My girlfriend.

Isak put his smile on, said his own name and greeted Sonja, while his chest ached. He knew he was just a professional cuddler, nothing more. So why did Even's smile and words hurt?

 

##  **Even: You Could Sleep Here**

Even hated to work on the 17th of May. He had always loved the freedom of that day, and loved how he could hang with his friends, just messing around, eating ice creams and playing silly pranks. Mikael, Elias and the others always made that day so much fun. Now that he had avoided his old friends for months, everything was different. He missed them. And everything that used to be fun, all the people and the activity and the lights, colors and sounds, were suddenly difficult, and too much. A part of the reason was probably that he feared to see his old friends and be reminded of everything that happened this winter. He both missed them and feared to meet them at the same time. He was a mess.

So, when he ended up behind the counter at KB on the 17th of May, feeling stressed out because of the hordes of people, and facing not just Mikael and Elias, but all his friends from Bakka, he froze.

– Yo, Even, Mikael said, with an uncertain smile around his mouth. He was wearing a nice sweater and a coat, but no suit, and he reminded Even about the fact that he often liked to look at the 17. May celebration with irony and distance. He reminded Even more about a fumbling kiss and some hard words. _Fuck_. – It’s been a while, Mikael added.

Even swallowed and shook himself out of his stupor. – Uh yeah, hi. Hi guys.

He didn’t know what to say, or what to do. He didn’t know what to do with the pain in his chest or the pulse thundering in his ears. The only thing he could, was to take them all in. The last time he saw them he was hypomanic and manic, and his life was falling apart around him. _God_ , it was strange to see them all again.

Yousef looked troubled as he nodded a hello. Worried. He adjusted his black tie and let his hand run through his hair. _Yeah_ , he was worried alright.

Mutta just smiled and greeted him, and Adam too. Both of them looked good in their suits. Relaxed. They made Even wonder how much they knew. – Good to see you, mate, Adam said, and tried to give him a hug over the counter. It proved to be difficult, and they all chuckled a little.

Well, Even mostly _tried_ to chuckle, as his voice cracked and he almost felt like crying, but it was better than nothing.

Elias seemed calmer than the others, and a little guarded, as if he was assessing the situation. – Hi, Even, he said. – We want five cups of hot chocolate. Some say it’s nice weather, but it’s so freaking… cold.  

– We need something to keep us warm, Adam added.

Even nodded, as he fought to appear like he had some control over the situation. – Five hot chocolates coming up.

He didn’t know what to say or do. He wasn’t prepared for this. At all. What could he say? No matter what he did, he couldn’t take away what happened between them. He ended up clinging to the motions of being a barista.

– You look good, Yousef said, and Even heard just what he asked with that statement. _Are you okay?_

– Yeah, I’m good, Even said, and smiled to prove it. – I’m just trying to figure out stuff, you know.

_I am getting better. I need time._

– Good, Mutta said, and leaned over to squeeze his arm. – Good to hear. I hope you can come help us with the videos soon. Elias is fucking up the editing.

– That’s a truth, Mikael smiled, and Even could finally see traces of his best buddy, just like he was before. It felt familiar, and safe. _And thank God, no attraction, not like that_. – He’s a klutz.

– I’m not! Elias protested, with a small smile.

Even allowed himself a smile, too. _This_ he recognized. The teasing and the banter was what he missed the most.

– I’ll see what I can do, he said, promising nothing.  

But then the boys had to move because of the people in line.

Elias patted his shoulder. – Talk to you later? he said, as the unspoken questions floated between them. _What happened? How are you really doing? Why won’t you see us anymore?_ _Do you want to see us ever again?_

Even nodded again, suddenly feeling exhausted. – Yeah, later, guys. You’ll get your cocoas in a minute.

_Not now, guys. Later. I need time._

It was like they heard what he didn’t say out loud. So they waited for their cocoas, and they left the coffee shop as they sent him smiles and greetings on their way out. Just like they used to, except Even used to leave with them.

Even couldn’t do that. He had to keep on working. His mind could wander, though. While he made coffee and chatted to customers he let himself think about the boys for a moment, and let himself miss them just a little. Not for long. As soon as he started to think about _what happened_ , he pushed his thoughts away.  

Then he thought about the meeting with Isak in the park, about how his hug had warmed Even from the inside out. He thought about how he had spent quite a lot of time editing the video of Isak and him in the park. He somehow had to manage to reduce two hours of footage to something that would interest others. However, he wanted to save every glimpse of Isak. Isak had been so good on camera, it was ridiculous.

Even had to admit that of the reason he worked so hard on the video, was the fact that he had wanted to meet up with Isak again, and he wanted to show him the video. Soon.

The video had been finished yesterday, but Even had been uncertain if he should contact Isak or order a cuddle that early. He chose to postpone it.

And now… 17th of May had turned into this nightmare with all the demanding guests and screaming kids, and of course it didn’t help that he met his old friends, who made him lose his balance for real. He had probably never needed a hug as much as he needed one right now. He had to work, though.

Even tried to pull himself together the rest of the day, as he smiled his most charming smile to every guest and used his warmest voice to greet them. However, everything seemed to get worse from one minute to the next, with cranky customers, spilled coffees and kids throwing up. Even basically ended up having a hell of a day.

It didn’t even help to get off from work. When his eager mom dragged him across Oslo for hours afterwards, he felt drained and used like a wash cloth.

When he finally came home, and slumped down on the sofa, he almost wanted to cry, he was so tired. And at the same time he felt almost like a kid at Christmas; overwhelmed by all the impressions, of all the people and all the things that had happened. He stared into the air, knowing he would struggle to unwind and go to sleep. He needed a cuddle. He wanted to see Isak again, too. To feel him. The want was kind of overwhelming and a little bit scary. Like, how could he want someone he hardly knew like this? He maybe wanted to see Isak for the wrong reasons, but right there and then, he didn't care.

Even picked up his phone, thinking that he at least could see if Isak was working or not today. Just that. The bright colours and images of the Cuddle Snuggle app showed Even that he was. Even didn’t hesitate for long. He called Isak via the app.

– The Cuddle Snuggle app; this is Isak, how may I help you?

Isak’s voice was like honey, but Even's tired brain made him chuckle. – I bet you get a lot of interesting responses to that, he said, without thinking.

 _Fuck_ , he was such an idiot. But Isak didn't disconnect yet, luckily. He responded in a friendly way, and with a smile in his voice. Even had to laugh when Isak joked about heavy breathers, and then he finally remembered to introduce himself. Adding the part about the video when he realized that Isak could know others called Even.

Isak asked about his video. – I hope you got what you wanted. On the video, I mean.

Even had to swallow a time or two, as the thought about what he _wanted_ crossed his mind. He wanted to snuggle into Isak’s warm body. He wanted to kiss him all over, and he wanted Isak to fuck him until he lost himself. _Fuck_.

Then he pulled himself together, and said he was sorry for calling on the 17th of May. When Isak didn’t hang up or shout at him, he kept on talking. He was mostly rambling, and he ended up saying far too much about his horrible day. Then he finally dared to ask the important question: – You wouldn't have any time for a cuddle tonight would you?

Waiting for the answer, he felt a tightness in his chest. He couldn’t admit how badly he needed some warmth and closeness. He wouldn’t want to scare Isak off, after all.

He expected a no, but Isak surprised him and agreed to meet up at Even’s place. Even gave his address, and even mentioned that he was alone, as if that mattered.

Isak laughed, almost snorted, and the sound was so adorable that Even felt like he was melting a little inside. Isak asked if he could take a shower at Even’s, and the idea of Isak + shower almost made Even's brain short circuit for a moment. After a short pause he managed to come with an answer, that the shower was free and some bullshit like that.

– No problem, Even, Isak said then. _No problem_.

Even spent the hour that he was waiting for Isak walking in circles. He was tired. But he was too fired up, too. And nervous. When the doorbell rang, he almost ran to the door. And Isak was there, looking just as good as the last time. Even had to smile at him, although he felt tired and sweaty and miserable.

Even let him in and showed him the way to the shower, and he felt the whole time that he had this goofy smile plastered on. Because _Isak_. He was here. How could he not smile? At the same time, Even’s nerves were on edge, and he was so certain that he would fuck things up. Isak was patient, however, and calm, and seemed like he had everything under control.

Isak disappeared into the bathroom, but Even didn't know what to do. So he knocked on the door, offering Isak something to eat. Isak didn't want anything. Of course. Even should leave him alone. He knew he had to do something with all his nervous energy, though. So he washed up, changed into some more comfortable clothes and made a cup of tea, just to keep himself busy.

When Isak got out of the shower, Even could only stare at him. Isak was dressed in some sweatpants and a t-shirt, but he still looked hot as hell. And relaxed. His hair was still damp and was combed back and it did something to his face; made his features more accentuated.

Isak looked Even up and down, and Even realized that he probably should explain his change of clothes. – I had to put some other clothes on, he said, and laughed a little. And then he rambled about needing a shower, too.

– That's fine, Isak smiled, and came closer. Then he stopped, and Even panicked. _What now?_ He clutched the tea mug in his hands and offered Isak some tea. Again. He had absolutely no chill.

– Maybe later, Isak shrugged, looking cool. How come he always looked so cool? The silence was heavy between them. Even didn’t know what was the protocol here. _Say something_ , he begged silently.  

Then Isak smiled again. – Why don’t we sit on this couch, he suggested, and pointed to the sofa under the bunk bed.

 _Yes._ Even could finally breathe again. _They could do that._ Then Isak asked if they were filming, and Even realized that it was a brilliant idea. Why hadn’t he thought about that? Well, he had probably been too occupied drooling over Isak and being nervous. He let Isak watch the video from the last time while he set up his camera in front of the sofa.  

Of course, letting Isak watch the video made Even nervous as hell. He was always nervous when he let people see something he had made, but showing this to Isak added an extra layer of nerves. Even wanted to impress Isak, or at least give a good impression. What if Isak hated it? But Isak seemed at least to be focused, as he stared at the clip with wide eyes and parted lips, and Even hoped that it was a good sign.

Isak was smart enough to comment that people would have loved seeing Emma and their personal confessions, and when Even answered that he wasn't filming a reality show, it tasted a little stale in his mouth. After all, the main reason he took away some of the personal stuff, was because he didn’t want a confrontation with Sonja. Still, it wasn’t _just_ a lie. He wanted to be ethical about the whole thing, too. So, he had to cut out some parts to protect… Well mostly his own ass.

– So? Even said, when the film stopped. – What do you think?

He was especially nervous about how he had edited the film so that it was probably easy to see that he was infatuated by Isak. Isak didn’t comment on that, though. He just smiled one of his cute smiles, and Even’s breath hitched when he had something like admiration in his eyes. When Isak said it was really good and that he was fine with everything, the relief rushed over Even like a wave.

– Good, he said and put his PC away. Then he turned to Isak, and waited. For what, he wasn't sure.

– Ready for a hug? Isak asked, and the question in his eyes made Even’s knees into mush.

 _That was it_ . _That_ was what he had waited for. He’d waited to feel Isak’s hug. To feel Isak’s arm around him. Even grinned and breathed. – Yeah.

They had a hug on the sofa and Even leaned back so he could lean his head on Isak's chest. Isak rested his hand on Even's front. Even melted into the embrace. It felt warm. Cozy. Safe. This was life, real life. Even wished he could stay close to Isak like this for a long, long time, safe in Isak’s embrace. Isak’s arms were wrapped right around him and they brought a peace Even had seldom known before, a calming of the storms in his heart.

Even enjoyed the hug so much that he literally _grunted_ . And somehow, the hug and the warmth and the comfort made him say stuff that he shouldn't say. – You know, it's nice to touch someone without the expectation of something sexual, he said, like a dork, and flushed at his own words. He sounded like he felt that people were attacking him with sexual wants at all times, but he only meant that this felt _free_. Liberated.

When Isak countered with: – Speak for yourself, I'm a sixteen year old kid, he made all sorts of thoughts and images race through Even’s head. He shut his eyes, as he imagined how Isak could let his hands slide down his chest towards his waist and how he could take Even apart, right there on the sofa. _Fuck_.

Even sank deeper into the warmth of Isak’s body and arms while he tried to control his thoughts. Then Isak told him about how little he had hugged others. Like his father. He sounded so sad that he made Even’s heart ache. That was when Even turned his body and head, so that he was facing Isak. That was when he told Isak that he needed a bear hug, and pulled Isak closer and hugged him. And Isak had felt so warm and soft. And it felt so nice.

– This is nice, right? Isak murmured, like an echo of his thoughts. Even hummed, brushing his nose against Isak’s neck softly. Breathing in the scent of him.

It was more than nice.

He still wanted more, though. After a small moment, Even opened his eyes and pulled away a little, and then he told Isak that he wanted to lie down. He wanted more, and specifically cuddles, lying down. He wanted to feel Isak’s whole body next to his. Isak didn’t object to that.

When they laid in the bunk bed, side by side, everything felt simple, easy, but also kind of magical. Even felt the heat from Isak’s body next to him, and he got to hold his arm around Isak, and Isak rested his head on Even’s chest. Isak held him firmly, and Even realized that in Isak’s arms, he felt safe and his worries disappeared. Even didn't want this to ever stop. It felt as if when he was in Isak’s arms all his pain and griefs went away – all his loneliness, fears and negative thoughts, all that was still left of his depression. If he could only stay in Isak’s arms forever, safe from the world's trials...

At the same time, he knew that Isak _would_ have to leave when their time was up, and Even would be left to stand alone again, and be his own person. He didn’t want to think about that, though. Not now. He focused on the warmth  and the feel of Isak’s body so close to his instead. The feeling soothed him and made his muscles relax.

– This is nice, Even said. Struggling to talk with an even voice. He breathed in the smell of Isak again and had to admit to himself that he was so attracted to Isak that he didn't know what to do. And Isak was right here. Isak’s eyes were green and deep and Even tried not to lose himself in them. But then Isak let his thumb smoothe over the skin on Even’s cheek. A shiver went down Even’s spine. His breathing was getting a little heavier, and his eyes were fixed dumbly on Isak’s lips. _What the fuck was he doing? Why would he put himself in this situation?_

Suddenly he was scared shitless of the tension between them. He shut his eyes for a moment, and tried to think of anything that could take his mind away from Isak. Still he sensed every movement of Isak’s body. Still it was like every single sensation was amplified. He had to stop it. He had to get his mind on something else. _Music, movies, life, anything._

Even stroked Isak’s shoulder. – Do you think life is like a movie? he asked, but regretted the question at once. It was probably a silly question. Isak looked up at him through his eyelashes. Frowned a little, probably because he thought Even was an idiot ( _stop asking stupid questions_ ). Even shook the whispers of his mind away. He knew that he had a lot of insecurities, that seemed to pop up when he was nervous or felt down for some reason.  

– Nah. Not really, Isak said, and Even half expected him to actually say that his question was stupid.

But then Isak surprised Even and took it seriously. And he talked about something both beautiful and horrifying. The inevitability. Parallel universes. Even didn't like it. He had to tell Isak about feeling alone in his head.

He wasn't sure if Isak got it.

Then Isak’s alarm went off but Even didn't want the session to end. He just couldn’t. So he paid for Isak to stay longer.

And Isak started to yawn. He was obviously getting tired. He apparently had sleeping difficulties, too. And Even wanted to bundle him in a blanket and take care of him. Let him sleep.

– You could sleep here for a moment if you like, he offered.

Isak shook his head and protested, even as he seemed to fight to keep his eyes open. He tried to keep awake while Even asked him about music, and Isak was adorable, mumbling about his favourites and pretending to know Nas. He was so cute. He made Even’s insides feel all wobbly and warm. He couldn’t hold back his smile.

Silence fell between them again and Even stroked Isak's shoulder as he stared into space. It felt so good. Warm. Safe. Isak fell asleep.

Even let him, because, well, he wanted Isak to stay, to be honest. And some could claim that he might have sort of taken a bit of advantage of Isak’s tiredness.

In his defence, Even _tried_ to wake him, but it proved to be difficult. – Isak, Even said, nudging his shoulder. – you should wake up. Our hour is soon up.

Isak just grunted an answer. He looked adorable as he slept. His messy, golden hair looked soft to touch. His eyelashes were dark fans towards his pink cheeks, and soft snores came out of his parted lips. Even didn't really want to wake him up, but he knew he should. He stroked some golden curls away from Isak’s forehead. – Shouldn't you go home, Isak?

Isak mumbled and cuddled closer into Even. Nuzzled into his neck. – Nah, he said in a muddy voice. – Don’t wanna. I like your bed better, it’s nice.

He was so cuddly and relaxed that it was almost impossible to grasp. Even just couldn't wake him up. It was evident that the boy needed the sleep. Even tucked the duvet around him and let him be. Lay next to him and drank in the look of him.

About an hour later Even fell asleep feeling enamored, warm and safe, next to this young guy he didn’t even know.

The next morning, Even woke up well rested, with a warm body next to him. Even couldn’t help enjoying the warmth from Isak’s body, although he tried his best not to be tempted. As the lust slowly woke in him, he realized that he was starting to feel better; he couldn't even feel a hint of his depression anymore. Maybe these cuddles actually helped?

Isak’s first word when he woke up was _fuck_. It was touching to see how sleep drunk and well rested he was. On the other hand, it was heartbreaking to see how desperate he was to get away.

– I’m sorry, Even said, trying to explain why he’d let Isak sleep in his arms. Isak didn’t seem to blame him for anything. Even still felt guilty, and offered to make breakfast and lunch and drive Isak to school. The gratefulness in Isak’s eyes was payment enough. Even found some clothes that Isak could borrow and started on the breakfast while Isak got dressed.

It was weird to see Isak in his own clothes. But nice. It felt personal, like sharing clothes was just a step on the path to more intimacy. Even liked that idea, although he knew that he probably shouldn’t.

It was nice to see Isak digging into the food and coffee, too. The sound Isak made when he tasted the coffee gave Even a shiver along his spine. He couldn't help staring at Isak’s mouth.

He was so fucked, it was ridiculous.

But then Even managed to control himself, and he smiled, and came out with a joke that was a badly hidden invitation to meet at KB sometime.

When they were about to go, everything was fine. They were fine. Isak seemed relaxed and they were good to go.

Then the doorbell rang, and suddenly she was there. Sonja. _Fuck._

Even _knew_ that he and Isak only had a professional relationship. He _knew_ that he had a girlfriend. In spite of that, he had managed to lull himself into a bubble of soft touches and secret wishes these last few days, and now the bubble had burst. It probably didn't matter much to Isak, though. The feelings Even battled with were probably one sided. He still felt guilty that he’d never mentioned her.   

Even panicked. He plastered on a smile when he introduced her to Isak, and hoped for the best.

Isak looked surprised, and slightly embarrassed, but smiled and took her hand. – Isak, he said. – Nice to meet you.

It was strange to see him so polite.

– This is the cuddler I told you about, Even explained to Sonja.

Sonja nodded, and looked closer at Isak. It was pretty obvious to Even that she noticed that he was a cute guy, just the kind of guy that Even could fall for, and that he was wearing Even's clothes. Even could also see that she had a lot of questions, but he didn't want that. _Fuck_ , he didn't have time for that. He kissed Sonja on her cheek, telling her that they were in a hurry, and that he had to give Isak a ride to school. Sonja looked a little baffled, but she smiled. – I'll wait for you, she said.

Even didn’t know what to say to that.

Isak followed him out to the car. He had a thoughtful look on his face.

– I'm sorry, Even said, as they buckled up. He felt horrible, like he had lied about who he was. Like he had turned Isak down. – I should have told you about Sonja.

Isak shook his head. Smiled. – You're not obliged to tell me everything about yourself.

– No, Even said, desperate to get his point across, – but I still feel like I should have. You must wonder why I said I missed cuddling at all. Since I have a girlfriend.

– I don't…

Even interrupted him, determined to talk about this before he lost his nerve. – Sonja and I have been together for a long time. We have been struggling a little lately, and my depression made it worse. Lately I have felt like I couldn't touch her. So. That's why.

Isak stared at him, but his expression was impossible to read. – You're not obliged to tell me anything, Even, he said.

Even sighed. – No. Sure. I know that. I just. I want to.

Isak nodded, but he didn’t comment. He looked at the traffic in front of them, and it felt like he wasn’t quite there. Even had seldom felt this lonely.

They stopped at Isak's place, and Isak ran into the building to pick up his backpack. Even let his mind go blank while he waited. He had no clue what these last events meant, and he couldn’t afford to wonder too much about it, either. So he tried to think about nothing. He still felt worried, although he didn’t know why.

When Isak came back, Even gave him his lunch box, and they drove on to Nissen.

Isak smiled and thanked him for the ride when he got out of the car, but it didn't feel right at all. It didn't feel like before. Even couldn't understand what it was, but something was off. Or was it just the fact that he had opened his eyes about the fact that he had a girlfriend, and that Isak was off limits, with or without her?

After delivering Isak to school, Even drove around for awhile, watching people walking and driving to school and work. They were all so busy, and so useful. He had a distinct feeling that he was on the outside of this busy world. A useless outsider. Pariah. He was far from the person he should have been. He was going nowhere.

Although he knew he could go back to school, and find a living, he also knew that he always would keep on doing things that weren't looked at as _useful_.

Movies. Images and stories. Smoke and mirrors. Those were all nice things, but they weren't exactly practical.

It had to be good enough, though, right? It was all he wanted, all he knew.

As he drove through Oslo, he released a slow breath and wondered where his dark thoughts came from. He had been so fine this morning. Happy. Content. And of course… he knew the answer deep down. Earlier this morning he had still been in his bubble with Isak, forgetting everything else. And then Sonja came, with reality, and responsibilities, and it was like a kick in the gut.

He took a deep breath. He was not that bad. Maybe this bubble with Isak had no basis in reality, but it didn't mean that everything was shit. Things could be good, he knew it.

And Sonja...

He knew he had to talk to her.

He sighed, as he set his course back home. He knew that he needed to be brave. He had to be even more brave than he had been when he turned up for his first terrifying cuddle session. He had to be honest with Sonja, and just the thought of it scared him.

He had never been fond of confrontations.

He couldn't do this anymore, though. He couldn't keep on pretending that he had hope for them. He wasn't in love with Sonja anymore, he probably hadn't been for a while. He still cared for her, a lot. She had been an amazing support for him, for a long, long time. He knew he had been important to her, too. It just wasn't enough anymore. And he couldn't keep on using her like a crutch.

He parked the car and sat in his seat for a moment before he took a deep breath and went inside.

Sonja smiled and was her supportive, lovely self, although he could feel the unspoken questions seeping from her. _Who was that guy? What is happening? Are you being careful?_

– Isak fell asleep after we filmed the cuddling session, he explained.

She cocked her head. – Why would you order a cuddle on 17. May?

Even didn't know how to explain it. – It felt like a good idea at the time. I’m not hypomanic, I promise. I just…

_… needed a hug. Wanted to hug Isak._

– ...wanted to finish the filming.

Sonja shrugged then. She seemed to accept the answer. She wasn't a jealous type of girl. She was amazing, really. So why did everything feel so stiff and difficult between them? Why couldn’t he feel the same for her anymore?

He didn’t know if it was just time that had chipped at their feelings and made them smaller. Or if his episodes and all the drama following them had taken too great a toll on them. He just knew that it was how it was.

He had to talk to her. For real.

He made them coffee before he managed to say anything.

– I have to tell you something, he said, as they sat at the kitchen table. – I don’t know what you think, but… this isn't working anymore. You and me. We have tried and tried and tried, and I am just… tired of trying.

Sonja stared at him. – What are you saying?

Even swallowed and swallowed again. – I wanna… break up.

The silence between them was thick with shock, tiredness, anger and confusion.

Sonja shook her head. She looked angry, but also tired. – You're not thinking straight, Even, she said. – You’re just telling yourself that you don’t deserve this again.

And he didn't blame her. It wasn't the first time he said something like this, right after a depressive episode.

– I know that you love me, she said.

Even sighed. – I do love you, Sonja. Just not like I used to.

She shook her head, disbelieving. – Even. Cut the crap. I know you, I know you more than anyone. This is just...

– It's not the depression this time, he interrupted. – This is different. I am not overwhelmed of the fear of hurting you. I just don't feel the same anymore. And I’m tired of fighting for us.

Her eyes narrowed. – It's that boy, she spat. – Isak. You do have a crush on him.

Even shrugged. She might have a point, but it wasn’t the whole truth, and… well, it didn’t matter. He had to deny it. – That's not it, Sonja. Maybe I thought he was cute for a moment, but that's it. It's not like I can date him or anything, anyway.  

Sonja just shook her head, like she couldn't believe it. – You can't go on dreaming your life away, Even. You need me.

Even didn't know how to respond to that.

She took a deep breath. Then sighed. – You know what. We can take a break. Give each other some time and space. Maybe things will look better after that.

He could see how much strength she had to use, to say those words. His heart ached for her. He still didn’t like her suggestion.

– A break, he muttered.

– You owe me at least that, Sonja said. She was crying now. She seemed angry more than anything else, though. Still, her words hit a nerve. – You owe me a chance to make things better.

She looked so small. So strong at the same time. It was too tempting to just give in. Sonja was always so strong, and she always knew what was best. And she _had_ always been there for him. He owed her a lot. Maybe he did owe her this?

 _Fuck, no_. He didn’t owe her. This was just what he had been so tired of; Sonja talking him into things.

– Actually, no, I don’t owe you, Sonja, he said. – But we can take a break, he said. – For now. And then we'll see how it goes.

Sonja left with tears in her eyes and anger in her movements.

Even felt sad to see her go, but mostly relieved. He could have a breather now, and a possibility to figure out what he wanted and needed.

The rest of that week was a strange week. Even was sad, but restless. He felt like he was waiting for something, but he didn't know what. He missed some human contact, though. He tried to contact Isak to order another cuddle that next weekend, but Isak seemed to have logged off the app. Maybe he had the weekend off.

Even spent the weekend doing his shifts at KB and editing what he had filmed so far. That meant that he spent hour after hour studying Isak’s face, and the two of them interacting. Isak was so adorable, funny and smart that it made Even stare and stare and smile involuntarily. It made his chest ache, too.

A part of him realized that he was playing with fire, the way he allowed himself to be enamored by this guy. Another part of him, didn’t care.

On Wednesday evening Even went out to have a kebab. He was standing in the queue minding his own business, when he heard the laughter. And that was when he finally realized what he had been waiting for. _There he was_. Tall. Golden curly hair under a snapback. A soft hoodie on. A soft smile that reached his perfect green eyes and made Even’s stomach flip.

_Isak._

 

##  **Isak: I Won’t stay for long anyway**

Isak knew that he probably was just a professional cuddler to Even, and that he should think of Even as a client and nothing more. He still felt a twinge of disappointment when he met Even's girlfriend. _Sonja_. She was such a beautiful girl. Charming. Although girls weren’t his thing, he could see why Even fell for her.

He didn’t like the thought of Even falling for her at all. Or the thought of them being close.

Isak knew he had no right to feel anything, of course. So when Even drove him to school, he listened to Even’s explanations and tried to keep everything light and easy. He was maybe a little quiet, but he hoped that Even wouldn't notice. He tried to will the disappointment away and swallow the jealousy, but it was still there. Burning in his chest and behind his eyes.

Even tried to say that he was sorry, even though he had no reason to be. He seemed to feel that he had to explain why he needed cuddles although he had a girlfriend. Isak tried to tell him that it wasn’t his business. It wasn’t, but he kind of liked it when Even said that he didn’t cuddle much with Sonja.

 _God_ , he was fucked up.

Isak couldn’t believe it. It was like that one night in bed, no matter how platonic it had been, had opened him up to feelings that he had no right to feel.

He needed to withdraw. Start over.

The next few evenings he spent some time hanging with his buddies. Jonas, Mahdi and Magnus didn't seem to notice that he was in an irritable mood. It was alright.

Two days later it was Friday again, and Isak had hoped to get a shower in the flat while everyone went out (like they often did on the weekends). However, Kollektivet was full of girls fussing about and supporting Noora. Eskild told Isak that Noora was a badass girl, but that she had troubles with her boyfriend. This William guy sounded more and more like a douchebag. Isak wondered in silence if the universe was trying to tell him something. Like that life was a bitch and love was dead, or some shit like that.

He went out with the boys both Friday and Saturday and tried to drown his misery. On Sunday he nursed his hangover and studied.

He avoided the Cuddle Snuggle App, telling himself that the freedom to decide when he wanted to work, was why he has taken that job in the first place. He just needed some time to chill.

The following week was okay, but by Wednesday, he knew he needed to get out of the house again. Maybe have a beer or two, even if it was a weekday. Relax a little. Although he probably had nobody to go out with.

When Eskild dropped by to do some laundry, Isak had to ask.

– I need to get out for a moment and have a beer or something, he said. – Wanna come?

He was sitting on his mattress, looking up at Eskild in the doorway. Eskild's smile was silently pleased, and a little teasing. – Moi? You wanna go out with me, Isak?

Isak shrugged. – Yeah.

Eskild suddenly looked a little worried. – Do you know that it’s illegal for me to buy you beer, child?

– Sure, Isak groaned. – We can just have some coffee or some shit then. I just need to get out of this fucking basement, Eskild.

His let his eyes dart around in the small room with concrete walls and wooden beams. He knew he was lucky that Eskild had known about this small room next to the laundry room, that nobody used. It seemed to have been a place to hang up clothes to dry, but nobody used it anymore. Now it stood empty, and functioned as a place to sleep at night, and a place to store his mattress and other things in the day. It was a place to stay, and he even had access to a toilet by the stairs. Still, it was dark and gloomy, and he feared the other tenants would discover him any time. He really needed to get out.

Eskild looked like he wanted to tease Isak some more, but thought better of it. – I get it, he said. – This place is horrible. And actually, the tension in this house is maddening, Isakyaki. Noora is lovesick, and she’s staring at her phone every second. And you know, Linn isn't better. I need to get out for a moment, too.

So after Eskild had put the laundry on, and Isak had hid his mattress and things away, they walked to the closest cafe/ bar place they could find. It was a small brownish place that wasn't too picky on its customers. Eskild ended up buying a beer for them both, because, as he said: – I need one, and I need the company.  

Isak didn't complain.

– Uhm, Eskild said as they sat down at one of the tables. – How is everything?

Isak shrugged, as he tasted his beer. – It’s fine, I suppose. Busy. You know, it’s busy at school. Exams are coming up, and it’s stressing me out. And I’m working quite a bit. Hanging out with the guys. So it’s good.

He had talked with Eskild almost daily these weeks he had stayed in the basement of Kollektivet, but he realized that this probably was the most he had told about himself so far. Well, except the first night when he probably spilled everything. Or enough that Eskild took him in.

– So why are you so desperate to get out tonight, then?

Isak didn’t know what to say. He couldn’t tell Eskild about his overinvolvement with a straight customer. – I just have a little too much on my mind lately, he said in the end.

– Yeah, I get that, Eskild nodded, and he had an unusually guarded look on his face, like he was holding something back.

Isak frowned. – How about you?

– Good, good, Eskild said, taking a deep sip of his beer. – The thing with Noora stresses me out, though. It stresses everybody out, it seems.

Isak nodded. He didn’t know Noora, not really, but he could understand her frustration as she was waiting on an answer. Why everyone else was so invested, he couldn’t grasp at all.

Eskild took another deep sip of his beer. – Actually, I should use this opportunity to tell you something, he said.

_Ah, there it was._

Isak watched him as he took another sip of his beer. – Yeah?

– I got a text from Linn today, Eskild said and winced. – She has noticed your mattress and things in the basement. I think you need to be a little careful. Of course, you are welcome to stay for as long as you like, but if the neighbours complain…

Isak could feel a sinking feeling in his stomach. – Oh, yeah, I know, he said. He had always known that he couldn't stay there in the basement forever. It still made him panic a little not knowing where to go or what to do. – I’ll be careful. And I won’t stay for long anyway. I should find another place to stay.

Eskild tried to hide it, but Isak could see that he was worried. – You’re not considering moving back home?

– No.

Never. Or not as long as his mom was like she was right now.

– Do you have another option, then?

Isak sighed. He didn’t want to burden Jonas. It started to seem like he would be forced to, anyway. – I’ll figure it out, he said.

He took a deep swig of his beer, as he looked at Eskild. – I don’t wanna think about it. Not right now.

Eskild hesitated, but then he nodded. – Okay.

There was a rare silence between them for a moment. Isak thought about how weird it was, how he got to know Eskild.

– Remember that time I thought you were stalking me?

– What? Eskild asked, looking bewildered.

Isak tried to hide that he felt a little embarrassed. – You know, back when you contacted me on Insta. Before you picked me up in that… bar. What was that about?

– Well, I was hanging a little with Noora and Eva at the time, and you popped up on Eva’s Insta. You just seemed like a fun guy, Isak, so I sent you a message.

Eskild shrugged, and looked far too innocent for it to be true. Isak knew he had to be hiding something.

Isak narrowed his eyes. – Yeah right.

Eskild smiled. – What does it matter? It was lucky I did, so that I could recognise you at that bar. Otherwise I probably wouldn't have intervened. I felt like I knew you. You were one of the kids.

Isak had to smile. Eskild really seemed to have a heart for Noora, Isak and their peers. Like he wanted to protect them. It felt kind of nice.

Eskild turned out to be protective that evening, too. When they had finished their beers, he decided that one beer was enough. Isak knew there was no point in arguing. When Eskild put his mom/ social worker face on it was no use. However, Isak persuaded him to come and grab a kebab. Kebab was what he always went for when he needed comfort. A good talk. Or just something to eat.

Now he mostly didn’t want to go back to his mattress in the basement. Not yet.

They walked over to Bislett Kebab. Isak had a lot on his mind, and Eskild seemed to let him be, only commenting a thing or two on the way. Just as they walked into the place, Eskild made a joke though, and Isak couldn’t help laughing. Then he saw him.

 _Even_.

He was standing in line to order. Isak recognised his posture, his jean jacket and quiff at once. His profile looked kind of vulnerable. When he turned around, his face lit up.

– Isak, hello!

That smile made Isak’s stomach flip again. – Uh, hi! he said.

Eskild’s eyes went back and forth between them. Isak didn’t know what to say. He and Even hadn’t talked about what they would do if they met. It would be ethically wrong to tell Eskild about their cuddles. Well, he could always introduce Eskild. But Even beat him to it.

– I am Even, he said to Eskild. – One of Isak’s clients.

Eskild’s eyes sparkled, and when he looked at Even it was evident that he was charmed (who wouldn’t be). – Oh. I’m Eskild. Isak’s... flatmate. Or maybe neighbour is a better term?

He sent Isak a questioning look. _Shut up, shut up, shut up_ , Isak tried to tell him with his eyes. Even didn’t need to know that he lived in a basement.

Luckily Eskild seemed to pick up on his desperation. – Well, something like that, anyway, he said then.

Even nodded and sent Isak another look, smiling a little.

 _What the hell do I say?_ Isak wondered, feeling his cheeks heat up in embarrassment. He had already exhausted his greetings and small talk when he said “hi”, and an awkward silence fell over the three of them like a suffocating blanket. While Even ordered his kebab, Isak tried to think of anything that could ease up the tension, but his mind was blank.

Even got his kebab, and waited while Isak and Eskild ordered theirs. – Well, it’s nice to see you, Isak. Yeah, of course, you live around here.

Isak nodded, relieved that he knew the answer to that. – Yeah, you know, it’s not so far.

– Do you mind if I join you eating this thing? Even asked.

Oh. Isak would like that. Although he was awkward and nervous, he still would like that. It probably wasn’t a good idea, though. – I don’t know if it goes against the policy, Isak muttered. – We’re not supposed to contact each other if we’re not scheduling a cuddle, you know.

– Oh, shut up, Isak, Eskild interrupted. – Relax. It’s not like you’re his therapist. Eating a kebab together never hurt anyone.

Isak laughed, feeling even more embarrassed. – No, of course not.

So that was what they did, then. They sat down on the bench nearby, ate kebab and talked. Even and Eskild seemed to hit it off at once. They both had this kind of bubbly personality that made them able to talk to strangers about anything. Well, Eskild was the most talkative of the two of them right now. He talked about everything from the difficulties of dating to the perils of sharing a flat with a teenage girl with heartache. Even mostly laughed and looked charmed.

After an amusing but long monologue from Eskild, he suddenly stood up. – Shit, I forgot, he said. – I have something… something  I need to do. You’ll find your way back yourself, Isak?

Isak just stared at him. It was a silly question. – Of course.

– Later then, Eskild said, and was gone.

– I can follow you, if you like, Even smiled. – Eskild seems sort of protective, so I should look after you.

Isak scoffed. – Do I look like I need protection?

Even looked at him for a moment. – Maybe not. I think you look after yourself a lot. But sometimes it feels nice that someone cares anyway.

Isak tried to fight off the blush he felt rising in his cheeks. – Sure, he said.

– So, you had the weekend off? Even asked. – Chilling?

– Yeah you could say that, Isak said, looking closer at Even. – But how do you know that?

Suddenly Even looked hot in his cheeks. – Oh, uh, I was just thinking about scheduling a cuddle this weekend, and I saw that you weren’t available.

– Oh. Yeah, Isak nodded, silently pleased that Even had looked for him. – I have had a little break. That’s what’s cool with this job, you know. That I decide when I wanna work and when I don’t want to.

_Or when I wanna sulk because a hottie had a girlfriend._

– Yeah, sure, Even said, and seemed like he was thinking for a moment.

Isak studied his kebab, in hope of finding something to talk about there.

When he looked up, Even looked back. His eyes were dark as he looked at Isak, and he had a small smile around his mouth. – So, are Eskild and you close?

Isak shrugged. – He's great. A little protective sometimes, as you said, but he means well.

Even nodded. Isak could feel that he was still looking at him. – You know, me and Sonja have been dating since she was 15 or something?

Isak didn’t know what to say. – Okay? he said, keeping his eyes on his kebab. He looked quickly at Even, before he looked away again. – I think you told me already, that you’ve been together for a long time, I mean.

– Yeah. And I said that we're sort of growing apart more and more, Even nodded. – We‘re even taking a break, actually. But I can't just dump her, you know.

Isak let the words sink in. Frowned for a moment, when he wondered where Even wanted to go with this. – Okay...

– If I dump Sonja, she'll think it's because of her heart condition.

Isak stared at him, frowning. – Huh?

Even’s eyes are wide and serious. – You didn't know?

– Heart condition?

– Yeah, her heart has a weakness. She can get sick out of the blue, and then she spends weeks in the hospital.

– What? That’s horrible.  

– Yeah, it’s quite bad, Even nodded. – But it's going better with her now. She's gotten really good help from...

Even looked him in the eyes and seemed a little lost for a moment. – the doctors, you know.

Isak stared at him. Something was strange about this story. Something with the way Even was telling it felt off.

– You know the medicine for cardiovascular diseases has come a long way... Even continued.

 _It was a joke. Fucking hell, it had to be a joke_. Isak narrowed his eyes, then smiled a lopsided smile. – You're joking? he asked. – You are joking? Yeah?

Even nodded and laughed heartily.

– Fuck! Isak exclaimed, caught between a laugh and frustration. – How can you joke about that?

Even just kept laughing, as he slid closer on the bench. – I could've joked about something way worse!

He was far too close, but Isak didn’t have the time to react to that. – No! You couldn't, because that's a very serious thing to be kidding about.

Even still smiled a little. – Well, I could've joked that she had a dick.

Isak rolled his eyes, but couldn’t look away. What was Even’s hangup on dicks, anyway?

– That would've been going too far, Even smiled. His soft voice sent shivers down Isak’s spine. Isak’s eyes felt like they were glued to a path between Even’s eyes and mouth. Damn, Even looked so good. So kissable.

Isak looked down. – Dick...  he repeated.

– Too far, Even said, still looking at him.

Fuck, what was this tension between them? It was like Isak’s brain had stopped working. He licked his lips and cleared his throat. – I don't think medicine for cardiovascular diseases was ... he started, not knowing what he was about to say.

– Oh, was that what betrayed me? Even asked, with laughter in his voice.

Isak kept his eyes to the ground as he nodded. – But... She's sweet, though, he said, only daring a small look at Even.

 _Why can you have a break with her, but not break up with her?_ he wanted to ask. Then: _Why do I want you to break up?_ Sonja hadn’t done him any wrong. And with this professional cuddler job, he knew that he couldn’t allow himself to fall for Even, anyway. – Son-jaaaa, he said, tasting her name.

Even was suddenly very, very close. Something had darkened in Even’s eyes, and Isak didn’t know where to look. He kept his eyes down. Was it only his imagination, or was something heating up between them? Isak could imagine closing the distance between them and tasting Even’s soft lips.

It couldn’t happen.

Isak stood up so quickly that he almost fell over. – I should go, he said.

Even looked confused. – Uh, okay?

– Just… If you need another cuddle for your project, just… you can get in touch with me through the app, right?

Even stared at him. – Right.

– See you later.

– Later.

Isak almost ran home, wondering _what the fuck just happened_ , and _what the fuck should he do about it_.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for taking so long. ❤️ The next chapter comes around March 18th (hopefully) and after that it will be posted regularly.


	3. I Want To Hold Your Hands

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Okay, if you don't remember (you probably don't, lol), this is the fic where Isak is a first year at Nissen but works as a professional cuddler on the side. Even has more or less dropped out of school and works at KB. He really needs some cuddles and meets Isak through a cuddle app. The two of them are trying to keep the cuddles platonic. However, at the end of the last chapter, when they meet accidentally and tension rise between them, Isak ends up running away. After all, he has his rules as a cuddler, and he thinks Even has a girlfriend. 
> 
> So. Even is... confused. In this chapter, there will be more cuddles. There will be a swimming pool, too. And a massage. Quite a bit UST. :)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm BACK! I'm sorry this has taken such a long time. The updates will come more regularly from now on, I promise. I hope you haven't given up on it and that you like it. I am so thankful for Allie, Lizzie and Arin for beta reading for me! You are the best! <3 <3 <3

##  ****

##  **Even: Are you scared of Swimming?**

_What the fuck just happened?_ Even wondered, as Isak stood up from the bench and disappeared. In one minute, he had almost thought they were about to kiss, and in the next minute, Isak was gone.

It was starting to get a little darker and colder around him, but he didn’t care. How could he care when he was so full of nerves, excitement and missed opportunities? _God_ , he had been such a fool. He groaned and stared into the air. What had he been _doing_ ? What was he _thinking_ ? Even knew that he had embarrassed himself telling Isak that awful joke about Sonja having a heart condition. He just didn’t get _why_ he did it. He knew he wanted to ease the tension between them, but apart from that, he didn’t know what happened, really. It was like Isak’s dark green eyes did something to him, and his brain short-circuited.

Isak had been so close in that moment, Even had wanted to kiss him so badly, and he didn’t think at all about the fact that Isak was a professional cuddler, and he didn’t think about Sonja. In fact, he didn’t think at all.

It wasn’t strange that Isak almost had run away, to be honest.

 _Fuck_.

Even walked home with the cold air in his face, feeling baffled and almost off balance. It felt as if Isak had tilted his world a little to the side. Like nothing ever would be the same. Even still hoped that he could see Isak again soon. Only as a professional cuddler, of course. Anything else would be messy. Even still had a girlfriend, although they were on a break, and Isak had his… guidelines, or whatever. He probably wasn’t interested at all, either. Even knew that he had to see Isak again, though. Maybe it would only be for professional cuddles, but so be it. He would take what he could get from Isak.

The family house waited for him in silence. He groaned again as he entered his room and sat down to edit some more on his clips before bed. So, this was what he had been reduced to. He had become so smitten with this boy that he would accept only scraps. It was kind of pathetic.

When his mom came home late that night, Even was still editing, but he told her that he would go to bed. He edited the films until he saw only green eyes swimming before him, and then he stumbled to bed, promising himself to leave Isak alone for a while.

The next few days, Even kept his promise to himself and avoided contacting Isak for another cuddle. He was certain that it was best that he waited a little, so that he could calm down. He managed to wait two whole days (while he used all his time obsessing over his film project) before he contacted Isak again for another cuddle.

He wanted to do something special, but it took a day or so before he figured out what it could be. As he watched _Romeo + Juliet_ Thursday evening, he suddenly knew. Friday afternoon he found the Cuddle Snuggle App on his phone and contacted Isak there with a text message: _Hi, Isak! I would like to order another cuddle please_ , he typed. _Do you have the chance tonight?_

_Hi. I could do that yeah, I’m free after six._

There was a moment, and another text popped up: _I am sorry that I had to go so quickly on Wednesday. I just had something I needed to tend to._

Even was quick to type: _No worries!_

_That’s good._

Even hesitated. Then: _I have a question, though._

_Shoot!_

_You said once that I could ask for us to do almost anything as long as I paid up front, right? Like playing a game or having a coffee or something?_

_Yeah, sure,_ Isak answered. Even could almost hear his apprehension in his answer.

 _Well, then I wanna go swimming,_ Even typed.

_Seriously?_

_Yeah, I would really like that. Maybe it won’t be that much cuddling, but I would just like to spend some time together._ _Swimming. Chilling._

_Okay, I guess that’s fine. Not sure if I even have swimming trunks though._

_Oh, I will bring everything you need. I thought we could meet at seven. It’s not a public bath, it’s in the house of a friend of mine who’s going away this weekend. He said we could borrow the pool as long as we tidy up everything._

_Okay…_

Even suddenly realized that this whole thing could sound like a setup for something other than innocently cuddling and hanging out. As his heart pounded in his chest he was quick to text: _I guess it sounds a little… strange, but I promise, it’s just because I wanted to do something different. Just chilling, you know._

_No, it sounds fine. I know you’re not the creepy kind of guy. Not like that._

Even had to laugh, and answered: _Oh, lol, but I’m still creepy, just in another way? What do you mean?_

_Shut up :) You’re not creepy at all. I will see you later then._

_Yup, see you._

Even was quick to start packing. He found the swimming trunks, towels and everything they needed. He even packed some food and drink. He wanted it all to be nice. He didn’t know how long he could go on meeting Isak for these cuddles, before his feelings would become too much or something else would get difficult. But he wanted to make the best of it, while he had the chance.

Isak met Even at the address Even had given him. Isak looked good as always and Even felt nervous. He wanted this to be alright. He gave Isak a hug before he had time to think it over.

– Halla, he said.

– Hi.

Isak felt good in his arms. But then he withdrew, and they walked up to the house. – So, what’s up? Isak breathed. – Why do you want to go swimming?

Even smiled and shrugged. – I just felt like it, to be honest. I thought it would be alright to do something different.

– Okay.

Even looked closer at Isak. Isak still looked sceptical, but also a little amused. – I guess it could be fine. I like swimming.

– Well, here we are, Even said, as they approached the front of the house. He stopped up for a moment staring at the white building. He remembered playing with his friends here years ago, and it felt a little weird to be back like this. He lead the way up the stairs to the front door.

– So who lives here? Isak asked, as they entered. He looked around. It was a nice house, a house that oozed Oslo West wealth. There was expensive furniture and a grand piano and some guitars in the living room. Art on the walls. It looked like it was taken straight out of a magazine.

– Oh, just a friend, Eskil. Well, he’s more Sonja’s friend, but we have spent some time together lately, so…

_Since he never spent time with his old buddies anymore._

He pushed away the thought.

– The pool is in the basement, and there’s a bathroom down there. I thought we could swim a little first, and maybe eat and have a beer or something afterwards? I ordered you for three hours, so it wouldn’t be stressful.

– Yeah I saw, Isak said, and looked a little hot in his head.

It suddenly hit Even how young he looked. Most of the time Even forgot that Isak still was in his first year at Nissen. And then suddenly, like right now, it was very evident. His golden locks were ruffled because had pulled his cap off his head, and his eyes were big and green.

– We can chill first if you like, he said, not wanting to scare Isak off.

– Nah, it’s gonna be nice to have a swim, Isak said. – It’s chill.

They walked down the stairs. – I can go change first, Even said when they got to the basement. He went into the bathroom and left Isak outside. Even was quick as he peeled off his clothes and put on his swimming trunks. He tried not to think at all, but still imagined that Isak was checking out the pool while he waited.

When Even came back out, feeling a little exposed in his swimming trunks, Isak was looking at the pool. He looked both a little in awe and a little doubtful. In fact, he had a pretty obvious “what the hell am I doing here” expression. He looked up and saw Even, and then he just locked eyes with him for a moment and quickly let his eyes drop to his bare chest before he looked away.

– The pool is nice, he said.

– Yeah, told you so! Even said and shot him a smile. Trying to look a lot calmer than he felt. – We’re just going to chill. I left you swimming trunks and some towels in the bathroom. I think I’ll get into the pool before I get cold, okay?

– Sure, Isak nodded.

– Cool.

Isak passed him to get into the bathroom, and Even went for the pool, quiet and blue in front of him. The surface was perfectly flat and glassy. Even wanted to glide under the surface. He knew that the coolness and silence could bring him to the present like nothing else.

Even heard the door to the bathroom shut behind him, and then he dove in. Shooting through the warm and soothing water, he could forget the past and cease to analyze the future. He wouldn’t worry about who he was, who he would become, who he might never be. In its watery embrace, there was only the present, nothing more. Underneath the surface, he could escape the dull drag of gravity. It was as free as he had ever felt; nothing else came close.

Even came up to the surface and laid back in the water, shutting his eyes and letting his limbs do the thinking for him. Allowing the blue to take all of his worries away, he stretched out his arms, opened his palms and released all bodily tension. He floated for a moment before he heard Isak’s steps on the ledge.

Even opened his eyes and _fucking hell_ . Isak in swimming trunks was a bit more than he had been prepared for. Obviously, he should have thought of this. How could he think it was smart to invite this guy he finds incredibly attractive to a place where they were going to be almost naked? Isak was long legs and strong abs and everything one could want. How was Even ever going to survive this without attacking Isak with lips and body? For a moment he imagined having a pool moment with Isak, just like in _Romeo + Juliet_ . _Kisses… imagine the kisses…_ Wet, soft lips and floating in the water… He quickly threw that thought away. This was not a moment like that. This was supposed to be chilling out and cuddling, nothing more.

– Hi, Isak said, and looked down at him with hesitance in his eyes.

Even stared at him, and hid his blush by sinking down until the water covered half his face. – Come on, Isak, he said, trying to hide how he ogled him. – It's just for fun, Isak, why are you so sceptical?

Isak shrugged. – I'm not sceptical, I’m just not in a hurry, that’s all.  

Even could still see the doubt in his eyes, and decided to tease him into action. – Are you scared of swimming? Or afraid that your hair will get wet?

That did the trick. Isak huffed. – Scared of swimming? Fuck, no. I’m the master of swimming, actually.  
  
He stepped forward and jumped into the pool.

So, there they were, floating and swimming together, playing tag, spinning in the water and diving and jumping from the ledge. They laughed a lot. And Even noticed one thing. Isak didn't laugh like a man all the time; at times he giggled like a boy and Even loved it.  And sometimes Isak threw his head back, bellowing his laughter out so the tiles around them echoed it back. Even loved that, too. It was like listening to Isak’s inner child breaking out.

Yet everything else about Isak was all man. He'd filled out just right with muscle. His face was sometimes an open book, sometimes a mask. His eyes were wise, but they had a softness to them, there was something so welcoming in the rich greens. Even felt just a little more lost, a little more at home, each time they were together.

In that moment Even felt affection for Isak like a puppy loved - devoted, playful, trusting. He guessed he should be ashamed of that somehow; weren't they all supposed to be tougher than that? Yet Even wanted to be strong; strong enough to risk being broken all over again, to love again, fully knowing his own fragility. Even had known heartbreak enough to shatter his mind, to leave his soul feeling like dust in the wind and his body unwilling to live. Well, it was more than heartbreak that made Even want to give up everything, of course. He had been sick. Still, the thought of what his first crush on a boy led to, still scared him.

But Isak was worth it. He was worth _everything_.

It was nice to play and laugh in the water. It was a little overwhelming, too, but Even was proud that he managed to keep his feelings and desires under control. This was just about relaxing and spending time together. This was _fine_.

Then they had the holding their breath competition. It was just a silly game. Isak had mocked Even for not being able to stay underwater for long. Which was just… nonsense. So Even had dared Isak to stay longer underwater. But then Isak swallowed some water, and wanted to try again. This time, they agreed to duck at the same time, and see who could hold their breath the longest.  

It was just silly.

However, at the moment they went under, Even felt something change. The blue silence embraced them and peeled their cocky masks away. Under the surface it was silent, and there was only the here and now, and right now the two of them were in this blue freedom together.

This was a dare, though, and Even had to at least pretend that he was competing. He ended up pushing Isak in the chest, to get him out of it. Isak frowned as he floated to the surface.

– Yesss! Even gasped as he came up for air. He grinned. – I won.

– No, you didn’t, Isak objected. – You were cheating.

Even didn’t know what to say about that. He just wanted to keep teasing Isak. He laughed. – Do you think there are any rules here?

– Yes! Isak shrieked.

They had to try once more.

This time, Even didn’t push Isak at all. They just looked at each other. For a moment, Even thought about _Romeo + Juliet_ again, and the underwater kiss. Then the thought floated away as the only thing he could see was Isak. It was only the two of them, in the blue silence. They stared at each other and Even felt exposed and naked. He felt free.

When Isak reached forward and touched his cheek it felt like a fire on his skin. Even wanted l to kiss him. But of course, he couldn’t, this was just a dare, and Isak was at work.

This time, both of them floated to the surface at the same time.  

When they both floated in the water afterwards, it felt like something had changed. There was a new silence between them. Even didn’t know what it meant, and he didn’t know at all what to do about it.

Isak looked almost worried.

Even realized that he was starting to feel tired. – I think I’ve had enough of this, he said. – I’m starting to get hungry.

Isak floated in the water, watching him. His green eyes looked almost blue in the reflection from the water. – Yeah, okay. You can hit the shower first, so can I do it later.

– Alright.

Even had this feeling that this moment meant something. He also felt like he had missed out on something. But what? He crawled out of the pool and headed for the bathroom.

 

##  **Isak: I’m ready if you are ready**

Isak had no chill. When Even contacted him and asked if they could go swimming for their next cuddle that Friday, he didn’t know what to say. In the end, he accepted it, because… Even was intriguing and hot and Isak was sure he would follow Even anywhere, to be honest. It would be good to get his mind on something else, too.

Kollektivet was buzzing with tension that Friday. According to Eskild, Noora was going to meet William to figure out some stuff. Eskild was talking incoherently about whether or not he was going to London. Isak didn’t quite get what the fuss was about. That evening he got a text from Jonas, though, and he understood a little bit more:

_Bro, did you get the subpoena to testify about the Yakuza fight?_

_Yo. Fuck, no, I didn’t._

_We’re supposed to take statements about the fight. Fuck, this seems more serious than I thought it would be. That William dude might go to prison, too._

_Yeah... I guess we’d better just be chill._

_True. You okay with everything?_

_Sure, I’m good._

_That’s good. Wanna hang tonight?_

_Nah. I’m working. Tomorrow?_

_Cool bro. Later then. :)_

_Later :)_

Isak felt sick when he realized that the he must have missed the subpoena because he lived in a fucking basement. The letter must have been sent home. He shut his eyes, feeling the anxiety tighten in his chest. His mom would be so worried. However, she seldom opened the mail when she felt out of it. He released a slow breath. The letter was probably lying in the pile in the hallway. He should go home one of these days to see if he can find it. _Fuck_. He really didn’t want to. He didn't want to be a witness either. What if he got in trouble for planning this thing? Fucking hell, he had been so stupid.

He knew he should probably text Chris, just to ask what he thought about the whole thing, but he doubted that Chris would be supportive in any way. Isak shook his head, as if to shake off his thoughts. He didn’t have time to worry right now, anyway. He was going to the cuddle thing. With Even.

He felt a tingling in his stomach and had to admit to himself that he was grateful that he could have something to look forward to, when everything else was shit. Even if this whole thing was platonic, and Even had a girlfriend, and this was Isak’s job. It was still something to look forward to. And, well, something to be anxious about, too, of course.

When Isak met Even at the house, he was a nervous wreck. But then Even gave him a greeting hug that felt just a little bit too good, and they went inside, and suddenly Isak didn’t have much time to worry anymore.

He was curious about the fancy house though, and had to ask who lived there. Even looked sad when he mentioned his friend Eskil, and Isak became even more curious. It seemed like Even kept a lot of things to himself. Why did he have so many secrets?

Everything was fine, though.

Isak was fine when they went into the basement to find the pool. He was fine when Even mentioned that he had ordered him for three hours. He was fine. But he was hot in his head too, and screaming on the inside. Because all of this was too cute, too intimate in a way, and he wanted it so much. To be completely honest, he wanted this to be a date, and not a professional cuddle session. And of course, that was off limits.

Some of his internal screaming must have shown, because Even was quick to say: – We can chill first if you like?

Isak shook his head. – Nah, it’s gonna be nice to have a swim, he said.

Because he was fine. _Everything was fine_.

When they were in the basement, Even went into the bathroom to change first, and left Isak outside. Isak exhaled as Even disappeared, and took a few steps until he saw the pool. It lay still in front of him. Harmless. Suddenly Isak recalled _Romeo + Juliet,_ that he finally had watched yesterday evening. He had had to check out Even’s favourite director, after all.

That movie had taken his breath away. He had seldom been floored by something like he was floored by that movie.

And the scene with Romeo and Juliet in the pool had been so sweet.

And now Isak and Even were going to swim in a pool.

 _Fuck_.

Isak stared at the blank, blue surface, as he lost himself in his thoughts. He wished he could kiss Even like that, in the water, and under the water. He wondered for a moment how soft Even’s lips would feel in the slippery wetness.

Even came back out and Isak almost had a heart attack. There was so much leg and so much bare chest, and it took quite some time before Isak managed to tear his eyes away. His heart beat fast in his chest. How was he ever going to survive this without attacking Even with his lips and body?  

– The pool is nice, he said, since his brain had stopped functioning.

Even smiled and looked like a calm fucker, as he told Isak about the swimming trunks and the towels in the bathroom. And off he went, to the pool.

Isak was left staring like a fool after Even as he walked away. _God, those long legs_ … Isak wanted to watch him dive in, but was afraid to get caught ogling, so he quickly stepped inside the bathroom and closed the door behind him.

Isak changed quickly into his trunks, and went back outside. In the pool, Even floated around looking totally at peace. Suddenly Isak could understand why Even would do this. A pool was relaxing, just like cuddles. If he wanted to chill, this was the perfect place. Isak walked over to Even, but hesitated for a moment, watching Even floating around, before he approached the edge of the pool.

Even opened his eyes, and _fucking hell_ . Those blue eyes took Isak’s breath away. _Oh god,_ he wanted to drown himself in his eyes, and kiss him. He swallowed and tried to push his overactive thoughts away.

– Hi, he said, like it was the first time they’d seen each other today. _Fuck_ , he was such a doofus. He wondered if it was wise to enter the pool, as he was half afraid that he would jump on Even as soon as he got too close.

Even must have seen his reluctance to get into the pool. – Come on, Isak, he said, smiling and looking up at him. – It's just for fun, Isak, why are you so sceptical?

 _Sceptical?_ Of course Isak had to deny that he was sceptical. And of course Even had to tease him for it. Isak couldn’t let him do that. So he protested and stepped forward, and jumped in.

The water engulfed him and soothed him, and the laughter and the banter between them, and the playfulness in Even’s eyes did something to him. Maybe this could be fun, he admitted to himself. Maybe this wasn’t so bad, after all.

In the end, Isak surprised himself having a really good time in the water. Here they were, floating and swimming together, playing silly games, and diving and jumping from the ledge. They laughed a lot. Even was in his element, it seemed, as he goofed around and had a lot of fun.

Isak didn’t really catch how it started, but suddenly they were in the middle of a competition of holding their breath. Isak just knew that he had to prove that he could hold his breath underwater just as long as Even. It was just a silly game, of course, but he had to do it.

As they counted down, they laughed and shouted and teased each other, and everything was just a little bit easy, and a little bit tense, too. It was like they both were waiting for something undefinable.

However, in the moment they went under the surface, the blue silence embraced them and everything changed. Under the surface it was silent, and there was only the here and now, and right now the two of them were in this blue freedom together. And Isak couldn’t hide anything in the blue.

But then something shifted in Even’s face, and he smiled. And he surged forward and pushed Isak in the chest. Isak lost his balance and was the first to let himself float to the surface again.

– Yesss! Even said, grinning. – I won.

But of course Isak couldn't accept cheating. So they had to try once more.

This time Even didn’t push Isak at all. It was only Even and Isak, and they were staring at each other. Even’s eyes were so big, and blue, and Isak couldn’t look away. Isak felt exposed in a way he never had felt before. He felt free, too. Suddenly he remembered the scene from _Romeo + Juliet_ again. Fuck, he really shouldn’t think about that. He pushed the thought away.

Even’s eyes glimmered there under the water, and he almost looked unreal. Isak wanted so badly to touch Even, to make sure he was real. He wanted to kiss Even, but of course, he couldn’t. Instead, he reached forward and touched Even’s cheek.

This time, both of them floated to the surface at the same time. For some reason, it felt like Isak had lost something. An opportunity, maybe.

When they both floated in the water afterwards, it felt like something had changed between them. There was a new silence between them. Isak had no clue what to do about it.

_Had he gone too far?_

Since he didn’t have a clue, he just kept floating around, thinking.

– I think I’ve had enough of this, Even said in the next moment. He looked tired. – I’m starting to get hungry.

Isak floated in the water, realizing that he was hungry too. He just didn’t want to get out yet. He sure as hell wouldn’t get naked in front of Even. He suggested that Even hit the showers first.

Even agreed with a smile, crawled out of the pool and headed for the bathroom. Isak let his eyes follow his movements. _Damn_ , to stay professional around this guy could prove to be too difficult. He breathed out and let himself sink into the water, before he swam a couple of laps, waiting for Even to get out of the shower and for his own body to calm down.

When Even shouted that the bathroom was available, Isak was more than ready to get out. He struggled to pull himself out, as his limbs felt heavy.

Even was standing in the hallway, fully dressed, watching him approach. – There… uh… are towels under the sink, he said, giving Isak a quick look. – I thought I could start to make us some food while you take the shower. So. Meet me in the kitchen later?

– Sure, Isak nodded, as he tried to seem at ease.

– I’m gonna need some help with it. You see, I can make some mean eggs, but I’m a mess apart from that. I’m not a big fan of recipes, so I tend to end up with some interesting meals.

Isak chuckled. – Well, I’m good at those, he said, but his voice quivered, as he started to feel cold.

– Shit, you should get into the shower, Even said quickly and backed off. – Later, uh?

– Later, Isak smiled, and stepped quickly into the bathroom.

The warm water falling over him was a relief. He shut his eyes and tilted his head back, and let the water massage his head and face. He needed to get his shit together, like right now. He didn’t even allow himself to imagine Even, or what he secretly wanted to do with him. He finished the shower quickly and got dressed.

When he got up and found the kitchen, Even was busy at the stove. His hair was messy, and he seemed in a good mood, but maybe a little bit flustered.

– I put on the sauce too early, he complained. – Now it’s finished, but the potatoes will take forever. Who knew that making food was about logistics?

Isak had to laugh a little. – Just let the sauce rest, then, it’s no big deal. You saved the meat until the end, yeah?

– Sure, Even said, grinning. – I learned that the last time I ended up with meat that we had to chew for hours.

Isak stepped in to help him. All the times he had to make food for his mom became useful. He knew he wasn’t a master in the kitchen, and he could guess Even could beat him when it came to creativity, but he had learned some basic things, and he knew how to follow a recipe. Maybe the two of them fit pretty well like that, with their different strengths.

_Nope._

He had to stop thinking of them like that. Isak pushed all dangerous thoughts away as he helped Even to throw the meal together. It turned out to be pretty good. The sauce was maybe not that hot, but that didn’t matter. It tasted heavenly.

The two of them decided to sit at the kitchen table, and Isak felt like he was in some sort of a dream. Because this felt like a date. No, it felt like a family. Like _home_. And it was such a strong feeling that it almost took his breath away. He hadn’t known how much he had missed this feeling before now.

He swallowed and swallowed and his eyes still stung with the tears he had to hold back.

– So, he said to get his mind on something else. – What kind of favors do you owe your friend for hijacking his house like this?

Even chuckled a little. – Nothing, I’m afraid. He’s just kind. And I guess I seemed desperate enough.

Isak startled a little. – Desperate, huh? he asked, and tried to sound like he was teasing Even.

– Yeah, uhm… like I _really_ needed to chill for awhile, you know?

 _Oh. Right._ Isak nodded. He leaned back, as he started to feel very, very full. – I think I have eaten too much, he said. – If you still want that backrub you talked about last time, I need to step back from the food. Or else I will just fall asleep or something.

Even just smiled at that, and then he got up. He looked a little flustered again. – Okay then. You’re on the clock, so I can do the dishes later. Should we go to the living room? I put a mattress on the floor, because, well the bedrooms are kind of cold and, well, they feel kind of private.

– Oh, yeah, that sounds best, Isak said, as he took his plate and glass to the kitchen counter. – I’m ready if you are.

Even nodded, and put his plate on the counter, too. – Sure, I’m ready.

He stood for a moment watching Isak, before he asked: – So, uh, do I keep my shirt on, or what?

Isak scratched his hair. _Shit_ . He hadn’t thought about that. A massage would mean that he would be met with a lot of skin. Even’s pale and soft skin. _Oh God_.

– You should take your shirt off, he said as he screamed internally. – You can keep your sweatpants on, though, since it’s only a backrub. I’ll…. get my stuff.

When Isak came into the living room with his bag, Even was standing by the window. Even took his shirt off and Isak couldn’t help stealing a look at him. Then he snapped out of his secret admiration and went to the mattress. He put on some relaxing music and picked out the oils from his bag. Even was sitting on the mattress now, looking a little lost. That had Isak feeling a sudden warmth surging through him, and a strong wish to take care of Even. Isak pushed his feelings aside and focused on what he should do. That would probably help them both relax, anyway.

– You can lie down on your stomach, he said. – If I go too hard or do something you don't like, just tell me, okay.

Even grunted an answer and Isak started.

It was a lot easier than Isak had feared. When he started to work on Even’s muscles, he lost himself in the movements and could forget his hopeless crush for a moment. And Even seemed okay with it. He moaned when Isak hit a tight spot or did something he liked, but otherwise just stayed quiet and seemed to enjoy the massage.

But then Isak let his eyes wander and thought about how it would feel to give Even a full body massage. What if he could massage his legs, and his butt? _Oh dear God._ Isak stayed professional, though his thoughts were anything but. As he knelt on the mattress and straddled Even’s leg to lay enough pressure on Even’s lower back, he kept pushing aside images of grabbing Even’s butt or of sliding his cock between Even’s cheeks and giving him a prostate massage he'd never forget. _Oh shit._ He needed to get a grip. This was his _job_ . Even had a _girlfriend_. It was just… Even’s back was so beautiful. And the sighs he let out were so hot...

Isak sighed as he noticed that he was starting to harden in his pants. When he straddled over Even to reach his neck muscles better, he had to struggle not to grind down. It didn’t help that Even moved a little too, like he also had a hard-on.

Isak knew that many guys, straight or gay, could get hard during a massage. It generally had nothing to do with sexual desire; it was just a relaxation and blood flow response. It probably had something to do with the fact that many men were touch deprived, too. That thought didn’t help much, though.

A sweat broke out on Isak’s forehead as he fought to keep his feelings in check. After a little while Even was a little too restless to work with, and Isak realized that Even had quite a similar problem as Isak had. – Sorry, Even chuckled. – I think I maybe need a little break.

Isak smiled, as he told himself to stay calm and at ease. – No problem. I told you, right? It happens. You can relax that muscle after I leave, right?

Even laughed, seeming a little embarrassed, and Isak did too. He knew he sounded cockier than he felt. He stood up and took a sip of water, as he tried to calm down. It seemed like Even was trying to do the same. He kept lying on his stomach, though. After a little while, Even said: – I’m good. I think.

– Great, Isak nodded. – I’ll finish the backrub then. And if you like, we can chill a little afterwards?

He secretly hoped to feel some of Even’s hugs. He loved Even’s hugs.

– Sounds nice, Even muttered.

They continued.

The break hadn’t helped much, though. What Isak really wanted to do, when he started working on the spine of Even’s back, was to slide his hands down into Even’s pants and grab his ass. _Damn_ he was having a problem. He seldom had difficulty keeping his thoughts from downright raunchiness during a session, but now his mind went everywhere.

Isak made it through without doing anything inappropriate, and got back to Even’s neck and shoulders. He concentrated on them, releasing the knots and working out the tension. He worked on Even’s arms, as well. Isak finished the massage by inducing a still point at the base of his skull. It was a quiet time and Even seemed to slip away completely; his body trembled a couple times as the last of his tension wicked away.

After the massage they lay down face to face on the mattress, holding each other close. Even’s one arm lingered around Isak’s waist. _Fuck, that feels good._ Isak couldn’t help it, he wanted to kiss Even so badly. Shit, he wanted a lot more, to be honest. He shut his eyes, focused on breathing slowly and tried to think about anything that could calm him down.

– This day has been pretty amazing, Even muttered after a little while.

– Mm... yeah.

Even chuckled a little. – We missed the chance to do something dramatic in the pool, though. Like fight or kiss or have a near accident or something like that. That would have been a true cinematic moment.

Isak huffed a laugh, and tried to ignore the hot feeling that raced through him when Even said “kiss”. – Life isn’t a movie you know?! I know you’d like to direct your life into something like… I don’t know, _Romeo + Juliet_ , but life just isn't like that.

He noticed that Even was looking at him. His blue eyes were piercing. – Have you seen _Romeo + Juliet_? he asked, with curiosity all over his face.

 _And fuck_ . Isak hoped that the heat in his face didn’t show. – Uhm, yeah, he tried to say, casually. _Fuck, fuck, fuck._ Mentioning exactly _that_ movie would seem pretty random since they hadn’t talked about it before. If Isak hadn’t stalked Even, he wouldn’t have known about it at all...

Maybe admitting a half truth would be better than anything else. He took a deep breath. – Well, it’s your fault, really, he said. – I had to check out who you were, for like… security reasons, you know. And then I saw this video where you ranted about Baz Luhrmann…

Even’s eyes grew wider. – How did you find… Wait… You did what? he said, and grinned. – You stalked me, Isak?

Isak rolled his eyes. – Sure. Yeah. I just had to make sure you weren’t a serial killer.  Anyway, I got bored yesterday, so I put the movie on.

Even’s gaze was intense now. – Don’t mess with me, he said.

– I don’t mess with you, what the fuck? Isak frowned, confused.

The laughter Even gave him then, made Isak shiver a little. Even squeezed Isak tighter. – It’s just so weird. I watched it yesterday, too.

 _Oh damn._ Isak shrugged, tried to act casually. – Ah well, that’s just a coincidence. I bet you see that movie all the time.

– Sure, but… Wait. When did you put it on?

– About half-past nine in the evening I think. Why?

Even relaxed, shook his head, and laughed a little. – No, I’m just being silly, I guess. I just saw the time when I put it on, and I noticed that it was 21.21. Sometimes I get hangups on numbers like that. Fun fact: Romeo and Juliet’s kiss in the pool was at exactly 21.21 minutes into the movie. I know, because I have paused it a lot. Would have been such a coincidence if you watched it then too. But of course, we will never know.

Isak didn’t know what to say. He could sometimes have fun looking for patterns, too, like the Illuminati eye and things like that. But this seemed to matter more for Even.

Even laughed an awkward laugh. – I’m just a movie nerd, I guess. And sometimes I see patterns where there are none.

– Who knows, Isak said then. He had to admit he liked the thought of the two of them watching the same movie, at the same time. He couldn’t admit that out loud, of course. He thought for a moment, remembering Even’s talk about directing his life as a movie again. – So… Do you believe in destiny? he asked. – Fate?

Even met his eyes. – I don’t know, I… Sometimes you meet someone, and it’s so clear that the two of you, on some level, are _right_ , you know? That you belong together?

 _Yeah, I know._ Isak’s heart beat faster. This was exactly how he felt.

– And it doesn’t have to be as lovers, but it can be as friends, or family. Soulmates, maybe. Everything works, somehow. You just meet these people in your life, in the strangest ways, and they help you feel... alive.

– Kinda sounds like fate to me, Isak whispered. He didn’t know why he whispered, but he did.

Even smiled. – I don’t know if that makes me believe in coincidence, or fate, or sheer blind luck, but it definitely makes me believe in _something._

Isak sighed. He liked what Even said, but he struggled to find the right words for what he believed in. He only knew that he wanted to share it. – Yeah well, he said. – I don’t believe that our future is determined, and I don’t believe in God. But the universe is fucking beautiful, you know, and infinite, and it’s hard to think that there’s nothing behind all of that.

– And you believe in parallel universes, Even smiled.

Isak smiled back. Shrugged. – Yeah, maybe.

Even’s smile was so shining, and so sweet, it made Isak’s chest ache again. While they had been talking, he had been focused on their ideas, but now all the senses in his body rushed back. He had been holding back his attraction all day, and now it started to feel like too much. He could feel Even’s arm around his waist and the warmth from his body next to him. They were so close, and the possibilities so many, and he couldn’t help noticing how the heat spread through his body and made his dick harden again. _Fuck_.

Isak stared at Even, at his lips, and his eyes, and he wondered if Even felt some of the same tension. Even’s eyes were watching Isak as he fought the impulse to lean in and kiss Even. Isak shuddered and took a deep breath. He needed to chill. It felt like his pants were about to bust at the seams, too. Fuck, coming here was such a bad idea.

All in all, it was one of the better cuddles he'd ever done, though. It wasn’t just the massage or the physical stuff either. Isak knew that intellectually they were very compatible. They just clicked on so many levels that Isak hardly had to think to know what he needed to do. His problem was, something about Even clicked with him too deeply; it was more than physical attraction and that scared the shit out of him.

There was a question in Even’s eyes now.

Even moved his head closer to Isak. Isak lay frozen, feeling his heart beating too fast in his chest. _Even’s plush lips…_ He shouldn’t do this. But, fucking hell, he couldn’t fight against the thoughts that were going through him. Even’s very smell was flooding his senses now… He wanted to smell Even, and to taste him… Isak surprised himself as he leaned in a little closer, their foreheads touching. Isak’s eyes were heavy – close to fluttering shut – his lips parted and close, so close, to kissing Even. Even tilted his head a little, and bumped his nose against his. Isak’s breath was shaking.

The silence between them felt like forever. Isak knew far too well that he should stop this thing, before it was too late. Then the decision came, like out of nowhere, and Isak went all in.

 

##  **Even: I think I maybe need a little break**

If Even was being honest with himself, he knew he was in for trouble. _Isak_ , the cute guy he had been ogling since the first time they met, the guy he felt closer to than anyone else, was going to give him a back rub. Isak was going to touch Even’s naked back. _With his hands_. How could Even ever possibly survive something like that?

Even sat on the mattress on the living room floor in his friend’s house, and didn’t know what to do. He had thrown his shirt off and it lay on the floor next to the mattress. Even watched Isak pick small bottles with scented oil from his bag, and his mind stopped working. Because those hands… those strong, long fingers would soon be all over his back. _Fuck._

– You can lie down on your stomach, Isak said, in a kind of raspy voice that made Even shiver a little. The rest of what Isak said disappeared in a blur as Even did as he was told.

Isak took a bottle of oil and poured it into his palm, rubbing his hands together to warm it up. Even could smell a spicy scent spreading around him, making him relax into the mattress. But then Isak’s oily hands were touching his back, sweeping up and down, and _fuck_ , that felt good. They were slick and warm and Even had to struggle to keep back a deep grunt.

However, in less than a minute Isak’s thumbs were digging into some sore points in Even’s back, and before Even could stop himself, he was letting out a soft and breathy moan. His breath hitched in sheer embarrassment, _fuck_ , he couldn’t believe he allowed himself to let go like that. Luckily, Isak didn’t seem to react to it. He just kept going, massaging Even’s shoulders and back.

Even told himself to breathe calmly and started to relax again. Isak’s hands were warm and big, and they slid over Even’s back in a kind of sexy way. Even couldn’t help that his mind wandered. He would love to feel those hands all over his body. At one moment Isak was kneeling over him, more or less straddling one of Even’s legs, pushing heavily on his lower back, and Even imagined how Isak could just pull his sweats down, push him down and fuck him. Slide into him. _Oh fuck_.

Isak sighed over Even, and straddled him, probably to reach his neck muscles. The only problem was, that Even was as hard as a rock, and Isak’s position over him didn’t help at all. Even could feel Isak’s thighs burn against his, Isak’s hands burn around his neck. His dick throbbed under him, and fuck, he needed to move. It was painful. He moved a little, just to give himself a little relief. It didn't help for long.

After a little while, Even was too restless to lie still. He let his hips move, just a little. Fuck. That didn’t help enough. He knew he couldn’t let Isak continue without making a fool of himself. He would just… come in his pants. The shame burned in his face, but there was no way around it. – Sorry, he murmured, and chuckled to hide how embarrassed he was. – I think I maybe need a little break.

There was a small silence before Isak got it. But then Isak sounded cool as he said that it was no problem. He even cracked a joke. Even was devastated. He knew boners were normal in situations like this, but it still felt kind of horrible.

He tried to pull himself together while they took the break. After a little while, and probably too soon, he said: – I’m good. I think.

Well, he was still semi-hard, but he hoped that he at least could manage to lie still.

The break hadn’t helped much, though. Isak’s hands were so warm, and it felt so intimate. What Even really wanted to do, when Isak worked on his back, was to roll around and grab Isak and kiss him. He wanted to fuck Isak, too. Be fucked. _Damn_ he was having a problem. Isak kept on treating him very professionally, though.

Isak finished the massage by inducing a still point at the base of Even’s skull. It felt like Even floated away for a moment, and he shivered. He still was horny, though. So fucking horny. Images of him and Isak fucking filled his mind. But he was going to keep it like that. Only in his mind.

After the massage they cuddled on the mattress, and talked a little, and Even’s arm lingered around Isak’s waist. Even kept Isak’s gaze, wondering how he could have this strong urge to kiss Isak all the time. His dick was nowhere near calming down either. He tried to talk about something else. Anything. The only thing he could think about, was to thank him for the day, and joke that they missed the opportunity for a cinematic moment in the pool.

When Isak laughed and mentioned _Romeo + Juliet_ , Even almost choked.

When Isak admitted that he had searched for Even online, and found the video with Mikael, Even couldn’t believe it. He couldn’t even believe that he had forgotten to delete it in the first place. But that wasn’t important. The important thing was the fact that Isak _had_ watched _Romeo + Juliet_ , the same evening as Even, and maybe even at the same time. Even knew he was silly, but he still saw it as some sort of a sign.

It had to mean something, right?

Even might claim that he didn’t believe in destiny, but fuck it, sometimes he was superstitious as hell.

So when Isak asked if he believed in destiny, Even told him how it felt like sometimes, when you met someone, and everything felt right, it was clear that meant something. He told Isak that he didn’t know what he believed in, but that it had to be something. And Isak told Even what he believed in. Isak seemed so enthusiastic, and sweet, and Even couldn’t take his eyes off him. Isak’s curls bounced a little as he talked, and his eyes were so sincere, and his face so open. And everything just felt so right in that moment.

The only thing Even managed to think about, was Isak’s warm body next to him, his dark, green eyes, his red cheeks, and his parted lips.

Even stared into Isak’s eyes and sent him a silent question. _Can I kiss you? Can you kiss me? Can we do this? Is it alright?_

In the end, Even moved his head closer to Isak. Isak lay still, staring at him, and Even halted, with his heart beating in his chest, waiting for a sign. He knew that Isak had his rules, after all. He probably shouldn’t do this. But Isak was so warm, and so close, and Even could smell him, and feel him, and he wanted so badly to taste him, too. And to _touch_.

Isak surprised him as he leaned in a little closer, their foreheads touching. Isak’s eyes were hooded, his lips parted and it would have been so easy to kiss him. Even tilted his head a little, and bumped his nose against Isak’s. Isak’s breath stuttered a little.

It was so silent between them. Even was sure it would all end there. But then. Then Isak kissed Even, and the heat of the shock rushed through Even’s body. _Isak’s kissing me! We are kissing!_

 

##  **Isak: Do you believe in Destiny?**

Isak finally kissed Even’s warm lips, and heat spread through Isak’s whole body. _We are kissing_ his thoughts roared inside of him. Then: _I am kissing a boy! I am kissing Even!_

It was like a shock and a triumph, all in one. At first the kiss was slow and soft, but it quickly turned into something hot, fiery and demanding. Even’s lips were so warm and hands were everywhere. Isak shivered, and wanted, and wanted, and wanted.

They pulled apart to get some air, and stared at each other, deep into each other's eyes. Even’s lips were parted and his eyes were dark. Isak didn’t know what he saw there, in Even’s eyes, but it was something like tenderness, wonder and want. Isak shivered. He knew he should feel regret, but he couldn’t. He only felt awe, and desire.

Unable to contain himself, Isak grabbed hold of Even’s face and pulled him into a deeper, more desperate kiss. Even’s hands roamed his back and pulled him closer.

As they kissed, Isak rolled Even over and lay on top of his slender, strong, warm body. He ran his lips up Even’s neck and felt how Even shivered.

Then Isak’s alarm went off.

Isak jumped. _Saved by the fucking bell._ He shouldn’t be doing this. He had to stop this. It felt painful to pull away from Even, but Isak knew he had to. He sat up and breathed heavily as he tried to compose himself. – I uh… should go, he said. – Sorry, but this… I shouldn’t…

– Uhm, okay, Even muttered, as he sat up too. He looked a little confused. Hell, he looked dishevelled, with swollen lips, red cheeks and messy hair. – It’s… uh… alright.

Shit, Isak wanted to kiss him again, but he knew he couldn’t.

– Yeah, he mumbled, stood up and started to put on his hoodie, even though he was warm. Fuck, he was hot, and his pulse was beating like he’d run a marathon. He was hoping to make the trembling go away. He needed to get out of there. He needed to address this, too, though. – I didn’t mean to kiss you, he said. His voice was a lot shakier than he wanted it to be. – I’m sorry.

– It’s okay, Even said, still looking a little dizzy. – Don’t worry.

Isak nodded as he put his things into his bag. His hands were still trembling. _Fuck_ , how could he let this happen? How could he let it go this far? He was such a mess.

Even was following his moves with his eyes. – Thanks for the cuddle, though, it was nice, he said.

Isak nodded and picked up his bag. He couldn’t stop the hot feeling rising in his cheeks. – Good; I uh… hope it made you feel good.

That made Even come with a silent laugh. – Well, that was one of the best cuddles I've ever had, he smiled. He still looked hot in his head, too. – And I loved the massage.

Isak smiled then. Even’s smile was so irresistible, and… contagious. It was impossible not to smile back. – Thanks.

There was a beat as they looked at each other and their smiles faded. Even looked at him seriously. – I mean it, you know. You've got the touch and the intuition. I could use some of your cards; to tip my friends about you.

Isak had to smirk. Was Even from the stone age or something? – I don't have cards. Just use the app. I think you can get some bonus or something if you get new people to try it out.

– Oh, yeah.

Even looked a little confused, so Isak fought his instinct to either attack his lips or run away and showed Even the app on his phone so that he could see where to register the recommendations.

Even’s fingers lingered against Isak’s as he took the phone and looked closer. There was a tingle that ran from his touch all the way down Isak’s spine and to his groin. Isak pulled back quickly, a little too quickly, because Even noticed.

– You ok?

Isak nodded, as he felt the heat flush in his face. – Yeah, you know… just a long day and an early morning tomorrow.

Like it wasn’t obvious that Isak wanted Even so bad that his body ached.

Even’s eyes studied Isak's and then dipped to notice the long, hard line running down the inside of his pant leg. _Fuck._ Even couldn't have missed the bulge in his jeans. His eyes dragged up and met Isak’s again. – You sure?

– Yeah. Isak was breathing a bit harder as he finished packing up his stuff.

Even was standing close when Isak turned to say goodnight. Not in his face, but definitely just within the comfort zone. – Isak, uhm, could I call you sometime?

Isak’s breath hitched. That was not a request for another session. Even wasn't pushing, but Isak saw sincere interest in his eyes. Even wasn't asking Isak to stay; he was asking if there was a chance for more than a professional relationship. _Oh, fuck._ Isak’s libido screamed "yes," but his mind knew better. Isak swallowed and struggled to find the right words. – Even, I admit, I like you, and under other circumstances, I'd probably go for you in a heartbeat.

– But… Even smiled a little, but had a slightly tense look on his face.

Isak took a deep breath. – But you have a girlfriend, he said. – And even if you didn’t, it's not allowed, you know that. We talked about this. Part of the code of ethics for us cuddlers is that we cannot have personal relationships with clients. Blah, blah, etc. and so forth.

Even bit his lip and nodded. – Blah, blah, yeah, he chuckled. – Sounds reasonable.

Isak couldn’t help smiling. How did Even always do this? He always made Isak feel at ease, no matter how awkward he felt. And fuck, he wanted to kiss Even again. He couldn’t, though. – You know… If I did, how would you be able to trust I wasn't fucking any of my other clients?

Even sighed and stepped back. – Yeah, I guess that makes sense. I’m sorry, Isak. And, I hope you know I’m not the type of person that kisses anyone although I have a girlfriend.

His eyes looked so vulnerable. Isak couldn’t take his eyes off him. – Okay? he whispered. – What type of person are you then?

Even didn’t seem to know what to say. He looked away. – I… I take it that calling for more appointments, wouldn't be a good idea.

Isak’s heart sank. What he wanted, for the first time with any client, was for Even to push the issue. Isak thought if Even had taken him in his arms and kissed him again right now he'd have ended up on his back with Even riding him to oblivion. He'd never had it that bad for anyone, client or not.

He couldn’t admit that, though. He nodded. – I don’t think it would be good for either of us.

Even shrugged. – Okay. I have kind of started to like this cuddling business. Could you tip me about some suggestions for other cuddlers to look into?

Isak smiled. – Vilde is good. I'd be happy to show you on the app.

That was a lie. Isak wanted to keep Even to himself. He wanted Even in his bed and against his body, but that wasn't going to happen.

 

##  **Even: The Mind is Alone**

The slow, soft kiss quickly turned into something hot and demanding. For a moment, they pulled apart, and stared at each other, and Even couldn’t hold back his feelings at all. God, this was so amazing, and Isak was, too, and this felt like it could be something… more.  

Isak grabbed hold of Even’s face again and pulled him into a deeper, more desperate kiss. His fingers slid into Even’s hair. _Oh fuck_ , it was hot. Even’s hands roamed his back and pulled him closer.

As they kissed Isak rolled Even over and lay on top of him. Even could feel Isak’s strong muscles flex as he pushed himself closer. He ran his lips up Even’s neck and Even shivered from the touch.

Then Isak’s alarm went off.

 _Fuck, no!_ Isak jumped, and sat up. He looked so amazing in that moment, with swollen lips and pink cheeks and dark green eyes that Even wanted to drown in. He was breathing heavily, and muttered something about leaving.

When Isak leaped up, and started to put on his hoodie, Even wanted to scream. Even had never felt as naked and cold as when Isak left his arms in that moment. Isak looked like he really needed to get out of there, though.

And Even understood. He tried not to take it personally. But, _hello_ , who was he kidding. Isak was putting on clothes and packing his things and he couldn’t meet Even’s eyes at all. It really didn’t look like Isak wanted to spend a moment more in the same room. So Even said it was okay, and he thanked him for the cuddle.

When Isak smiled at him, Even mustered all the courage he could find and asked Isak for his card. Just to get a chance to see him again. But Isak talked about the cuddle app again. He showed Even the app on his phone, so that he could see where to register the recommendation.

Even tried to focus, but it wasn’t easy, having Isak so close. His fingers lingered against Isak’s as he took the phone and looked closer. There was a tingle that ran from his touch all the way down Even’s spine and to his groin. Even noticed that Isak pulled back a little quickly. He knew he should let it be, but he couldn’t help it. – You ok? he asked.

Isak nodded, and talked about being tired. He looked tired, but he mostly looked bothered. Hot and bothered. When Even looked down, he noticed the long, hard line running down the inside of his pant leg.

_Oh._

Isak was hard, too? Isak wanted this too? Even couldn’t believe it. A warm feeling surged through him. Suddenly he felt very brave. – Isak, could I call you sometime? he asked. And he wasn’t asking for a professional cuddler. He was asking if there was a chance for more. He was asking for more than he had ever dared to.

Of course, Isak rejected him. He was very polite about it though. _U_ _nder other circumstances_ , he said. _Sure._ Even didn’t hear the rest. It all disappeared in white noise. He just knew it was about Isak’s _rules_. They were stupid rules. Well, and of course, Sonja. But if Even was sure about one thing, it was that Sonja really wasn’t an issue anymore.

Even felt like an idiot when he felt the urge to explain that he wasn’t the type of person who made out with others although he had a girlfriend. He felt even more like an idiot when Isak asked what type of person he was.

Because he was an asshole, really. He _had_ kissed someone else than his girlfriend. And it wasn’t even the first time. _Fuck_.

This time, he and Sonja had been on a break, though.

Well, that didn’t matter any longer. Isak had said that they couldn’t do this. He looked so honest and serious in that moment, and Even couldn’t take his eyes away. _God_ , he wanted to kiss Isak, and bury his nose in those soft, golden curls. Instead, he accepted what Isak said and took Isak’s advice about seeing this Vilde person. It was the reasonable thing to do.

He still felt rejected. He still felt like an asshole.

Isak left pretty quickly after that.

Even walked home feeling miserable, telling himself that he was an impulsive fucker and that he had reacted too strongly to something that never was meant to be. It had just been an innocent flirtation.

He was almost home before he realized that he never got to show Isak the video he had edited. Was it weird of him to hope that it meant that he still could meet Isak again? Maybe not weird, but definitely naive.

He sighed to himself as he let himself into the house, and knew that he had to do something. He couldn't allow himself to drown because of this thing with Isak. He had just crawled out of a depressive episode. He had to find a way to move on and live with it. The cuddle app part of his project was over, so he should maybe move on to another app. He had thought of testing out both a friendship app, a shopping app and even a cleaning app. Maybe that cleaning app could be next? Or maybe some other personal app?

When he came into the kitchen, he froze in the doorway. Blonde hair gleamed in the light from a reading lamp.

– Sonja?

Sonja's familiar face looked up from her book. – Hi, Even! she said with a nervous smile. – Your mom let me in, and said I could stay while she went to the store. She said she thought you would be home soon. So.

– Sonja, Even said. – I know we were supposed to try, but that doesn’t mean that you can come and go as you please here anymore. We’re on a break, right?

Sonja stared at him, and then she nodded. She looked tired. – I know. I’m sorry. I didn’t think. I’m so used to coming here, you know? I just… thought we should talk.

At least they agreed on _something_. Even nodded. He couldn't help smiling to her. It was what he was used to do, when she was feeling down. – We should.

He walked over to her, and sat down at the table, facing her. He wished he had a cup of tea or something else to keep his hands busy. He picked up his box of snuff from his back pocket, and twirled it in his hands.

Sonja shifted in her chair, and he knew it partly was because she didn’t liked that he used snuff, or smoked. She didn’t say anything about it for once. – So how do you like having this break? she asked. – Was it the right thing to do?

– I don’t know. I think…

– I don’t know either, Sonja sighed. – I thought I knew, but… I just miss us, Even.

– I know. Sometimes I miss us, too, Even admitted.

Sonja nodded. – So what do you say? she said.

Even knew that he had a tendency to avoid conflict. It wasn’t something he was proud of, but it was something he was familiar with. He also knew, that he had spent almost none of the last years single. It would have been so easy to go back to Sonja, now that he knew for certain that nothing would happen with Isak. Still. He knew it wouldn’t be right.

Sonja and he were over, and they probably had been for a while.

Even had to do the right thing now, and he had to be honest. He put his box of snuff away and looked Sonja in the eyes. – I’m afraid you won’t like to hear this, he said.

Sonja nodded to him to make him continue.

– This thing between us isn't working. I have thought and thought but I just don't feel the same anymore. And I’m tired of fighting for us.

He could see the protest grow on her face.

– Even… We should try to make an effort before we just... give up. You know we haven’t even tried anything yet.

Was it his imagination, or was her protest a little weaker than it used to be?

– You don’t even believe in that, Sonja, he said. – We have tried all we can try.

– I _do_ believe that, Even! You and I belong together. We need each other.

Even stared at her. She looked so certain. It would be so easy to give in, like he had done so many times before. Sonja thought she knew what was best for him, and she was often right. But not this time.

– I don't need you like that anymore, Sonja, he said, and realized that it was true in the moment that he said it. – And I don't think you need me anymore, either.

He didn’t need her to love him, to ground him or take care of him. And she didn’t need him to take care of. Fuck, it was about time she took care of herself some more.

Sonja’s eyes were suddenly full of tears. – But I don’t… I don’t know anything else…

Oh God, he knew just what she meant. He and Sonja had such a long history together, and it was almost impossible to envision a life without her by his side. He swallowed, but he still couldn’t hold back his own tears. He took Sonja’s hand. – But that’s not… it’s not a good enough reason...

– I know, she said, sobbing. – I tried to tell myself that I didn’t know that, but…

Even let her think for a second. Then she let out a shaking breath. – I guess we both deserve more than… to feel safe.

– Yeah, we do.

They kept each other's gaze for a moment.

– So, that’s it then? Sonja asked after a while.

– Yeah. That’s it.

Sonja left not so long after that. They kept talking for a little while, and they said that they would keep being friends, but that was it. It was over.

Even was surprised that it could end so easily and friendly. Actually, breaking up with Sonja felt like a form of liberation. He felt good. Relieved.

He was alone, but it wasn’t really a bad feeling, not right now.

He already missed Isak, though, and he grieved for everything that would never be.

As he found himself a cup of tea, he recalled the sincere look in Isak’s eyes as he said that they couldn’t happen. _Fuck_ , was it his imagination, or had he seemed a little sad, too?

Even sighed, as he felt his heart clench. He had to stop fooling himself, though. If he ever saw Isak again, they would probably just meet as strangers. Isak had said what he wanted and Even would have to live with that. Without Isak, something would always feel like it was missing. Still, Even had to live. So he would just have to do his best to do that, then.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was it for now. I hope you liked it. Please leave me a comment if you like it or not! :) By the way, you can find me on Tumblr as [@crazyheartfics](https://www.tumblr.com/blog/crazyheartfics) and on Insta as [@crazyheartfics](https://www.instagram.com/crazyheartfics), too.


	4. Human Touch

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Isak and Even try to stay apart from each other. It doesn't work that well. Isak and Eskild have a talk. Isak can't stay in the basement anymore, so there are some changes. Even gets some new friends. There is some drunk Isak texting. And the drunk texting leads to something slightly smutty.... woops.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, I know, it's been a while. But now it's here! Thank you so much for Your support! And please let me know what you think. If you want you can contact me anonymously on Tumblr and tell me, too. :) 
> 
> Shit, time flies. I will be back to edit these notes, because time ran away from me. 
> 
> One Norwegian thing I should explain: Lånekassen is the Norwegian State Educational Loan Fund, a government agency that allocates loans and grants to Norwegian and certain foreign students for their education. Also, Lånekassen allocates financial support to Norwegian students abroad. In 2016, the average loan after graduation (higher education) in Norway was approximately NOK 280.000. These loans are without interest until the students have finished their educations.

##  ****

##  **Isak: I’ll fix It**

Isak was going home. He trudged along the pavement at a sedate pace, he was in no hurry to get back to his mattress in the cold basement. His eyes focused on his feet taking the steps across the asfalt. His canvas sneakers looked worn out, just like he was.

After he had said goodbye to Even, Isak had felt kind of numb. He knew that he probably never would see Even again, but he couldn't quite believe it. ‘Never’ was such an abstract concept, really. It was somehow too painful to imagine, too. He and Even had connected in a way he never had connected with anyone else, and he wanted that so badly.

If he allowed himself to, he could still feel the sensation of Even’s soft lips against his, or feel his silky skin under his hands. His face burned from the memory as he fought it. He couldn’t allow himself to feel anything anymore.

Right now he wanted to kick himself, though. Why had he been so determined to follow the Cuddle Snuggle App rules?

Isak let out a frustrated sigh as he walked in the dark silence. He knew it was the right thing to do, though. And not just because he was a cuddler. He wasn’t ready for anything like this. He couldn’t even admit to himself that he was gay, so how could he think that he could start something with a guy like Even? And Even had a girlfriend, for fuck’s sake!

However, Even had kissed him back. Why had Even kissed him, when he had a girlfriend? He said he wasn’t the type of person who kissed around. But how could Isak know? And why did he even care? It didn’t matter now anyway.

As he walked down to the basement a text popped up on his phone, and he had to stop in the stairs, to take a better look at it: _Joshua 1:9._ _Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go.”_

Isak snorted. His mom, of course. He put his phone away, feeling strangely anxious and comforted at the same time. His mother had this eerie tendency to send quotes that almost fitted his situation, although the intensity of her quotes always made him feel uneasy.

He entered the basement and was relieved that no-one was there. It was always such a hassle to hide from other people living in the building. He went into the small bathroom next to the laundry machines so he could have a drink of water and went to the small room next to it where he hid his mattress and other things. As he put out his mattress, his mind kept pondering about the text from his mom.

She was a mystery to him. He always wanted to understand what she wanted to tell him. He never seemed to get it.

He threw off his jacket and sat down on his mattress with a sigh. Maybe there was nothing to get about his mother. He knew she was sick. She had had her first breakdown when he was at Grefsen. She had been stressed out at work and suddenly something happened that made it look like she collapsed. After that she had this period where she was lost in her Bible and only spoke in Bible quotes. But things went back to a normal after a while. Well, it was some sort of a normal. There was this tense atmosphere in the house, and his dad was out all the time. Then his dad left them before Christmas, and she broke down for real.

 _Fuck_ , it was scary. Sometimes it was like she couldn’t see him or hear him.  

Isak didn’t know what she struggled with, though. His mom never accepted any help. Isak had googled her symptoms countless times, so he had an idea. Her obsessive ideas and thoughts made him wonder about OCD. Her delusions made him think she had some sort of psychosis. He couldn’t know, though. If his mom had let any doctors come close they could maybe figure it out and give her the right help. He had begged, many times. In the end the only thing he could do was to give up and get out.

Isak felt hungry, but the crispbread and the tube of bacon cheese he had in a box by the wall, wasn’t really tempting right now. Fuck, his life was a mess. Everything was a mess.

It was weird how he almost had forgotten about all this, with all the new stuff happening with Even. It was as if he and Even had been in some sort of bubble, where all the bad stuff was kept at bay. Now it was back, in full force. Isak felt guilty. Ashamed. He knew that he probably should have stayed at home with his mom. Helped her. Fuck, he was such an asshole for leaving. Just as he was an asshole with Eva, and Jonas. How could he just hurt them like he did?

Well, maybe he just was an asshole. The worst part was that he felt ashamed of his mom, too (why couldn’t she be like other moms?). He wanted to be like everybody else, like Jonas and the others. He wanted to have regular parents who made dinner and nagged him to do his homework. He wanted to live in a decent place. He wanted to be straight, and he wanted to get a girlfriend.

Well… wanted? That was maybe pushing it too far.

He knew it would be simpler.

Another part of him wanted to let go. To tell everyone. To show everyone who he was. He had tried to tell Eva last Christmas, actually, but she didn’t get it at all. And it was a small miracle that Eskild didn’t put two and two together when he found Isak at that gay bar that night… Isak had almost been ready to just… tell someone. But nobody got it. And after the whole shit show with Eva, Jonas and the Yakuza fight and everything, Isak had decided to keep everything to himself. Forget it. And fake being a straight, regular guy with normal parents until he almost believed it himself.

Meeting Even had shocked him, though. Even seemed so cool with everything, and so open. He even told Isak about his bipolar disorder. A part of Isak had hoped that he could borrow some of Even’s strength. That Even could help Isak to show everyone who he really was.

Well, that didn’t happen. And it didn’t matter, anyway. It was over now.

That night, Isak lay awake for a long time. He wasn’t really surprised. This was the way he reacted to most stressful things; he hardly slept at all. His thoughts kept churning in his head and his body was tense and rigid and seemed unable to relax. He passed out for an hour or so before he heard noises of someone putting on laundry in the next room. Isak groaned in misery. He was still dead tired, but he knew he couldn’t sleep now, so he got up.

The next morning, he stayed in the basement, and when he finally got out for a while, he avoided people. As he was sleep deprived and miserable, he couldn't stand the thought of being social.

He dodged Jonas’ questions about hanging together that weekend. Instead he tried to forget his frustrations in his studies. The reception was bad in the basement, and the Internet connection was wobbly, so he couldn’t spend much time online. When he wasn’t reading, he was playing games on his phone. Keeping it quiet with his headphones, so nobody caught him. Or he stared at the ceiling, trying not to think about Even.

It didn’t help that he discovered exactly when he had put the Romeo + Juliet movie on the other day. _At 21.21._ Just when Even watched it. _Fuck_.

Just a coincidence, of course, but still.

Isak kept getting this feeling that Even meant something special. He just couldn’t forget swimming with Even, or how they had been laughing and fooling around. He couldn’t forget the feeling of _home_ when they ate together… or the massage… or… or the kiss. A rush of warmth went through him as he recalled it. All the memories swirled around in his mind like in a loop and he couldn’t forget them. Everything had just felt so _right_ with Even, although he knew it couldn’t happen.

It just wasn’t fair, really.

During the following days he tried not to let himself be overwhelmed by it. He tried to focus on something else. Everyone else seemed to be thinking and talking about the Yakuza fight and the testifying business, and at least that was a distraction.

When Isak met Jonas in the cafeteria at school on Monday, Jonas pulled him to the side.

– Eva is nervous about that subpoena thing, Jonas said. – She’s asking us to say nothing about William in the fight. So. I just told her that I won’t say anything.

– Okay, Isak said, as he chewed on his sandwich. He guessed he could do that. He would never stick out his neck for this William, but he didn’t need to make things worse for him, either. Isak knew how it was to be a hothead.

Jonas studied him. – So. Do you know anything more about the subpoena and when you’re going to testify?

Isak shook his head, knowing that he couldn’t tell Jonas that he hadn't seen the letter at all, since he didn't live at home anymore. – Nah, things have been a little… chaotic lately. I’ll figure it out, though.

Jonas nodded. He looked contemplative. – Cool. Everything alright bro? I’ve hardly seen you lately.

Isak had to smile a little; Jonas’ attention was such an old, familiar thing. – Sure, Jonas. I’ll be fine. It’s been stress at home, and I have been working a lot lately. But it’s okay.

It was just a part of the truth, but the idea of telling Jonas about Even felt like too much. He just couldn't do that yet.

– Okay, Jonas just said. – That’s good, then. Just… I’m here if you wanna talk, okay?

– Okay.

That evening, it became clear that Isak had no time to feel sorry for himself because of Even. Everyone else around him was buzzing and talking about the testifying thing. Eva added him to a group chat with her friends including Jonas and P-Chris. Isak quickly got that it had something to do with the Yakuza fight.

_Eva: Hi everyone in this chat. As you all know we’ve been called in for questioning and we have to agree on what to say and not. We’re talking about William’s future here. He could be sentenced to 6 months in jail._

_Jonas: Yo_

_Vilde: When have you all been summoned to meet?_

_Noora: William has to meet Friday at 15._

_Jonas: Monday_

_Chris: Monday_

_Sana:Thursday_

_Vilde: I have to meet on Thursday_

_Eva: Thursday_

_Isak?_

_Isak: Yo._

_No idea. I’ll check_

_Eva: Good, so we know that much_

_Vilde: Okay. Let’s agree on what to say. My suggestion Yakuza punched William first._

_Sana: No!_

_Jonas: Fuck that. Don’t say anything_

_Sana: We didn’t see anything_

_Vilde: What if they ask where we were?_

Isak muted the chat and put his phone away. He just couldn’t handle all the questions and the anxiety anymore. He knew he needed to figure out when he was supposed to testify. Just not right now.

He tried to forget it all as he killed time playing games on his phone.

He didn't stay in that careless bubble for long. Although he had tried his best to hide from the world lately, it seemed like _someone had_ found him. Later that evening Eskild turned up in the basement, with a sad and worried look on his face.

– I’m sorry, Isakyaki, but Noora discovered your things here. Actually, Linn noticed your stuff here this weekend, and today Noora showed up with all your things.

_Oh fuck._

Eskild looked uneasy. – I’m afraid we’ll have to find another solution for you.

 _Of course_. Isak sighed. That was just his luck.

– I’ll fix it, he said, although he had no clue how he would do it. It wouldn’t be the first time he had improvised something, though.

Eskild told Isak that he could stay in his room if he liked to, but Isak didn’t want Noora or anyone else to know about his mom. He decided to talk to Jonas instead. He knew that Jonas would always be there for him. The remnants of his old crush and the guilt had kept Isak from opening up and asking him for help, but now he had no other choice. Moving back in with his mom, or asking his dad for help, was not an option.

Eskild looked at him for a long time. – Are you sure? You know you’re always welcome here, if it gets too difficult, he said, looking worried and almost guilty.

Isak tried to give him a smile. – Don’t worry, Eskild. I’ll ask Jonas. If you think I look down right now, it’s just because of stupid things. It’s this lawsuit thing. It’s stress. And just… a stupid crush and some heartbreak, you know?

Eskild smiled a little, too. – Heartbreak can be brutal.

Isak nodded. – Yeah.

The room was silent for a moment. When Isak looked up, he saw that Eskild bit his lip. – You don’t have to answer this if you don’t want to, but… I know who it is, don’t I?

Isak stared at him, and breathed out. He saw Eskild’s careful look, and suddenly he realized that Eskild _knew_. He had probably known since Isak moved in. Eskild did find him in a gay bar, after all. Isak was grateful that Eskild still respected him enough not to push him to come out with it. Maybe that was the reason he suddenly felt like he had to tell it all.

Isak took a deep breath. – Uhm, yeah, he said. – It’s… Even. I think I kinda fell for him.

Eskild smiled. – That’s really amazing, Isak.

Isak shrugged. – I guess. But… I can’t because it’s my job, you know. Rules. And, well, Even has a girlfriend.

– Ah, Eskild nodded. – That’s tricky.

– Yeah, Isak agreed. He could see that Eskild was trying to find something supportive to say. But there wasn’t much to say, really. Isak would most likely never see Even again. – Well, I’ll get over it, he said. – Anyway, I just wanted to tell you.

– I’m so glad you did, Eskild said, and smiled. He looked really proud.

Isak hesitated for a moment. – I‘m not sure that I’m gay, though, he said.

– Well, that’s fine, Isak, Even smiled. – You are who you are, and it’s fine.

– Yeah… I like boys, but I don’t feel like a lot of other gays I see, you know?

Eskild stared at him. Then he nodded. – I think I get it, Isak. I know it can be difficult to identify with people who act differently from how you think boys should be. I just wanna give you some advice I wish someone gave me when I was younger. Now, I don’t know if you’re attracted to just boys, or everyone or whatever. But if you’re attracted to boys, it could be smart to ask yourself _why_ you dislike calling yourself gay.

Isak stared at him. – What do you mean?

– Why are you uncomfortable with it? Could it be something you fear? We are told that boys should be like this and girls should be like that. To break out of that can be terrifying.

Isak felt a little uneasy. – It’s not… I’m for equality and shit. And I have nothing against gays.

– Sure, I know, Eskild said, cocking his head. – Just think about it, is all I’m saying.

Isak hesitated for a moment. Then he nodded. He knew that Eskild probably had a point. He was kind of scared of admitting that he was gay, and probably for more than one reason. The whole thing made him feel like an idiot. Why did he feel that being gay was okay for _others_ , but that _he_ couldn’t be gay? He had no problems seeing that it was a pretty irrational idea.

– I will, he said, feeling a little stupid.

Eskild nodded. – Good. I’m really glad you told me this, Isak. Now, I hope you’ll be fine!

Isak chuckled, relieved that they had moved over to a different topic. – I’ll be great Eskild. I’ll find somewhere to stay, and I’ll figure out the other stuff, too. Don’t worry.

Eskild stood before him, hesitating for a moment. – Okay. Just let me know if you need something, yeah?

Isak nodded, he felt a tightness in his throat and it was difficult to answer.

– You can always come and talk to me if you want to, you know. I can be your… gay guru.

Isak scoffed.

Eskild gave him a sincere look. – I mean it, Isak. You don’t have to keep everything to yourself, you know.

– Okay, Isak said and surprised himself when he stepped over and gave Eskild a quick hug. – Thanks for… everything. For letting me stay, and stuff. You’re not so bad, you know?

Eskild grinned then. – Yeah I know.

Isak picked up the phone in the moment Eskild left the room. He didn’t want to call Jonas at all, but he knew he couldn’t postpone it anymore. He really needed a place to stay.

– Yo, Issy, Jonas said, and his voice was so familiar and warm and it almost made Isak want to cry.

– Yo, bro, he muttered. – Can I ask you something? Uhm, or maybe ask your parents?

– Sure! What is it?

Isak had to fight with himself to get the words out. – I might need a place to crash for a few days.

It was silent for just a beat. – Is it your mom?

– Yeah, Isak sighed. – Sort of. I just… I can’t live there anymore.

– Okay. No worries, bro. You can stay here. The guest room is empty, anyway. And you know mom loves to discuss all kinds of stuff with you, and dad loves to feed you with all his spicy food.

Isak had to laugh. – Yeah I know.

– Cool. Are you coming over later, then? Do you need help to bring your stuff?

Isak looked around at his things in the basement. It was depressing to realize how little stuff he had. – No, there’s not that much. I’ll text you when I’m on my way.

– Cool. See you later, bro.

– Later.

Isak put his phone down. His hands shook. Fuck, Jonas was a great guy. It wasn’t so strange that Isak had fallen for him once. Isak was grateful that his crush had faded away, though (some tall guy with shining eyes and fluffy hair made sure it did). Staying in his house could have been tricky if not.

It wasn’t easy now, either. The regrets would probably eat at him the whole time. Well, he didn’t have a choice.

He started to pack his things. It didn’t take long, and he only needed his backpack and a couple of plastic bags. As he was about to leave, he tried to leave Eskild his key, but Eskild refused to take it back.

– You might need it. Just keep it for a little while. You can deliver it when you have found something permanent.

So Isak put the key in his pocket, gave Eskild another hug and left.

When Jonas met him at the door and let him in with his backpack and plastic bags, with no questions, Isak could have cried in relief. He kept it inside, though, and used just a little extra time to put his things in place in the guest room.

The times he had stayed over before, he had always stayed in Jonas’s room, but now he got this. It had a cozy vibe. There was a bed, with soft pillows and a huge duvet and a blanket. There was a large art poster on the wall. There was a desk and chair and even a bookshelf with some books and trinkets. The room felt like a home, more than Isak had felt about any place in a long time. Since he had stayed over at Even’s actually. Isak knew that he would never forget that warm feeling of _home_.

That night, Isak and Jonas played Fifa for a little while. It felt alright. Fuck, it felt better than he deserved. He had been so shitty to Jonas and Eva. He wondered if he would ever forgive himself for that.

They played in silence for a moment, before Jonas spoke. – I realize that you’ve had kind of a shitty spring. You know you can talk to me when you feel like it, yeah?

Isak had to swallow to keep his feelings down. – Yeah, I know, Jonas. Thanks.

His spring had been pretty shitty. He didn’t feel like talking about it, though. Actually, when he thought about it, things weren’t that bad right now, after all. His life was a mess and the thought of never seeing Even scared the shit out of him, but he had a lot of things that worked, too. He had his friends. School. And his job. He had a place to stay for now. It was better than it had been in a long time.

– Actually, uhm, don’t say anything to Eva, because I bet she’ll tell Vilde, but I think that my job has kinda helped me keep my shit together this spring.

Jonas smiled. He looked almost proud. – Yeah? The cuddle app thing?

– Yeah. I feel kind of stronger than I would have been without the job. I earn my own money, and I meet a lot of people, and… Yeah. It’s not that bad.

Jonas grinned. – That’s so cool. And you get to hug people. Well, I didn’t know that you were a fan of hugs, but, it’s not bad, right?

Isak laughed. – It’s not bad.

He looked over at Jonas, realizing with a pang of guilt that he hadn’t heard much from him either lately. – So… how are you doing?

Jonas shrugged, smiling. – I’m stressing a little about that fight thing, I guess. But apart from that, it’s alright. Isabell is cool, you know.

– Cool, Isak said, wondering how serious Jonas was with Isabell. Sometimes he still doubted that Jonas was over Eva. _Bam_. Another pang of guilt.

– Yeah, cool.

And that was it. Jonas and Isak and their friendship had never been about long, good talks. They were good at chilling together, though.

That night, Isak went to bed, kind of overwhelmed by the feeling of living in a home again. He still slept badly. When the stress of the day faded away, and he lay there in the darkness, he had far too much time to think about his life, which was getting better, but still was a mess. It was typical how everything that looked alright in the daylight, seemed a lot worse in the dark and in the silence. His thoughts were a mix of worries for his mom, frustrations about his dad, worries to find a permanent place to stay, guilt about Jonas and Eva, and thoughts about Even, and everything that could have been.

Fuck, who knew what could have been.

Gay. Was he really gay? Eskild’s words tumbled around in Isak’s head. Isak didn’t feel like those gay guys dressing up in feminine outfits, wearing mascara. But why? Why did these things feel so uncomfortable? Was it because of his mom and her ideas? He knew his mom thought it was a sin, but… he didn’t. He didn’t believe in any god. Was it because of his dad? Well, his dad was a distant guy, and sometimes had told Isak to man up, but… Isak knew that that was just something his dad said. Right? So, what, then? Was it the way his friends talked about what was gay and not?

Isak sighed, feeling frustrated. Maybe Eskild had a point, maybe he feared being gay for a reason. Maybe it was because of a mix of a lot of things. His upbringing. Comments from friends. Things he had heard. And his biggest fear was that his friends would fear and loathe him.

That night, he didn’t get any clear answers, but he felt like he had started something. Asked the right questions, maybe.

The lack of sleep was a pain, though.

Although he kept losing sleep the following days, there were many good things about staying with Jonas. He wasn’t as alone anymore, and he even got some help. The following days, Jonas and his parents supported Isak in many ways. They took him home to his mom’s place, so that he could pick up some of his things, and made sure that his mom was okay.  Jonas’s father cut both Jonas’ hair and Isak’s. It was almost as if they were brothers. It felt weird. Jonas’ parents also made sure Isak contacted his dad. His dad was pissed that he had left, of course, but Isak just breathed out: – You left too, you know. So don’t try to pretend like you care.

At least his father had the sense to say sorry.  

Isak managed to hold his rage back and explained his reasons for leaving. In the end, his dad agreed to take care of his mom as much as he could, to get her to a doctor, and to help to pay for Isak’s rent if he found a place to stay. He admitted it was the least he could do. At least he was right about one thing.

Things were getting better. Isak survived testifying about the Yakuza fight, too. The judges didn’t seem too interested in what he had to tell, anyway.

After that, Isak focused on school and hanging with Jonas.

At the beginning of June there was a roof party over William’s flat. Everybody was there. Isak got to pretend to meet Eskild for the first time. Everything was pretty great. The sun was out and Isak had Jonas (and Eva, and Isabell; what an interesting triangle) by his side. He had a beer in his hand, and life wasn’t that bad. He even danced a little.

Later he chatted a little with Eskild. It felt kinda weird that Eskild knew about his crush and everything, but it felt good, too, almost like a relief. Eskild felt almost like a big brother when he ruffled Isak’s hair. – Fuck, this new haircut is short. But I like it, it suits you.

Isak ducked away, although he didn’t really mind the physical contact. Ducking away was just what he was supposed to do.

Eskild didn’t seem to react to that. He chatted animatedly and promised to keep Isak updated on Kollektivet and the others. Linn was still mostly keeping to herself, he said. There was apparently still some confusion about whether William was going to London or not. But William and Noora had kissed and made up. _Yay_.

Isak tried to tell himself that it was good that this love business worked for some. He tried to tell himself that he would forget all about his stupid crush on Even, but he just couldn’t forget him. He kept seeing Even’s big blue eyes before him, and feeling his soft lips against his own.

He tried to forget it as he got a little too drunk, and Jonas had to take him home from the party, way too early.

At least Isak now had a proper bed to sleep out his hangover in.

Isak decided to forget about Even, although it wasn’t easy.

He didn't hear from Even directly, but he did hear of him. Vilde phoned Isak the following Monday and told him that Even had come for cuddles the day before. She said they talked a lot. Even apparently asked about Isak, too. He had also told her that he had continued with his project, checking out other apps.

It was pretty obvious that Vilde was charmed by him. And apparently not just her. – Eva dropped by during our session, Vilde said, sounding a little giggly. – She invited him for a movie night with all the girls. He’s almost part of our gang now. Is that okay? I don’t know why you recommended that he went to me instead of you. He seems so nice!

– He is nice, Isak sighed then, and suddenly panicked a little when he realized that he didn’t have any good explanation for transferring him. – And of course that is okay. We just… didn’t match, I suppose.

– What a pity. He seems like such a kind guy. And cool. And he seems to need friends.

That was so true. Isak wished that he could have stayed Even’s friend, but he doubted that he would have known how to, and he seriously doubted that he would have managed to keep it like that. He had crushed hard on his straight best friend one time before, and he knew how hard it was to come back from something like that.

He couldn’t imagine ever coming back from the crush on Even.

Isak regretted the loss of the intimate moments more than he dared to admit to himself but at least Even was as good as his word. Isak got several referrals from him. That surprised him, considering he'd kind of rejected Even in the first place. But Even had been kind and respectful from the first cuddle order, so Isak was glad to know at least some of his instincts were good. Even was nothing like Elias, or Emma, for that matter.

It just made him sad that Even and he couldn’t continue to cuddle. Or be friends. Or something more.

He tried his best to get his mind onto something else. He kept busy with school and tests, and things were going okay. He had some troubles sleeping at night, but apart from that, everything was fine. Then one night, about a week after the roof party, Eskild phoned.

– Hey, baby Isak, how is it hanging?

– Good, Isak smiled.

– I wondered if you could help us out. Noora is moving out for a while. It’s on short notice, but she’s apparently moving to London with William. It seems like she’s skipping the last days at school to make it happen, actually.

Eskild didn’t sound too pleased.

– Okay? When is she moving?

– The week before school ends. So. Linn and I are just wondering. Do you still need a place to stay for a while? Would you like to move into Noora’s room?

The emotions caught Isak off guard, and his feet trembled so he had to sit down. – I could do that? he asked.

– Yeah, Isak. That’s why I’m asking.

Isak breathed out a slow breath. He could have his own place. He didn’t know how to pay for it, but… there were funds he could get from Lånekassen and… his dad could pay the rent. Fuck, this was amazing.

– I would really like that, Eskild, he said.

– That’s really cool, Isak, Eskild said, with a smile in his voice. – So, when can you move in?

Isak shrugged and muttered something inaudible, while Eskild showered him with enthusiastic comments and plans for his room and the flat. – Great, he finished. – We’re having a moving out party tomorrow night. Noora is packing her things to stay with William these last days, so you can probably move in next week. But then you’d better come to the party!

Isak couldn’t say no. He was too happy, right now. Besides, he needed to get his mind on something else than Even, anyway.

The party turned out to be a fun thing. Eskild, Linn and Noora were there, and so were Eva’s and Noora’s friends. Isak had invited Magnus, who he shared class with, since Jonas had bailed. Isak suspected that Jonas was avoiding the party because Eva had invited Christoffer Schistad.

Magnus turned out to be a funny guy. And Isak… Isak didn’t think about Even at all. Well, not before Eva brought him up.

– Even is such a great guy, she said, as being tipsy made her voice wobble a little. – And he’s kinda hot. But we’re just friends, you know. Hanging out.

– Even really hangs with you guys now? Isak asked. He still couldn’t quite believe it.

Eva grinned. – Yeah, with us girls, you know. Well, only once so far, but we’re planning another movie night. He’s such a good listener. And he has so many good ideas about what to do. It’s a pity he couldn’t come tonight. He had to help his aunt or something.

Although Isak had to struggle to keep calm, he hoped that it was true, and that Even hadn’t stayed home because of him. Even making new friends was a good thing.

The thought of Even with his friends still made Isak’s stomach churn.

Isak left the party early, and didn’t even raise his eyebrow when he came home and found out that Jonas had gone over to see Isabell. Right in that moment, he needed a minute to think for himself. Even was becoming friends with the girls. Eva would maybe tell him what an asshole Isak had been. Isak doubted it, since it didn’t seem like Eva had told anyone else before, but still… The thought made him uneasy.

He sort of missed, Eva, too. When she spoke to him at the party, it was the first time they had spoken since everything happened. Sometimes, he still wished he could go back to how things were back then.

Of course, he couldn’t, and he couldn’t keep Even from Eva. He knew he just had to accept it and try not to worry too much.

Not long after the party, the room in Kollektivet was free for Isak to move into. Noora wouldn’t move to London quite yet, but she had moved most of her things over to William’s place.

The first time Isak entered his own room, he almost cried. Noora had left the bed and the bookshelf, and there was a bright yellow night stand and even a TV that Eskild must have found or something. It wasn’t much, but it was _his_. Finally everything felt like it was better. Like a new start.

Of course, Isak still missed what could have been with Even. He doubted that he ever would stop missing that. He recalled the sincere look in Even’s eyes as he asked if he could contact him again. _Fuck_ , Isak could still feel it. Isak sighed, as he felt his heart clench. He had to stop fooling himself, though. It would never happen. Isak knew that he would miss Even for a long time. However, he wasn’t just a fuckup anymore. Things were looking better. He intended to keep it like that.

Noora left to go to London for real, the end of school came closer and closer, and then Isak’s birthday arrived. It was still just a regular Tuesday, though, and they had still two days left before school was over for summer, so he didn’t plan to celebrate it before Friday evening.

He and Jonas had talked about the party as a way to celebrate that it finally was summer, although Isak didn’t feel much like celebrating that. He had a long, boring holiday in Oslo in front of him. While others would be travelling with their families. He didn’t quite know how to survive this summer, really.

But first, he had to survive his birthday.

He hadn't told Eskild or Linn that he was turning 17, and he knew Jonas and the others would wait for his party to celebrate. That was fine. Just fine. He didn’t need reminders of how other kids his age would have suffered through hours with coffee and cake and uncles and aunts chatting. He didn’t need to think about how the suffering really was a privilege that kids with somewhat healthy families had.

So, Isak was fine. He was going to chill and maybe watch a good movie. He still decided to celebrate with a caffe latte and maybe a cookie on his way home.

He decided to go to Kaffebrenneriet, and didn't remember why that could be a weird choice before he entered the shop. Then he saw the familiar, lanky figure behind the counter. _Even_ . The surprise went straight to his stomach. Even’s dark blond hair looked fluffy and soft as always. He laughed at something one of the customers said, and the sound gave Isak a shiver. _Fuck_.

Even looked up, and stared at him. Isak watched a myriad of emotions be reflected in his eyes. Then he smiled a wide smile. – Isak!? Hei!

Isak grinned, or at least he tried to. – Halla.

It was a little awkward. Isak had a feeling the other customers stared at him. Even stared, at least. Then Isak noticed one of the customers in front of the counter. Sonja. _Shit. Fuck._ He knew he would have to get out of there as quickly and painlessly as possible.

He smiled and nodded to Sonja, who smiled back. She sent Even a quick look. – Was good seeing you, Even. Seems like this is the day to meet old… friends.

– Yeah, see you, Even laughed and looked embarrassed, as she left with her coffee, waving her goodbye.

No hugs or kisses. That was weird. Isak looked after her, confused. He didn't understand shit. What was the business with ”old... friends”?

Even cleared his throat as Isak approached the counter. – So, how can I help you, Isak? Do you wanna taste one of my famous coffees, maybe?

Isak smiled a little. He didn’t know much right now, he only knew that he would be able to talk a little with Even, on his own. Maybe this birthday wasn’t going to be that bad, after all.

##  **Even: I don’t really have any friends right now**

– So what do you think?

Even looked up from his cup of tea. Vilde watched him with curiosity and silent excitement. She was cute. Blonde. Seemed to hide something behind the slightly naive first impression she gave. – Cuddles are great, right? she continued. – It’s such a nice way to spread love, you know?

– Yeah, it’s really nice, Even nodded. Vilde had given him a nice hug and cuddle on the sofa earlier. It had been nice, alright, but it wasn’t _Isak_. Even had missed the feeling of his long limbs and the muscles and the warmth and the smell of him. In fact, the absence of him had almost become overwhelming.

In the end, Even had become restless, so he had asked if they could have a cup of tea in the kitchen area instead. Tea always calmed him down.

Vilde didn’t seem to mind.

Even savoured the taste of the tea in his mouth. These last days since the swimming session (and the kiss!) with Isak had seemed grey. Dull. Lonely. _Fuck_ , he had lost so much lately, that it took his breath away to think about it. He hadn’t just lost his friends, or his old school or his girlfriend, but Isak, too.

It was almost too much.

However, he had decided that he wouldn’t let it drag him under. He had just crawled out of an episode, and he couldn't afford it. So, he had focused on work and on his project with the apps, and he had tried to forget everything about Isak.

It wasn’t really working that well. He missed Isak all the time. Sometimes he wondered what would have happened if he hadn’t met Isak through the cuddle app. Maybe everything could have been different if they met somewhere else? At a party, or at school? Maybe they could have become friends instead? Or maybe even more? He would have loved that.

However, this was just how it had to be. Maybe he couldn’t deny or forget that he felt attracted to Isak, but he had to acknowledge that the whole thing was over before it started.

Vilde cleared her throat, as if she was trying to wake him up from his thoughts. She probably was. She took a long sip from her own cup. – It’s nice here. I prefer to have my cuddle sessions at home, but my mom always has other plans, so sometimes Eva lets me borrow her house.

– That’s nice of her, Even smiled, as he silently wondered why her mom always had other plans.

– Yeah, Vilde continued, when he didn’t say anything. – Her mom travels a lot, and Eva spends a lot of time doing other stuff, so she says it’s really no big deal. Still, it’s nice of her.  

Even didn’t know what to say to that. He looked at his hands around the tea mug and thought about Isak, who wanted to meet him in a public place the first time they cuddled. Sometimes Even could still feel the warmth in the hug they had back then.

He noticed that Vilde was watching him, so he looked up. He knew he should say something. – So, do you mostly have cuddles at home and here, then? he asked.

– Well, I often meet the customers in a cafe or something on our first sessions, but I thought it was okay for you to come here. Since Isak knows you.

Even could tell that she was curious, but she didn’t ask why he was with her, and not cuddling with Isak. How polite of her. Even felt too curious to be polite.

– Do you know Isak well? he asked.

Vilde shook her head. – Nah. Isak is a friend of Eva’s. Eva, her ex Jonas and Isak were like a trio when we started at Nissen. All of them came from Grefsen. Eva hangs more with us girls now, though. And with a guy called Chris.

Vilde didn’t look like she liked this Chris very much.

Even wished that Vilde knew Isak better. He wanted to know more. To be honest, he wanted to know everything.

Vilde looked closely at him. – So, do you want to set up more cuddle sessions?

– No, I don’t think so, Even said. He shrugged. – I love the cuddles, but I think I want the real deal. You know, real friends. Real touches. I just need to make some effort to get that.

He laughed a humourless laugh as he thought about his lack of friends at the moment.

Vilde stared at him with wide eyes. – Oh, okay. Why is that?

Even shook his head, and surprised himself when he didn’t mind telling her. – I don’t really have any friends right now. Something… happened. I kind of lost my old friends. And then I broke up with my girlfriend, too. So I guess… I need new ones?

Vilde looked a little bewildered. – But don’t you want your old friends back?

Even had to smile, although it was a sad smile. – Yeah, I really do. But sometimes it’s difficult, you know.

Vilde nodded. – I know. I thought I had a lot of new friends when I started at Nissen, but they pushed me away. Chris is my only friend who stayed with me.

– Chris, Eva’s boyfriend?

Vilde laughs. – No, Christina. Christina is my friend. Chris… Christoffer is the guy Eva hooks up with.

– Ah, okay, Even laughed. He took his last sip from the tea, and was about to excuse himself, when he heard someone barge into the house. – Hello! a voice yelled, and a cute girl with auburn hair came into the kitchen.

– Eva! Vilde said. – Why are you home so early?

The girl shrugged and gave Even an approving look before she took his hand. – Hi, I’m Eva, she said in a singing Bergen dialect. – I’m sorry I’m interrupting, but I just want to get everything ready for tonight. We’re having a movie night.

– No problem, Even said, and smiled.

Eva smiled back. – Wow, what a smile, she said. – So, are you two done cuddling?

– Eva… Vilde sighed. – You’re not supposed to interrogate my guests.

Even just laughed. – We’re done, he said. – Now we’re just having tea and talking about my lack of friends.

He had meant it as a joke, but it sounded quite pathetic out loud.

Eva sat down at the table. She suddenly looked full of compassion. – You’re kidding. You don’t have friends? How come?

Even shrugged. – I have sort of... lost them, he admitted. He wondered how he could say something without saying too much. – Something happened and… I did something stupid and… well, we lost touch.

Eva swallowed audibly. – I’m so sorry, she said, and looked almost a little guilty for a moment. – I know just how it is. I’m so glad I found Vilde and the other girls, though. Hey, you should hang with us tonight! We’re having a movie night!

– We are? Vilde asked.

Eva nodded. – Yeah, we are. Noora, Chris and Sana are coming, too. This is going to be great!

 _Sana?_ Of course! Vilde knew Sana! Even had to smile. He didn’t say anything about the fact that he knew Sana, though. He just leant back and waited. This could be really interesting.  

– Would you like to join us? Vilde asked.

– It sounds like fun, Even smiled. He was too curious to let this chance go away. Eva knew Isak well. Maybe Sana knew him too? They could maybe tell him things. And they were going to have a movie night. Itdidn’t feel wrong at all. – I hope it isn’t weird, though?

Vilde just laughed. – Nah. As long as you’re not my customer anymore, it’s not really weird at all. At least _I_ don’t think so.

Even helped the girls finding popcorn and other snacks. When Sana, Noora and Chris turned up they were discussing what movie to watch.

Sana’s eyes shone in delighted surprise as she saw him, and she smiled.

– This is Even. We met through the cuddle app, Vilde explained. – Even, this is Sana.

Even gave Sana a long hug while the others were busy. – Eva has decided that I can hang with you girls, he explained to her. – I think she wants to rescue me or something.

Sana just smiled. – Sounds great. We’re a bunch of losers. The more, the merrier.

– Hah.

Her eyes seemed to ask him if the other girls knew that she knew him. He just stared at her, and raised his eyebrows, silently begging that she keep it a secret.

She seemed to understand. – So, you had to find a new cuddler? she whispered. – Was the last one smelly, anyway?

Even chuckled a little, but he wasn’t sure if he managed to hide his unease. – Nah, I just guess we didn’t match that well.

Vilde must have heard his answer. – Even used to cuddle Isak, she explained. – But Isak won’t tell me what went wrong, though. And Even won’t either.

Sana’s face didn’t show much, but Even could imagine how the information made her head spin with questions.

– Did he do something stupid? Eva asked from the sofa. – Isak can say and do some stupid things sometimes.

Even laughed. – No. Not at all. He was very professional and a great cuddler. Should we put on the movie?  

He avoided the curious looks from Sana and the other girls as Eva finally found a movie they could watch. Luckily, the girls seemed to forget everything about him and Isak when the movie started. They all relaxed and laughed and talked about what happened on screen, and Even hadn’t had such a good time in a long time.

At the end of that night, he had a brand new set of friends and four new contacts in his phone. It wasn’t bad at all.

He kept hanging with the girls during the following weeks. It started with Chris sending him some silly memes, and then Eva added him to a chat one time they planned another movie night. Suddenly he was a full member of a group of girls, including a girl who had moved to London. Everything happened pretty fast, it was as if the group of girls had agreed to adopt him or something. The whole thing was very nice, but also slightly daunting.

He didn’t join them at parties where he knew that Isak would be, but they visited him at KB a couple of times, and they met up some evenings just hanging around, watching TV or some romantic movies.

Things were okay. He wasn’t exactly looking forward to the slow summer in front of him, but it was okay.

Then, one day right before the schools closed for summer, and Even was having a busy day at KB, it happened. Just when Even was occupied making coffee and avoiding Sonja’s questions about his health, and his routines, or lack of them, Isak turned up.

Even couldn't really believe it when he saw Isak at the door, tall and slender. The golden hair that looked slightly darker when it was short. The green eyes. Lips.

 _Fuck_ , Isak looked good. Even smiled widely, before he could help himself.

Isak stared at him with wide eyes and parted lips. So, it wasn’t a planned visit, then. Isak was just here to get coffee, not to see Even. Obviously.

Even swallowed down his nerves and smiled even wider. He knew how to throw out shiny smiles when he needed to. He didn’t think Isak had learned how to spot the difference yet, between his real smiles and his nervous ones.

– Isak!? Hei!

Isak grinned. – Halla, he said, as he approached the counter.

Then he noticed Sonja. And fuck, of course he did. There was an awkward exchange of smiles and nods. Then Sonja had to hint about the coincidence of both Isak and her being here. _Even’s former girlfriend and his new crush…_ Even tried to laugh it away. Isak didn’t have to know just how much Even liked him (although he probably could guess). Luckily, Sonja left pretty quickly.

Isak didn’t comment on Sonja. He looked kind of confused, though. So Even tried to do his job, and offered Isak some coffee.

Isak smiled, and looked a little embarrassed. – Yeah, I wanted to celebrate with a caffe latte and a cookie or something. It’s my birthday.

Even’s eyes widened and he felt a shiver down his spine. On the 21st. Of course. – Oh, I’ll give you an extra good one, then, he smiled.

He knew he probably was a little bit too hung up on things like these, things that he called signs, for lack of a better word. Like when he googled the origin of Isak’s name, and discovered that the Bible quote about Isaac’s birth, was Genesis 21. Well, it was just who he was; he saw patterns everywhere. So he stored away the information in his mind for later.

Isak blushed. – You don’t have to do that.

– Oh, but I want to, Even said, eagerly. He had no chill at all, really. Isak looked like he was on top of everything, while Even felt like a wreck. – It’s your birthday, after all. To have here or take with you?

– With me, Isak said.

Even made Isak’s coffee while he desperately tried to think of things to say, to make the situation less awkward. He could feel Isak’s eyes follow his movements.

– So… uh… Anything new? Isak asked.

– Well… Even sighed. – Nothing much. Well I did search how to get transferred to another school.

Isak smiled and looked genuinely happy. – Yeah? That’s cool!

Even nodded. – How about you?

– Things are getting better. I’ve moved into a flat with Eskild and a girl called Linn. School is over for the summer in just two days. It’s good.

– Nice. Going somewhere?

– Nah. It’s going to be a pretty boring Oslo summer.

– Same here.

They locked eyes for a moment, and it would have been so easy to say a stupid joke, or maybe even flirt a little. But Even knew he needed to keep some distance. He looked away.

– Oh, I have finished editing the video, he said in the end, feeling a little nervous. – I know we kinda agreed not to meet, but… Would you like to see it before I post it?

Isak scratched his neck. – Sure, yeah, that would be great. You can send me an email with the video  if you like?

– Yeah, Even said, – I could do that. If you… You can just send me the email address in a text message. You… uhm… don’t want me to use the cuddle app to do stuff like that, right?

So, he was using the video as an excuse to try to get Isak’s phone number.  

He was so obvious it wasn’t even funny.

Luckily, Isak didn’t argue about it at all. In fact, he seemed pretty oblivious about it. He just looked a little hot in his head as he picked up his phone. – I’m sure it’s no problem, but uh… I can do that. What’s your number?

Even smiled then, and gave Isak his number. He watched as Isak plotted in his number and sent the text with his email address.

Even picked up his own phone, and sent Isak an answer: _This is Even._

– Now you have my number, too, he said. – Just in case.

In case what? Even felt like an idiot. He still felt like he had won something when he got the number. He knew that it probably wouldn’t result in anything. He would respect Isak’s boundaries, of course. No dating in four months was the rule. However, if he got the opportunity, he would try all he could to charm Isak with silly texts and even sillier memes. Hell, he would even settle for being friends. Well, maybe. He would definitely try. He wanted Isak in his life, one way or another.

– Okay, Isak just said.

Even didn’t know what to say or do. Luckily there weren’t any other customers in line, because he was sure they would have reacted to the strange dialogue.

Even was so preoccupied with all the possibilities that he almost forgot to give Isak his coffee, but in the end he came to his senses and handed it to Isak. He even wrote a  “happy birthday” on the lid of his cup. – Here, you are, Isak. Happy birthday.

Isak blushed and Even felt his stomach do a weird thing.  

– Thank you. So. Guess I need to get going, Isak muttered. – I’ll hear from you about the video, then?

Even smiled a wide smile. – Definitely! I’ll send it to you.

Isak nodded a goodbye. – Okay, bye then, he said, and left with his coffee and the paper bag with his cookie in his hand.

– Bye, Isak.

 _Bye, Isak_ . Even could hardly believe it. He had met Isak, and it had been awkward but still such a light on this grey and miserable day. _Isak, Isak. Isak, Isak_.

Even didn’t know if he wanted to cheer over the fact that he finally saw Isak, or sigh over the fact that Isak left again. Although he knew they weren’t supposed to meet again, the thought of emailing Isak excited him. He smiled a little.

The following days, he tried not to seem too eager to contact Isak. He spent the days working and reading up on apps instead. On the 23rd, just two days later, he couldn’t help himself, though, so he sent Isak a silly picture to congratulate him on his last day of school before summer.

It was one of those grey days, when you only saw glimpses of sunshine, but the temperature was nice. Even was sitting on his window sill, having a smoke, passing time before he should go to work. He let his eyes rest on the green leaves on the trees outside.

 _Thank you_ , Isak answered in a text. _We’re celebrating the start of the summer break tomorrow._

Even wished he could be there, but he knew Isak probably wouldn’t want him to be there, so he said nothing. _So are you celebrating your birthday, too, then?_ ;)

_Yeah, sort of._

Even was disturbed by a question from his mom just then, so he ended up leaving it at that. He knew that Isak wanted to keep him at a distance, anyway, so he didn’t want to be too pushy.

However, late Friday night, or, more like about three o'clock Saturday morning, a text popped up on his phone:

_Hey yu borung party I miss yu._

_Sry Im drunk._

Oh damn. Isak was so going to regret this. But Even couldn’t help smiling. Isak was texting him! Drunk texting was better than no texting at all, right?

_I’m sorry, Isak. Is the party still going?_

_No, evrybodys leavingg. Takn Uber._

_That’s good._

_Even yur so fuckin hot._

Even had to gasp for air, the words affected him a lot more than he wanted to admit to himself. Carefully he texted:   _Thanks I guess. :) You’re not so bad yourself_

That was the understatement of the year, of course. But how could he answer something like that, anyway? Sober Isak would see the texts in the morning, Even couldn’t tell him what he actually thought.

_Im a horribll person, Even Ive done sum stupid shittt_

_Like now?_

_No, like before.. So soooo stupd Even_

_It’s okay, Isak. I have done stupid shit, too. You can tell me about it when you’re sober. And I can tell you what I have done. Okay?_

_Miss or cuddls. Do yu miss or cuddles?_

Even felt hot in his cheeks. He couldn’t help it: _Yeah, I miss our cuddles, Isak._

 _Good. I’m so fukn tired, Even_.

Even smiled, guessing he didn’t mean in existential way. _Well, you should get something to eat and drink some water before you go to bed. A glass of water and painkillers by the bed._  

Some time went before he did get an answer. _Then: Yea, mom. Gonna go to bed now. I’m tired. And sooo fuckin horny._

Even stared at the words. He didn’t know how to respond to that at all. Well, his body responded, alright, but he didn’t know what to say. Then a new text popped up from Isak:

_Fuck, forget I said that! Shit. Forget it plz. Gonna go to bed now._

_No problem, Isak. Sleep well. :)_

Even crawled into bed and clinged to his pillow, trying not to think about drunk horny Isak. Well, trying and failing, because honestly, how could he forget the idea of a drunk and horny Isak? Behind his eyes Even imagined Isak with flushed cheeks, dazed eyes and a wide, delighted smile. He imagined Isak dropping his guard, being relaxed and maybe pliant, clingy and a little too forward. _Oh fuck_.

He couldn’t help letting his hand slide down and into his boxers, palming his dick. With his eyes closed Even could almost imagine his hands were someone else’s. _Isak`s_. And he could see Isak’s green eyes watching him. _Oh hell_. Even wrapped his hand harder around his dick and stroked it again and again, to the images of what he wanted to do to Isak and what he wanted Isak to do to him.

Even came quickly and intensely, feeling like he was falling. Afterwards, as he was breathing heavily (and trying to forget that he had jacked off thinking about a _friend_ ) he felt sated and content and it made him sleepy. He just managed to clean up and snuggle into his duvet before he shut his eyes and sleep came over him like a warm blanket. As his consciousness ebbed, his mind went into free fall, swirling with the beautiful chaos of a new dream.

The next day, Even remembered Isak’s drunk texts with a smile. He almost expected another text, but nothing came. He decided to try not to expect anything.

A few days later, he was so tempted to send another text, that it was almost painful. Or he could finally send Isak the cuddle app video? he wondered. He just felt like he wanted to postpone it. If he sent the video, then had no excuse to keep in contact with Isak anymore. He needed to have that excuse for as long as possible.

He _should_ probably let Isak be, though. _Four months_ , he had said. That was just such a long time! Where did those rules come from, anyway? Was it just the policy of the app company? In desperation, Even searched online and found all sorts of articles about professional cuddle buddies. He almost felt attacked when he found articles like _I Tried Out a Cuddle Buddy and Just Ended Up Frustrated_ , or _Stop Trying to Have Sex with Your Professional Cuddler._ One of the articles talked about how the cuddles were one sided and how a professional cuddler never could replace real intimacy. And it was kind of obvious, of course. Even had given up the cuddling after the session with Vilde, after all. She was nice, but she wasn’t Isak, and the cuddle situation only reminded Even of him.

Still, he kept recommending the cuddle app and Isak to his colleagues and to people he knew. After all, it was a great thing to do. It just wasn’t for him. Not just right now, anyway.

Even tried to forget about Isak and focus on his project instead. He had originally thought about a laundry app and a shopping app and other apps like that, but realized that the thing that fascinated him the most, was the apps that tried to replace human contact. Like cuddling. Dating. Or being a fake boyfriend or girlfriend. Well, he wasn’t interested in trying out a dating app. Not when he still was so gone for Isak. He could get some really interesting interviews, though.

His new ideas for his project made him excited, and he wanted to share it with someone. Now that he had pulled away from his old friends, and he had left Sonja, that meant that he had basically nobody to talk to. Eskil and his crew were mostly Sonja’s friends, and Even didn’t know if he had the right to keep in touch. He could talk to Sana or the other girls, but they weren’t really that close yet, and he knew Sana would ask him to drop by. He couldn’t do that. Not just yet.

In the end, he sent Isak a text about it.

 _Halla! I have to polish a little on the video before i send it to you_ , he texted first. Just to have an excuse to make contact.

 _That’s chill_ , Isak replied.

_Cool. Btw I have decided to focus on apps that are trying to replace or help human contact. You know, like cuddling, dating or fake friends and boyfriends and apps like that. There’s even a grandpa/ grandma app where you can contact old people to… I don’t know, solve crosswords with and spend time with._

_Oh yeah? That sounds great, but also a little sad._

_Yeah, it does._

_So does this mean that you’re you going to try out Tinder and stuff? Wouldn’t that be... weird?_

Even sighed. He knew that Isak’s question was an opening to tell Isak about Sonja. Still, he didn’t know how to say that they were over. Well, not without sounding too obvious about his interest in Isak. So he let it be.

_Nah… If I do talk to someone on Tinder or Grindr it will only be to interview people, anyway. :)_

_Right, sounds wise. :) So. Good summer so far?_

Even didn’t know how to reply to that. The sun was shining. Everything should be good. But he already missed seeing Isak. He also missed his old friends a lot. At times he even missed Sonja. How could he say that to Isak without sounding whiny and pathetic? So when he was distracted by his father talking to him, he just put his phone away. And in the end, he didn’t answer at all.  

Several days went by, and then weeks. Even busied himself working, and spending time in the sun, and working on his project. He interviewed some people using Tinder and Grindr, and set up appointments with a “grandma” from the grandparent app.

He also spent a lot of time with the girls, at least when they were home. He was also invited to some of their parties, but he stayed away when he knew Isak was going. Mostly they just spent time at someone’s home or in a cafe or a park.

One warm evening at the end of July, he was at a café with Eva, drinking iced coffee.

– So, why won’t you tell me what the deal is with Isak? Eva asked.

Even shrugged, and avoided her eyes. For some reason, it was difficult to lie about Isak. Probably because there was something about him that always made Even’s heart race. – I have nothing to tell, really. You should ask him yourself.

Eva looked a little sad. – We don’t talk that much anymore. I guess we kinda lost contact when Jonas and I broke up.

Even looked closer at her. – Oh, I’m sorry. I thought all three of you were friends?

– Yeah. We were. I confided in him a lot, actually. Well, something happened and I was mad at him for a long time. He did some stupid shit, you see. But I guess that’s over, because I’m not angry at all anymore. I did some pretty stupid things myself, so…

Even had to pause for a moment. He could imagine that Isak could do some impulsive things, but Even couldn't quite imagine what would have made Eva so angry. She seemed like such an easy-going girl.

– You’ve known him for a long time, right? he asked.

– Yeah, Eva smiled. – He was in my class when I moved from Bergen. Just like Jonas, and some of my other old friends, Ingrid and Sara.

– So, what’s he like? Even asked, as he stared into his iced coffee. It was impossible to hold the curiosity back.

– Ìsak? I don’t know? He’s a dork, I guess? He can talk about something that interests him for hours. And he’s pretty smart. And funny. He keeps stuff to himself a lot. But have you seen some of the stuff he puts out on Insta?

Even shook his head.

Eva grinned, and pulled out her phone. When she showed him the images and videos of Isak on her phone, Even almost felt tempted to open an account again. _Fuck_ , Isak was cute. And hot, too. And he seemed really close to the jonas9000 guy, Eva’s ex. Even tried not to let his imagination spiral with that info.

When Eva put her phone away, Even tried to seem indifferent. He took a long sip from his cold drink and stared into the air.

– So… you and Jonas are over, then? Vilde told me that you hang a lot with someone called Chris?

– Yeah, well, Chris and I hook up at times. Nothing serious. Jonas and I are over. He has a girlfriend. And I’m just… figuring out what I want, I guess.

– Sounds like a good idea, Even nodded.

Eva just looked at him. – Anyway, I have to go soon, she said, and finished her drink. – But uh…  We’re planning to have a party tonight. Wanna come?

Even shrugged. – What kind of party is it?  

– Well, I’m just inviting some friends, really. The girls, and some boys from school, too.

Even nodded. He should ask if Isak would be coming, but it would have seemed too obvious, so he didn’t. – I’m not sure… he said.

Eva got up and put on her thin jacket. – Come on, Even. You have avoided all of our parties this summer. It’s about time you let your hair down.

Even snorted a laugh. – Sure, he said, and thought for a moment. Eva was sort of right. He knew he should try to be a little more social. Summer would be over soon. – Okay. When should I turn up?

– Ì don’t know, around eight? We’re starting early.

Even hesitated for just a moment, before he finished his drink and got up, too. – Great, he said, and hugged Eva goodbye. – I’ll be there.

– Great, I’ll see you then!

Normally, he would probably have stressed quite a lot about going to a party for the first time in ages, but luckily, he didn’t have time to worry much about it. He bought some beer on his way home, had dinner with his parents, and then the early evening disappeared as he took a shower and fixed his hair. Then he had to go.

At around eight thirty he was at Eva’s house. As he was about to knock on the front door, someone opened it and came out. A body bumped into him before he had the time to react. A hand clutched around his upper arm. Green eyes locked onto his.

_Isak._

Even’s heart started to race and he hardly registered the guys standing next to him.

– Uh, sorry, he mumbled. – Hi.

Isak didn’t say a word, he just stared. Now the other boys stared at him too. Even recognized the guy with dark curls and bushy eyebrows from Insta, he had to be Jonas. There was also a blonde guy, a black guy, and of course... Isak. All of them were staring.

Even realized that he probably should say why he was there. – I... uh… Eva invited me.

Suddenly both Jonas and Isak looked at him with something similar to suspicion. Well, Isak seemed a little more understanding.

– Yeah? Isak asked.

– Yeah, Even nodded. – Why are you guys leaving?

– Dude, we aren’t leaving, the blonde guy in the back said, grinning. – We’re just coming out for a smoke.

– Oh, Even muttered.

Isak’s eyes were so green, so green. Even felt lost in them.

– You can join us if you like, Isak said, carefully. It was impossible to read his expression. Still, it wasn’t like it was a choice, not really. Isak had asked Even to join them, so he would.

– Okay, Even said.

##  **Isak: I know for sure that you mean trouble**

If someone had told Isak in the spring that his summer would become busy, he would have laughed out loud. However, as July surged on, he got more and more work, until it almost became too much.

In the beginning of the summer he didn’t really notice; he was busy obsessing over Even’s texts and over the lack of them. In one minute they were texting, and in the next Even went silent on him. Even seemed to avoid coming to parties where he knew Isak was going to be there, too. The whole thing made Isak so frustrated that he ended up texting Even one night when he was drunk. He even had said he was horny. Even must have thought he was such an idiot. When Even finally contacted him again, he said nothing, though.

Isak tried to forget about it, and after a while he didn’t have time to obsess over him at all. Even's referrals gave Isak a lot to do; after a few weeks Isak’s personal life was non-existent but his professional life was booming. He had several cuddle appointments every day. Two months after he’d met Even, he was basically burning out.

Actually, it was baffling how many 16-20-year olds who needed cuddles or massages there were. Normally, clients in that age group were rare, and at one moment, Isak wondered if Even had recommended him to a whole football team.

Although the money was good, Isak was starting to get almost fed up with all the cuddling. He didn’t want to cuddle all these random people (he wanted to cuddle someone who was off limits). He probably needed a break.

So when Eva invited Jonas to a party in the end of July, and included his friends in the invitation, Isak decided that he needed it. It would be good to chill a little and hang around with Jonas and other people.

He saw it as a chance to get to know Mahdi and Magnus a little better, too. Isak and the others were all in the same class in their main subjects like Norwegian and History, but after summer, the other three boys would have several common classes while Isak would be alone with his science subjects.

So, at the time of the party, Isak turned up at Eva’s house, with some beer that Eskild had bought him and a wide smile plastered on his face. Deep down, he was a little nervous to face Eva. The two of them hadn't talked much since everything had happened.

However, when Isak rang the doorbell, Eva opened the door and threw her arms around him. – Isak! So good to see ya!

Oh, nothing to be nervous about, then. Isak smiled and hugged her back. – Yo, it’s good to see you too.

– Mm... you give the best hugs, Isak, Eva sighed. – You always did. No wonder you can do this for a living.

– Yeah? Isak laughed.

– I can’t understand why Even had to stop going to you! He has the best hugs, too!

 _Yeah I know_. Isak blushed and stuttered something inaudible while Eva dragged him inside. – Come on. Almost everyone is here. We’re just a small gang this time.

Isak stepped out of his shoes and followed her into the living room. There, Jonas and the boys were gathered already, next to Eva’s friends. There were a couple of unknown faces, but not too many.

– Halla, Isak! Magnus bellowed. – There you are! Ready to party?

– Hi guys, Isak said to everyone and no-one, and gave the boys bro hugs and waved to the rest. The girls winked or raised their glasses to him.

– It’s gonna be good to chill a little, he admitted, as he was still standing in the middle of the floor.

– We hardly see you, Mahdi said with his calm smile. – Are you working all day and night?

Isak huffed a laugh, as he walked towards the kitchen to put his beers in the fridge. – Something like that. I’ll just put these away.

– Grab a beer and join us for a smoke, Jonas said, as he got up from the couch. – And bring me one beer, too. You owe me.

Isak huffed it away, although he knew it was true. He brought one beer for Jonas and one for himself and followed the boys back into the hallway.

– It’s too early to try to smoke up somewhere inside, Jonas smiled, as he put on his shoes. – Eva would kill us. So we’ll go around in the back of the garden.

Isak stepped into his own shoes. – Sounds like a wise choice, he grinned.

He opened the door, and bumped into a person standing in front of the door. _Fuck_ . Tall. Blue eyes. Nice smell. Aaah _... nice_ smell. _Even?_ A hot feeling rushed through him, and his heart started racing.

– Uh, sorry, Even mumbled. – Hi.

Isak didn’t know what to say at all, so he said nothing, he just stared. _Even_. What was he doing here? Oh, Eva must have invited him, of course.

And yeah, that seemed to be the case: – I... uh… Eva invited me, Even said. He looked kind of confused, but his smile still lit up his face.

– Yeah? Isak asked, holding Jonas’ and his own beer hard in his hands. He hoped that Even was invited as a friend and not a love interest. Isak wasn’t sure if he could handle if Eva ran away with another of his crushes.

Not that he could compare the overwhelming sensations he felt for Even with the infatuation he once felt for Jonas.

But that fact, of course, only made it worse if Eva was after him.

– Yeah, Even nodded. He still looked a little confused. – Why are you guys leaving?

Magnus explained that they were just coming out for a smoke, and Even’s eyes widened. – Oh.

He just stood there, and Isak suddenly felt desperate to make sure that he didn’t disappear inside. – You can join us if you like, he said, carefully, trying not to seem too eager.

– Okay, Even said, turned around and joined them as they walked down the stairs.

Isak could breathe out.

– Great! Magnus said and put an arm around Even’s shoulders. They all walked around the house into the back garden. – Mahdi promised he has some good shit.

– That’s because it is, Mahdi said. He stretched his hand to Even. – By the way, I’m Mahdi.  
Even smiled as he took his hand. – Even.

Isak felt the heat in his cheeks as he realized that he had forgotten to introduce them all. – Fuck, yeah, sorry. Guys, this is Even. And Even, this is Jonas, Magnus and Mahdi. My buddies. He pointed to them all with the two beers in his hands. Then he finally managed to hand one to Jonas.

The boys shook hands, and then they found a bench next to the wall and slumped down on it. Isak got caught between Mahdi and Even. Isak tried to ignore the warmth from Even’s body as he opened his beer and took one sip, then two.

– So, where do you know each other from? Mahdi asked, as he found the joint and lit it up.  
He took a drag and passed it to Isak. Isak didn’t know what to say, and he probably looked like a deer caught in headlights.

Even looked at him quickly before he answered. – The cuddle app, he said. – I actually got to know Vilde and the girls through that app, too.

 _Of course_ . Isak took a drag from the joint, and slowly felt the ease sink in. _The cuddle app_. The truth was best, well apart from the part that they had kissed. Isak felt hot in his cheeks. When he passed the blunt over to Even, he noticed that Even was already looking at him. Isak quickly looked away.

– Cool, Jonas said, from the other end of the bench. – I know that Isak has been working a lot lately, but I didn’t know that he had gotten new friends.

Even didn’t say anything to that, he just took a drag and passed it over to Magnus. Isak didn’t know if it was the weed or the alcohol or the closeness, but Even’s slow movements made him sort of tingle all over. He felt like he should come up with some quick answer, but his thoughts were slow like syrup. Could he even call Even his friend?

– Yeah, well… he muttered.

– Uhm, Magnus said, – excuse me, Even, but why did you want to pay for cuddles in the first place?

Even laughed. His laughter made something settle inside of Isak.

– Well, first of all because of this film project I’m doing. But also, why not? I think a lot of people could have good use of some cuddles. Especially boys.

Isak’s heart skipped in interest.

– How come? Magnus asked.

Isak wondered the same. He couldn't take his eyes off Even as he waited for the answer.

Even looked back for a moment, and smiled a little. – Well, I guess most boys and girls today grow up with lots of love, affection and cuddles, right? But there are still some old fashioned attitudes about boys, especially as we get older. You know, we get to hear things like, «boys don’t cry» and we’re told to toughen up. Hugs and cuddles aren’t as accepted.

– Huh, you’re right, Jonas said. He was taking a drag of the joint, and he looked kinda philosophical and dazed at the same time. – I guess I don’t hug anyone as much as I used to when I was smaller.

Isak knew it was true. It was one of the things that used to pain him back when he started to crush on Jonas. How they hugged and touched less and less until they almost didn’t touch at all.

– Fuck, that’s heteronormativity for ya, Jonas added.

Mahdi hummed in agreement, and Magnus seemed to be staring at Even with stars in his eyes. Isak could relate.

– Yeah, and it’s a pity, Even said, as he took a deep drag of the blunt. – We humans need touch.

Isak finally felt like he could add to the conversation. – True. Actually, hugs and touches release hormones that make us feel good, he said, words rolling off his tongue like syrup. – We need them to develop and shit.

It sounded a little more pretentious than he planned, so a small smile grew on his face.

– Oh yeah? Mahdi asked, grinning. It was obvious that he thought Isak sounded kinda silly.

A chuckle grew in Isak’s chest. – Yeah, it’s science, he said, falling into the laugh with all the others.

Fuck this felt good. He felt great right now, like there was nothing in the world he could ever possibly need to worry about.

– Seems like you’re doing quite an important job, Isak, Jonas smiled.

Isak rolled his eyes, although his smile was still lingering in his face. – Yeah, yeah, sure.

Even pushed the joint into Isak’s hand and he took another hit, leaning back on his elbows and letting the smoke seep slowly between his lips.

– Well Jonas isn’t wrong, you know, Even said then. When he looked at Isak there was a softness in his eyes. – It’s just a pity that people can’t get the touch they need in another way. With, like, people they know. No offence, Isak.

Isak smiled back. He felt a little warm and dizzy. – None taken. I agree.

– And I’m sure a handsome boy like you gets all the hugs you need from pretty girls, Even? Magnus said, as he grinned and wiggled his eyebrows.

Even chuckled. – What if I’m not into girls?

And Isak just… Isak felt like he had crawled further back into his closet since he had stayed with Jonas and started to hang more with the boys. It felt like he had had to. But Even had just put it out there, like it meant nothing. Isak couldn’t help staring, and he probably gaped, too.

Magnus definitely gaped. – Aren’t you into girls? he said.

– Oh, I’m into girls, Even grinned. – It’s just, I could also be into boys, too, you know?

Isak swallowed, as he mindlessly let Mahdi take the blunt. He realized that Even could have come out in that moment. He wondered if Even held back because he wanted to, or because he wanted to protect Isak from questions. Maybe both.

– Well I’m sure you get hugs from both boys and girls, then, Magnus laughed, and threw his arm around Even.

Suddenly they all were hugging and laughing. Isak realized that the boys had taken an instant liking to Even. He wasn’t really surprised. Who wouldn’t like Even?

– Well, I wanna go inside and get more beer, Jonas said. – Are you guys coming?

– Sure, Mahdi said, and gave the joint back to Isak before he got up from the bench.

Isak was a little surprised that Jonas and Mahdi would leave before they had finished the smoke, but he suspected that Jonas wanted to get inside and maybe steal a hug or two from Eva. Or was he still with Isabell? Isak felt a stab of guilt over the fact that he really didn’t know. And Mahdi’s motives were totally unclear to him.

Magnus was also quick to follow Jonas and Mahdi, for some reason. Isak was a little slower; he kept sitting, as he waited to see what Even would say. He wanted to finish the smoke and he wanted to sit next to Even for as long as possible.

– I think I just would like to finish that, Even said, pointing to the blunt in Isak’s hand.

– Yeah, same here, Isak said, and took a deep hit. He could feel that he was blushing, it was probably very transparent how much he wanted to stay out here with Even. However, the other boys didn’t seem to react at all. They just left Isak and Even there on the bench, without any more questions.

– Later, then, Jonas said, and threw his arms around the other two.

Isak followed them with his eyes as they walked away, laughing and chattering, and disappeared around the corner of the house. Suddenly everything was silent. Even was still sitting right next to Isak, and Isak didn’t know what to say or what to do. It felt like his side was burning because of the heat from Even’s body.

Isak passed the blunt to Even. – So. I didn’t really know if I would ever see you again, he said.

 _Shit_ , was that a little much? A little needy?

When he glanced at Even, he saw that Even’s cheeks were pink. He blew out some smoke while he kept his eyes looking straight ahead. – Well, it’s not like I’ve disappeared, he said, looked at Isak and raising his eyebrows. – You knew I had started to hang with Eva, Sana and the others, right?

Isak met his gaze and felt how his heart skipped a beat again. He took a deep sip from his beer. – Sure. Vilde told me. I just. I kinda noticed that you avoided parties that you knew I was going to.

Now it was evident that Even blushed a little. – Yeah. Uh... I thought about your rule about not seeing each other and everything. I didn’t want to make you uncomfortable, so I stayed away.

Isak nodded. That made sense, although it hurt a little to know that Even actually _had_ avoided him. When Even passed him the blunt again, he almost burned his fingers. He took a final drag and put the blunt out. He felt dizzy, and sad. A part of him regretted that he had been so determined to stick to the rules. To keep apart for four months… what would that be, the end of September? And then what? He couldn't expect that Even would wait for him. Was he even still on a break from Sonja? Isak knew he couldn’t rely on that at all. Now it probably was too late, anyway. Even must have lost interest. He had kept away, after all, until today.

– Not this time, though? Isak asked.

It looked like it took a moment before Even caught what he was referring to. – Not this time, he confirmed. – Actually, It felt kinda wrong to ask if you were coming. Eva might have started to believe that you and I were mortal enemies, or something.

– Mortal enemies? Isak snorted.

Even smiled a little. – Yeah, like Maximus and Commodus in Gladiator, you know?

Isak shook his head. He had no idea what Even was talking about. Well, he had heard about Gladiator, but he must have missed it.

– Well… Luke Skywalker and Darth Vader in Star Wars, then, Even said with a smile. – Or Batman and the Joker. You know what a mortal enemy is, Isak.

Even looked kinda delighted to be able to give these examples, and Isak couldn't help grinning. – Well, we _are_ , aren’t we? he teased. – I know for sure that you mean trouble, Even.

Even’s eyes glittered in fond amusement. – Oh yeah? How come?

Isak laughed. – Oh you know. You come here with your big smile and movie fanaticism, being all… creative and charming. It’s... pure evil.

– Hah! What’s evil about that?

Isak was at a loss of a good answer, and his fogged brain didn’t help, but he couldn’t admit to that. – Uh… well, I guess I’m like Batman, he stuttered. – I just live to fight another day, and to make the wrong things right. And you… disturb me, just like the Joker.

– Ooh ouch! Even laughed, and the sound of his laughter made Isak warm all over. He wished he could keep making Even laugh. Even bumped his shoulder into Isak’s. – I will have to make it up to you somehow, then, he said.

Even’s voice was a little deeper than usual, and Isak could feel the heat from his breath against his cheek. He shivered. _Fuck._ Staying away from Even could prove to be more difficult than he had thought it would be.

– I guess you will, he muttered, as he allowed himself another quick look at Even’s face. Even pouted a little as he was thinking, and Isak yearned to touch his lips.

– So, how’s your summer so far? Even asked, when the silence dragged out a little.

Isak swallowed, as he was reminded of the fact that Even never answered Isak’s text when he asked him about the same. – Alright, I guess. Warm. Mostly boring. I work a lot. How is yours?

– Warm. Boring. I work a little, too.

They both laughed. It felt nice. Easy. There was still tension between them, but it was manageable.

– So you haven’t done anything shitty lately, then? Even asked.

Isak stared at him, confused. – What?

– You texted me that you had done something shitty, remember?

 _Oh._ Isak blushed. – Oh. Yeah. I was drunk. We agreed to talk about it when we were sober. I’m not exactly sober now.

He took a sip of his lukewarm beer to prove it.

Even laughed. – Yeah, no, I guess not. I’m not sober either. But I’m not as drunk as you were at that party.

Isak laughed, too. – Dork. Well, I guess not, he said and paused for a moment. His eyes looked into the air, thinking. – I was talking about something I did to Jonas and Eva, he admitted. – It still bugs me. I kinda broke them up.

Even’s eyebrows shot up. – Really? How so?

Isak shrugged. – Eva told me that she had kissed another guy. And I just couldn’t stand the thought that Jonas didn’t know. So I told someone.

– Oh fuck.

– Yeah, Isak said, grimacing. – Pretty shitty, right? And all because of a stupid crush.

– What? A crush?

Isak was sure his face was on fire, he felt so hot and embarrassed. – Yeah, I kinda crushed on Jonas.

 _Fuck_ , he did it. He admitted that he had crushed on Jonas, his best friend, a boy. Damn.

– Oh, Even said. Then he was silent for a moment. – Are you still –

– No. No I’m not, Isak said, exhaling. – What about you? You said you did some shitty stuff, too?

Even looked startled. – Uh. Well. I guess I took it a step further, he muttered. – I kinda… kissed my best friend and made a lot of drama. And I hurt my girlfriend in the process.

Isak cocked his head. – Was this during that episode you told me about?

– I guess.

Isak nodded. – Well, it’s not like you did something bad then, is it? It’s not like it was your fault?

– I guess not? Even said, hesitatingly. – I wasn’t totally gone, though, so it feels like it was my fault, anyway.

– Hmm…

Isak didn’t know what to say. His mind was spinning, and the irony of it all hit him. He chuckled a little. – I crushed on my best friend and fucked up his relationship and you kissed yours and more or less fucked up your own relationship. We’re really something special.

Even laughed. – We are. It’s funny, when you say it like that it doesn’t sound as bad.

– I know, Isak mused. – It’s weird.

It was weird. The secret somehow felt less threatening. Isak still felt bad about what he did, but maybe not as anxious. He leant back on the bench.

Even sighed. – Well. We’re doing pretty great, after all, aren’t we? he asked, looking a little embarrassed. – I don’t feel like the mess I was when I contacted you through the cuddle app. I have friends now, and I'm going back to school.

He shrugged, but Isak could tell that these things mattered to him. He thought about what Even said, and realized that he was right.

– Yeah, a lot of things are better, Isak said. – When I met you the cuddle job was the one thing I felt kinda good about. I had been through a pretty rough time. My sleeping arrangements were questionable at best. And I kept to myself. Now I have an alright place to stay and I hang more with the boys, too.

He didn’t say anything about how he still had to keep pretending that he was a straight guy, that he was just like everybody else. Or that he tried to keep everything about his mom to himself. Apart from that, everything _was_ better now.

– It’s good to see that you’re doing great, Isak, Even said, and looked like he meant it.

– Same here.

There was another beat of silence. Isak knew they should go inside. He just had to say one thing. – It’s okay if we see each other, you know, he said. – You don’t have to avoid me.

– Yeah? Even asked, and his smile shone. – I can see you before September?

Isak chuckled an embarrassed laugh. – Yeah, of course. We share friends and everything, it’s really no problem.

That, of course, was a truth with modifications. Isak knew he would struggle to keep his feelings in control if he would see Even all the time. But he would manage. If he wanted to see Even, that was the deal, wasn’t it?

– That’s great, Even said. His eyes were so soft that Isak almost couldn’t take it.

Isak nodded. The two of them were sitting so close. He felt dizzy, and hot in his face and strangely empty at the same time, like something was missing. He wanted to hug Even again, so badly.

Isak was pretty high, but he managed to keep his feelings in check. He should have been pleased with himself.

He wasn’t.

He just felt empty and kind of tired.

Even released a slow breath and looked down. – Well. I should have known that there’s no harm in meeting you like this. It’s not like we are dating or have feelings for each other, so.

He glanced at Isak.

 _Ouch._ Isak swallowed. He realized that he must have had a bit of hope after all, since he could feel so crushed only by those words. Even didn’t have feelings for him. Okay then.

– No, of course not, he said, quickly. – We’re just friends.

Even nodded, and looked down again.

 _Fuck, it hurt._ Isak could hardly breathe. This was going to be okay, though. It had to.

They could be friends. At least that was something, right? They could get to know each other anyway, right? He wanted to say so much, and he wanted to ask about so much. Right now he mostly wanted to withdraw and lick his wounds though.

– Uhm… I guess we should go inside and catch up with the others, he muttered.

– Okay, yeah, that’s probably a good idea. Hug? Even asked, surprising him a little. Even looked a little surprised, too.

They probably shouldn’t.

But Isak was still dizzy, and Even was warm and tempting next to him. It was too easy to give in. Just this once. – Alright, hug, he said, leaned into Even, put his arms around him and buried his face in his neck.

And _damn_ . Despite the heaviness in his stomach, it fluttered at the feeling of his body pressed against Even’s. On Even’s neck he could smell warm skin, and a faint scent of beer, cigarettes and weed. Somehow, it didn’t smell bad at all, it was kinda intoxicating. Isak sunk into the warmth of Even’s side and wrapped his arms tighter around him. One of Even’s hands touched the hair on his neck. _Oh, fuck_ , he had forgot how good this felt. Even’s touch made the air warmer somehow, Isak’s future seeming a little less bleak.

He didn’t want to get up.

He had to, though. They both had to get up in the end. Isak was just about to sit back and get up when he heard a sound and someone turned up in front of them.

– What the hell, Isak?

Isak stiffened, and jumped away from Even.

 _Emma._ The girl that never seemed to let him go. What was she doing here, and what in the world did she want?

The girl with the short, dark hair was standing there, next to a girl with big eyes and long, blonde hair. She kept tugging at Emma’s arm. – Let’s go, Emma, she muttered.

Emma stumbled a little. _Oh._ She was drunk. And she didn’t seem to be interested in leaving anytime soon.

– Wait, she said, staring at Isak and Even. She pointed a finger at them. – What are you guys doing? she asked. She looked annoyed, like Isak had hurt her. – Are you two like on a fucking date or something?

Her friend tried to shush at her, but it had no effect. – Are you fucking _dating_?

Isak stared at her in horror. _What the fuck?_ Was this how it was going to happen? Was he going to be outed by a drunk and jealous fifteen year old? And for something that even wasn’t going nowhere?

– I could report you, you know, Isak! Emma continued, and crossed her arms. She almost seemed sober for a moment. – You aren’t supposed to meet customers outside of work, right? Not for four months!  

Isak didn’t know what to say. He knew his cuddler job was just an extra job, and he knew there weren’t really any repercussions for dating his customers. And Emma hadn’t seen a thing happening, really. They had just hugged! Still, the rules had been a safety net, and he was proud that he (mainly) had kept them. And Emma’s questions rattled him.   

– It’s not… Even started, next to him.

– Shut up, Emma said. She looked almost in tears now. – You’re both idiots. I am so going to report this, and you can’t stop me.

Isak could only stare. He probably should have known that Emma would mean trouble. After all, he wasn’t completely innocent when it came to Emma. He tried to push that thought away. – Emma, he tried. – Why are you doing this? I’m sorry if you feel bad, but...

– Don’t you get it? You let me believe that you liked me! You shouldn’t play with people like that, Isak! You’re no good.

She was sort of right. On their first and only cuddle, in a park, they had met Jonas and the others, and Isak had acted a little too flirty, just to show off. Just to act like he was manly and tough. It wasn’t much more than some smiles and winks, but it was still stupid. Especially since she was a client, but also since she turned out to be too young to use the app.

– I’m sorry, he whispered..

– No good, Emma muttered.

Emma’s friend finally managed to turn her around and drag her away. – I’ll get her home, she said, shrugging.

Isak watched them go, but said nothing.

Even was silent next to him, too. What did he think about Isak now? Suddenly there seemed to be like an ocean of distance between them.

Isak wasn’t really worried about any report. Not really. They hadn’t done anything wrong. But he did fear that Emma would say things she shouldn’t. She could talk to her friends. Fuck, he was pretty sure she would talk to others about Even and him. Or that other girl could say something, for that matter. They could talk to people who knew people at Nissen. Rumours like that could spread like a fire in dry grass. Isak knew how gossip made everything grow until a hug became… a fucking blowjob, or something. Like in March, when everybody thought he got together with Sara after a blow job. Yeah, right. It was more a fumbled mess of awkward kisses.

Who knew what his and Even’s hug would turn into.

_Fucking Emma._

Isak noticed that Even got up beside him, but Isak felt like he was in another world. He sighed. So this was it then. This was really how he was going to get outed? This was how he was going to be punished for spending time with a guy who didn’t want him anyway.

_Fuck._


	5. Closer

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> If you struggle to remember, last chapter ended at a party at Eva's. Emma threatened to report Isak for being with Even, although the boys were just talking and hugging (as a personal cuddler, Isak couldn't date a client before he had waited four months). Both Isak and Even both seemed to think that the other only wanted to be friends. Silly boys... 
> 
> In this chapter, August is burning hot, summer is almost over, and the boys make a deal and set some new rules. There will be cuddles. And the boys try to learn the art of talking, too. :D
> 
> If you wonder, we're right before season 3 in the original show right now.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Halla! I'm sorry if you waited for this. It seems like this verse needs time. I hope it's worth it. It seems like I won't write as many chapters as originally planned, so that means we're getting closer to the (happy) ending! Yay! ... Or nay, I will probably miss these boys, lol.
> 
> Thank you so so much for all the feedback. <3 <3 <3 Sometimes I get so horribly insecure about my writing, but your words and kudos help a lot. I would love it if you have questions about what's coming, or things you would like to see happen, too. Let me know! You can tell me here, or at tumblr. 
> 
> And thank you so, so much, lovely betas. I can't believe how lucky I am to have your support. <3 <3 <3

##  ****

##  **Even: To a new start**

Even died a little on the inside the moment he saw the horror in Isak’s face, and Emma’s words rang in his head: _Are you two like on a fucking date or something?_ And then: _I am so going to report this, and you can’t stop me._

It was dark outside, at least dark to be in the end of July, but the air was warm. Even was staring after Emma and her friend as they walked away. He was still dizzy from the weed, but Emma’s words had made him wake up.

Isak looked stunned, and horrified. And in that moment, Even knew that he couldn’t let Isak go through the same shit he had been through himself. The curious and worried looks, the whispers. The shame.

Even’s breaths were shallow, and he felt something tighten in his chest. Suddenly everything was crystal clear, and it was as if he was back there, in the mania, his spinning thoughts, his friends looking at him like he was a stranger.

Mikael with his doubts and confusion.

Yousef and Elias with concern.

Sonja with her anger and fear.  

Mutta and Adam had hardly known what was going on, but he had seen the worry in their eyes.

Everyone at Bakka had known that Even had kissed a boy, and everyone had known that he’d been manic. They might never have known the details, but they still knew more than Even had wanted them to. He was a psycho gay, they said.

Now it was as if it all happened all over again. Even could feel the looks, hear the whispers and taste the bitterness in his mouth. He could feel his heart racing.

Emma’s words were still ringing in the air when Even shot up from the bench and ran after her and that other girl.

He reached them one block down.

– You can’t just say stuff like that, Emma! he shouted after her back.

The girls didn’t stop at first, but he kept talking. – You can’t just threaten to report someone like that.

Emma stopped then, and turned around.

– Especially when you don’t know if it’s true! Even continued, as he approached her and her friend. – Isak and I were only talking, for fuck’s sake! What’s wrong with you?

Emma still looked drunk. She was clinging to her friends’ arm and she had tears in her eyes. – I thought that he liked _me_ , she said, shivering. It struck Even how young she looked. – The first time we met it seemed like he did.

Even hesitated then, but he knew he couldn’t let go. – That doesn’t give you the right to do what you’re doing now, he said, breathing hard and fighting to stay calm. – We’re not even dating. We were just _talking_.

– He’s right, you know, Emma’s friend said. She looked tired. – Come on, Emma

Emma looked away. – I _know_ you are; you must be, Emma muttered. – I’m not blind. I can see how he looks at you.

Even struggled to keep the hope she gave him at bay. She was only guessing, she had no idea what Isak felt. Isak and Even had both said that they were friends, and that there were no feelings between them.

– We’re just friends, Emma, he said. – Hardly that.

Emma stared at him and her eyes were like big, brown Bambi eyes. – Fine. I won’t report him or anything. I won’t tell anyone. Okay? It was just something I said, really. I’m just… I’m sorry.

Even nodded. He didn’t know what to say. Everything about Emma just rubbed him the wrong way. She was a cute girl, and probably just insecure behind her cool appearance, but he still didn’t like her. – You should tell Isak that, he said. Then he focused on the other girl. – That counts for you too. And please don’t spread any rumours about us. That’s a fucked up thing to do.

– I know, the girl nodded. She looked embarrassed. – We won’t.

– Good, Even said, and breathed out. He had done what he could. Hopefully, it would work.

Even followed the girls with his eyes as they turned around and walked away. Although the night was warm, he felt cold, and his hands were shaking. He couldn’t stop his thoughts from going back.

Although Even had known for a long time that he was attracted to all kinds of people, and he had known that his family would be supportive, coming out had been a nightmare.

He had just started to realize what pansexuality was when he had his first big manic episode. When he kissed Mikael. When Mikael looked at him with horror in his eyes. When he lost himself in the Quran. When the desperation and self hate overwhelmed him and he almost...

_Don’t. Don’t go there._

Even shivered, as he forced himself to think about something else. He was pretty sure that he did the right thing, stopping Emma. Isak shouldn’t go through what Even went through. When he had started to recover from his episode, he had heard about the rumours. And he knew he couldn’t face it. His coming out had been ripped from him. By his illnesså.

 _Fuck this shit_. Even sighed. As the adrenaline seeped out of him, he realized that he really didn’t want to go back to the party. To be honest, he couldn’t really face Isak right now, right after Isak said they were only friends, and agreed that they didn’t have feelings for each other.

_As if._

The night was quiet. Even’s breath calmed down, but he still felt on edge. Actually, he felt kind of exhausted and on edge at the same time.  Even had feelings for Isak, but Isak had his rules, and the thing they had had was a job for him. _It was just a job._ Even was alone with his feelings.

The thought made Even’s world blacker than it ever was before, and darker. A feeling of loneliness seeped into him, crippling his every thought. Even’s lungs struggled for breath against ribs of stone and his feet were heavy.

It was so easy to imagine that it was more, though. The talk with Isak on the bench had felt so _nice_. Their warm hug had felt so intimate and real. But Even knew that he couldn’t be sure of Isak’s interest. And he… he had to protect his own heart. When he first met Isak, his heart had become softer and stronger at the same time, now it felt like it was about to break.

And hell, he had to protect Isak, too. Even knew that Isak had his own worries, and family troubles, whatever that meant. Isak had most likely been through enough. He didn’t need another burden, like Even. Isak didn’t need to live through the same worry that Mikael, Elias and the others had.

It was probably best that Even stayed away. Also, he knew that if he went back to the party, he had to keep his mask up, and keep his attraction hidden. Right now that felt impossible. His feelings were too raw. He sent Isak a text:

_I’m sorry I bailed, Isak, I just had to. Please tell Eva I’m sorry. See you later?_

After a moment he added: _Don’t worry about Emma, I’m sure she won’t say anything._

The answer was quick: _Thanks._ _I’m okay, Even. Or I will be._

_Good._

_You really ran away in a hurry. So you just ditch us then? I didn’t know that was your style? :P_

Isak seemed to be joking, but the guilt stung, and Even stopped in his tracks. First of all, did Isak really think he just disappeared like that? Didn’t he see that Even ran after Emma? And secondly, was Even being stupid again, just going home? If he wasn’t running away before, he most definitely was now. _Shit._

Even groaned in frustration. If he wanted to make friends, fleeing was obviously not the right thing to do. But Isak… Could Even manage to go back to face him? Well, Isak seemed kind of himself again, and, _fuck_ , it was pretty obvious that he wanted Even to think just like this right now. Isak knew Even’s weak spots too well.

Even released a slow breath.

 _Fuck you,_ he wrote, feeling a small smirk growing around his mouth. _I know what you’re doing._

_What? :D I’m just saying that it’s fine—if you’re a ditching type of guy! :D_

That fucker. Even had to chuckle as the cold grip around his heart loosened. Isak seemed to be alright, and he wanted Even to come back to Eva’s party. And then the others expected him to be there, too… Even sighed. _Oh, what the hell?_ He could manage a night with Isak and their friends, as long as it was easy like this, couldn’t he? He turned around, still texting on his phone.

_Oh, shut up with your attempt at guilt tripping and reverse psychology. I’ll come back._

_Lol good._

So Even walked back, picked up his bag with beer that he had left by the bench in the garden, and went back inside. He took two deep breaths before he walked into the living room and found the whole group of people there. Eva and Chris were singing, and everyone else was chatting and laughing. Isak looked at him from the sofa, but it was impossible to see what he was thinking. He just raised his eyebrows in a greeting, or maybe a sarcastic “there you are”. Even didn’t know, he just noticed his heart speeding up. He chose to just smile.

– There you are! Eva shouted, stumbled over and threw herself into his arms. – Where did you go?

Even put on his best smile and laughed. – I just needed some air, he said.

– Okay, she said, snorting. – I heard you met the boys outside, I’m not surprised you needed some _fresh_ air.

Eva took his bag, handed him a beer, ordered him to sit down and said that she would put his beer in the fridge. Even didn’t mind. All the adrenaline had seeped out of him, and now his legs felt like jelly. He thanked Eva and notice a open spot between Isak and Jonas in the sofa. He smiled to them both as he sat down between them.

Isak smiled back, but didn’t say anything.

Even leant back and took a sip from his beer. His hand trembled a little, but he doubted that anyone noticed.

Isak seemed a little tense next to him, but apart from that, he seemed alright.

– You okay? Even asked, raising his eyebrows.

Isak nodded. – I’m fine, he said. His eyes were dark, and he was tense around the mouth. – What happened wasn’t cool, but I guess there’s nothing I can do about it.

– I suppose, Even sighed. – I don’t think you have to worry, though. It was just drunk talk.

– Yeah. Maybe. So, what’s up? Isak asked. – You disappeared?

So. Isak really didn’t get that Even ran after Emma.

Even shrugged. – Yeah, I just needed some air. I guess I got a little triggered or something. The whole thing reminded me of something.

Well, it wasn’t a lie. It was only partly the truth.

Even didn’t know why he didn’t tell Isak that he had talked to Emma. Maybe he was a little embarrassed. He had run after Emma like some protective cro magnon man, or something. Isak didn’t need protection. He probably didn’t want Even to do that. It just felt wrong.

Isak looked at him. – I’m sorry, he said. – Was it about how you… uhm... kissed Mikael and stuff?

Even nodded. He leaned into Isak and lowered his voice. – I guess it reminded me of how I was kinda forced to come out. When I was manic, you know. Suddenly everybody knew, and I heard all kinds of rumors.

Isak stared at him with wide eyes. – Fuck, that must have been rough. I’m sorry.

– Thanks. I feel better now.

The two of them sat in silence for a moment. The room was filled with noise and activities, but they were like in this silent bubble. Even’s thoughts went to their talk outside.

It had felt like they had opened up to each other a little, there on the bench. Even couldn’t quite believe that he actually had told Isak about how he had kissed Mikael. Isak had told him what he had done with Jonas and Eva, too. In fact, the two of them had more in common than Even had thought. And Isak had said that they could keep seeing each other. As friends. Their talk had been kinda nice, until Emma interrupted them.

Even took a sip of his beer and sighed. He leaned closer to Isak and lowered his voice. – Do you know why Emma and that other girl were here in the first place?

– Emma? Jonas, who had been busy talking to Mahdi, was suddenly in their faces. Even was surprised he had picked up her name in all the chatter. – Emma was here?

Isak nodded. – Yeah, she was, with a friend, he said, looking grumpy. – I don’t know why. Did someone invite her?

– Well, we saw her yesterday, and it might have slipped out that we were having a party, Jonas said, shrugging. – She’s cute, and she has some cute friends, too. Mahdi kinda liked her friend, Mari. Why do you look so annoyed? I thought you liked Emma?

Even didn’t miss the quick look Isak shot him. – Uh, no, I didn’t, really. I met her through the app, too, so… It’s not like I can date her anyway.

Jonas nodded. – Right, the rules… Well what happened? Did they just leave?

– Yeah. Emma was too drunk, Even explained. – Her friend took her home.

– Alright, Jonas nodded. He seemed to have lost interest. His eyes were on Eva, who was dancing with Chris and Sana. Even wasn’t surprised when Jonas got up and walked over to her.

Even had to smile. – Uhm, your buddy doesn’t quite seem to be over Eva? he asked Isak.

– Probably not, Isak answered, looking a little uncomfortable. He was shifting in his seat.

 _Oh. Right._ Isak still felt guilty about that.

Even realized that he should change the subject. – So, Emma… how do Jonas and the guys know her?

Isak shrugged. – The boys bumped into Emma and me on her first and only cuddle session, he explained. – I might have seemed a little flirty, so… They thought that I liked her. I guess she thought so, too.

– Ah, Even smiled. – That explains why she’s so into you. Uhm. I mean, when you keep rejecting her so clearly. It’s not… I _can_ get why she’s into you.

Isak just stared at Even. – Uhm... I guess. When I tried to pull back she just didn’t seem to get it.

Even nodded. For a second he wondered if that was what Isak was doing with him as well. Just the thought of it hurt. But then he realized that it was silly to think like that. They were just becoming buddies, after all. – Yeah, he said. – I’m sure she won’t say anything.

Isak kept staring at him. His green eyes were wide. – You think so?

– Yeah, I really do.

Even knew that he probably should tell Isak that he had talked to Emma. It just felt like it was too late now.

In the end, Isak seemed to relax a bit about the whole thing. – It’s weird, he whispered at one moment, when nobody else was around. – A part of me would be relieved to be out. I just wish it could happen on my terms, you know.

Even nodded, feeling something churn in his stomach again. He knew that feeling all too well. He knew how it was to be outed with no control at all. – It should be on your own terms, he said. – I hope you get that. And not like when I had to come out.

– Fuck, yeah, that sounded so shitty.

Even nodded. – Yeah, well it was. It’s better now, though. I’ve got kind of a new start, right? Starting at a new school and everything.

– Right, Isak smiled. For some reason, his smile looked a little strained.

Even wondered if he should tell Isak where he was about to start, but just then Sana sat down next to him, and nudged his shoulder. – Hi, she said. – How are you doing?

– Alright, Even smiled, as he silently wondered if Isak could understand that Sana knew him from before. He didn’t know why he still wanted to keep it a secret. He just wanted some control, that was all.

Isak, however, looked kind of distanced in his eyes. – Uhm, I should find another beer, he said, and then he was off to the kitchen.

Sana smiled to Even. – I like that you hang with us all, Even, she said. – It’s nice to see you again.

– It’s nice to see you too, Sana, Even smiled. – How’s Elias? And the others?

Sana laughed. – Nothing new there. They’re still being silly all the time.

Even had to laugh, even if it hurt a little. – Sounds familiar.

He could see that she had to hold back a question, so he nudged her. – How are you doing? You seem to like it better at Nissen?

Sana snorted. – Yeah, well that’s not strange. Urra was horrible.

Even sighed. – I know. Nissen must feel like starting over, then?

Sana nodded, and smiled a little as she looked at the girls dancing. – Yeah, it kinda is.

– Actually, I am hoping for a new start too, Even admitted. – I have transferred to a new school.

Sana looked surprised. – That’s great, Even.

– Yeah.

They both shared careful smiles over their sort of common situation. Even raised his beer. – To a new start, he said.

– A new start, Sana smiled.

That was the moment when Chris chose to drag Sana up to dance, and Even joined them. He had a lot more fun than he’d had in a long time.

The party turned out to be quite alright, actually. They all talked, and drank, and laughed, and the night was over in a blink. Nobody got too drunk, or sick, and Even managed to keep a safe distance from Isak, no matter how frustratingly hot he was. Well, he managed to steal a long hug when he said his goodbye. The hug was a simple enough gesture – affection, perhaps the fragile beginnings of a deeper friendship. Isak’s arms holding him were soft, yet strong. The feel of Isak’s body so close to his soothed him more than he had expected. But within seconds he pulled away, his mind swam with the heady excitement of the two of them together and he knew he had to withdraw so as not to be overwhelmed.

When Even went home, he felt alright. His worries were still there in the back of his mind, but they were calmer, and he managed to push them away. He had three new numbers on his phone, and was added to a chat with Isak, Magnus, Mahdi and Jonas. He had a bunch of new friends. Also, he was not too drunk and he had done nothing stupid.

Maybe this was possible, after all; maybe he could manage to stay friends with Isak. Maybe he could get a new start.

##  **Isak: We’re just friends**

When Even came back to the party, after Emma yelled at them, Isak was relieved more than anything else. He had feared that Even would run out of his life. That Emma had managed to scare him away.

In the moment Isak saw Even’s back disappear in the dark, he had forced away his fears of being outed. Isak knew there was nothing he could do, anyway. And if Emma wanted to report him, what would it matter? She had nothing on him. Yeah, she could spread rumors, but that was it. He could live with that. It wasn’t what he wanted, but he realized that he could live with it.

He was stronger now than he was a couple of months ago. He had a home in Kollektivet, he had support from Eskild and Linn and most likely from the boys, too. Even the girls seemed kinda supportive. It would be horrible to be outed against his will, but he would survive. After all, he had survived worse things before.

The only thing he feared right now, was Even leaving. They had just met again, and talked about stuff , and he didn’t want to lose that. And Even… Isak didn’t know what Even’s deal was. To be honest, Isak didn’t know what to think at all, so he decided to focus on the party instead.

So Isak left the bench and Even’s bag with beer (in case he came back) and walked back to the party.

Inside the house, Isak tried to drown his worries in beer. But not too much, not so much that he would start saying things he shouldn’t. When the others asked where Even had gone, he said he didn’t know.

However, then Even’s text came, and Isak didn’t understand shit. _I’m sorry I bailed?_ And thenEven disappeared, but why? Emma wasn’t after _him_ , after all? What was his deal?

Isak didn’t know if it was the buzz from the beer or the weed or if he just was frustrated, but he texted Even back and teased him to make him come back. It was some old-school manipulation, but with a smile, it could work.

Somehow, it worked. Even came back, with his wide smile and his shiny eyes, and he charmed everybody who was at the party. Suddenly he was part of the group chat of the boys, too.

It was kind of glorious.

Isak even managed to forget about Emma because of Even. Somehow, Even managed to make him trust that Emma wouldn’t do what she threatened to do.  

And now they were friends. Isak and Even. _Friends_.

After the party, they saw each other all the time. Sometimes with the rest of the group, sometimes just the two of them. Sometimes they only hung out, playing games or chatting, sometimes they went to the beach.

It was weird. It was nice. It was fucking scary, too.

Isak felt like he got to see new sides to Even every day. He got to see more of Even’s dorky side, and how nervous he was about the things he created. Isak also sensed that Even still kept some things from him. Sometimes there was a sadness in his eyes that he didn’t want to talk about. But that was okay. If Even needed to tell things on his own terms, that was fine. Of course Isak was curious, but he could keep his curiosity in check.

Well, that seemed to be the only feeling Isak managed to control somewhat. In the heady heat of August, it was as if his feelings were right under his skin. Even seemed to be everywhere, showing off his long legs and pale skin in his shorts and t-shirts in the burning sun. Sometimes he even pulled off his t-shirt and revealed a milky chest. It was impossible to look away. Isak walked around like in a haze, feeling his cheeks flush, struggling to find his voice. His stomach was heavy, and his heart pounded in his throat, threatening to break out.

Isak told himself that a crush was nothing more than lust for someone. That it didn’t change anything. But Even was still always there in his mind. Every time when Isak saw Even, that was it. Isak would be thinking about Even for the entire day. When their eyes locked, Even’s eyes burned his like he’d been staring at the sun for too long. The only thing Isak wanted was to kiss Even senseless. But they were friends, and friends didn’t do that. They had an agreement. And Even had said that he didn’t have feelings like that. Hadn’t he?

The most difficult part was the fact that Even was such an attentive and touchy guy. He was always looking, and he smiled and hugged and touched and held hands with them all, but Isak most of all. All the looks and touches left Isak breathless and wanting.

Still, he couldn’t stay away.

One warm afternoon Isak and Even sat on a big rock on the stony beach, their backs to the hot noon sun rays and feet dangling into the warmed summer water. Isak kicked lazily at the swelling waves until they fell below his toes again while toying with the idea of swimming. It would be something to do, a break from the sweltering heat. His head felt hot, the heat sinking into his hair. He slid to his side and dangled his arm down to catch the briny water with his fingertips. The stone was uncomfortably warm.

Even got abruptly to his feet and without calling out a warning to Isak, he jumped into the water. He didn’t seem to mind that his shorts got wet at all.

Isak followed him then, just like that. He dived into the water, with shorts, t-shirt and all. The sultry air was immediately replaced with the cool water. Soon his lungs clamoured for air and he kicked for the top.

When he came up for air, Even was grinning at him. Even’s eyes had a softness to them, there was something so welcoming in the bluest of blues. His wet hair reminded Isak of another time in a swimming pool. It felt like ages ago. Isak realized that he felt just a little more lost, a little more at home, each time they were together.

When Even looked at Isak like this it was as if every ounce of breath was taken from his lungs. Every time Even touched him it felt like the world stopped, leaving just the two of them. Every time Even held him close it felt like he was untying all of Isak’s knots. Holding Isak for eternity in the arms he’d somehow grown so accustomed to.

Isak had learned to love to touch Even—never really in a sexual way, of course. Never anywhere other than his face, his hands, his fluffy hair that fell in tousled locks. Even’s warmth would seep into his being and he comforted him without ever opening his mouth. Isak would melt into him, like he belonged next to Even, like Even belonged next to him. And each time before they parted the aching to be in his arms would begin anew.

Isak found a way to manage, though. He had crushed on a friend before, after all; he knew the drill. He knew what to do, and what not to do. When it got too difficult, he pulled away.

If Jonas or the other boys wondered why Isak and Even seemed so close, they didn’t say anything.

Eskild did.

– You seem to have befriended that Even guy? Eskild said one evening in the middle of August. Isak was in the kitchen. Isak was trying to contribute to their household for once, making some bread rolls. Eskild had practically pushed to do it, to be honest, saying that everybody should contribute and that they needed to spend time together. In the end, Isak had given in; he knew of a mean recipe that he could use. And some good conscience would be alright. However, he hadn’t expected to be attacked by Eskild and his questions.

– So what’s going on with Even? Are you getting along?

– Yeah, yeah, Isak muttered, as he put the small breads in the oven. – I know what you’re thinking, but we’re just friends.

– Sure, yeah, Eskild said, looking like he didn’t believe Isak at all. – Why don’t you invite him over?

Isak only glared at him. Isak had learned to appreciate Eskild, but sometimes he was just too much. – So you can interrogate him? Don’t think so.

– Linn has a date tonight, and I’m going out with some friends, Eskild said, grinning. – It’s a perfect opportunity! You can have your new friend all to yourself!

Isak stared at him. – You practically forced me to bake these things, talking about the importance of freshly baked rolls and quality time and whatnot, and then you just leave? What’s the point?

Eskild shrugged, and he didn’t look guilty at all. – Something came up, baby gay. By the way, if you don’t want the baking to go to waste, you can always invite someone over. Like Even.

Isak stared at him, sighing. Not just because Eskild’s attempt to matchmaking was so painfully obvious. But because he realized that even though he knew Eskild was playing him, and even though he realized that inviting Even was a stupid idea, he would probably end up doing it anyway.

##  **Even: But I don’t know what to do**

In the weeks after the party, Even definitely tried to be Isak’s friend.

He would have loved to spend time with Isak every day, but he managed to keep some days busy working at KB and working on his video project. He contacted Isak a time or two, though, texting about silly things, and they hung out a couple of times, too. They were friendly. Carefully friendly.

Even guessed that their polite friendliness partly was a result of Emma’s interference. Isak seemed to let down his shoulders as he noticed that nobody was talking about him. Still, Even was pretty sure that her words had made Isak more careful.

Even knew that it was for the best to keep everything like that, but it didn’t mean that it was easy. Every time he saw Isak, he felt the same pull, the same attraction. To be honest, Even was slowly growing more and more desperate, pining for Isak in silence. And Isak was just so hot, smart and snarky (in a dorky way), and his smile kept giving Even a warm rush of feelings through his body. As if that was not enough, Even learned that Isak had a questionable, but always honest, taste for movies, that he could rant about the strangest things for hours, and he was quite passionate about music. It was cute, it was intriguing. He was always so kind, too. Well, to be honest he was kind of grumpy at times, but mostly just… kind. And sometimes… Sometimes Isak had such a lost look in his eyes, that all Even wanted to do, was to pull him close and hug him.

Well, he did that a lot, actually. Even was a touchy feely kind of guy, and as long as Isak agreed to meet him, Even would take the opportunities he got to get physical. Not without consent, of course. He hugged Isak when they greeted each other, and patted him on the back from time to time, but if he ever crossed that line, he always asked.

– Is this okay? he asked one warm evening, when they were sitting in Even’s room and watching one of his favourite movies. They were sitting on his couch, and Even leaned his head on Isak’s shoulder. His voice sounded kind of ragged, because he couldn’t believe that he actually dared to do this. He had just felt so relaxed and dozy, and he needed to lean into Isak.

– Yeah, Isak whispered, as if they had to be quiet for some reason. He leaned his chin on top of Even’s head for a moment. Then they both kept watching the movie. Well, Even was mostly focusing on the heat from Isak’s body, and the smell of him, while the movie rolled over the screen.

That same evening, when he came from the kitchen or the bathroom or something, he had caught Isak staring at his clippings and drawings on the wall. – Enjoying the view? he asked.

– Yeah. Did you draw this? Isak asked, and looked at him.

Even moved closer, so they stood side by side. – Yeah.

– Cool. I like them, Isak smiled.

And that smile made Even so happy, that he didn’t quite know how to contain it. – Thanks, but it’s just something I doodled, he said, – but uh… can I give you a hug?

– Yeah, Isak breathed, looking a little surprised but glad.

So they hugged and Isak’s arms were warm and strong around Even. His body felt strangely familiar by now, the way it moved, and smelled, even the sound of his heart beating.

Another time, when they had been out swimming, they were taking the tram back home. They were sitting next to each other in their clothes that were still damp from the water, and they were eagerly talking about something, when Even put his hand on Isak’s knee. Well, it was more his thigh than his knee, but Even didn’t realize how intimate that touch probably was for Isak, before he had done it.

– Uh, sorry, he muttered, and was about to withdraw. – I know you… like to keep your space.

But Isak put his hand on Even’s and kept it in place. He was blushing, but it wasn’t easy to tell if it was because of the heat or because of something else. – Don’t be, he said. – It’s okay, I swear. I know you’re a touchy guy. I mean, you’re probably pretty normal. I’m kind of the odd one here, I think.

– You’re not odd, Isak. People have different… sizes of their personal spaces.

Isak giggled. He actually giggled. – Well mine is bigger than yours, then. At least in that department. Although, I think my cuddler job has made mine shrink a little, too.

Even had laughed, and the laughter eased the tension in his belly. But then he got serious. This was serious. He bumped his shoulder into Isak’s, and put his arm around him. – Just tell me if it gets weird, okay? Promise?

Isak’s eyes were so wide, and so sincere then. – As long as you promise not to hold back. It’s okay that you touch me, you know. I won’t explode or anything.

Even just smiled. Because he had suspected that a lot of hugging and touching would make _him_ feel like he was going to explode, anyway. _Fuck_ , he had been so gone for Isak for such a long time now that almost anything could make him combust. He didn’t say that out loud though.

They saw each other several times, although Isak still worked a lot. Even noticed that Isak gradually worked less and less. Isak just shrugged and said that he was starting to get fed up with all the cuddles. It was good money, but he was looking for another job. Luckily, when Isak had more time, Even got to see him more.

Seeing Isak all the time, and exchanging a word or two, and hugging from time to time, was far better than not seeing him at all. He kept stealing glances every chance he got. And he kept giving Isak hugs and touches, and Isak seemed to get more and more used to it. Actually, Isak seemed to be oblivious to what he did to Even. He never protested about any of Even’s hugs or random touches. Even tried to pretend that this was just how he was, with everyone, and that it meant nothing. Of course, it meant everything.

It meant so much that Even actually told his therapist about his crush. And that said a lot. His therapist, Karoline, was cool, but Even knew that she would think of a crush as something that could influence his bipolar disorder. Well, he _thought_ he knew. She surprised him when she shrugged and said – A lot of things can influence you, Even, crushing is just a part of life. It’s not worse than the other things you indulge in at times.

Karoline smiled a little and he knew she hinted at him drinking an occasional beer and smoking a joint from time to time. – Stick to your plan, she said. – You’re taking your meds. Chill.

Even had to chuckle a little at her trying to talk like a kid. Then he remembered Isak, and he sighed. – But I don’t know what to do, he said.

– Do you think _I_ know? Karoline smiled. – You have to figure this out yourself, I’m afraid. But Isak sounds like a cool guy. Talk to him.

Yeah, like it was that easy. In the end, Even chose to postpone that talking part. But Karoline’s words calmed him a little.

One Saturday evening, in the middle of August, Isak invited Even to come over. He had baked an extra big load of bread rolls, he said. Apparently, his flatmate Eskild had challenged him to contribute to “their small community”, and Isak had pulled out this old recipe. However, his flatmates had stood him up and he wanted to share. So Even turned up, thrilled to finally see Isak’s place. _Kollektivet_. It seemed like such a grown up place for a kid like Isak. Even didn’t comment on it.

Isak welcomed him with a warm hug and a small smile, and it made Even feel at ease at once. Well, he was both tense and at ease at the same time, to be honest. It was a weird mix of feelings that he was starting to get used to around Isak.

Isak made him tea and they ate the rolls with butter and cheese and some brown cheese that Isak’s flatmate, Linn, had in the fridge. They talked and laughed and Isak smiled his wide grin, and Even wanted to stop time so that he could keep that moment forever. Instead he smiled carefully and enjoyed the food. They chatted about all sorts of things, and Even talked, and listened, and felt so good that he couldn’t quite believe it. It took a while before he realized what the warm feeling in his gut was, and it was _home_. He was here, alone with Isak, and he felt at home, like he belonged here.

 _Damn_ , he was fucked.

Still, they kept the talk light that evening. Isak didn’t say much about his reasons for moving from home, just as Even didn’t say much about his illness. Or what happened with his friends. Or Sonja. But they talked about everything and nothing, and it felt kind of important. Especially when they ended up on the sofa, and Isak clicked the remote, searching for some mindless show to watch.

– I never got to see your video, Isak said, suddenly.

 _Oh, yeah_. The cuddle video, with Isak and Even cuddling and talking...

Even hesitated. – Uhm… Right. I don’t know…

Isak looked curious, and a little amused. – What, are you nervous about showing it, or what?

Even shrugged. He didn’t know why he was still hesitant to show it. He didn’t need an excuse to keep meeting Isak anymore. They were friends now. Was he just nervous?

– Maybe. Uhm. I don’t know if it will work, he said slowly, – but I do have a copy on my phone.

– Let’s watch it then, Isak grinned. – Can we get it on the TV? Or my laptop?

In the end they found a way to show it on Isak’s laptop, that they rested on their knees between them. Just as Even pressed play, he realized that he _was_ nervous. He was shitting his pants, basically. What if it was awful? Even was afraid that Isak would hate it, or that it would be too transparent how much he crushed on Isak.

The video would be the first episode in a series with five. The second would be about a secret boyfriend app, the third about dating apps like Grindr and Tinder, the fourth about grandparent apps and the last one would be about friend apps. He told Isak as much, as the intro started, and hoped that he distracted Isak from watching the video.

Isak, however, was watching the video with full concentration. – Shush, he said. – If you’re going to keep disturbing me you should find something else to do.

Even didn’t know about that. He had seen the film hundreds of times, but he wanted to stay near. So he just leaned back a little while he watched Isak and the video.

As an introduction, Even had started out with the questions he had in the very beginning. – Are we really willing to rely on an app to facilitate personal and intimate relationships? he asked, rhetorically. His first example would be something as vulnerable and intimate as cuddling. – And what does that say about our relationship to technology and each other? he had asked.

In the following clip he showed how he struggled to install the app (and Isak chuckled a little at that) and said some more to explain how the cuddle app worked. Then he showed the highlights from their cuddle and talk in the park. Although Even had watched those clips over and over again, it was almost painful to watch again. In his eyes, his own interest in Isak was obvious, even there from the start. And their hug had been so sweet. Isak looked amazing. He also looked younger. How was it possible that he had grown so much older in just a few months? And his answers were so thoughtful and good.

If this video series got some interest, Isak would have a lot to do with that.

After the part by the bench, Even had added a short interview with Vilde. The two of them were sitting on another bench, talking.

– What’s with the benches? Isak asked, smiling. – Is it a recurring theme or something?

Even just smiled, because, it kind of ended up being one.

Vilde talked about how she saw cuddling as a way to spread some love. It was kind of cringey, and Isak huffed a little, but Even had let her talk through the guidelines for the cuddlers and it worked to show that the cuddlers tried to handle things professionally.

The talk with Vilde was followed by the things he filmed in his own room the night when Isak fell asleep in his bed. Fuck, it felt like ages ago. Even introduced the part talking a little about toxic masculinity, since that was part of the theme they talked about. Isak nodded a little at that. Then, Even joked about how he had phoned Isak on his horrible 17th of May, and Isak laughed again.

Even had to fight to keep calm, and not let Isak see how his reactions affected him. He still couldn't help staring at Isak, especially when Isak laughed so much that his whole body shook.

In the clip they were hugging on his sofa, and talking. Even had cut away the part where Isak talked about his dad (he didn’t know if it was too personal) but he had kept the part where Isak talked about getting to hug people without expectations.

He had also kept in some of their talk in the bunk bed. He was pleased with filming it from the ceiling, but it felt almost a little too intimate. The worst was, that he had kept the part where he said – This is nice, in his very husky voice, and it was very evident that he enjoyed the hug _so much_. And Isak looked amazing, as he was shutting his eyes and was showing off his long dark eyelashes and pink cheeks.

Isak stared at the video, and his green eyes shone with amusement and something that looked like embarrassment.

Even had cut away the part where Even almost had combusted with lust, and then they were talking about fate. Even had kept in Isak’s quote about the infinite universes, but cut it before either of them got too personal.

He had finished the whole section talking to the camera about how the cuddle app was an amazing way to get cuddles and conversations, but that it of course lacked something compared to real relationships. As to what it said about humans and their relationship to technology, he didn’t have any clear answer yet. Only that technology seemed to make life easier at the same time as it could be problematic. Even couldn’t help feeling that he sounded like a douche.

When the video ended, Isak stared at him with wide eyes. He was silent for a long time.

– What? Even said, nervously. – Was it that bad?

Isak shook his head. – Fuck, no. It was damn good, Even, he said, and smiled. – You even made me sound slightly intelligent…

Even frowned. – I didn’t make you into anything that you aren’t, he said. – But was it okay? Do you think it could work?

Isak nodded. – It could definitely work. Hell, this is better than many other documentaries I’ve seen. – And I don’t say this to be kind. Bros tell each other the truth.

Even huffed. – Bros, uh? Talk about toxic mascu…

– Oh, shut up, Isak laughed.

Even had to laugh too, he was so delighted.  

So, they didn’t talk about the big things that day. They just talked about this and that and watched his video. Still, from that day, Even knew that they were becoming friends for real. Friends who ate together from time to time. Friends who had tea together. Friends who watched movies, played FIFA, or hung with their other friends. Friends who hugged and touched and comforted each other.

Friends who shouldn’t be pining for each other.

##  **Isak: Just don’t fall in Love**

The end of August turned out to be frustratingly hot. The days rolled on as the heat pressed in on everyone and made it difficult to move. Isak didn’t want to move at all. He was working less and less and spending more and more time with Even. He knew it wasn’t healthy at all. He should protect himself, and his heart. But he couldn’t help himself.

For so long he had longed for something like this, for feelings like this. Of course, he would have preferred to have these feelings for someone attainable, but still… There was something addictive about it. And now he couldn't bear to lose it—lose this thing that made him feel so strongly.

He knew that the summer was ending soon, though. And then Even would start at a new school, and they wouldn’t be able to see each other as much anymore. He didn’t like to think about it.

One warm evening the whole group of boys were sitting in the skate bowl, and they were watching Jonas doing tricks on his skateboard.

Isak had brought a skateboard, too, but he was too hot to move. Nothing and no-one moved in this heat unless they were desperate, anyway.

The boys were talking and laughing. Isak did not say anything–did not know what to say. He was peculiarly conscious of Even sitting next to him, his arm near his. Even smoked lazily, in silence. He was sprawled out on the ground in shorts and a t-shirt, his skin kissed golden over the light muscles of his arms. Something about that new hue, perhaps reflecting the blue in his eyes, made Isak’s heart leap.

The boys were talking about the end of summer coming up. Isak ran his hand over the rough ground and felt his insides squirm. He wondered where Even would go, all he said was he was going to transfer somewhere.

Isak could feel his hair stick to the perspiration on his face and his temples. His hands started to shake a little, all he could do was to swipe the sweat from his forehead and hope to look casual.

Then Even said:

– So, guys, you never asked me what school I’m transferring to?

He smiled one of his blinding smiles, but Isak thought he looked a little nervous.

Isak swallowed. He had thought about asking several times already, but he almost feared the answer. He didn’t want the summer to end.

– Yo, you’re transferring? Magnus asked. – Where to?

Even smiled a small smile. He threw Isak a quick glance before he answered. – Nissen.

– What the hell? Isak blurted out, before he had the time to think. He glared at Even. – Why didn’t you tell me?

Even’s eyes were wide, but he was laughing. – You never asked!

– Still, you should have told me. Us.

Isak’s annoyance melted away, and he could only smile. How could he not smile? _Nissen_! Even was going to their school! They wouldn’t lose contact, after all. He would be able to hang around with him every day.

– Nissen, huh, he said, smiling.

Even smiled, too, and shrugged. – Yeah, it seemed alright.

– That’s so cool, Mahdi grinned, and Magnus gave Even a hug.

– Yes, it is!

Suddenly they were all hugging and patting Even on the back. Jonas came over to hear what the fuss was about, too.

Isak saw nothing but Even’s wide smile, and he knew he was fucked, but he didn’t really care. For the first time in forever, he looked forward to starting school again.

At the first day of school after the summer, Isak was excited. When he met the other boys in the school yard, Even seemed pretty excited, too. He was smiling when he saw Isak, and his eyes shone.

During the first days, it became clear that Even fitted in well at Nissen. Isak saw him around all the time, always smiling and laughing. Sometimes he hung with the girls, sometimes with Isak and the boys, and sometimes with some of the guys in his class. Isak could see that he was doing well. Tired, but good.

Things were pretty good for both of them, really.

Well, Isak still struggled to sleep. At night, all his worries seemed to double in size, and he couldn’t let them go. Some nights he didn’t get more than an hour of two of sleep. In fact, he struggled so much, that he complained to the boys about it.

One evening in the beginning of September, when they were all playing TV games at Jonas’ place, Jonas called him out on it.

– You have to do something about it, Isak, Jonas said. – You can’t go on like this.

– Yeah but what can I do? Isak groaned.

Of course, the boys had so much advice to give.

– You need better bedtime routines, Isak.

– Meditation works!

– You should turn off all the lights earlier.

– Warm milk!

Even just looked at him while the others threw out their ideas.

Isak just sighed. – Don’t you think I have tried all that?

Even smiled then. – Maybe you just need more cuddles? You’ve been working less and less lately?

Isak just scoffed, blushing a little as he thought of Even’s cuddles. – Nah, I slept badly when I cuddled more, too.

 _Not when I cuddled you though_ , he thought. He had slept like a baby in Even’s bed. But he didn’t say it out loud.

– Do you lie awake thinking about stuff? Mahdi asked then. – You probably need to talk to someone.

Isak frowned. – What do you mean, like a therapist or something?

Even sent him a long look and a crooked smile. – A therapist doesn’t have to be so bad, you know!

Isak blushed, hoping that he hadn’t insulted Even or something. – I know… I just... It feels like a little much.

Jonas smiled a slow smile then. – Well, you can always talk to us, right?

Isak stared at him. And of course, Jonas was right. But would Isak ever dare to talk to them about these things that kept him awake at night?

He just hummed an answer, still pondering over that question.

The talk dissolved into another topic after that, but the question stuck with Isak. Later that night, when Jonas said that it was getting late, and everybody left, Isak stayed behind. He took a deep breath. – I wondered if we could… have some tea or something? Isak asked. – If it’s not too late?

– Tea? Jonas laughed.

– Yeah, I don’t know, and talk a little?

The smile that Jonas gave him, warmed his heart. – Of course.

Jonas put the kettle on while Isak sat down at the kitchen table. Isak let out a sigh. – I don’t really know what I need to talk about. But if I need to talk about the things that keep me awake, I guess I can start with… Uhm…

Yeah. What should he start with? His worries about his mom? Jonas mostly knew about that, anyway. His guilt about what he did against Eva and Jonas? Could he ever tell Jonas that? What about his feelings for Even?

Jonas looked at him from the kitchen counter. – I know that things have been rough at home, he said, as if he was trying to help Isak to start.

– Yeah, it’s been pretty shitty, Isak sighed. While Jonas made the tea, Isak told him a short version about how things had escalated and how he moved out from home.

– But why didn’t you contact me sooner? Jonas asked, as he put their mugs on the table.

Isak hesitated, as he warmed his hands on the mug. The tea was just a little too hot. – I, uh… Well, first of all, I felt too guilty. And I didn’t want to bother you.

– Guilty?

 _Oh fuck._ He had to say it. This was really about to happen.

He took a sip of his tea. It tasted just a little bit too sweet. – Yeah. Uhm. I hope you won’t hate me for this, but… I did some stupid shit this past winter. I kinda fucked up things between you and Eva.

Jonas stared at him. – You what? Do you mean, when you spread the thing about Eva kissing Chris?

_Wait, what?_

Isak’s mouth dropped open. – You knew?

Jonas shrugged, and leaned back in his chair. – Yeah. Eva never said anything, but Isabell mentioned it once. She had heard it from Ingrid or Sara, I don’t know.

Isak stared at him. – But uh… why… You never said anything? Don’t you… like, hate me for it?

Jonas looked like he was thinking for a moment. – I heard it a while after Eva and I broke up, and maybe it didn’t hit me as hard. I mean, I didn’t get why you did it, so that bothered me a bit. I wondered if you did it to protect me, maybe? Or maybe you had other motives? I just… I decided to let it be.

– Just like that, Isak muttered.

– Yeah. To be honest I felt so shitty about how things went down with Eva, anyway. I was quite selfish when I was with her, you know. So I guess I didn’t feel like I could blame you for anything.

Isak didn’t know what to say at all.

Jonas released a sigh. – What you did wasn’t right, but you shouldn’t feel guilty about it anymore. I mean it. You’ve talked to Eva about it, right?

– Yeah. How did you know that?

Jonas blushed a little. – Well, I asked her. She said you two had talked.

– But didn’t you wonder why I did it in the first place?

Jonas shrugged. He stared into his mug, like he was looking for something. – Yeah. As I said, at first I guessed you did it to protect me or something? In the end I just didn’t care that much about it.

Isak felt so relieved he couldn’t believe it. The tension that had kept him tight like a string for months melted into nothing. _Jonas had known!_ And he didn’t hate him! A slow smile grew on Isak’s face. _Well, well._ This talking business wasn’t so bad after all.

He took another sip of his tea, thinking. There was still one thing he needed to tell someone, though. He needed to tell Jonas who he was. It was about time.

– I have to tell you something more, he said, with his heart beating heavily in his chest.

Jonas looked at him. He didn’t look anxious at all. – Yeah?

Isak’s throat felt dry. He swallowed. – Yeah. I, uh,  have a crush on someone, and I shouldn’t.

Jonas looked intrigued, but not really surprised. – Oh?

Isak took a deep breath. – Yeah. It’s someone you know, actually. But, I don’t know…

– Yeah? Who?

Isak hesitated. It felt like his words were stuck in his throat. – Can you guess?

Jonas sighed, but smiled and played along. – Okay… Is it Emma?

– No, I don’t like Emma, Isak frowned, trying not to think too much about that annoying girl. He took a deep breath. About time to get this over with. Fuck, why was this so difficult? – It’s uh… it’s not a girl.

Jonas hardly reacted. He looked thoughtful. – Oh. Uh… Is it me, then?

Isak came out with a startled laugh (if he only knew). – No, no, no, no…

Jonas cocked his head. – Is it Even?

And something in the way he asked, made Isak wonder if Jonas had guessed that earlier. That guessing himself was just something he did, to release the tension, maybe.

 _Fuck_ , Jonas knew him well.

– Yeah, Isak admitted, with a sigh. – It’s Even. Uhm. You don’t really seem surprised?

Jonas shrugged and smiled. – I just had this feeling, I don’t know. You two seem kind of close, it’s hard to miss. And well, he’s a handsome guy.

Isak laughed. – Are you for real?

– Well, he is!

They both laughed, and Isak felt so light. Lighter than he had felt in years.

The two of them sat in silence for a moment, before Jonas spoke: – So what’s happening, with Even?

Isak sighed. – Nothing, really. You know, I have these rules to follow, and Even… well, you know, he has a girlfriend. They’re on a break, but. She’s still there, right?

– Yeah.

Jonas frowned, and looked like he was thinking for a moment. – He should break up with his girlfriend. Actually, you should tell him to.

– What?

– Tell him to break up with his girlfriend or else!

– Or else what?

– Or else he should stay away.

Isak smiled, but shook his head. – I can’t do that. We’re only friends.

Jonas only hummed. – I still think it’s the best thing to do, he muttered in the end.

Isak shrugged, and they sat in silence for a moment.

Jonas yawned and smiled a little. – Well, this talk should do wonders for your sleep, right?

Isak chuckled. Somehow, he doubted that. It felt good to talk, but he still had a few too many questions in his head. – Yeah, I’m sure it will, he said, anway. – I should get home, and test it out.

He gave Jonas a bro hug and walked home to the flat.

Eskild was on his way from the bathroom when Isak came in, and he greeted Isak with a grin and a good night, giving Isak these slightly dad-vibes he sometimes gave. Isak gave him a shy smile and went straight to his room.

Isak’s room welcomed him, with the white curtains covered by an orange blanket. The blanket was a futile attempt to keep the light out. Isak liked to imagine that the orange kept out the ultraviolet light so that it helped his melatonin production so that he could sleep, but he knew better. An orange blanket was far from enough. Still, it was his, just as the almost empty bookshelf, the bright yellow night stand, the clippings on the wall, his bed, and his games. Home.

Well, it was as close to a home that he could feel right now.

He sat down at the end of the bed, realizing that he was tired, but far too restless to be able to sleep.

That was when his phone pinged.

_So, did you get to talk some worries away?_

Isak felt his heart jump a little. _Even_ . He smiled, and texted: _So you guessed huh?_

_Yeah, I noticed how you hesitated when we all left. I was pretty sure that you were hoping to talk to Jonas._

Isak blushed a little when he realized how transparent he must have been. Or maybe Even was just very observant? _Yeah,_ he texted. _I did. It wasn’t bad. I still doubt that I will sleep._

_Oh, I’m sorry. I know the feeling, though. It’s been difficult to fall asleep lately, and when I wake up, I feel just as tired._

_Yeah, right?! Ugh I think I need something more than talking._

_Well, I still think you need more cuddles. I know that I would sleep better with cuddles._

Isak blushed. _You think so, huh?_

_Yeah you slept like a baby after we cuddled on 17 May, remember?_

Oh yeah. He remembered.

_I guess so._

_Well then. You definitely need more cuddles like that._

Isak texted out an answer before he had time to regret it: _Well, is that an offer?_

Isak had to wait for the answer for a moment. Then it came: _I would love to. But isn’t it against your rules? Or could it work if it isn’t a professional cuddle?_

Isak stared at the words. Even had offered, but gave him a chance to back off. Isak swallowed. Then, with his pulse drumming in his ears, he wrote an answer: _I guess it’s not against the rules to cuddle, as long it’s not through the service._

_Well, why don’t we do it? It’s true that I struggle to sleep myself right now, and I know some human contact would help. If you like, I can be over in a few minutes. No problem._

_I guess,_ Isak texted. And then: _Just cuddles?_

Isak didn’t get an answer. Five minutes went, then ten. In the end, he realized that Even must have fallen asleep. Ah well, that was just his luck, then. He pushed away the feeling of disappointment. He would have to fight this alone tonight. He went into the bathroom, brushed his teeth and threw off his trousers so that he could sleep in his boxers and t-shirt.

Then his phone pinged again.

_Just cuddles, yeah. :) So… I don’t want to wake your flatmates. But I’m here._

Isak’s heart sped up at once. _Oh fuck!_ Even was here!

Isak went to buzz Even in, and in the delighted panic he didn’t even remember to put on some trousers.

Even knocked on the door, and there Even was, in jammies and a big jacket. Isak couldn’t hold back a wide grin. – Ready for bed, huh?

He crossed his arms, striving for a cool nonchalance he didn’t really feel. Even, on the other hand, was the epitome of chill, worse with his big jacket on. He looked both devastating and edible.

Even’s smile shone. – Yes I am. And for cuddles. And so are you, I see.

– Uhm yeah.

Isak couldn’t stop himself from drinking Even in. Isak had hardly said anything and still he felt sort of lost. Fucker probably didn’t even think about him that much. This was just cuddles.

Even looked like he was waiting for Isak to say something, and rocked on the balls of his feet. He most likely was waiting. Isak swallowed. The anxiety and anticipation made his skin prickle. He flashed Even a shy smile. – Come in.

He watched as Even stepped out of his shoes and hung up his jacket. He looked damn snuggly in his pyjamas. Oh, this could become interesting.

– This is probably just a stupid idea, Isak said, feeling nervous.

– Yeah, probably, Even nodded. – But it’s still worth a try, right?

– Uhm yeah.

They went to Isak’s bedroom.

Even hesitated by the door. – Soo… the talk with Jonas was good then? he asked.

– Yeah, Isak said, as he crawled into bed. He waved Even over. – I told him pretty much all the shit I could think of.

Even smiled, and walked over to the bed. He crawled into bed next to Isak. – Great. Even that thing you told me? About him and Eva?

– Yeah, fuck, man, Isak laughed, blushing. – He knew, though! Someone had told him a long time ago!

He wondered if Even could see how relieved he was. If he understood how important this was to him. Even just smiled as he snuggled into the duvet. – Well, that must have been a relief?

– It sure was.

There was a silence between them as they looked at each other.

– You should talk to someone, too, you know, Isak said in the end. He moved closer to Even and snuggled closer to him. – It was really good.

Even moved closer, too. – Yeah. Well, I have my therapist. And right now, cuddling is enough, I think, he said, and his hand moved around Isak’s middle, warm and soft. In seconds Even’s body was moulded to Isak’s, sharing his body heat as easily as he shared his heart. Isak always struggled to let others be close to him, but Even was so different. There was a purity to Even, naivety perhaps, but he was impossible not to like.

– Yeah, I agree, Isak said.

They snuggled together on the bed.  

– I can tell you one thing, though, Even muttered, into his neck. – I just realized that I never told you. I’m pansexual.

– Oh, Isak said, glad that the darkness hid the heat in his cheeks. He had guessed that Even was bi or pan, but he had never dared to ask. – Cool. I am gay. I think.

– Cool. Uhm. Thanks for telling me.

– Mhm, same, Isak yawned. This was kind of huge, and he wanted to talk more about it, but right now he just wanted to _be_.

In the darkness their cuddles were warm, soft, cozy. Isak wished he could extend the night just so he could stay close to Even for longer, safe in his embrace.

– So warm, Even whispered and eagerly wrapped his arms around Isak’s waist. – My bed was cold.

– Yeah...isn't this better? Isak muttered. He looked down and saw that Even was half asleep, his eyes opening at Isak’s question. He barely nodded, his eyes slipping closed.

Isak poked Even’s nose and held him close, brushing a strand of dark blonde hair away from his face. Even sniffed and buried his face in Isak’s chest.

Isak wrapped his arms tighter around Even and hugged him close. – I bet you're tired, he said as Even’s arms encircled his waist and his head lolled onto Isak’s shoulder.

– Maybe, Even murmured with a tiny sigh. Isak smiled happily as a few minutes later Even went limp.

Isak sighed. Even’s arms wrapped right around him brought him a peace he’d never known before, a calming of the storms in his heart. In Even’s embrace he started to believe that there was nothing out there to fear. Soon though, he would be alone again. He didn’t allow himself to think about that. He just wanted to enjoy the warmth, and the peace.

Just a few moments later, the world went away.

The next morning, Isak awoke feeling more rested than he had been in a long time. He ignored the boner between his legs, that was trying to get his attention.  

– It worked, Even muttered, still with a sleepy voice. – We should do this every night.

– Uhm… yeah, Isak answered. He thought for a moment. – Could we, though?

– Of course, Even smiled, yawning. – Sometimes at my place and sometimes at yours. I’m sure it could work. Right?

– Maybe… Isak said as his thoughts started to spin. He slowly pulled away from Even and willed his boner away. It was damn tempting. But risky in so many ways. – So. Then… then we need to talk, he said. – If we want to do this more, we will need rules.

– You and your fucking rules, Even sighed, but not without a smile on his face. – What rules?

Isak thought for a moment. – First, the cuddling only happens in our bedrooms, when we need sleep. Secondly, no random meet-ups, where we have coffee or watch movies or do things that can be looked at like dating. No shit like that.

Even raised his eyebrows. – Wow, am I allowed to speak to you at all? What if the other boys want to meet up to have coffee or have a movie night or something? Or the girls, for that matter?

Isak sighed. – Well, that’s different, of course. We just won’t do these things _alone_.

Even still looked hesitant. – Aren’t these rules a little much? I mean, you have to admit that the rules seem kind of unnecessarily restrictive? What if we meet each other randomly, are you just going to run away?

– Don’t be silly, Isak said, trying to hide that he was starting to get nervous that Even would back off. He faked a nonchalant smile and clicked his tongue. – It is what it is, man. Are you in or not?

Even looked like he was thinking for a moment.

Isak bit his lip. – Well? Yes or no? You don’t have to agree, if it’s such a problem.

 _Fuck, would Even say no?_ Isak’s anxiety levels were skyrocketing as Even hesitated. It seemed like he’d gone overboard with the rules, and fuck if he wasn’t willing to back down on them. They were his only fail-safe, and he would be lost without them.

Luckily, Even blinked first. – Fine, he said, with a small smile. – I accept your rules then. Anything else?

Isak looked at Even. _This is stupid. It’s a disaster waiting to happen. I can’t do this. I will fall in love with you. I am already falling in love with you. Fuck, I’m fucked._

Isak faked a cocky grin. – Just don’t fall in love, I guess?

He said it as a joke, but somehow, it didn’t sound like one. Actually, he didn’t like the sound of it at all.

Even snorted, looking away. – Sure, yeah, I don’t intend to.

##  **Even: A Cuddle that isn't a Cuddle**

Even was in love. He couldn’t even fool himself into being in denial, it was that bad and that deep. Well, he had known it was a lost case in the moment Isak said the rule out loud, but still.

Isak’s eyes were closed now, lips parted as he snuggled into Even. It allowed Even the small luxury of looking at him in a way that would probably spook Isak away if he saw. They were in Isak’s room and it was late. Cuddle time.

It had only been a few days since the official start of their new cuddle arrangement. They met every night, either at Isak’s place or at Even’s. Sometimes Even would try to postpone the cuddle as long as possible, so they could maybe chat or something beforehand, because Isak would always be quick out of the bed and dressed in the morning.

Right now, Isak was here, though. Even stared at Isak’s flushed face, raked his eyes down the pale column of his throat and over his strong arms. Isak was trying to sleep, so Even continued taking full advantage of his shut eyes—pulling Isak close and watching him intensely. He kept sniffing deeply, getting high on Isak’s smell.

Isak must have sensed something, because after a while, his green eyes opened and looked at him, clouded and heavy lidded.

Even was trapped, caught with that stupid moony look on his face that he thought would have Isak reaching for his clothes and calling him stupid. Only Isak didn't do any of that, just moved closer and stuck his nose into Even’s neck. – Why aren’t you trying to sleep?

Even shivered and hugged him closer, just caught in an endless loop of falling over and over again. – I uh… I’m just thinking.

– Stop that, Isak muttered.

– Sure, sure.

It wasn’t that easy, though.

Even couldn't pinpoint when he fell in love exactly. If he had to guess, it was probably the first time he saw Isak, at that park bench. It felt like ages ago.

Even couldn't say _why_ he loved Isak; he just knew he did. He had thought he had loved Sonja and a couple of others, and maybe he really had loved them, but it was nothing like this—almost embarrassing to compare. It was wild love, stupid love, all consuming love, and it was _care_ too. How could he not love Isak?

He loved everything about Isak, the way a real conversation with Isak was all nods and eyebrows and quick smiles and physical tics. He loved how safe he felt around Isak, how complete and content he was just having him close. He couldn’t breathe when Isak was around, couldn't breathe when he wasn't. Even when Isak was being grumpy or difficult, Even couldn’t shake his stupid grin and the tightness in his chest or the butterflies in his stomach.

He was in love, and it was hopeless in every way.

Isak pulled him closer. – Stop thinking so loud, shut your eyes and go to sleep, he said.

And Even knew he had no choice but to try. He let Isak’s warmth envelope him, and soon everything around him faded away.  

The next morning, Isak was out of bed in no time, like always.

Even knew he had a problem. Deep down he knew that he couldn’t continue like this. He wasn’t just crushing on Isak anymore; this was getting serious.

Still, he seemed unable to end it.

On top of everything, September was burning hot, and Even spent several evenings hiding from the heat in his room. One evening Isak sent him an image of himself in a new band t-shirt. _So, what do you think? I wanna hear the truth no matter how flattering it is. :P_

Even smiled, and it was impossible to hold back. _You look fucking hot, Isak._

_Uhm thanks, I just liked the print._

Even laughed, and felt that familiar clenching feeling in his chest. It was constantly like this at the moment. He smiled and laughed on the outside and died on the inside. He had learned how to hide his feelings, though, also in his texts. Even tried to text as carefully as he could. Friendly, but not too friendly. Well, most of the time.

_Lol, you should learn how to take compliments, Isak._

_Yeah? Like you do it so much better, Mister Oh-this-is-just-something-I-doodled-in-a-hurry?_

_That was a badass long name._

_Well, I guess it fits a badass long dude._

_LOL._

_Well. Thank you for your compliment, Even. :) Better?_

_:D Better._

Even was smiling for a long time after that. How could he ever end something that made him smile like this?

He was still smiling a little when he went to the store to get some groceries. How was it possible that he could be pining and longing at the same time as he just wanted to smile all the time? It was weird.

He picked up the things he needed in the store, paid and went back outside, still occupied in his own thoughts.

– Oh hi, Even!

Even was startled, and looked up. Sana and Eva were on their way into the grocery store.

– Hi, girls, he smiled, and squinted a little. The September sun was shining low. He was struggling with his three bags, and had to put them down.

– Hi! Sana smiled. In spite of her smile, her brown eyes were deep and serious. – How are you doing, Even? We haven’t seen you in a while?

Well, that was true. He had sort of been in a bubble with Isak lately. As so many times before, Even felt like Sana could see right through him. That sight was probably something special, too. His feelings were all over the place, and he probably looked on edge. – Not that bad, he said, trying to sound light and cheerful. – How about you?

– Good, Eva smiled. – The sun is shining. It almost feels like summer, right? Everything’s alright then.

– Yeah, I’m good, too, Sana said, still looking at him. – You kinda look horrible, though. Or kind of horrible and good at the same time. Are you going through some heartbreak, or something?

Even hesitated. – Maybe, I suppose, he sighed. He didn’t know how it was possible that the thing with Isak could make him feel this much. Isak had messed with him in a way that nobody ever had done.

– Okay, Eva said, and pulled him to the side. Her eyes glittered with curiosity. – Spill it.

Even shrugged. – I can’t tell you who it is, but… I’ve kinda fallen for someone and it wont work, but I just can’t seem to get him out of my system, he admitted.

Sana looked at him, and Eva nodded. And Even told them as much as he could about Isak (without actually telling them about Isak), and how they had seemed to click. Even told them how he saw signs that they fitted, like in some fucking movie. He told them about how they talked, laughed and fell for each other, and ended up kissing once. How this guy had all these rules and told him that they couldn’t keep meeting.

He said too much, really. At least he was pretty sure it was too much to tell, right there in front of a grocery store. But he couldn’t help himself. He needed to share this with someone.

Sana’s eyes were serious. – Tell me… is this someone I know?

Eva gave her a quick look – That _you_ know? she asked. – Even doesn’t really know anyone but us girls? And Jonas and the boys?

Sana blushed, probably realizing that she had said too much in front of Eva. – Uhm… well...

– Uh… uhm… I just can’t tell you, Even muttered.

Eva sighed. – Fine.

– Yeah, alright, Sana said. – Well. I guess you can pine for this guy and whine about it, or you can do something.

Even jolted. His heart raced, while his thoughts spun in his head. – What do you mean?  Do what?

Sana shrugged. – Well, you could talk to the guy, couldn’t you?

– Right. Like what could I say?

– I don’t know? Do you think I have all the answers? I guess you could ask him to meet, and take it from there. Couldn’t you?

– Talking is always good, Eva nodded. – And if everything fails, alcohol helps.

Even laughed. Then he took a deep breath. – I guess, he said. – It’s probably better to figure out things, I suppose. I’ll see.

If he was completely honest with himself, he knew that he most likely wouldn’t manage to say a word about it. But hey, he could try.

He released a breath. – So. How about you guys, how are you doing?  

Sana shrugged. – I’m fine.

– Yeah, fine, Eva nodded. – We’re just out to get some snacks for tonight. We’re just going to hang around a little. Wanna join us?

– Maybe, Even smiled.

– Cool, Eva said.

Sana shifted on her feet. – Uhm... Eva, could you go ahead of me? I just wanna ask Even about something.

Eva looked surprised, but she still smiled. – Sure, no problem, she said, and gave Even a hug. – See you later, handsome.

Even’s heart beat faster as he wondered what Sana wanted.

– I just wanted to ask if you still don’t want the girls to know that I know you from before? she wondered. – Or if  you want Isak to know or not?

Even shifted on his feet. – Uhm, I don’t know, he said. – I don’t want you to feel like you have to lie for me. But I just… I’d kinda like a new start, you know?

– Yeah. And don’t worry, I probably won’t lie for you, anyway, Sana said. – But I don’t have to say anything. It’s not like anyone will ask, really.

Even let his shoulders down, and realized just then how tense he had been. – Okay, thanks, Sana, he said.

He hadn’t missed the slightly bitter tone in her voice. – Everything okay?

– Sure, Sana shrugged. – Sometime it just feels like the others don’t see me for who I am, you know?

Even nodded. – Yeah. I know.  

They didn’t say more. Maybe they didn’t have to. Sana looked at Even for a long time. – You should come visit one day, Even, she said. – Mom keeps asking about you. I know the boys miss you, too.

The thought of visiting Sana and Elias was both tempting and terrifying at the same time. He missed his friends, but he didn’t know if he was ready to meet them again (would he ever be ready?) – I… uh… Sure. I just need a little time, he muttered.

Sana looked at him for a moment before she nodded. – Okay. I hope you figure it out, Even, she said. He could see that she meant it. – Just remember that this guy you like probably is just as confused as you are. Treat him fairly.

– OK. I can do that, Even said.

Sana smiled. – Good. Just talk to him. I am sure you'll figure something out.

Even nodded, still thinking. – Now you’re starting to sound like my therapist, he admitted. Then he blushed. Mentioning his therapist wasn’t something he did regularly. Hell, he didn’t even know if Sana knew he had a mental illness.

– Well, that’s not bad, I suppose, Sana said, still smiling a little.

Even laughed, as his embarrassment eased up. – No, true.

He hugged Sana goodbye, and she went into the store after Eva.

Even stared after her for a moment, before he picked up his bags and turned around. He released a deep breath. Sana was great. He didn’t know if he was ready to meet his old friends yet, although Sana most likely was right, saying that he should.

He could maybe follow her advice about Isak, though. He could try to… talk to Isak. Not tonight, maybe, but soon. Maybe he could question Isak’s rules a bit? Or he could try to break them, and see how Isak would react to that? And maybe he finally could figure out what Isak wanted. And then… if Isak still wanted to keep things at a distance, Even could... get on with his life.

He was frowning as he walked, thinking deeply. _Four months, though_ . The last cuddle he had with Isak was in May. May the 27th, to be exact. Isak had said it had to be four months before…. what? Before meeting again? That couldn't be right, they met all the time. Four months before _dating_ , then? But was Isak interested in that at all, anymore, if he ever had been?

Even seriously doubted it.

##  **Isak: We have Rules, Even**

Isak knew he was fucked up. He and Even had been cuddling almost every night for a week, and it was slowly growing into an addiction. Isak had been sleeping well every night for the first time in ages. Also, Even’s touch made him relax more.

Well, that wasn’t the only truth. Deep down, he knew he was motivated by something far stronger than a need to relax or a need to sleep. He wanted Even, and telling himself that they were just friends didn’t really work that well anymore. He still clung to his rules, though. The rules had to help.

Who knew that cuddling could be so complicated?

The others were starting to notice their cuddles, too, and Jonas seemed to wonder what was going on.

– What's happening? You and Even are all over each other? he asked, one rare evening when just the two of them were together. They were sitting at Jonas’ place, playing FIFA.

Isak shrugged and tried to look unaffected. – Nothing. We’re just… friends.

He felt Jonas’ eyes on him, then.

– Sure.

– It’s true! Isak said, quickly. – Even is just a little… tactile that’s all.

– Hmmm… I guess you can say that. But why are you together every night?

Isak shrugged. – Well… he’s helping me sleep. Or, we’re helping each other to sleep.

– How?

– Cuddles, of course. You know it works, Jonas, it’s science.

Jonas raised his eyebrows. – Sure. Science. So you two are cuddling every night and are being tactile as fuck every day… So how do you feel about that?

Isak knew what Jonase was trying to do. He rolled his eyes. – It’s fine, Jonas. Fine! It’s just cuddles! Why are you making such a big deal out of this?

– I’m just watching out for you, Jonas said with a sigh. – qI still think you should ask Even to break up with his girlfriend. After all, he never talks about her. Are you even sure she exists?

Isak huffed a bitter laugh. – She exists.

– Okay.

– And I can’t do that. This thing with Even.. is totally platonic.

At least on paper. What went on inside Isak’s mind was a totally different matter.

– Okay, I get it, Jonas said, still with doubt written all over his face. – So you are burying that crush of yours, then?

– Yeah, that’s exactly what I’m doing.

– Oh.

Jonas was silent for a moment. Then: – So… Are you telling the boys?

Isak knew that he should. A part of him wanted to tell them everything. It was getting more and more difficult to fake it. Still, the thought of sharing everything with them, was scary.

– I just… I don’t know… I mean… sure, he said. – Probably. It’s just difficult. Why are you so invested in me right now?

Jonas looked a little embarrassed. – Because nothing happens in my own life. I live vicariously through you.

– Hah.

Isak ended the game and sighed. – It is kinda exhausting, he admitted. – I mean, the cuddles helps for sleeping but I thought I would gradually stop thinking about him. It’s just... difficult.

Jonas nodded. – So what’s your plan, then? Wouldn’t it be better just to keep away?

Just the thought of it felt awful. – I don’t know, Isak shrugged. – I guess I’ll just take one day at a time. Maybe it will get easier in the end.

Well, that was what he told himself.

A week later, he knew things weren’t getting any easier. He was so fucked.

Isak couldn’t believe he was now one of the few people in the world who hated the early evenings. This everlasting time before night. Afternoons and early evenings meant no Even, and no Even meant feeling as if he was going to crawl out of his skin with need and boredom.

He wanted to meet Even and talk about stupid stuff, and get to know him. He wanted to know every little detail about Even. How fucked up was that! His attempt to keep things clean and tidy was a joke at this point.

They had cuddled every night for the past two weeks, and Isak felt like a new drug addict getting strung out past the point of no return. Every night, he agreed to meet Even a little earlier than the night before, and every time he cuddled with Even, it ended up feeling like he lost pieces of his heart. It was fucking wild and he had no idea how to slow the spiral without shutting everything down completely.    

And now he was here, in his empty room, and all he could think of were blue eyes and hot hands and that sexy, cocky smirk that did him in every single time. He was seriously rethinking just throwing out all his rules and calling Even, though Even was hardly spending his evening waiting for Isak to call.

Isak flopped onto his back in his bed and covered his face with his hands. He needed to slow down a little. It was a Saturday evening and he really needed to get his shit together.

Before he could lose it completely and call Even to beg him to come, the doorbell to the flat buzzed. He sighed and went to answer the door.

He opened the door to see none other than Even standing there holding a box of cookies as if it was the most natural thing in the world.

– Hey, Even greeted and marched in past a stunned Isak, stepped out of his shoes and went to Isak’s room. – Busy?

Isak locked the door and turned to follow him. – The fuck are you doing here?! he asked, watching Even depositing the cookies on his shelf.

Even then casually strolled over to the bed and sat down, like he fucking belonged there. There was a slightly nervous look in his eyes, though. – I just was around here, just thought I’d say hi, he said.

Isak sighed. – We have rules, Even, he crossed his arms and glared.

– Rules? Even echoed with grating faux innocence. – Do you think there are rules here?

– Yeah! You know we have rules! _The time_ , Even. The afternoon and evening isn’t the time to meet up and cuddle. We never meet before bedtime!

– Hmm yeah, I know, I was just kidding, Even agreed suspiciously easily. He smiled, a little playfully. – I just guess we could make an exception?

– We have rules for a reason, Even, and you know that.

Even nodded. – Yeah, I know, he said, and got up from the bed. He walked over to Isak and stopped in front of him. It was a little close, but Isak had learned that in Even’s mind, personal space was only a vague, foreign concept that he couldn’t quite grasp. Also, they had been cuddling so often lately, that it felt kinda natural. It was as if Even belonged there. Isak fought the urge to stroke his arms or put his arms around him. So weird. It was as if his arms and hands had a will of their own.

– Are you sure these rules are right, though? Even asked, as he stuck his hands deep in his pockets. He still looked playful, but his eyes were sincere.

If Isak hadn’t known better, he had definitely thought there was something nervous over him. Even was so close; Isak could detect his smell below the cologne and could see every detail in Even’s eyes. His bottom lip looked kinda dry but still soft and tempting and Isak’s tongue darted out unbidden in anticipation of licking it.

 _Oh fuck_. Isak noticed something stirring in him. He had developed the habit of jerking off every early evening, before Even and he would meet up to cuddle, so that he didn’t pop a boner every time they cuddled (it happened often enough anyway). However, this time, he hadn’t had time to jerk off. And he could feel how the lust grew in him. Fuck, this could become a challenge.

– Yeah, we need the rules, Isak said.

– I really think you should reconsider some of them, Isak, Even said softly. Somehow, his closeness was making Isak harden a little. How the fuck was that even possible? They hadn’t even touched? – But I’ll go if you want me to, Even continued. For a moment, he looked insecure. He took a small step back. – Do you want me to go?

Isak’s eyes moved back and forth between Even’s eyes and lips as his mind spun. His lips parted wordlessly and he hesitated briefly over his decision. – But… what? Do you just want to hang around, or?

– Yeah! Even grinned.  – Can’t we just have some cookies and tea and… I don’t know, watch a movie, or something? Maybe even have an evening meal or something before cuddle time? That’s not so bad, is it? For once?

Isak swallowed. It did sound tempting. Fuck it, he knew he would regret it if he told Even to go. – Fine, he muttered, and was grateful that he had a long shirt on, so his boner didn’t show. – Just this once. You can find a movie while I make some tea.

Even nodded, and winked. – Just use the kettle, he said, as he turned to find a movie on Isak’s laptop.

And yeah, Isak had been told enough times how to use Eskild’s kettle and how to let the tea steep long enough, thank you very much. But it was nice to have a task, so that his body could calm down.

In the kitchen, he found Linn sitting at the table eating noodles, while Eskild was making something at the counter. They both looked at him when he came in.

– Hi, Isak! Eskild said, with curiosity in his eyes.

– Uh hi, Isak muttered, as he put on the kettle. He found the tea and some mugs and felt how the tension slowly eased out of his body. – I’m just making some tea.

There was silence for a moment.

– Did you get a visitor? Linn asked.

Isak stared at her, and then at Eskild. And suddenly it struck him, how they looked like some worried parents, asking their son about what was going on. He felt the tense muscles in his body ease a little, and he chuckled a little to himself.

– Uhm, I’m just having a friend over, he said.

Eskild cocked his head. – Really? I thought I heard this Even guy?

Isak stuttered: – Yeah, it’s Even. We’re just… He’s a friend. We’re just going to chill, and play some games and stuff.

– Right, Eskild nodded, smiling. – You’re just going to chill, before he spends the night. Again.

It was pretty obvious that he didn’t believe a word. Linn seemed pretty curious too, but she said nothing.

– I’ve told you why we do that, Isak muttered.

– Yeah, yeah, baby gay, Eskild smiled and winked at him.

– I would try a lot to get some sleep, too, but you know that this arrangement you two have is not like the logical choice, right? Linn asked. – There are sleeping pills, for instance.

– Medication isn’t great for your body long term, Linn, Isak retorted. The water was ready, so he found two mugs and started to make the tea. – And overuse can be dangerous.

Linn scoffed. – They only prescribe Melatonin nowadays anyway, Isak. It’s a harmless hormone.

Isak looked at her. He actually knew about Melatonin. He had read about it. – Nothing is harmless. But, okay, tell me… Does it work?

Linn hesitated for a moment. – When you do your routines, it does. But I guess it doesn’t take worries and stuff away. It’s not like those miracle pills I had before.. Damn, I get that those could be addictive…

– Right, Isak sighed, smiling a little. He was always surprised when Linn suddenly shared stuff. It was sometimes random, sometimes sad and sometimes funny, but always kinda interesting. – Well, I know that this thing works. The cuddles make me sleep like a log. And as long as Even agrees, that’s just fine.

Eskild and Linn looked at him. Linn looked thoughtful, and Eskild looked both fondly amused and slightly worried at the same time.

– It’s, fine, okay! Isak said.

Eskild was quick to nod. – Okay, sure. It works, I get it, he said. A smile grew on his face. – And believe me, I wouldn’t throw that fine young man out of my bed, either.  

– True, Linn chuckled. – I probably wouldn’t either.

Isak shook his head, although their silliness made him smile a little. – Oh, just stop, he said, weakly, and left them there.

He brought two mugs of tea with milk and sugar back into his room. Then he settled next to Even on the bed. His body had calmed down a little, but he still felt the heat from Even next to him, and he still felt a tension in himself.

Even had picked a movie that seemed beautiful and clever, but Isak was too distracted to follow the plot. Even was too distracting, really, as he ate his cookies and drank his tea and was just so fucking hot all the time.

Isak complained a little over the stupid movie, drank his tea and ate a cookie, before he snuggled into Even. He was just unable to withstand Even’s warm body any longer.

Even pulled Isak closer to him wrapping his arms around him. Even’s embrace was warm, and his long arms seemed very protective when wrapped around Isak’s body. They were hot, too, and they made Isak’s body tingle. Fuck, Isak was horny, but he had to hold it back. He took a deep breath and tried to relax. It must have worked, because his deep breath turned into a yawn.

– This movie is kinda dumb, Isak muttered for the third time into Even’s neck. His eyes were starting to get heavy.

– Don't be silly, Even said and wrapped his arms closer around Isak and hugged him. – It’s a classic. You seem tired, though, he continued as Isak’s arms encircled his waist and he leant his head on Even’s shoulder.

– A little, Isak agreed and sighed. Actually, the sleepiness was sort of a blessing. His lust for Even had to yield for a overwhelming need to sleep. Isak felt how his body relaxed and he snuggled closer into Even. There was something so warm with Even, something that felt so right, and smelt so right.

It was too early to fall asleep, though. Probably around seven or eight, but he was dead tired. And this felt too good. Isak let his body sag, his muscles become loose. The world around Isak slowly melted away as he squeezed Even back, not wanting the moment to end. In Even’s arms he felt his worries lose their sting. Even brushed his hair back with his fingers.

– Your hugs are so good, Even, Isak admitted. – I’m glad you’re here.

– Well, Even said, and Isak could hear the smile in his voice, – where else would I rather be right now?

In that moment Even’s arms squeezed a fraction tighter and Isak breathed more slowly, his body melting into Even's as every muscle lost its tension. Everything was just warm and cozy.

– Just sleep, Even sighed into his hair. – Sweet dreams, baby.

 _Baby._ The affection In Even’s voice made Isak feel alive, and safe. And even though he knew very well that their cuddles were only to help them both rest, it felt _real_. Isak smiled as the sound from the movie lulled him to sleep.

##  **Even: Sweet Dreams, baby**

Isak was still asleep when Even propped himself up onto his elbows early the next morning. Even looked over at Isak who was on his stomach, facing away from him, sleeping the sleep of the innocent. Even smiled softly and fought the urge to kiss and snuggle him. He knew the minute Isak woke up, he was getting thrown out and he wasn’t trying to hurry it along.

He let his eyes wander for a moment. He kinda loved Isak’s room, even if it was pretty bare. There were clippings on the wall and weird stuff around that gave the room a very Isak feel. Even loved it; it felt like home, and it felt like Isak.

Isak stirred and Even’s heart stopped. Isak rolled over towards Even and reached out, capturing Even’s forearm in his grasp and leaving it there. Soon, Isak’s breathing evened out again and he was asleep while holding on to Even. Even felt like his heart was going to explode right then and there. He slowly eased back down into bed, nestled against his pillow and watched Isak sleep.

Isak’s body was warm next to him, and Even snuggled closer. Hugs with Isak could never be long enough. In Isak's arms he was safe and his worries disappeared like rain on summer earth. He felt Isak’s soft skin and bathed in Isak’s warmth and the smell of him. He didn’t know for how long he would have this, but at least he could enjoy it, right now.

It felt like they were in a bubble. A bubble where he could forget everything else. Still, his thoughts went to his old friends, and to things he didn’t want to think about. Fuck, it was like having all these nice feelings were too much to handle for him. So he had to pick up these troubling thoughts.

Everybody said it was important to talk about stuff, both Isak and his friends, Sana and Eva and his therapist said the same thing. Theoretically, Even knew it was true. Hell, he had experienced it too, in therapy. Still, it was a scary thing to do. He knew that he should tell Isak about Sonja, and about the details about what happened during his episode. He didn’t quite know why it was so difficult to do.

He knew he should contact his old friends, too, and at least talk to one of them. Reach out. They deserved to know why he had disappeared. If Sana was right, and they actually missed him, they really deserved a lot more.

His biggest fear was that they just hated him. Feared him. He didn’t know if he could survive finding that out. Maybe that was the reason he chose to stay away.

It was scary. But wasn’t this thing he had with Isak scary too? If he could handle this, he should be able to handle a lot of things.

Even released a slow breath, and promised himself that he would do something. Tomorrow. Or very soon. He would contact one of his old friends somehow. He had to try.

And then, he would figure out what he had and didn’t have.

Even knew he and Isak had a lot to figure out, too. Even had his issues, and Isak had his own. Maybe they had too many things against them. And Isak… he was so determined to follow his damned rules.

 _Fucking rules._ Even had managed to break one of them, though. Or at least make an exception. He had visited Isak earlier in the evening and Isak had accepted it. They had spent time together and cuddled for a long time. Although Isak had fallen asleep very quickly. Oh well.

It had felt so good.

Even buried his face in Isak’s neck. The morning would be here soon, and Even knew that he was going to get kicked out before breakfast, but as far as he was concerned, this night had felt like a step forward.

He knew he had maybe been a little eager and pushy, and this was probably not what Sana had in mind when she told Even to talk to Isak. He had just been so caught up in the moment, and before he knew it, his questions about the rules had become an evening with cuddles.

Well, he couldn’t really regret it. He knew what he wanted, now, and he wanted to fight for it. He would respect Isak, of course. If Isak wanted him to back off, he would. However, if Isak allowed it, Even would do all he could to make the two of them happen; one way or another.

He had no clue how things would end up in the end, but he knew that he had to try.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you like where this is going! :) The next chapter will be a lot about being brave and being open about who you are, both for Even and Isak.


	6. Touch it

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is a lot about talking, silly rules and open doors. And cuddles.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I just can't thank Arin and Allie enough for helping me with this strange little chapter. You are so patient and you leave so good and constructive feedback, you're basically saints! <3 <3 <3 
> 
> I should warn that if something is wrong or weird in this chapter, it's because I have done some last minute changes and now I just want to post it. Because it's WIP Wednesday, it feels right and I have no impulse control, hahaha.

##  ****

##  **Isak: Come lie down, sleepyhead**

_Isaiah 41:10: So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand._

The bathroom was silent. Isak stared at the text from his mom. He supposed it was meant to be supportive. Well, he had no clue really but it could be. However, his mom’s belief manifested like this, only made him feel uncertain and wary. He knew what his mom thought about being a homosexual. That it was a sin, and that he would go to hell for it. Isak raised his eyes and met his own eyes in the mirror. He looked tired, empty.

Could he ever admit to her who he was, deep down?

Isak didn’t have an answer, and he didn’t even try to find one. He walked from the bathroom to his own bedroom. To Even.

It was September. A couple of weeks since Isak and Even had started their cuddle arrangement. About a week since Even broke one of their rules, showing up at Isak’s place in the afternoon. That sneaky fucker. Luckily for him, he was cute. Isak couldn't stay angry with him for long. Well, he hadn’t been angry at all, to be honest.

Isak smiled a little as he entered his bedroom. Even was sitting on Isak’s bed, working on a drawing. Just the sight of him made the tension in Isak’s shoulders ease a bit and a warm feeling spread in his body. Even’s back was turned to Isak but Isak knew he was working on some storyboard or something for one of his videos. Even had probably started while Isak was in the bathroom. He looked focused, but Isak could see that he was tired. His head was low, and he nodded, like he was falling asleep.

Isak couldn’t take his eyes off of him. Everything about Even was beautiful. Even’s soft, messy hair, the long lines of his lanky limbs and slender neck made him look vulnerable. The way he looked made Isak want to hug him close and never let go.

Fuck, he was so lucky to have this.

 _This_. He didn't know what “this” was, but they were friends and cuddle buddies. The two of them were still cuddling almost every night. Sometimes they met up just before bedtime, but sometimes Even made sure they met a little earlier. Isak didn’t have the strength to protest, to be honest. Still, he was quick out of the bed in the morning, and he kept the rule that they should have no random meet-ups or something that could remotely look like a date.

Even accepted it, most of the time. Sometimes it felt like he was silently sabotaging the rules. Isak didn’t know why, but it was as if the mere presence of the rules annoyed Even and made him want to fight them. Still, Even never protested too much. He probably knew how important they were to Isak.

Not that he needed them because of his job. He hardly worked at all as a professional cuddler anymore, anyway. Isak sighed to himself. He still had lots of clients but he kept suggesting that they go to another cuddler instead. He had sent most of them to Vilde, actually. Right now he had enough human touches, and he was considering quitting. The money had been alright, though. He knew that he probably should find a new job.

Even’s head nodded again, and it was evident that he was struggling to stay awake. His hand that had been making doodles earlier, lay motionless in his lap.

Isak moved slowly over to the bed. He put his phone away on the nightstand and sat down behind Even. For a moment he just eyed Even, sitting there half asleep. He moved in behind Even so that he could bury his face in the crook of his neck, and pulled Even close, wrapping his arms around him. Even leaned back, and Isak could feel how his body became pliant and relaxed. Even’s body was warm, and Isak liked the feeling of him cuddled into his arms. It made him feel strong and protective.

– Come lie down, sleepyhead, Isak muttered into Even’s ear.

 _Fuck_ , Even smelled of warm skin. Isak let his nose trail a line under Even’s ear before he let his chin rest on Even’s shoulder.

Even sighed, and Isak could almost sense when he shut his eyes, although Even had his back against him. – Okay, Even breathed, as his notebook and pencil fell out of his hands and onto the bed. Isak picked it up and put it away, while Even moved around.   

Even’s movements were slow and sluggish as they crawled into the bed. Isak was glad they were both in their boxers and t-shirts so they could easily snuggle together under the duvet. As they lay down Even let out another sigh and nuzzled into Isak’s shoulder, his hair inches from Isak’s nose. Isak could smell his scent, which was too good for words.

– Mmmm… I would like to stay longer one morning, Even muttered into Isak’s shoulder.

Isak muttered something inaudible.

Even’s blue eyes peeked at Isak for a moment, blinking slowly. – Can’t I just stay here, like… forever?

 _Damn._ Even just killed Isak with his words. Isak couldn’t admit it, but he wanted Even to stay, too. He wanted it so badly. The thought of sleeping in and cuddling for hours with Even was so tempting it was painful.

 _You can_ , he wanted to say. _Forever and ever and ever_.

He knew he couldn’t say that. – I wish, but… We have rules, baby, he said, weakly.

 _Shit_ , did he just call Even baby?

A smile grew on Even’s sleepy face. – Baby… he muttered and pulled Isak closer.

Isak relaxed into Even but still hurried on: – Uh, we have to stick to the rules, Even.

It felt like he broke something, as he said those words. However, Even seemed to sleepy to react to it. He was still smiling. – You shouldn’t disagree with me when I’m sleepy and can’t think. I’ll make it happen, Isak. Just you wait and see.

Isak startled, as his heart sped up. What did he mean? – You’ll make _what_ happen?

Even smiled, and looked like he was half asleep already. – One day… you might let me stay…

– Yeah yeah, Isak said, trying to laugh it away. He still felt a little rattled. Was Even really going to boycott the rules? He couldn’t be serious, could he?

Right now Even looked just sleepy and innocent to do anything at all. _Fuck_ , he was cute. His hair was tangled and messy on the pillow and his eyes were half lidded.

Isak wanted… he knew he wanted too much. His heart clenched when he realized that he for a moment had actually forgotten about their rules. He had forgotten about his job, but he had also forgotten about Sonja. It was so easy to forget her all the time. Even never talked about her, and Isak never asked. It was kind of weird that she accepted that her boyfriend was cuddling with someone else almost every night. But maybe Even and Sonja were still on a break? Isak didn’t know, and he didn’t dare to ask.

Even blinked slowly and Isak sensed that Even wanted to stay awake. However, after a few minutes, Isak felt Even go limp and he smiled widely, cradling Even to his chest.

Isak sighed silently. To him, their rules were something that gave him a sense of control, and an illusion of distance. He needed that. He needed something to tell him that this thing happening with Even, wasn’t dating.

Because it sure as hell felt a lot like it.

They cuddled every night, after all.

Even their friends had started to notice. Eskild was convinced that they were a couple, no matter how many times Isak tried to explain that they weren’t. Jonas and the other boys just shook their heads at them. Well, Jonas told him to talk to Even, while Magnus and Mahdi shook their heads.

Isak knew it was about time he told Mahdi and Magnus about his… thing for boys. He was so sick of being a fake. He just didn’t know if he was ready for their reaction. He didn’t know if he was ready for three guys telling him to talk to Even, either.

Ah, he would figure it out later.

Isak yawned and snuggled closer into Even’s warm body, determined to enjoy this thing they had for as long as he could.

He could feel how his body started to relax. After Isak started to cuddle with Even, falling asleep had become similar to being drugged. His body dragged him into that shadowy world of dreams in just a few minutes from his head hitting the pillow. When his thoughts became more and more disconnected, he knew he was falling asleep.

Now all he had to do was let go.

  


##  **Even: Well, you are still the coolest of the coolest**

Even was barely awake, in that weird place between dreams and consciousness. He felt well rested but hot. A little sweaty under the duvet and with Isak’s warm body against his back. One of Isak’s legs lay over him. Isak’s warm breath on his neck made it even hotter. In every possible way. _Damn_ , it was hot.

Even sighed. Sleeping entwined with Isak like this was awesome. Isak’s arms around Even holding him like he was scared that Even would fall off the edge of the bed, or maybe run away. Evaporate.

That was the last thing Even wanted to do.

He was hot, though. And he couldn't stop his thoughts from going to Isak’s warm, strong body behind him. In only boxers and a t-shirt. His muscular arms and long legs. And what was between his legs...

 _Fuck, not again…_ Even’s dick had woken up before him and was hard inside his boxers. Even fought to keep still. He wanted to move his hips back and push his back impossibly closer to Isak. Of course, he couldn’t do that, because that would be weird and then Isak might wake up and notice his boner and then Isak would be out of bed in a second and he would kick Even out and he would probably never ever talk to Even again.

Even lay still, trying to will his boner away and focus on the nice feeling of just lying here. Warm and cozy. He didn’t want to get up. Being held and cuddled like this felt too good. It felt like they belonged together.

Even knew it wasn’t real, of course. He knew he was only making up something that probably never would happen in the end.

First of all, in a moment, Isak _would_ wake up and kick him out. He had told Even that he would. Secondly, they had this cuddling thing going on, but in about a week, it would all be over.

In about a week, they wouldn’t need their rules anymore, because it would be four months after their last professional cuddle. Their quarantine would be over. That was a good thing, and Even knew he should look forward to it. He knew that he should wait it out and cuddle with Isak while he waited. However, the thought of it filled him with insecurity. What if Isak had just lost the possible interest he once had? What if Isak would say that they had to stop the cuddling?

Isak would go on being friendly and shit, and Even would... well, try to get over it.

The thought scared the shit out of him. It felt like their time would almost be up. Even felt like he was in a hurry; he needed more time with Isak. After all, a tiny part of him still hoped for more. He couldn’t help it. There _had_ been attraction between them. They had kissed, for fuck’s sake! It seemed like Isak had forgotten, though.

That was why EvenEven tried to question their rules. That was why he wanted the two of them to have breakfast together, and spend time together in the daylight, and maybe even do something like a date. He had to try to make Isak _see_ him again somehow. To make Isak notice how well they fit together.

Right now, here in this bed, it felt like they fit together like puzzle pieces. Isak was warm next to him. Even felt like his body was buzzing with a strange mix of warmth, lust, frustration and insecurities.

Isak moved in his sleep and muttered something inaudible. _Oh no_. Isak was waking up. In a second Isak would tell him to get up.

Only, it didn’t happen. Isak’s breath was still even, and he didn’t move. Was he still asleep after all? Isak snuggled a little closer, and for a moment, Even could feel something rub against his neck. It felt like Isak’s nose and lips? Even’s breath hitched, and suddenly Isak froze.

Oh. He must have woken Isak up. Even didn’t dare to move. Now they both lay there, in silence. In the end, Even couldn't take the silence anymore.

– Uhm… morning, he mumbled.

– Morning, Isak replied in a husky voice. He withdrew his arms and rolled over on his back.

Even kept still with his back to Isak. _We should get up_ , he mouthed, as he waited for Isak to say the words, like he did, every morning. Today there was a pause, though. Then: – Shit, I don’t want to get up.

Even’s eyes widened and he turned around. – You don’t?

Isak gave him a quick look while he rubbed sleep out of one of his eyes. – Fuck, do you think I _want_ to get up and out early like this every morning?

Even didn’t know what to say. Isak was always the one saying they should get up, after all.

Isak faced him for real again and now he was furrowing his brows. – Do you think I _want_ to have these rules? You do, don’t you?

Even didn’t know what to say. Why did they have these rules if nobody wanted to have them?

Isak sighed. – I don’t want these rules any more than you, Even. I just know that we need them because of... my job. And to know where the boundaries are. Right?

Even stared at him with wide eyes. _Shit_. This was really important to Isak. And Even had kept on trying to make Isak break the rules. The guilt was like a heavy lump in Even’s stomach.

– Right. I get that, Isak, I do. I’m sorry that I try to push the boundaries sometimes. I just… I’ll get up now. Okay if I use the shower?

He hurried out of bed, desperately trying to hide his semi hard dick. A boner wouldn’t help this situation at all.

– Yeah, yeah, sure, Isak muttered behind him. – I didn’t mean to…

But Even was already on his way to the bathroom. He didn’t need to hear any apologies, not when he knew that _he_ was the one who should apologize. He had been so caught up in his own wishes and desires that he totally forgot Isak’s motivations.

He felt like a creep when he got into the shower grabbing onto his dick as if it was a lifeline. He couldn't help it; his head was full of Isak, of the feeling of his warm body against his back. Of his lips against Even’s neck. His eyes when he looked at Even. _Isak..._

The water poured over Even while he stroked himself and helped himself to a shuddering orgasm. His whole body shook as the release pushed through him. He rested his forehead against the wall of the shower, breathing heavily under the water while the pleasure seeped out of him. He felt so lost. He had no idea what he was doing or how it all would end.

It took more than a minute to pull himself together and get out of the shower and dry off. When he finally was dressed and came out of the bathroom, Isak was still in the bedroom. He looked a little flushed, and he avoided Even’s eyes. – Uhm, I need a shower, too, he said.

Even nodded. For a moment, he wondered if Isak saw through him and knew what he had just done in the shower, but then he told himself that he was probably overly nervous because of shame. – Yeah, he said. – I’ll just grab my things, and then I’ll be out of your hair.

– There are some packed sandwiches on my shelf in the fridge, Isak said, as he walked out of the room. – See you at school?

– Oh, thanks. Uhm, yeah, bye.

Isak sent him a quick glance and then he was gone. Even had to take a deep breath before he could move.

Isak must have made the sandwiches yesterday evening. It had become a new routine, to make packed breakfast and lunch for each other in the mornings after their cuddles, since breakfast together was against the rules. However, the thought about Isak making the sandwiches last evening, did something to Even. Isak had thought about him. Even couldn't help smiling as he opened the fridge and found his breakfast and lunch with his name written on the wrapping paper.

It sure helped ease his guilt and overall sense of being lost. However, he did get a little distracted as Eskild walked into the kitchen in his morning gown. – Even! Good morning! he grinned.

– Uh, morning. I’m just grabbing my lunch and then I’m ready to go.

Eskild only nodded, like it was totally natural that Even picked up his lunch from their fridge. – Okay. I just wondered about those interviews you talked about.

– Yeah? Even said. He had almost forgot how Eskild had asked him a lot of questions about his project one morning, and he had slipped that he needed to interview someone who were using Grindr.

– Have you found someone to interview for using Grindr? Eskild asked, grinning. – If not, I could help! Actually, I’m free later today.

– Really? That would be awesome, Even smiled. He was nervous about the whole thing, but the thought of interviewing Eskild seemed a lot less stressful than having to interview a complete stranger. The Tinder interview had been slightly painful like that, although he had put all his charm on. – I would love it if we do it today.

– Cool. That’s a date, sweetie!

Even’s thoughts started to spin as he hugged Eskild goodbye and left for school. He was determined to be focused on what he was supposed to do, but his mind was distracted.

He wondered how he could manage to film their talk, showing both Eskild’s face, and his own. It would have been nice to have someone with him, managing one of the cameras. But who?

He was still wondering about that around lunchtime, when he spotted Isak in the cafeteria. Isak was standing in line at the counter. He looked thoughtful, and he had a frown between his eyebrows.

Even was just about to go over to him, when he froze in his tracks. _Right_. Isak was alone, and Even was, too. They weren’t supposed to meet like this. Actually, Isak needed him to stay away. Still, the thought of going away was painful. Even stood there in the middle of the cafeteria, staring at Isak, feeling uncertain and a little stupid.

Then Isak looked up. He locked eyes with Even, and Even felt even more stupid. He was caught here, staring at Isak like a lost puppy. Fuck, he felt like a lost puppy, too. He schooled his face into a “ah well” smile, and shrugged. But then Isak frowned, and waved him over.

Hesitantly, Even walked over to him. – Halla, he said. – What’s up?

– Just buying waffles, Isak said. – What was up with you, just standing over there?

Even avoided his eyes, as he felt a little embarrassed. – Uhm, we’re not supposed to meet like this, right?

– It’s school, Isak said, frowning, like he didn’t understand.

– Yeah, but the others aren’t here.

Isak sighed. He looked a little uncomfortable. – Okay, that’s true. But you don’t have to avoid me, Even. That wasn’t what I meant this morning. I guess I was just tired of being the one always bringing up those fucking rules. It’s chill.

– Chill, Even nodded and smiled a little. Perhaps it wasn’t much, but Isak’s words meant a lot to him, right then. It meant hope. – I’ll try those waffles too, then, he said.

Isak rewarded him with a sudden smile.

Then they had their lunch break together, eating the sandwiches Isak had prepared for them, and topping it all with waffles with strawberry jam. It wasn’t bad at all.

The talk was so light and easy, that Even spoke without thinking. – I’m filming another interview today. I have talked to someone from Tinder already, and now I’m meeting… uh… someone from Grindr. I could use another cameraman, though. Would you like to help?

He didn’t know why he didn’t mention Eskild. He told himself it could be a nice surprise but maybe it was because it was easier.

Isak stared at him. – Me? A cameraman? You know that I know nothing about filming, right? And maybe you haven’t noticed, because I’m the coolest of the coolest, but I can be clumsy at times.

Even chuckled. He hadn’t thought about it, but it was kinda true. – Well, you are still the coolest of the coolest, he nodded.

Isak grinned, but then his grin faded. – And of course, I guess I shouldn’t because of...

– The rules? Yeah, I didn’t think about that, Even said. He smiled, to show that it was okay. – I asked without thinking, I guess. I just don’t know who to ask.

Isak cocked his head. He was still chewing his waffles. – You have a whole army of friends by now, Even. Jonas and the other boys love you, and the girls adore you...

Even pouted as he thought. – Yeah, but you’re the only one that knows this project like I do. I don’t know if I trust the others with it, really.

His thoughts went to Elias and the others. Mikael would have loved to do the filming, and Elias would have been so good at helping him with the editing. _Fuck_.

Isak must have seen the troubled look on his face, because he frowned. – You okay?

– Yeah, Even shrugged. – I just happened to think of my old gang, that’s all.

Isak nodded. – You did some filming with them, didn’t you? Like the one you did with that…  Mikael guy?

Even startled a little as Isak said his name. He had forgotten that Isak knew that. – Uhm, yeah. I guess.

Isak watched him closely. – So… Do you ever want to contact them again, or?

– Uh, yeah, actually, Even admitted. – I have decided to fix things with them, but that has kinda proved to be easier said than done. I just… Well, I guess I don’t dare to. A lot of stuff happened, I scared the shit out of them all and was kinda forced to come out at the same time, and… I have no idea how they reacted to the whole thing. I’m just afraid they had enough of me.

Isak nodded. – Yeah, I get that, he said, and he actually looked like he got it. – It’s maybe not the same, but I struggle to tell my buddies about… you know…

– Being gay?

Isak blushed. – Uhm, yeah, or liking boys. Some boys, Isak sighed. – It’s just difficult.

He looked like he felt his words were wrong. Or maybe not enough.

Even still felt like he understood. – I know, he said. – Remember, you can do it when you’re ready.

Even felt hot in his face. Well. When would _he_ be ready?

He was tempted to tell Isak everything. He wanted to tell Isak more about Sonja, his friends, his illness, everything. All about how bad it could get.

Although he had told Isak about his illness, he hadn’t told him about what it all meant. And he couldn’t, not yet. It just felt too big. Too scary.

– Okay, then, Isak said.

Even startled at his abrupt answer. – Okay what?

– Okay, I’ll do it, Isak said.

– You’ll do what? Tell the boys?

Isak looked taken aback. – Uh, eventually, I guess, he said, quickly. – But I’m talking about the filming right now. If you still want me to help?

_Oh. Wow._

When Even’s face burst into a happy smile, a smirk grew on Isak’s face until it became one of his wide, teasing grins. – But it’s just the filming right? This isn’t a plot to lure me into a date, or something?

– Hah. No, I won’t lure you into a date, Even promised, still smiling. They were doing this! He couldn’t help that just the thought of spending more time with Isak made him excited.

Isak looked kind of pleased, too. – Good, he said, – then we have a deal.

 

##  **Isak: Sometimes food is more than just food**

When Isak first saw Even at school, he almost choked. Even was already looking at him from where he was standing in the middle of the cafeteria, and he had this sad and uncertain look on his face. He looked like a lost puppy, really.

What was going on? Isak frowned, and breathed calmly to ease the clenching feeling in his chest. Was it because of their talk that morning?

Isak felt a little guilty as he recalled how he had lashed out at Even, mostly because he had been so tired, so grumpy and so... fucking horny.

He had just wanted to grind into Even, press him into the mattress and drown himself in the bliss of Even. But they had these fucking rules, and Isak hated how he always was the one who said that they had to get up, and get out, and stay away from each other.

It was starting to be obvious that Even didn’t like the rules. Even’s latest attempts seemed to be to try to take it easy so that they could eat breakfast together, or maybe get Isak to meet him for a coffee or something like that, and so far, Isak had held strong. He said no every time Even asked him to meet, and he kicked Even or himself out early in the morning, every day. He knew that it wasn’t a very rational thing. He knew he didn’t need the rules for his job, or because he felt that he _should_. He just needed them to keep in control.

He didn’t know what Even wanted. He probably wanted nothing more than some cuddles. And as long as Isak didn’t know anything, the rules gave him at least the illusion that he could keep his own wishes and desires back. He needed the rules for as long as this agreement lasted.

Isak wondered how long he was going to hold out with this resolve, though, since his ability to say no to Even was dubious at best.

However, his lust and frustration had made him lash out (and release all his lust and frustrations in the shower later). And now Even was here, looking lost and hesitant.

 _Fuck it,_ this was stupid. Isak sighed. They were at school, after all. They should be able to see each other without turning into these stiff statues of doubt. Isak waved him over, and Even approached him, with lots of questions in his eyes.

Isak greeted Even, taking him in, blue eyes and swoopy hair and all. _Fuck_ , he was too good looking. But Isak couldn’t think about that now.

_Focus._

Isak asked Even why he was just standing in the middle of the cafeteria, and learned that he had been right in his assumptions.

– We’re not supposed to meet like this, right? Even asked, and Isak tried to answer without bullshitting too much. It didn’t go that well.

Luckily, Even didn’t call him out on his bullshit, and in the end they agreed that they could eat together, after all. It was nice. Almost too nice. Even asked him if he could help with filming. Isak felt the heat rise to his cheeks at once. He looked down, knowing that if he continued to stare he would get lost in Even’s big blue eyes.

Isak was still defenseless. Even’s question made him feel like he mattered. Even needed his help. And it was a devastatingly good feeling.

He knew it was stupid, and reckless, but he accepted it. As Even talked eagerly about his project, Isak had to fight to calm down his smile. Lately it felt as if there were worse things in the world than giving in to Even Bech Næsheim for once.

Isak snapped out of his reverie when a voice interrupted him.

– Yo, guys, what’s up? Magnus said and threw himself down on the chair next to Isak.

Jonas and Mahdi followed him and sat down, too.

– Are you ready for the party this weekend? Mahdi asked.

Isak shrugged. He loved his beer and he loved to let loose with his friends, but for some reason, parties didn’t seem as tempting right now. Not when he could cuddle with Even instead.  – No… I don’t know… maybe, he said and glanced at Even.

– Who’s having the party? Even asked.

– One of the guys from my soccer team, Magnus said. – It’s going to be great. I’m so going to find a girl to make out with.

– Yeah, right, Mahdi laughed.

– I’ll believe it when I see it, Jonas commented.

Magnus bumped his shoulder into Isak’s. – What about you? he asked. – Are you ready to charm the ladies?

Isak just shrugged. He met Jonas’ knowing gaze and looked away. He desperately wanted to tell Mahdi and Magnus that he wasn’t interested in girls at all, but he didn’t know how to do it. He looked up and met Even’s gaze. The softness of his eyes almost took Isak’s breath away. _It’s okay_ , his eyes said. _When you’re ready_.

When would he be ready, though?

Isak was dragged out of his thoughts when his phone pinged—it was his dad.

_You should check up on mom. You know we can’t let her stay alone for too long. - Dad._

Isak stared at the text and felt his whole body go numb. Just like that, the illusion of peace and safety seemed to shatter. He tried to work through his sudden spike of anxiety with calm reason. His mom was fine, well, as fine as she could be. She wasn’t his responsibility.

– You okay? Even asked, looking at him with worried eyes.

Isak licked his lips and ran a shaky hand over his face. – Yeah, why? he said gruffly.

Even shrugged. – Oh, nothing.

– You really look troubled, man, Jonas commented. – Are you sure?

Isak looked away. – Yeah, it’s just family stuff, he said. The school bell rang, and he got up. It was time for the next class, and he literally felt saved by the bell. The other boys got up, too.

Isak turned to Even. – See you later, then? he asked.

Even nodded and smiled. – Later.   

The rest of the school day felt like it lasted forever. Isak was grumpy and irritable. Some of it was because he was antsy to meet Even again, but a lot of it was because of his family. He hoped that spending time with Even doing the filming, could take his mind off things.

Finally, around three o'clock school was over. Even was waiting for Isak at the bench in front of the school yard. Isak sat down next to him. – Halla, he said, smiling, and fought the urge to hug him. He put his hand on Even’s shoulder instead, and squeezed a little. Damn, this cuddle thing was addictive.

– Halla, Even smiled and bumped his shoulder into his. – Ready, cameraman?

Isak chuckled. – Well, I doubt that I’ll become more ready.

– Okay, Even said and stepped down from the bench. – I need to pick up some stuff at home. You coming?

He walked away, facing Isak, before he turned around.

 _Fuck_ , Even could be so dorky at times. And dramatic, too. Isak shook his head and followed him, wondering what the hell he was getting himself into.

Isak walked quickly until he was side by side with Even.

– I’m so glad you could help, Even said with a wide smile.

Isak just mumbled an answer. He felt a little nervous, as he wondered what kind of person Even planned to interview.

As they walked to Even’s place and picked up his things, Even didn’t say much. He explained some things about his project, but seemed almost a little nervous, too. However,  when they headed out again, he smiled a peculiar smile.

– I didn’t tell you all the details earlier, he said. He handed Isak one of his bags and put the other over his shoulder. – But we’re interviewing someone you know.

– What? Who? Isak wondered. Who did he know on Grindr?

_Oh…_

– Yeah, I bet you can guess it, Even chuckled.

– Eskild? Isak blurted out. – Really?

Even chuckled. – Yeah, I met him in the kitchen one morning, and we started to talk. He was happy to help me, he said.

Isak groaned. – I bet, he said. The thought of Even interviewing Eskild didn’t exactly bother him, but it still felt a little strange. It was like a part of him feared that Eskild would reveal something he shouldn’t. Well, he was probably making a big deal out of nothing.

– You don’t think it’s a good idea? Even asked, suddenly looking insecure.

– No, no, I think it’s great, Isak said quickly. – Well, Eskild brags a little about the fact that he has met so many hot guys on Grindr. How is he representative for the ones seeking more long lasting stuff?

– I didn’t think those apps were for long lasting stuff, anyway?

– Probably not. But don’t you want your documentary thing to be representative?

Even chewed on his lip. – Shit, I didn’t think about that. The girl I interviewed for Tinder said that she hoped to find something lasting, but that she didn’t mind having fun in the meantime. Oh, and she knew of one couple that met on Tinder, actually.  

– Okay. That’s good then. And you can mention that these apps are just examples, and that there are lots of dating apps and sites to meet new people. Right?

– Right, that could work, Even smiled. – I like how your mind works. Anyway, I think interviewing Eskild will be fun.

– Yeah, I bet.

They approached Kollektivet and Isak realized that he actually had relaxed a little. The fact that they would be interviewing someone he knew, helped a lot to ease his nerves. He would take a cringeworthy Eskild over a cringeworthy stranger any day.

– Why didn’t you just tell me that you planned to interview Eskild? he asked, as they entered the flat. He stepped out of his shoes.

– Well, to be honest, I wasn’t sure that you would approve, Even said, smiling. – Better to ask forgiveness than to ask for permission. Something like that.

Isak smiled and shook his head. – You’re such a dork sometimes, he said.

– Hi, guys! Are you ready to be amazed? Eskild approached them, grinning.

– Of course, Even said, smiling.

Isak rolled his eyes. – Yeah, yeah.

Eskild put his arms around them both and led them into the living room. – Even told me that you were going to help, Isak. That’s great! You’re such a handy little helper, aren't you?

– Hah.

Isak didn’t even want to know what Eskild was on about. He watched while Eskild fussed around and talked about his outfit, and Even got him to sit on the sofa in just the right lighting, or something. When Even asked Isak to help with moving stuff around, he did. Apart from that, he let the other two talk. Even set up the camera that was supposed to focus on Eskild, and then he showed Isak how to use the other.

They started out filming, and Isak was glad that the other camera was on Eskild. He was afraid he would mess it all up. The camera that showed Eskild should be good enough. Although filming Even was a bit distracting. Isak got lost in his sincere expression, his eyes and general features more than once.

He was so focused on the filming that he missed most of the first questions. When he finally started to focus, he realized that Eskild was talking about being gay.

– It’s been complicated, he said, and when Isak turned his head, he saw that his smile was kind of shining and heartbreaking at the same time. – It’s not always been as easy as it is today.

– Can you say some more about that? Even asked.

Eskild looked thoughtful. – Well. Since I was little I have had these ideas about men being men and women being women. We all have these ideas, I suppose. And I have felt like I really didn’t fit into that at all. I wanted to fit in, and it was difficult to admit that I was different.

Isak’s face burned. That’s just how he has felt, for such a long time.

– So what happened? Even asked. – Why can you say that you’re gay now?

Eskild is silent for a moment. – I guess it helped to meet others like me. The reason I admit to it now, and accept it and am so comfortable with it, comes from knowing that I fit in, just as much as everybody else.

– That sounds great, Even commented.

– Yeah. It’s lovely to know who you are and what you want.

Isak stole another glance at Eskild. His smile was kind of blinding. Isak realized that he seldom really noticed Eskild, and what an honest and good hearted person he was. It was nice to see this sincere side of him. – I can say “yes, I am gay”, and mean it. It’s no problem for me. I love to be gay, I love to be me, basically.

– Great! Even smiled, and his smile was just as blinding as Eskild’s.

– Yeah, right?

Even nodded. Then he looked like he was thinking for a moment. – Do you find that Grindr is the right place to find someone to love? he asked, putting them back on track.

– Oh yes. Well, at least it’s the right place to meet someone, Eskild laughed. – The love part can be tricky. That’s always tricky, though.

– Yeah. So, do you think that Grindr is a good replacement to, say, meeting someone at a bar or at work, or something like that?

– Hell, yeah, it’s a lot better, if you ask me. To be honest, I have a pretty amazing gaydar, but it can still be difficult to meet the right guy when we’re out dancing.

Isak had to hold back a snort. Eskild’s so called gaydar was horrible.

– I know there are different groups of people using Grindr, Even said then. – Some are single guys, some are guys in non monogamous relationships and some are in monogamous relationships. How do you feel about that?

Although Isak was filming Even, he saw that Eskild shrugged. – I’m not judging anybody. I’ve been with single guys and guys who turned out not to be single. Hell, I’ve been with guys saying they were straight. But I prefer it when the guys I meet are honest.

– Is that a problem with apps like these?

– Yeah, isn’t that always a problem with stuff like this? People lie sometimes. The Internet just makes it easier, I think.

Even nodded. – Do you think that apps like Grindr destroy our ability to be intimate, or can have a negative influence, somehow?

– Oh, that’s a tricky question. Uhm. I’m sure that we lose something with these apps that you don’t have when you meet someone in person. At the same time, there are some perks of using an app, too. It sure as hell makes it easier to get a date.

Both Eskild and Even laughed. Even’s questions lead to even more questions. As Even rounded up the interview, Isak thought about how Even’s project might capture some really interesting issues. At first Isak had thought of Even’s film project as just something silly, something to kill time with. Isak had been impressed by his filming and his enthusiasm, but that was it. Now he saw that Even was asking some interesting questions. Questions interesting enough to research. In fact, someone had probably researched it already.

Eskild was just as dramatic as always as he hugged both Even and Isak and went back to his room, but Isak’s thoughts were elsewhere. He had to look closer at this.

As Even started to pack away the cameras, Isak searched for articles on his phone: _Grindr and intimacy_ . He found an article where someone has researched just what Even was asking: “ _Intimacy Medialization: A study of hook-up apps and homosexual men's intimacy cultures.”_

– Shit, did you see this? Isak asked.

– What? Even wondered, as he came closer.

Isak showed him the article on his phone. – I found an article about just what you’re asking about. It talks about the digitization of intimacy cultures, and how hook-up apps like Grindr change the dating scene. It’s pretty interesting. Maybe it has some good points you didn’t get from your interviews.

Even looked at Isak with wonder in his eyes and smiled a wide smile. – You researched for me?

– Yeah, Isak said, blushing. – I was just curious. It looks interesting, right?

– Yeah, it’s cool! It’s exactly what would be interesting to talk about. Wow. Can you send it to me?

– Sure.

– Thanks, Isak, Even grinned, and bumped into his shoulder. – You’re like my private researcher.

– And extra cameraman, Isak reminded him, grinning too.

Even laughed a warm laugh. – Yeah, of course. I think I must list you in my credits now.

– Hell yeah you should, Isak laughed. He wanted to pull Even closer and hug him. But now wasn’t the time, or the place.

Even stood in the middle of the room and looked like he didn’t know what to do.

– So… he said. – I haven’t eaten since lunch. I should get something to eat. Would you like to get something to eat, too?

– Uhm… I don’t know, Isak said, suddenly feeling nervous. – I’m hungry, but I’m not sure if it’s right…

Of course, Even knew why he hesitated. He smiled a quick smile. – If you like, I can get out of your hair for a while, he said. – I know it’s hours before bedtime.

No. Nope. That was not what Isak wanted.

– That’s not... I’m not kicking you out or anything.

Even stared at him. – Okay, he said, slowly. – I just thought we were hungry and… It’s just food, so...

Isak raised an eyebrow. – Sometimes food is more than just food.

Even grinned then. – Hm. I think Freud said that sometimes a cigar is just a cigar.

– Oh shut up. You know what I mean.

Even cocked his head and looked at him. – Yeah, I do. And I really don’t want to sabotage anything. I meant what I said this morning. If you want, I’m outta here. I’m just hungry, and I know you are, too.

_Oh, what the hell._

– Yeah, okay, Isak smiled. – That’s true, I’m starving, actually. I don’t think I have the energy to make anything, though. Should we order something?

Even frowned. – I don’t know, it always takes time to go out to get it. What do you have in the fridge?

Isak shrugged. – Probably just some boring leftovers. I have eggs, I think.

– Well eggs are my speciality, you know that, Even laughed. – Let’s go see what you have.

Then he was off to the kitchen.

Like some miracle, Even managed to find both some eggs and cheese, that he mixed with the rest of the sausages, cooked potatoes and carrots Isak had yesterday. They worked together to make a meal. Suddenly they had a tasty omelette that they ate in the kitchen.

– Things work so much better when I don’t have to follow a recipe, Even said, with food in his mouth. – When I can just whisk things together.

– Like not having to follow a set of rules, you mean? Isak laughed.

Even choked on his food as he started to laugh. – I didn’t mean… I was just talking about the food…

– I know, I know, Isak grinned, but he had to agree. The food tasted great. – Well, I prefer to have a nice recipe to follow.

Even grinned. – That’s great. It’s like we complement each other.

 _Damn_. He said it so innocently, like it was nothing. Isak smiled a shaky smile. – Hah, yeah, he muttered, and took another bite.

He tried not to stare at Even’s mouth. Even licked his lips and took another big bite.

Isak tore his eyes away and focused at his own food. He needed to control his feelings, so he could keep everything okay between them. He hated when they became stiff and stilted around each other, like earlier today.   

In a silent moment, Isak decided to say something. – You know, he said. – You don’t have to avoid me or step carefully around me or anything, okay?

– Okay? Even said.

Isak blushed. He wasn’t really sure what he was about to say. – Uhm, I think we need these… rules, but I’m not married to them.

Even smiled a slow smile. – So what you’re saying is, that when in doubt I should just ask?

– Yeah, Isak smiled back. – We both can.

– Sounds great, Even said, with a teasing look in his eyes. – Although you can basically expect that I will say yes. Thinking about long term consequences isn’t my strongest forte. So. If you’re in doubt, my answer will probably be yes.

Isak’s throat felt dry. He swallowed. Then he remembered his glass and took a sip. Even was most likely joking, at least partly, but his words still made Isak hot in his cheeks. – Right. Okay. I’ll bear that in mind. So. Uhm. Are you pleased with your interview?

He needed to talk about something else. _Anything_.

Even smiled. – Yeah, it was really fun to interview Eskild.  And he had some really good points.

– He did, Isak nodded.

Even looked at him for a moment. – So how do you feel about… like talking about being gay and stuff?

Isak shrugged. – It’s not like… I’m not afraid of the word gay. Not anymore, I guess. I think it’s a nice word, actually. I just… I agree with Eskild about the fitting in thing. And it’s just not fair, you know? Heteros don’t have to come out of the closet. Why do we?

– True. That is unfair. But I guess it’s important to be able to talk about it, too, right?

Isak nodded, but needed a moment to gather his thoughts. – Yeah, I think it’s important to talk about it, but mostly for your own sake. Like, I want to talk to my friends about this. Not because I owe anyone, but because I want to. I want to be real, and not a fake. And I want others to know.

– Yeah, I get that, Even said. His eyes were shining. Like he was proud.

Isak leaned back in his chair. Wow. Just saying it out loud like this felt sort of scary. – I don’t want to be a label, though, he added.

– No, Even said. – I don’t want to be a label, either. I like that I know who I am. And I like that I can find others like me.

Oh, that was so true. – So, is it good to be out? Isak asked. – As pan?

Even smiled a slow smile. – Yeah, I guess. Although it feels like I have to come out again and again, as I meet new people.

– Yeah.

– I haven’t really come out to _your_ friends either, you know.

– True. So is that the worst part of it all, do you thing? To come out again and again?

Even shook his head. – No, I guess the most difficult part of being pan is… I often hear that it’s just an excuse to sleep around. That’s not what it’s about at all.

– Ouch, yeah, Isak said. – It’s not like who you like decides if you like monogamous relationships or not.

– Exactly, Even said, red in his cheeks. – I guess that was why I was so scared that you thought I was the type to like… kiss around when I had a girlfriend.

– Oh. Yeah.

Isak froze, feeling his heart beating heavily in his chest. First of all, Even indirectly mentioned _that they had kissed_ . They hadn’t talked about that for ages. And secondly; _had_ ? Even had said _had a girlfriend_. Did that mean that Even and Sonja had broken up? Or not?

Even didn’t seem to notice that Isak got lost in his thoughts for a moment. He looked like he was so close to telling Isak something. But then he sucked his breath in and looked into the air, thinking. – I also get the question “wouldn’t it just be easier to find a girl?” he said. And it feels kind of wrong, you know? Like, I fall in love with someone, regardless of gender. I can’t just choose what’s easier? That’s not really a choice at all.

Isak nodded, although he blushed a little. The thought had hit him, that it would have been easier to be able to fall in love with girls, too, and not just boys. He had tried to do so, after all, and more than once. But of course, although it would have been easier, Even was right. He wouldn’t have been able to choose who he wanted to love, anyway.

– Yeah, I get that, he said.

Even glanced at him. – So… Do you think your parents will handle it well if you come out?

Isak shrugged. – Probably. I don’t know, he said, and hesitated a little. He knew he couldn’t keep it to himself anymore. He was tired of keeping things from Even, to be honest. – My dad will be okay with it, I think. Mom will probably struggle. She’s very religious. And, well, she struggles with her mental illness, so.

 _Damn_. He really said it.

– Oh, Even said, looking wary. – I’m sorry. Is that why things are difficult with your family?

Isak breathed out, feeling both a little nervous and relieved at the same time. – Well, partly, he said, searching for the right words. – I just... I had a rough time when dad left and I had to take care of mom alone. Things were kind of difficult, since she didn’t want to get treatment. But I moved out and… My dad tries to shove it all on me.

– That’s not right.

– No, it really isn’t, Isak sighed. He was so tired of it all. He didn’t want to talk much about it, though. – How about you? he asked. – How did your family take it?

– Mom and dad was pretty great about it, Even said with a smile. – Mom claimed that she had kinda known for a long time, because I used to crush on both boys and girls when I was a kid.

Isak smiled. The thought of a mini Even was just too precious not to smile.

Their talked eased into something pretty harmless after that. They finished the meal and tidied up, and decided to do some homework in Isak’s room. It went better than Isak had feared. He managed to do his homework pretty quickly, since he knew that he could spend time with Even afterwards.  

After the homework was done, they ended up in Isak’s bed watching shows on Netflix and cuddling. It was nice.   

So. They had basically broken another rule today. They had spent time together and eaten together. It was pretty close to a date.

Isak sighed. He didn’t really have the energy to care. He was determined to stick to the only rule they had  left, though. Even could sleep there, but he had to leave, first thing in the morning. No breakfast.

He had to try to protect his heart as much as he could. Although he deep down knew it was a lost cause, he had to try.

  


##  **Even: I forget doors all the time**

– And I’m telling you man, Isak muttered, with an annoyed look in his face. – It’s so annoying. Eskild never shuts the doors. Any doors! I just don’t get how it’s possible to forget to shut the door to the bathroom. Doesn’t he need privacy? And when he leaves the door to his room open, it cools down the whole apartment?!

Even chuckled. – Oh, I can promise you, I’m horrible like that. I forget doors all the time. And I leave food out, too.

Isak looked at him, and something in his eyes softened. – Yeah, I know. I guess I can do that sometimes, too. It’s just… we have talked about it so many times.

The two of them were at school, sitting on a window sill, talking. They were waiting for the other guys, so Even knew Isak wouldn’t protest that the two of them sat together. It was nice.

Isak didn’t seem to be in a great mood, though. He seemed worried about something, but he hadn’t told Even what it was. One thing was certain, it wasn’t just Eskild and his open doors. Something had bothered Isak since he got that text the other day, and muttered something about family issues. Even guessed that it had something to do about his mom. But he knew Isak didn’t want him to ask. So he didn’t.

– Yo, guys! Magnus called to them, and suddenly they were surrounded by Jonas, Magnus and Mahdi. Magnus plopped down next to them while the others kept standing in front of the window.

– Halla, Even said, smiling, and Isak did, too.

– Do you want to go grab some pizza or something? Mahdi asked. – We’re dead hungry and we wanna skip class.

– I don’t know, Isak muttered. – I can’t really skip this class. Maybe I could meet up with you guys later?

– Yeah, Even agreed. – I could meet up with you later, too.

Magnus shook his head. – You guys. You two agree about everything. You’re like an old couple.

Even felt a blush on his cheeks.

The others didn’t seem to notice. – Old couples bicker all the time, Magnus, Mahdi said. – That’s how the saying goes.

– Really?

Jonas nodded. – Yeah, really.

– Well Isak and Even are together all the time, and they agree about everything. They’re like a boring couple, I don’t care what the saying is.

– Well, we’re not, Isak blurted out.

It hurt a little. Even tried to ignore the feeling. – We’re friends, he added.

– And cuddle buddies, Magnus added. – Like that’s a thing.

– Well, it _is_ , Isak said.

Even looked at him. He knew that Isak struggled with the thought of coming out to his friends, and this banter didn’t seem to help at all. He knew that he couldn’t keep silent.

– Guys, he said. – Who cares what we are. It’s only labels, anyway.

Jonas seemed to react at once. It was almost like he had waited for a chance. – Fuck, that’s true, man, he said. – Sorry, guys.

Mahdi looked from Jonas, to Even, to back again. – Fuck, why do I have this feeling like I missed something? Like you’re talking about something else?

Isak shifted in his seat. Even shot him a quick glance, and he met his eyes. This was a perfect opportunity, actually. Well, maybe not perfect, but not horrible, either. Even raised his eyebrows.

Isak looked quickly at Jonas, who seemed to know exactly what Isak was thinking about too. He raised his impressive eyebrows in a dare.

That seemed to work.

– Guys… Isak started. –  I want to tell you something.

– Yeah? Magnus said. – What?

Isak’s eyes were wide. It was pretty obvious that he dreaded this. – I… uhm… I don’t really like girls, he said. – I like boys.

– You’re gay? Magnus asked, looking shocked.

Isak looked flustered. – No, well, maybe, yeah. It’s not like I’m into all guys, you know?

Magnus still looked shocked. – But you make out with girls all the time?

 _Say what?_ Even didn’t quite like the sound of that.

Isak just shook his head.

– Are you pansexual, then? Mahdi asked.

– Pan? Magnus asked, looking like a question mark.

– Pansexuals are attracted to all genders, Even explained.

– Isn’t that bisexual?

Even shook his head. – Bi means two or more genders. Boys and girls, for instance, or other genders.

Magnus stared at him. – What’s the difference to pansexual, then?

– Isn’t that pretty obvious? Isak asked, sounding a little annoyed. – Pan means all, and bi basically means two.

– Of course, this is how I define it, Even quickly added. – You might meet others defining it differently.

– Right, Magnus nodded, – that makes sense, though. Mom is _bi_ polar, that means two poles. So.

Even’s breath hitched, but it didn’t seem like anyone other than Isak noticed. Isak sent him a small smile. He looked both a little tense and relieved at the same time. Like he didn’t know where this would end at all.

– I guess I’m not pan, Isak said then. He bit his lip. – Or bi. I’m uh… gay. It’s just hard to say it out loud sometimes.

– Well, I’m glad you told us, Mahdi said, grinning.

– Yeah, that’s cool, Magnus nodded.

Jonas just smiled. He looked kind of proud.

They all took it pretty well, really. Even wanted to tell them that he was pan, too. But wouldn’t it steal Isak’s thunder?

However, this time it was Isak’s time to stare at him and raise his eyebrows. _Come on,_ his expression said.

– Uh, I’m actually pan, Even said.

– Really? Magnus asked. His eyes were shining. – I thought you were joking when you said you might like boys, too. How _is_ that?

Even shrugged. – I don’t know, it just is.

The boys nodded. – That’s cool, Mahdi said.

– Yeah, Jonas said. For some reason he looked kind of excited. Like Even had come out with good news.

Even met Isak’s eyes, and they both smiled a little. Wow. They actually did it. And it wasn’t that bad, at all.

Then the bell rang and Isak and Even had to go to their classes. They gave each other bro hugs and everything felt kind of nice.

– See you later, Even said to Isak. – That was cool.

Isak shrugged, but he smiled. He shot him another quick glance. – Yeah, I guess. Later then?

– Yeah, later.

The last class went pretty quickly. When Even and Isak met the others at the pizza place after school, they had a great time. Isak seemed more relaxed than he had in a long time.

Even had a feeling in the back of his mind, though. When he hung with the boys like this, it reminded him of his old gang. He wanted to contact them, but he didn’t quite know how to do it.

After the pizza they all parted ways and Even went home to do some homework.

It was hard to concentrate.

All he could think about was his old buddies.

In the end, he put his books away and reached for his phone. He had been pretty brave today. Maybe he was brave enough to do something else too?

 _Hi, Sana,_ he texted, as he felt his heart beating faster. _Could you tell the boys that I miss them? That it would be cool to meet them again?_

The answer was immediate: _Of course, Even!_

Even let out a slow and shaky breath. It was a first step. He put his phone away, because he couldn’t stand the thought of waiting for another text or a call. He couldn’t focus on his homework, either. So in the end he packed his bag and went over to Kollektivet. It was almost bedtime, anyway.

They usually ended up in Isak’s place. Isak’s bed was so much better than Even’s bunk bed.

Isak let him in, and hugged him. – Halla, he said, softly.

– Halla.

Isak let him step out of his shoes as he went towards his room. – Everything good?

– Yeah. I contacted my old buddies today, Even admitted.

– Wow, that’s great, Isak said, smiling. He sat down on his bed.

Even joined him on the bed. – Yeah, I hope so, he said. – I don’t know. I just know I can’t keep running away.

Isak nodded as he leant back on his hands. He looked relaxed. Pleased.

– Actually, Even added, – I can’t believe how brave we have both been today. It’s pretty awesome.

– Right? Isak grinned. – We’re fucking masters at this.

– Yes we are.

Even paused. It was often a little tense between them, just before their cuddles. – Ready for a night cuddle? he asked.

– Hell, yeah, Isak nodded. He wriggled out of his jeans. – I’ve been stressing over school work. I need to wind down. Come here.

Even smiled. Isak actually looked less stressed out than he had many times before. However, Even didn’t argue. He took off his sweater and stepped out of his trousers.

They settled into bed together. Isak seemed to get sleepy pretty quickly. Even held him close. Sometimes when they hugged it felt like Isak’s cuddles were the only antidote Even had to this cold world. Not tonight. Tonight Even felt brave, safe and strong. Isak just made him feel safer.

Even wanted Isak to wrap him in his arms and never let go, keep him safe and warm. In return Even would never let go of Isak, he would defend him, and keep him safe. He pulled Isak closer.

Isak’s green eyes opened and Even sort of smiled. Isak stared at him, blinking, his eyelashes brushing against Even’s cheek.

– Just sleep, Even muttered. He tried to hide his smile as best as he could.

Isak rolled his eyes and nuzzled into Even’s shoulder, his golden hair inches from Even’s nose. Even could smell his distinct scent, which was too good for words.

Even held back a groan. It was getting difficult to keep things platonic. Isak still seemed to be determined to stick to the only rule left, though.

– You gotta go before breakfast, he muttered.

Even didn’t even bother to reply. He knew there was no use in protesting. After a few agonizing minutes, he felt Isak go limp as he went to sleep and Even smiled, pulling Isak closer.

It was a little difficult to fall asleep, but in the end he shut his eyes and relaxed and the world faded away.

After a few hours of sleep, Even woke up and realized that he had forgotten his meds that evening. That had happened a little too often lately.

_Fuck._

It had been a while since Even had fooled himself like this. He had to admit that the past couple months, he had been so caught up in Isak that the much needed rigidity of his schedule had slipped. Not every day, of course, but it had happened several times.

He had been feeling so naturally good and getting distracted by school and his crush that he had been playing fast and loose with his pill schedule, feeling he could maintain easily enough throughout his lapses. But his body needed the routine and his mind was a fucking betrayal.

Even knew his body chemistry wasn’t going to change because he was falling in love. His brain wasn’t going to magically rewire itself because he was happy and crushing. Cuddling with Isak wasn’t going to fix what was already broken. It wasn’t until he was lying next to Isak, unable to sleep, feeling his thoughts start to spiral and his leg bouncing that he remembered that his life didn’t work that way.

He chanced leaving Isak’s bed for a few minutes so he could get the pills out of his jacket, take them and sneak back into bed. By the time he got his hands on them, and looked for a glass in the kitchen, he was so damned nervous and twitchy, he kept knocking shit over. He hated how quickly he started to struggle when his schedule got messed up.

– You robbing me in the middle of the night, or just wrecking my place? Isak grumbled from the doorway.

Even was startled and stared at Isak, who was rubbing his eyes sleepily. _God_ , he looked adorable like this. His hair was lazily ruffled into a beautiful chaos, his eyes were heavy lidded and he looked almost… vulnerable, like he hadn’t had time to put his daytime protective mask on yet.

– No, I was just… Even shifted and tried to use his body to block a part of the table. Of course, his behaviour only pulled Isak’s attention exactly where Even didn’t want it and Isak caught sight of Even’s pill dispenser. Isak reached around him to pick it up before Even could even form a protest.

Isak stared at the box. – You take this many in one go? I thought you only took lithium.

Even gave a bitter snort. – Nope. It’s several.

He grabbed the dispenser and put it away. Isak looked at him closely; took in Even’s twitchiness.

Even could feel tears of frustration and embarrassment welling up. Between the beginning hints of hypomania and the pills kicking in, he was feeling fraught and emotional.

This wasn’t the Even he wanted Isak to have—a nineteen year old mental case that couldn’t go a few days without his brain going haywire. He wanted to give Isak Even at sixteen, young and earnest, whole and healthy, before something reached inside him and flipped some stupid switch in his brain.

– You usually take them this late? Isak asked.

Even glanced at Isak and looked away. He knew that he couldn’t distract Isak to get away with bullshit this time.

– It doesn’t matter. I just don’t wanna bother you with it all, he muttered. – I don’t want you to get an idea of the full scope of this shit, to be honest.

– Seriously? Isak said, frowning. – Cut the crap. Tell me.

Even sighed. – I’m like… a mess, Isak. I’m an illusion held together by pills and boring routines, okay?

A part of him kept screaming to stop talking, to stop telling Isak all this scary, crazy shit before he ran. However, the last thing he wanted to do was to get close to Isak, just to lose him when he realized how bad things were. If Isak needed to bail, Even needed it to be now while he still might be able to survive when he let him go.

– You’re okay, Even, Isak protested.

Even shook his head. – Seven a.m. and seven p.m., he confessed, – that’s when I’m supposed to take them, but I’ve been a little distracted lately...

– Seriously? Isak asked quietly and Even scratched his arm in agitation. – What, you were worried I’d freak out if you took a minute to take your meds?

Even sighed. He had been brave today, but this… This would need all his courage. He knew he had to say it, though. – I... uh… It can get pretty bad, Isak.

– How bad?

Even’s throat was dry. He tried to swallow. – You know the episode I had? he said, almost whispering. – It was awful. I tried to kill myself.

 

##  **Isak:  You can stay**

Isak woke up around one a.m. to find that he was alone in bed. For a second he wondered if Even had left, but it wasn’t very likely and the thuds and muffled swearing coming from his kitchen seemed to indicate otherwise. He slid out of bed, yanked on his sweatpants and shuffled out into his living room. He padded softly into the kitchen and surprised Even when Isak called out to him.

– You robbing me in the middle of the night, or just wrecking my place?

Even didn’t look amused. He looked like a deer caught in the headlights. Then he tried to hide it, but Isak noticed his pill dispenser and finally got what was going on. Even had forgotten his meds. And right now he looked like he really needed his meds.

The two of them had a serious talk, right there in the kitchen. Even tried to bullshit about not wanting to bother Isak about it, but then he suddenly dropped the bomb.

_– I tried to kill myself._

_Oh. Okay. Fuck._

Even was pale and tight lipped, and looked like he feared the worst.

– I’m sorry, Isak said then. He was dizzy. For some reason the phrase “ _keep passing the open windows_ ” popped up in his head, and he remembered their talk about open doors earlier. It wasn’t connected at all, but his thoughts bounced around, it was like his mind couldn’t quite fathom the meaning of Even’s words.

He knew, though. He knew what Even meant. Things had been so bad that Even had wanted to _die_.

– I don’t… I don’t know what to say.

Even looked tired. – You don’t have to say anything, really, he said. – I just want you to know. Things have been really bad. And they can get bad again. Maybe not like that, but I can’t promise anything.

The care and worry in Even’s eyes is taking Isak’s breath away. _Fuck_. It’s not enough that Even is the most beautiful man he had ever met. He’s such a warm and wonderful person, too.

– I know, things can get bad, he responded. His eyes narrowed when he noticed that Even was trembling. He reached out instinctively and touched Even’s arm, – Hey, you okay?

Even shrugged, but leaned closer. – Yeah, I’m just... nervous. And I guess I get a little like this before the meds work, too.

Isak nodded. – Seven a.m., seven p.m., huh… I’ll remember from now on, he said and looked closer at Even. – Even, I’m not going to freak out because you need to stop for a minute and take care of yourself, man. Who would?

– Nobody, I guess, Even said, blushing. – And it’s not like I avoided taking my meds. I just… forgot. I forget stuff sometimes, remember?

– Right. Okay. Like doors.

Even smiled. – Like doors.

Another silence filled the room. Isak felt like he should ask some more questions, or say something, but he didn’t know what. It was in the middle of the night, and they could probably talk more about this in the morning. He was glad Even had told him, though.

His tired, sluggish mind finally realized that he probably should say so.

– I’m glad you told me, Even, he said.

Even smiled a little. Nodded. Then he shifted from one foot to the other. – I should tell you something else, too, he said, in a long breath.

Isak tensed. – Yeah?

– Yeah, I don’t want us to have secrets for each other. It’s so… exhausting.

– True.

Even looked a little embarrassed. – I don’t know why I haven’t told you before. But I broke up with Sonja. And it was a while back, to be honest.

_What the fuck?_

Isak stared at him, trying to find explanations in his eyes. – A while back.

– Yeah, Even said. – Almost four months ago, to be precise. It was the same day we were in that swimming pool, you know…

– Oh.

_The swimming pool. The massage. The kiss._

Isak couldn't believe it. Even was single. And he had been single since that time. Isak’s heart raced in his chest.

Even just looked at him. Sincere eyes.

– Whu… Why didn’t you tell me?

– I have no idea, Even shrugged. – I was going to tell you at once, but then it just became harder and harder, I don’t know.

Isak nodded. He could get that. Sometimes stuff was difficult to tell. – Okay, he said. – So. Are you okay with that? Or are you sad?

Even’s eyes widened and he smiled a shaky smile. – I’m not sad! he said.

Isak couldn’t help smiling back. – Yeah?

– Yeah. I just… I want you to know who I am. I am messy, Isak. It’s not just that I forget the open doors or leave food out. I have this illness that makes me unpredictable at best, and I sometimes struggle to say the things that need to be said, too.

– So, you fuck up, Isak said.

– Yeah.

Isak nodded. – Well, so do I. We all fuck up, Even.

– That’s not what I mean.  

– I know, Isak said. And he did. – I get what you’re saying. Things can get really bad, and you want me to be prepared. Because you’re a good friend, and… You want me to know what I’m getting myself into. But there’s no use in worrying, really.

Even looked partly surprised and partly worried. – What do you mean?

Isak shrugged. – The world can explode tomorrow, but there’s no use in worrying. Let’s focus on right now instead, he explained. Then he smiled.  – And right now, we need sleep.

Even gave him a faint smile. – I guess.

Isak looked at Even and noticed that Even seemed less agitated. – You good now? he asked. Then he raised his eyebrows. – Because some of us need our beauty rest.

Even nodded and Isak readied to leave, but paused and rubbed his knuckles apprehensively. – You probably need a good night’s sleep, so you can sleep in here tomorrow. Maybe have some breakfast in the morning, too, if you want.

Even blinked in surprise and straightened. – Was I just invited to stay longer in the morning, Isak? he asked, and looked like a hopeful puppy. – Oh… or could we stay in all day?

– _Fuck you_ is what you were invited to, Isak snorted, but he couldn’t hide the smile in his voice. – Don’t push your luck. The door’s right fucking there if you wanna leave. I’m going to bed.

With that, Isak turned and went to his room, eventually burying his small smile in his pillow when Even sank into bed next to him.

Even's hand moved around Isak’s middle, big and warm. Even’s body was moulded to Isak’s, sharing his body heat, but also saying _okay, I am here, I am giving this a try; focusing on the now_. And it felt like a gift.

When Isak felt Even's breath in his neck, he shivered. Fuck, he wanted this so badly. It was no doubt, he wanted more than cuddles. Right now, though, his body needed the closeness and the sleep more than it needed anything else. Isak melted into the sleepy hug and yawned. He felt warm and safe. Even’s arms wrapped right around him gave him a feeling of peace.  

One night and breakfast together. No biggie. 

Just for tonight, he would make an exception. He could always kick Even out later.

 _Yeah right, as if._ Isak smirked into his pillow. Even his sleepy brain didn’t accept that thought. Even would stay. His body was warm and close to Isak. And Isak knew that he was a lost cause and that he probably had been for a long time.

  
  
  



	7. Tonight

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Isak and Even have been cuddling and pining for four months. What happens when they don't have to pine anymore?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry it's been so long. If you still read this, THANK YOU, and please leave me a word or two! :D
> 
> Btw I upped the rating for this chapter... wink, wink, nudge, nudge.
> 
> Thank you so much @arindwell and @evakuality for beta reading this chapter, too! <3 <3 <3 You are amazing (btw all the typos and errors and shit are probably from my last edit that my beta readers haven't had a chance to look at... because I'm impatient as fuck, and on my holiday, and now I have a PC and a possibility to post...).

##  ****

##  **Even: If I know one thing**

Even was confused when he woke up and it wasn’t from Isak’s alarm. However, there was a syrupy warmth spreading all through his body. One that started in his stomach and crawled deliciously up his spine.

His breath hitched as the realisation hit him – he was snuggled into Isak and his hard dick was pressed against the firmness of Isak’s ass. In his boxers of course, but still. _Fuck_. It felt so good. Even pushed down the feeling of want that threatened to overwhelm him. He stared at Isak’s neck in front of him, the messy curls in the back and the lines of his neck and shoulder.

For a moment Even wondered if Isak was awake already, his rigid posture and laboured breathing were kind of giving him away. But then Even heard the sound of a text ticking into his phone. He took a deep breath, untangled himself from Isak and turned around to pick his phone up.

_Elias Bakkoush._

Even’s body cooled down as he stared at the name. Elias, with his wide smile, brown eyes and his big heart. Elias, who always seemed so chill, but who hid his insecurities and worries deep inside. Elias, who struggled to find his own way. Even felt warm just looking at the two texts that had popped in on his phone. His heart beat fast and hard as he opened the texts:

_Halla, Even. :) Sana told me that you texted her, man. It’s so great to hear from you._

_Wanna meet up for a coffee later?_

Wow _._ This was really happening. Even swallowed thickly. The relief was almost overwhelming. He was over the first step, the biggest. He wanted to answer, but he needed to be slightly more awake (and less aroused) to find the right words.

Even was about to put his phone away, when the date caught his eye.

_Tuesday. September 27th. 2016._

His heart sped up again. Holy _crap._ It was exactly four months since the last time he cuddled with Isak, well through the app, anyway. Four months since they swam in the pool and did the massage. Four months since they kissed.

Even put his phone away and looked at Isak lying next to him. Isak must have turned to face him, and if he had been awake earlier, he looked like he was deep asleep now.  Even's heart clenched as he stared at Isak’s beautiful face, the dark lashes against the pale skin, the messy curly hair. So gorgeous. 

Somehow, this date had snuck up on Even. He had counted the days and hours, waiting for the date when they could throw away the rules, but these last days he had lost track. It had disappeared in a haze of cuddles, hormones and feelings.  

And last night he had told Isak _everything_. He had told Isak about all his difficulties, and all his worries, and even that he had tried to kill himself. He had told Isak he had broken up with Sonja, too. It had felt like a small thing in comparison, but Isak’s reaction had been instant.

Even couldn’t help feeling that it meant something.That Isak was just as invested in this between them that he was.

He let a finger trace Isak's eyebrow. Isak had told him more too, about his mom and his difficulties. And he had even come out to his boy squad. _No more secrets._ Well, almost. Even couldn’t tell Isak how hard he had fallen. Not yet. He didn't want to scare Isak away.

He couldn’t help that a smile grew on his face. He couldn't believe it. Four months. That meant they didn’t have to play any games anymore. They didn’t have to follow any of those stupid rules.

The funny part was, they had basically broken all the rules, anyway. Even had met up with Isak in the daytime. They had spent evenings together and eaten together. And Even had been allowed to stay overnight until after breakfast. Well, that was the plan for today, anyway.

They had done everything but kissing, and… all the other sexy stuff Even didn’t want to think about right now. He couldn’t think about it, because then he would get even more hot and flustered, and he couldn’t afford that right now.

Even stared at Isak. He must have stared intensely, or maybe his phone and movements had been too noisy, because Isak twisted a little, and then he opened his eyes.

 _Damn_. Those deep green eyes...

– Morning, Isak said in a rough voice.

– Morning, Even smiled. He couldn’t not smile.

Isak was distracted when his phone pinged, and he looked at his phone and groaned. – Fuck. I’m so not in the mood for working today.

Even stirred a little. He didn’t want Isak to work either. He knew it was selfish, but he only wanted Isak to cuddle _him_ now. He didn’t say anything about it but looked at Isak. God, he was good looking.

– I’ll let Vilde take this, Isak mumbled, and put away his phone. Then he hugged his pillow and stared at Even. – I just realized I forgot to thank you, he said, smiling a little.

– For what? Even asked, frowning.

Isak yawned and rubbed his eyes. – For the referrals; you have given me a lot of work. I had to transfer half of them to Vilde, actually. So. Thanks.

– I hear you haven't let me down, Even smiled. – They’re all saying that you’re damn good.

Isak shrugged. – Well, I’m not sure I’m doing it for long. I’m starting to get fed up with this job.

– Really? Even asked, and tried to hide his relief.

– Yeah. Maybe I get enough cuddles.

Even grinned. – True. You have me, after all.

– Exactly, Isak laughed. – I do have you.

His laughter was beautiful.

Ah, this was a good day. Their quarantine was over and Isak was quitting his cuddler job? This was huge. There were no hindrances anymore, it was exciting and almost… scary. Suddenly Even didn’t know if he was smiling because he was happy or because he was nervous.

Isak gave Even a quick glance. – You’re in a good mood? And you’re awake early, too? Fuck, the alarm hasn’t gone off yet. What’s up?

– Well, Even hesitated, bubbling with nervous energy, but then he couldn’t hold it in anymore. – You know what? I just found out. It’s Tuesday. September 27th.

– Right, Isak responded, as he rubbed his eyes. Then he froze. – 27th?

– Yeah. It’s been four months, Isak.

Even bit his lip, but he couldn’t help that a smile grew on his face.

Green eyes stared into his. – Right, Isak said and paused. Then he smirked. – I was just about to brag about how flexible I am to bend the rules today. Since I let you stay longer. And then we don’t need the rules anymore?

– No, we don’t.

A half smile ghosted over Isak’s face. – That’s kinda funny, he said.

Even hummed and smiled. It was, but it was also weird to hear Isak say it out loud. It was as if it became more real. Shit. This was really happening. They stared at each other. A careful silence spread between them.

_What now?_

Even didn’t know. He only knew he wanted to get closer to Isak. He wanted to cuddle, kiss and more. So much _more_. It scared him a little, how much he wanted. However, there was a chance Isak wanted something too, right? There had been signs, like how he looked at Even, how his eyes shone and how he smiled. Or was Even making it up?

He should be careful.

– So… We can eat breakfast together, he said. – And we can cuddle as much as we like. And meet each other when we like.

– Yeah, Isak said. He looked stunned. – We can date.

Even nodded. All he could think of was how desperately he wanted to kiss Isak’s lips. – You remember that I asked you if we could go out together, right? Four months ago?

– Yeah, Isak said, and a blush grew on his cheeks. – If… uhm… you're still interested, I'm… We could do that now.

– Like right now? Even asked. He couldn't believe he was being such a dork.

Isak sounded nervous when he laughed. – Maybe not. We have school, he said.

Even nodded. – But we’re having breakfast together.

It wasn’t a question.

– Yes. And maybe we can skip the first classes at school? Isak whispered. – So we can take it a little slow today?

And _hot damn_ , the look in Isak’s eyes.

Even could hardly breathe. – Yeah, he said.

As Isak drew closer Even felt his heart beating so hard he feared Isak could hear it, and then he would know how much Even wanted this. He wanted to kiss Isak so badly. He hesitated, caught in nerves and lust.

Luckily, Isak solved the problem. He leaned in close and pushed Even down into the bed.

– I’m not sure if this is a little early, Isak muttered, – But… Fuck it. Uhm, I mean, if it’s okay?

Isak’s voice was low and his face was so close.

Even’s heart was beating so fast that he was dizzy. He croaked out a: – Yeah.

Finally, _finally_ , Isak’s lips met his. And it was _so good_. Gentle but passionate, he pressed his lips onto Even’s lips. The world around Even slowed so he could be in this moment. His heart fluttered, and he kissed Isak back. Isak’s lips were soft and warm. He put his hand on the back of Even’s head, pulling him closer.

Even shivered. He craved more of Isak’s touch. He felt hot breath on his neck, then the tender brush of lips, burning as they made contact. Isak ran his hand through Even’s hair, as the kisses became harder and more urgent. His other hand slid around Even’s waist, and pulled him close.

 _Fuck_ , this was really happening. Even felt so alive, and it was wild, and so much, it was too much. He had been waiting for this in months, and now… It was real.

His heart was racing. He wanted to do everything with Isak. But it suddenly hit him that it was scary, too. Something was… It was _too much, too quickly._ He was suddenly allowed to do what he had wanted for such a long time and now… Isak was here and they could do it all and… Even felt like Isak turned him inside out. Their rules were gone. And he had no idea what he was supposed to be doing anymore.

Fuck, this was _too much_.

He pulled back. – Uh, wait, he said, eyes squeezed shut and chest heaving. The beating from his heart roared in his ears.

– Huh? Isak stared at him, confused and breathing hard. Even must have moved fast because Isak was all the way… over there. No longer close enough for Even to feel his body heat anymore

He needed the distance. He needed to _think_.

Isak kept staring at him and he looked – he was blushing. It was hot. He looked like he didn't have a clue as to what the fuck was going on. He looked frustrated.

And Even… Shit, he knew he had to explain, but he didn’t know how to. His cheeks were hot. – It's good, he said, holding up his hands. It created a barrier between them like he needed it to keep Isak from jumping him. But to be honest he needed it more to stop himself. – It’s good we're, uhm, on the same page, Even said. – But if we...

Isak quirked his eyebrows, – If we..?

– If we do stuff now then we're probably, I mean. I'm gonna want other stuff. More stuff, Even said, in a rush. – Stuff that I need some time to figure out if I’m ready to… do.

– Oh, Isak said. He looked bummed. – So you want to have sex with me but you also don’t?

_Oh fuck._

Even felt that his blush deepened even further. He was scared. It was weird. He could do countless stupid things without fear, but when it came to taking chances with his heart, he was a total coward.

– Yes, okay? Maybe? he said. – Shit, I don’t know. It’s just… I’m so ready, you have no idea, Isak. I feel like I have been walking around with a boner for months. I’m confused, that’s all. It’s a bit much. I’m in this bed with you and stuff when you're… when I finally _can_ and –

– Can? Isak smirked. – I'm such a sure thing for you, Even?

Even rolled his eyes. A part of him was relieved that Isak could tease him about this. – If I know one thing, it's that you want to fuck me, Isak. Well, at least date me. But I’m pretty sure you want to fuck me too.

Something went through Isak at that moment, because his eyes darkened. – Fuck, you're so right about that, he told Even, voice sounding strangled.

At those words a wave of want and pure heat travelled through Even's entire body, settling low, in the pit of his stomach. – Jesus, he said, jumping up from the bed. He was blushing heavily now, he could feel it. – Fuck, you… um, he muttered.

He tried to hide his dick tenting his boxers, as he walked past Isak, headed for the bathroom. – I think we should get up and get some breakfast and... he said, not knowing how to end the sentence.

– Right, Isak muttered, nodding. He took a deep breath. – And we should go to school.

– Yeah. And maybe we can talk about this later? Even continued from the doorway. He tried his best a) not to sound too horny, and b) not to sound too panicked. Because he really didn’t get what was happening right now. – We can figure out everything later, right?

They had to find a way to figure it out.

Isak nodded, and then he smiled a quick smile. – Uh, okay, he said. If he was worried, Even couldn’t see it. But he did look thoughtful. – Maybe we can meet up after school or something? Or maybe tonight?

 _Oh._ They could meet up, because it was allowed now.

– Oh, Even said. Then he smiled. He was maybe panicking a little but he still couldn’t help teasing Isak. – Like a date?

Isak went completely still for like three whole seconds and Even thought that he had fucked up for real.

But then Isak smiled, nodding his head. – Yeah, he said. – Like a date.

##  **Isak: I would have... If I could**

Isak woke up to Even draped over him like an octopus – one arm covering his, a leg casually draped over him, and his breathing stirring the small hairs at the nape of Isak’s neck. Isak thought it would feel too heavy and suffocating, but it wasn’t that way at all. He felt warm and anchored and _safe_. It was more than that, though. He felt horny, too. The warmth from Even’s body heated him up like a slow burning fire. When Isak felt Even’s dick pressed against his ass, he felt like he was going to combust.

Normally, he hated mornings. But waking up like this was a pleasurable torture. He tried to lie still and not wake Even up. He should probably move away and give Even some privacy, of course, but… he didn’t want to. It felt too good.

He kept quiet, and didn’t move when Even stirred a little behind him; he just hoped that Even would keep sleeping. That they could lie here a little bit longer. The heat from Even’s body was almost addictive. It felt right and smelt right and Isak never wanted to leave. The sensation of Even’s hips and hard dick made Isak’s cheeks heat up while a warm feeling gathered in his belly and his dick got hard.

However, Even’s phone pinged and he pulled away to look at it. Isak had to hold back a disappointed sigh as his back felt colder without him. He shut his eyes and pretended to sleep. Tried to will his own hard dick to _calm down_. While Even read his text, Isak rolled over so he was facing Even. Maybe he could steal a glance or two.

Isak opened his eyes to find Even looking sleepy and adorable. Even frowned at his phone and Isak wanted to touch that frown and those plush lips, and…

It was so easy to let his mind drift into daydreams of all the things he wanted to do with Even. All the things he wanted them to become. He couldn’t afford to believe that this thing they had would end up like in a fairy tale, though. Isak held back a sigh. How could it? He was just a regular guy while Even’s life was about making interesting and intelligent movies and being charming and cool and… Well, Even had shown more than one side, Isak had to admit that. Even was a dork. And he had issues. Not that it made Isak Iike him any less.

 _Fuck_ , he was so gone for Even, it wasn’t even funny.

Even put his phone away and Isak knew he had to shut his eyes and keep them shut. He breathed slowly and steadily, trying to look like he was asleep. He could feel Even’s eyes on him. It felt heavy, like Even was thinking about something.

For a brief moment he felt Even’s finger tracing his eyebrow. _Fuck_ , what was that? Isak struggled to lie still. He wanted to open his eyes and see what Even was up to.

In the end, Isak couldn’t fake it anymore. He stirred, pretended to wake up and opened his eyes.

Even stared back at him. And _holy crap_ , those blue eyes…

– Morning, Isak said, hoping that his voice didn’t reveal how hot and bothered he was.

– Morning, Even smiled. His eyes had this sparkle and steady focus, that Isak hoped was a sign of interest.

Then Isak’s phone pinged with the cuddle app, and Isak sighed in annoyance. He couldn’t help complaining to Even as he forwarded the request to Vilde. He didn’t want to cuddle a stranger today. He didn’t want a stranger any day.

However, when he told Even that he was fed up with the cuddler job and that he had enough cuddles, he wasn’t prepared for Even’s answer.

– You have me, after all.

Even said it as a light joke, but it took Isak’s breath away. Isak laughed, but it was more to hide the shock that went through his body. _Damn_. He had Even, it was sort of true, at least this morning. They were going to have a slow morning, too, because he had decided to bend the rules for once and...

Another shock came when Even with a bright smile told him what day it was.

_September 27th._

Isak’s heart beat wildly fast. The four months were over! He tried to joke it away, but it was kind of overwhelming. He didn’t need to follow or bend any dating rules anymore. _Ever_.

He wanted to laugh out loud and… maybe shout out in excitement? But he managed only to smile while he hugged his duvet.

Even smiled too, and looked... excited? Nervous? It was hard to tell.  His smile and his movements seemed to be buzzing with some underlying tension.

 _What now, though?_ They were in this bed together and Isak wanted to do _so much_. He wanted Even so badly, he couldn’t deny that. He wanted to do all the things they had avoided for months. He wanted to kiss, touch, taste and smell. All the possibilities made him lightheaded.

– You remember that I asked you if we could go out together, right? Even asked. He looked hot in his cheeks.

Isak felt like he was burning up when he stuttered that they could do that now. If Even still was interested.

– Like right now? Even asked.

Isak laughed a little, but mostly to cover up his nerves. It wasn’t a yes, but it wasn’t a no, either. At least Even seemed to want to date as soon as possible. For a moment the idea of skipping the whole school day sounded tempting, but Isak decided to be rational about it. He pointed out that they had school first.

Even nodded. – But we’re having breakfast together.

He seemed very determined about that, and Isak didn’t know why he liked it, but he did.  

In a moment of bravery, Isak whispered that they could skip the first classes… and _oh_. The possibilities swirled inside of him and he didn’t know how to contain it all.

Even stared at him, and he responded with a hoarse. – Yeah.

Even had these wide eyes and a small smile around his mouth and Isak could see what Even was wishing for then. Even wanted to kiss him, but he didn’t dare to.

For some reason, that made Isak braver. He didn’t know much, but he knew that he wanted this.He moved closer.  – Fuck it, he said, and then they kissed.

Isak pulled Even into the kiss he'd wanted from the day they'd met. Even’s lips were so plush and warm under his, and Even kissed him back and sighed into his mouth. Their lips and tongues drew moans from both of them.

Isak had never felt so hungry for something or someone before. When he left Even’s lips, he went for Even’s long neck. He ran his hand through Even’s hair and he kissed Even’s neck harder.

 _Oh, god_ . He wanted this so badly. He wanted to kiss Even all over and cuddle him. He wanted to fuck him into the bed, too. He wanted _everything_.

But then, Even pulled back. – Uh… wait, he said, eyes squeezed shut.

– Huh? Isak said, confused and breathless.

Even opened his eyes and fuck, he looked good. Flustered and confused, and something that seemed … nervous?

Definitely nervous. Scared, too? Even stuttered and said that if they continued he wanted to do _more stuff_ . And that he didn’t know if he was ready for _more stuff_.

Isak got it. This was a lot. They had both spent four months with these rules holding them back. It was more than a lot. Isak knew he shouldn’t take any of it personally. Still, there was a tiny part of him feeling insecure. What if Even didn’t want him anymore? He shook the feeling off, knowing he was being irrational. Even seemed to want this just as much, and Isak could totally get that this was scary. Their waiting time was over, but now that they could do what they wanted, everything felt scarier. What if everything went to hell?

So he tried to be supportive and he tried teasing Even a little.

– I’m such a sure thing for you? he asked, and Even eased up. He said that if he knew one thing, it was that Isak wanted him. And, shit, that was so true. Isak confirmed that, yes, he wanted to fuck Even, and _oh, fuck,_ it was so hard to stay away. And Even stared at him with dark eyes and parted lips and then he jumped out of bed, like Isak had shot him with an arrow.

Isak took comfort in noticing Even’s tenting boxers. At least he wasn’t alone in wanting this. Even might be panicking, but he wanted the same.

Even said that they could talk about everything later, and Isak suggested that they could meet up tonight. Some of the familiar playfulness turned up in Even’s face again. – Like a date? he said.   

And Isak froze. A _date_.

Hearing those words from Even meant everything. They could go on a date. If they wanted to. And damn, Isak wanted to. Well, he didn’t want to go out, but he wanted to be able to spend time with Even and call it a date.  

So he smiled, nodding his head. – Yeah, he said, swallowing. – Like a date. If you're still interested, I'm… We could do that now.

Right then Even didn’t look scared at all. He _beamed_.

They started their day, and Isak tried not to think about why Even had panicked about getting intimate with him. Instead, Isak jacked off in the shower, as he had done so often lately, anyway. Hell, it was almost a routine by now. Something was different today, though. He felt a new desperation that he hadn’t felt before. Even was sort of within reach now, and that made Isak’s feelings more raw somehow.

They got dressed, and then they had breakfast together in the kitchen. Eskild and Linn pretended not to notice that this breakfast thing was something new, but Isak could feel their eyes burning as they hurried with their own breakfasts and making their lunches.

Isak tried to ignore them while Even smiled and answered their questions. Even seemed in a good mood. Nervous, but…  at ease. It was annoying to see how poised and cool he was, to be honest.

Isak was anything but cool.

Eating the breakfast together went fine, though. Some of the tension had disappeared, probably down the drain in the shower, and Isak was able to talk and laugh to Even about this and that. Isak liked it. He realized that he could get used to this.

They took the tram to school, and Even listened to some music and texted someone while Isak read over his homework. Although things were a little tense and Isak had no idea what would happen next, it felt nice. Domestic, even. Isak could _really_ get used to this.

Even took his hand as they got off the tram, and it felt significant. He seemed more relaxed for some reason, and the feeling of Even’s warm hand made something settle a little inside of Isak. They would figure this out. They only needed a little time.

Even had gotten scared, that’s all. Isak only wished that he knew _why_.

Even and Isak arrived at school at break time, so all their classmates were hanging outside in the schoolyard.

When Isak saw the others he felt the muscles in his stomach tighten. _Shit._ He didn’t know if he was ready for this. He felt how the others were looking at the two of them showing up together and it was too much.

What could he tell the others, anyway? He and Even had a thing, but… what were they? They hadn’t talked about anything like that. Were they anything at all? And who was he? Was he ready to tell everyone that he was gay? The boys knew already, of course, but what about everyone else?

 _Fuck_ , he couldn’t do this. Not when everything was such a mess.

This morning Even had been panicking, but right now, it seemed like Isak was panicking a little himself. It was just too much.

He wasn’t ready.

He stopped by the edge of the schoolyard and dropped Even’s hand, wincing a little as he did it. – Uh, I think I’ll go to my locker first, he said.

Even looked at him, and he looked concerned when he nodded. – Uhm, okay. Are you alright?

– Yeah, I’m fine. I just… I’m not in the mood to talk to everyone. And I have to find some stuff in my locker, too, so… See you later?

– Yeah. That’s fine, Isak, Even smiled. If he still was worried, Isak couldn’t see it. He seemed careful when he opened his arm to invite Isak into a hug. But Isak took the invitation. He could do a (friendly, innocent) hug. He needed it.

Isak took a deep breath as he hugged Even close. Then he withdrew. He still needed a moment.

– Later, yeah? Even asked.

Isak nodded, and almost stumbled when he turned to get into the building and away from the others. _Shit_ , why was he feeling so weird? He thought he was over this, he thought that he had overcome the shame and fear of being different. Why couldn’t he handle meeting his friends? Was it only the fact that he wasn’t prepared? Jonas and the boys knew that he was gay, but… he didn’t know if he was ready to tell them all, while so many things were unclear.

Isak groaned to himself as he entered the hallway. He wondered if the cuddles might have been a mistake in the first place. Maybe the rules hadn’t been enough. They had been cuddling more and more, and things had become intense, and now their quarantine was over and Even panicked and Isak didn’t know what the hell to do.

Maybe they should give each other some room. Maybe that was what Even needed, or wanted. The thought was painful, but Isak would accept whatever Even wanted. He just wish that he _knew_.

The questions tumbled around in his head. Isak stood in the hallway, in front of his locker, and was staring at it like it had all the answers he needed when Eva found him. She stopped next to him, cocked her head and studied him. – What happened? Is something wrong? You look like you're going to be sick.

Isak shrugged and tried to look indifferent. – It got a little crowded out there for me, he muttered. Well, it was partly true. The fact that his stomach was in knots was a strong factor as to why he was looking sick.

She wasn't buying it. – Give me a break, Isak. You haven't been this panicked since… well, you know. When I yelled at you at that Christmas party last year…

Isak blushed. The Christmas party, when he realized that Eva knew what he had done to Jonas and her, and Isak had thought that Eva had guessed who he was crushing on.

– Yeah, well, I guess I’m having kind of a similar… situation, he admitted. Then he sighed. He couldn’t tell her. He just couldn’t.

Eva studied him. – Okay. So… what’s the panic about, Isak? Why did you run away the moment you saw us?  

Isak shrugged. – I don’t know, he admitted, as he hoped that it would make her let him be. – I’m just figuring some stuff out, I guess.  

Eva looked like she wouldn’t let him be. She raised her eyebrows, like she was saying c _ome on, tell me._

Isak hesitated for a moment. Then he took a deep breath. – You know why I did what I did back then, right?

Eva nodded, slowly. Her bright eyes studied him closely. – Well, I have kinda guessed it by now. You liked Jonas, right?

Isak released his breath. – Yeah. And now I have this thing, with…

– With Even, Eva smiled. – Yeah.

Isak stared at her. – You knew? he asked.

Eva smiled one of her wide smiles. – No, I guessed. You’ve been hanging together all the time, after all, and now you entered school together. So. Are you two dating or something?

Isak squirmed. – Not really, we couldn’t because of my cuddler job. Policy, you know. But we’re… figuring stuff out. We’re planning our first date today, actually.

Wow. He couldn’t quite believe it, not even when he said it out loud.

– Cool. So, I guess it’s a little bit early to show up together at school? Is that why you just ran away?

– I didn’t run.

Eva stared at him, raising her eyebrows. – You know what I mean.

Isak sighed, as he let his mask fall. – Yeah. Maybe? It’s just… I think I didn’t feel ready. I have told the boys about… being gay, but, it felt like too much. I don’t know how to handle everyone knowing. And it felt like I should tell everyone. But I don’t know what Even and I have, so…

Eva nodded slowly. – Sounds confusing. Sounds to me like the two of you need to talk, first of all.

– Yeah. I don’t know what Even wants, I hardly know what I want myself. I’ve been hoping for this for so long, and now it’s within reach, and I have no idea how to handle it. Plus, the cuddler thing makes me feel a little strange, too, I don’t know.

– The cuddler thing?

Isak shrugged. – Well, we met through my job, you know. It feels kind of weird.

– Hm… Eva said, and looked like she didn’t get it at all. She looked over her shoulder, like she had just seen someone. – Well, you could talk to Vilde. She knows more about this cuddling business. Maybe she can help?

 _Oh, fuck, no._ Vilde was the last person Isak wanted to talk to right now.

– Noo… he protested, but Eva was waving Vilde over without listening. Eva was a sweet girl, but fuck, she was annoyingly impulsive at times.

– Talk to her, she whispered and gave him a quick hug. – She’s a lot more than she appears to be. It’s going to be okay, Isak.

Then she was gone, and Vilde was in front of him. Isak tried to lean to the locker and look relaxed.

– Hi! Vilde said and smiled. – You wanted me? Thanks for the client this morning, by the way, that was great.

Always so perky.

– Uhm, no problem, Isak muttered. He sighed. Maybe it wasn’t such a bad idea to talk to Vilde, after all. At least he could explain his thoughts about the job. – Actually, you might end up with all my clients. I am thinking about quitting.

Vilde looked confused. – Oh. Why?

Isak shrugged. – It doesn’t feel the same anymore.

– Well, I don’t mind getting more clients, Vilde smiled. – You have gifted me with a lot of them since you transferred Even.

Isak smiled a little, too. – Yeah.

Vilde studied him closely. – I never got why you did that?

– I guess it felt like it was best, Isak said, with no intention of explaining it further.

Vilde looked like she didn’t get what he was saying.  – It’s strange how I kinda have forgotten the fact that Even was your client, she said. Then she frowned. – And now you seem so close. Uhm. Is that why you transferred him to me? Please don't tell me you fucked...

Isak looked at her, appalled. – No, what the fuck, Vilde?

She winced. – Okay, okay. So uh… Would you? If you could? Is that it?

Isak blinked. – Fucked him?

Vilde looked happy. Excited. Why did she look so excited?

– Yeah, are you gay? she asked.

Damn. Isak’s first instinct was to say no. He swallowed. – I guess. Maybe. Yeah. I am.

 _Wow_. The second coming out today. He was getting good at this.

– That's why you gave Even to me? You fell for him, didn’t you?

Isak shrugged. – Maybe. I realized that if I worked with him I'd probably... fuck up. But we never did anything.

She grinned. – So what's the problem, then? And, oh my god, Isak, you’re gay, that’s so cool!

Isak blinked. – Huh?

– It’s cool, because…

– No, what do you mean with “what’s the problem”?

Vilde shrugged. – Isak, the rules state that you can't have a relationship with a former client for a minimum of four months after your last session. And it has been about four months now, right?

She was grinning knowingly at him.

Isak glared at her. – You know that?

She laughed. – Well, Even has spent some time with us girls, you know. And he did ask about you a lot. Things like: how's Isak's doing; is he okay; has he got anyone in his life. You know the usual 'I want this guy so bad it hurts' sort of questions. Also, he told Eva and Sana that he had a mysterious crush on someone. So I couldn’t _not_ notice, really.

Isak was stunned.

Vilde kept on talking. – To be honest I hoped you'd end up together. It’s been a little entertaining to see you two pine after each other, but it’s starting to get a little old. If he’s not complaining and pining, you are.

– I’m not pining, Vilde, Isak scoffed. – And, it's…

He realized something that had been in the back of his mind since Even withdrew this morning. – How do I know it’s alright though? he asked. – I know the rules say four months, but I shouldn't get involved with a client, should I?

Rolling her eyes, Vilde let out an exasperated sigh. – How long does it take, Isak? It's been four months already, right?

– Yeah.

Vilde gave him a _look_. – Then get over it. It’s not like you’re his therapist or anything. And I know you have had a little bad luck with clients like that girl Emma and with Elias, but Even is nothing like that.

– You’re right, he’s nothing like them, Isak agreed. He stared at his shoes. – I don’t know if it matters though. Right now Even is the one who’s questioning everything, so maybe not.

– Did he say that? Vilde asked, looking surprised.

– No, I guess not. He said… it doesn’t matter what he said.

– Well, then, no matter what he said, I’m sure that if you give him time, he’ll figure it out. You like him. It’s that easy. Go tell him that.

Isak wanted to laugh her off, but his head was swimming with questions as he went to class. _Was it that easy?_ Even needed a little time to feel ready. Isak would give him all the time he needed. Hell, he had waited four months, he could wait some more. And then they could figure out stuff. If he was lucky, Even wanted the same thing he wanted. And then… then he could tell everybody when he was ready. Right.

Before he had time to regret it, he sent Even a text: _KB after school?_

 _What, as a date? ^^_ Even answered.

Isak took a deep breath before he sent a new text: _Yeah, a date. I don’t want to go out - out though. Just a coffee and then home. Chill a little. Talk. Is that alright?_

_Yeah, great. We could go to my place. Movie night and cuddles? <3 _

_Sounds good <3 _

##  **Even: We should celebrate**

On their way to school, Even knew he was panicking.

And he shouldn’t. He should be excited, and happy. Everything was allowed now. He and Isak had something going on and it was allowed. And still, anything was a possibility and anything could happen and it was too much. He felt insignificant and alone in the middle of all the endless possibilities.

Next to him, Isak seemed calm and collected in his seat. He was looking through his homework with a concentrated look on his face.

Even listened to some music in an attempt to calm down, too. It hit him that this was their first time taking the tram to school together. It was kind of nice and the vibe was easy. If it weren’t for all his thoughts, tumbling around inside of him, he would have loved it.

He stared out through the window without really noticing anything. He and Isak had talked about meeting up after school, and he knew that they would have to talk. But what could he say? How could he explain this buzzing sensation under his skin or this sinking feeling in his stomach? This fear?

He picked at his nails, thinking. He needed to sort his thoughts first. He needed to talk to someone, really. Right now, he missed his old gang so much that it hurt. He could talk to them about _everything_ once. That was a long time ago now, though.

He picked up his phone. When he opened it, he noticed the text from Elias this morning: _Wanna meet up for a coffee later?_

Even had forgotten to answer. Again. He always forgot to answer. He should answer right now, before he did it again.

 _Elias, bro, that sounds good,_ he texted. His palms were sweaty and his phone kinda slipped in his hand. _I kinda have plans tonight, though. Maybe tomorrow or later this week?_

_That sounds good, bud, just tell me when you can!_

Even smiled, feeling some of the tension seep out. _Yeah, I will._

_I’m really looking forward to seeing you again, man. The boys are, too! We gotta hear what you’ve been up to._

_Same here,_ Even texted, and was surprised when he realized that it was true. He was nervous, yeah, but he wasn’t scared shitless anymore. He was ready to talk and excited to hear what the others had been up to.

What about Isak, though? Even stared into space. He really needed to talk to someone. But who? One of the girls? He hesitated for a long time. In the end, he ended up texting another Bakkoush sibling.

 _Hi, Sana. I know this comes kinda out of the blue, but I need some advice,_ he texted.

_No, problem, Even, what’s up?_

It took forever to find the right words. In the end, Even wrote it as it was: _Remember that I talked about a crush I had? Well, I am kinda seeing him now._

_Isak?_

Even stared at her text, feeling his heart beating heavily in his chest. _You knew?_ he texted back.

_No, I’m just guessing. You two have been hanging together a lot lately. A lot. Is it him??!_

_Yeah, it is._

_Oooh nice. That’s nice, right?_

Even released a breath. That wasn’t too bad. He should have known, though, Sana was open minded. _Yeah, it is. Well, I sort of had a panic earlier._

_Cold feet panic?_

_Sort of. And now we’re going to meet up, and I don’t know what to do._

_Well, do you like him?_

_Yeah._

_And he likes you, too, right?_

_Well I hope so._

_Then you’ll figure it out. Everybody panics from time to time, Even. Just take it slow._

Even sighed. He knew Sana didn’t mean anything with it, but it stung a little. Even hadn’t exactly been taking things slow back when he did all those stupid things pushing her brother away. She didn’t know about all of that, though.

 _Yeah?_ he texted.

_Yeah. Keep things simple. No big romantic stuff. No weed. No action._

Even smiled to himself. _Uhm. Yeah. Simple? Doesn’t sound like my style at all._

_Lol, maybe not. It might help you not panic, though._

_Okay, I’ll try._

Maybe Sana had a point. _Thanks, Sana,_ he texted.

_No problem._

Everything felt easier after those texts. Even took Isak’s hand as they got off the tram. Isak’s surprised smile gave him a tingling feeling that settled in his stomach. The small things.

However, when they approached the schoolyard, it was Isak’s turn to freeze, and he dropped Even’s hand.

Isak looked pale, but when Even asked, he said he was fine. Even pushed down his worries. Isak had just come out, after all; it wasn’t strange if he needed time.

When Isak told him that he needed to go to his locker and not over to their friends, Even understood. Isak had his own panic. Strangely enough, it almost felt like a relief, like Even wasn’t alone in feeling weird about this. He offered Isak a quick hug and let him go.

As Isak left Even noticed that Eva went after him. That was good, Even told himself. Isak probably needed his friend more than him right now.

Even walked over to the others, feeling nervous, but knowing that he couldn’t do anything for Isak. When he approached them, Sana was in a deep talk with Vilde while Chris, Jonas, Magnus and Mahdi were discussing something  else. Sana still sent him a silent nod as he approached them all.

– What’s up with Isak? Magnus asked, looking curious. – Are you two a thing now, or what?

– Why, are you jealous? Even smiled and raised his eyebrows, taking the edge off his words.

Magnus only chuckled. – Damn, you have spent too much time with Isak, he said. – His style is rubbing off.

Even laughed, feeling some of the tension seep away. This was going to be fine. He put on his best facade, grinned and joked around and dodged every question about Isak and him. In the end, Sana put her foot down and asked the others to let him be.

The talk drifted to the plans for the weekend. Eva had the house to herself and had invited half the school to a party. At least, that was what Chris claimed.

– Are you coming? she asked. – I know Eva would love it if you did!

– We all would, Sana added, smiling.

– Maybe, Even said. – I don’t know what plans I have right now.

He didn’t know much at all.

He knew that he wanted Isak, though. Maybe he could hold onto that knowledge.

Isak seemed a little distant during the school day, but it was understandable. Even wished he could tell Isak everything, about his worries and about what he wanted, but they never had the time to sit down together.

When Isak’s text about meeting up later ticked in, Even exhaled in relief. They would have a date and they would talk. One way or another, they would figure stuff out.

The rest of the school day seemed to disappear in a blur.

They met at KB, and Even couldn’t help smiling wide and hugging Isak close when they met. No matter what they figured out, he would always want to smile and hug Isak when he saw him. They brought coffee, tea and sandwiches home. They didn’t talk much on the way, other than about silly everyday things. Even mentioned Eva’s party the upcoming weekend and they both were careful and avoided talking about anything that could hint about _them_. Or their future.

As they entered his family’s apartment their coffee mug and tea mug was empty and there was an apprehensive silence between them. _Home_. Even didn’t know why it felt special to bring Isak here today, but it did. Maybe it was because everything was allowed now, and it made everything different. Maybe it was because Isak had said that they were having a date. And they were having the date where Even felt the most like himself.

Even was glad his parents were gone, though. He needed to focus on Isak today. On them.

Isak followed Even inside and hung his jacket and bag on the coat rack in the hallway. When he took his place on the couch, he acted like he belonged, and Even liked it.

Isak picked up his paper bag with his sandwich and Even tidied away some of the stuff that he had left on the table and put his PC and notes away.

He was lucky that his mom hadn’t yelled at him for leaving his stuff in the living room again. He always got so engulfed in various projects, and he knew he probably spent too much time on them. Right now, the app project was taking a lot of his attention, of course, and he kept leaving his stuff everywhere. Still, it wasn’t difficult at all to put it all away when Isak was here.

– How’s your documentary thing going? Isak asked from the couch.

– Good, Even smiled. – It’ll be finished soon, actually. Eskild was the last one I interviewed.

– Cool, Isak said, and his face did this weird thing where he glanced at Even and smiled a little at the same time. Almost like he was shy. – Are you going to post it somewhere? Or try to sell it or something? How do those things work?

Even shrugged, feeling a little awkward. – I haven’t decided yet.

Isak leaned back on the sofa and looked into the air. Even took the chance to study his eyes, his lips, his jaw. The way his hair curled at his temples. The way his shirt clung to his chest and how his long legs seemed to go everywhere. Damn, why was he so beautiful?

– I think NRK would be interested, Isak said. He glanced at Even.  – It would fit right in on NRK2 or NRK3, maybe.

Even stared at him. – Do you watch NRK?

Isak grinned, like he was happy that he had surprised him. – Of course! All the time. That’s where the quality shows are, baby.

He blushed as if he hadn’t realized what endearment he had used before he said it. It made Even smile widely. _Fuck_ , Isak was such a sweetheart, and he didn’t even know it.

– Well, I might try that then, Even said. It wasn’t such a bad idea. He could at least send it in, and maybe get some feedback or something.

Even knew that he was allowing his mind to spin around these things because he didn’t know where to start with Isak. Restlessness made it difficult to stand still, so he went to the kitchen. – You want something to drink? he offered over his shoulder, opening his refrigerator to take stock.

– Uh, got any beer?

Right. _Coffee and beer_ , Even thought, _uppers and downers_. Well, Isak was the only one drinking coffee, and one beer would do no harm for fuck’s sake.

– Yeah, he squinted into his fridge and found a couple of Tuborgs. When he came back into the living room Isak was staring at him.

Even was nervous. Isak had been sort of distant and weird all day at school and Even was terrified to learn the reason why. Was Isak dumping him, maybe? Before they even started? Maybe Isak had had enough of him?

When he sat down next to Isak, he noticed how nervous Isak was, too. Isak was fiddling with his paper bag. He had placed his sandwich on top of the bag, but hadn’t taken a bite yet.

Even found his own sandwich and took a bite. – Don't do this much, huh? he asked, trying to ease the tension.

Isak opened his bottle and took a drink of his beer. – Dating? Well. Almost never.

Even watched Isak dry his mouth and had to tear his eyes away. He took a sip of his own beer. – I'm not going to lie to you, Isak; I was with Sonja for years, but I don’t know much about dating, either.

– It’s good that we’re here at home, then, Isak smiled. – Nobody can see us fuck it up.

– True, Even chuckled. – And we have food and drinks. That’s not too bad, is it?

Isak laughed. – It’s horrible. Not even cutlery, Even! And where are the candlelights?

Even laughed, but blushed a little, too. – I got a tip to make things simple. I might have taken it a little bit too literally.

Isak was still grinning. He looked at Even and blinked slowly. – I like it, he said.

Something with his gaze and his voice gave Even another tingly feeling in his belly. He didn’t know what to do about it.

They were both silent for a beat, while they were eating and drinking. Even had no idea what to say, or do, next.

Isak took another sip of beer. – It’s kinda unreal how my cuddler job started this thing, he said, looking a little shy.

Even nodded. – I love that you were so honest and professional about everything. Actually, it made me fall pretty hard. Grinning, he added – The fact that you're hot as hell probably contributed too.

Isak laughed, looking pink in his cheeks. – Well, I had to do things _right_ , he said.

– Because of people like… Emma? Even guessed.

Isak almost looked like he shuddered. – Yeah.

– You were right about the rules and everything, you know, Even said, trying to show how sincere he was. – If we'd started dating right after the cuddles, things could have become tricky.

– Yeah, Isak said and took another sip from his beer. – I've never been with a client or an ex-client. I don't know what I'm doing right now. Here.

Even put down his beer and swallowed. – I’m the one who has no clue what I’m doing, he said. Then he smiled and tried to appear a lot cockier than he felt. – Anyway, you should know what you’re doing here. I'm not a client anymore… I'm fair game.

It was a joke, but… not really. _Damn_ , he was really showing all his cards here. Isak had to get it now, right?

Isak stared at him. His gaze was intense and his lips parted. Then he shut his mouth and swallowed. – Uhm, no. You said you weren’t ready, Even, so that’s not really true.

Even could feel the heat in his cheeks. It seemed like he had to spell it out. – Yeah, I’m… uh, sorry about this morning. I panicked, you know.

– Uh, yeah, I guessed you had, Isak nodded. He looked calm, and collected. – But I get it. It’s kind of scary. Like… what now? But we’ll figure it out if we want to, you know.

– Yeah? Even said, and his laugh sounded just as nervous as he felt. –  God, you seem so sure about everything.

Isak’s eyes never left Even’s. – I do? To be honest, I have no idea what to do, he said. – Apart from sitting here and eating and drinking beer. And talking. That’s it.

– We can do that, Even said, feeling a little relieved.

Isak held his gaze for a few moments before putting down his beer. – Okay, he said. And then: – So, we should...

Even looked at him. – Hmm? he asked, shifting around so he was fully facing Isak and giving him his full attention. They should what? Kiss? Rip each other’s clothes off?

– I think we should talk, Isak said, and his voice went up at the end. Like he was asking a question instead of making a statement.

– Okay, Even said, nodding his head. _Yeah_. That sounded wise. That they should talk. Figure stuff out. He still felt something similar to disappointment in his stomach.

Even was pretty sure what was about to happen. Even had panicked this morning, yeah, but he had done everything he could to show his interest afterwards, as he held Isak’s hand and everything. While Isak had been a little distant since they had gone to school and seen the others. Even didn't know what to make of it at first and he had kind of left it alone but…

What if Isak wanted to end their cuddles for real? Maybe he wanted to end it all?

Even pushed down the spike of anxiety that was threatening to erupt in his stomach and looked at Isak. – What do you want to talk about?

– I don’t know, uh... Isak said. His voice low and husky, – How have you been doing? With, you know. Stuff.

– Me?

– Yeah.

 _Who the fuck even knows._ Suddenly Even was nervous; he realized he should try to explain what happened this morning.

– Okay, he said, – I'm good, but… You know I was so focused on getting past those four months, with the rules and all that. Everything changed now that it’s over and there are so many possibilities. I guess I got overwhelmed.

– Okay, Isak said.

– I guess I am like that sometimes, Even admitted. – I get easily overwhelmed. I mean, I take most things easy, but sometimes, when things are important to me, it can be too much. That was what happened now, anyway. And I just needed some time…

– Even, Isak said. His eyes were shiny and warm. – I get it. I really do.

Isak looked like he did get it, actually.

Even released a sigh. – I don’t know exactly why I freaked out, but I talked to… a friend, he said, just remembering that Isak didn’t know that Sana knew him from before. – I think it helped.

Isak nodded.

– Oh, and I forgot to tell you, I texted one of my old friends about meeting up again, too.

– Oh, Isak said. He looked surprised, and pleased. – That’s good.

– Yeah?

– Well, yeah. Of course. That’s great!

They both smiled.

– I’ve thought a little about why I panicked, Even admitted. – And I think I know. It’s all the possibilities, see? When everything’s allowed, it becomes too much.

– Okay, Isak said, and Even could see that he tried to get it.

Even continued. – It’s like… I’m afraid to do a wrong choice. It’s kinda irrational but I guess I fear that I will take the wrong choice and I’ll disappoint you and you won’t want me anymore. Something like that.

– Oh.

– Yeah. So. I guess I need to focus on the small things. One step at a time.

– Well. That makes sense, Isak said, and he actually looked like he got it.

Even felt a little braver, now that he had explained himself a little. – Yeah. So. Uhm, how about you?

Isak looked startled. – Me?

– Yeah, what do you want to talk about?

Isak hesitated. – Uhm… Well, You and I have become good friends, he said.

_Oh. Friends. Well then._

– I mean... Isak bit his lip and looked at Even with imploring green eyes.

Even nodded immediately, to let him know to continue. – Yes, he said, ignoring the ten thousand other things he wanted to say to that.

_Friends._

– Of course we are, he added.

– Yes, Isak nodded.

Even nodded as well. He started to feel like a nodding puppet.

– I just..., Isak looked so freaking earnest, – I want to tell you something...

– You can tell me anything, Even said. He tried to resist but it was impossible not to reach for Isak's hand, curl his fingers around his palm. Isak let him. His hand was warm in Even’s as they twined their fingers together. To hold Isak like this made a surge of warmth go through Even.

Isak looked at their hands. – At school today when we walked hand in hand, I just...

– Was it too much?

– Yeah. Well, I… I guess I was afraid to tell the others about us. About being gay. I know the boys know, but not the rest. And I didn’t know what to say.

– Yeah.

– I even started to worry that we had let the cuddles go too far. I was confused and it was too much.

– I get that, Even said. – I mean, you know that I do. I freaked out, this morning, remember? I get that it can get too much.

And he really did. He hoped that Isak didn’t want to end it all, though. That wasn’t what he was implying, was it?

Isak met his gaze. – I’m better now, he said. – I think that it’s good that we’re talking.

– Yeah, Even agreed. – I think so too. We’re getting better at this talking business.

– Yeah.

Isak smiled and it was faint, but genuine.

Even matched it in a heartbeat. He was still nervous. He needed to know if Isak still needed his distance. If he wanted to stay friends or if he wanted more.

Even took a breath, – I only want to know if… Do you still feel like we let the cuddles go too far? Do you think we should sleep in our own places for a few nights?

– What? Isak frowned, – Seriously, Even? That's not an issue for me. Is it for you?

– No, no, no, Even stuttered. – I'm just saying, You said you were hesitant about this arrangement.

Isak looked taken aback, – Uh, but I didn’t mean it like that, Even. And is that what we are? An arrangement?

– Well, no, Even said, – We're also friends, like you said.

– Friends, Isak repeated, blinking at Even.

_And oh. What was that?_

Maybe they weren’t getting so much better at this talking business after all, because Even had a clear feeling that they were talking past each other. He was about to ask, when Isak interrupted him.

– Right, Isak said, and almost looked annoyed. – So, do you suggest that we end this arrangement then? You can tell me that, right? Since you’re my _friend_?

– I'm not... Even stared at Isak. – Uhm… what's happening right now?

Isak shrugged. Then he pouted. He actually _pouted_.

Even knew that look. _Oh. Isak didn’t like it. He didn’t like it at all and that meant..._ Even had to hold back a smile. – You don't like it, he accused.

Isak's eyes narrowed, – I don't know what you're on about…

Even tried but he couldn't keep from smiling. – You don't want to only be my friend.

– What?

– Admit it! Even grinned and poked Isak in the side with his finger. – Say it! You want to be more than friends.

Isak made a disgusted sound, rolling his eyes. A small smile seemed to tug at his lips, though. – I don't know why you're acting like this is brand new information, Even.

– It feels like it is, Even admitted. – I don't know. Maybe because the situation is different.

– How so? Isak questioned.

Even held his gaze. – We don’t have any rules anymore, and I'm not with Sonja, and we can do what we want. And we both have handled that a little strangely today. And I’m sorry.

– Yeah? Isak said.

– Yeah. Because I don’t know about you, Isak, but I want you so much, Even said, and he saw it happen. Saw his words register in Isak's mind. Felt it as the air around them shifted and thickened. To the point where Even was finding it a little bit harder to breathe.

– I suppose that's… a good point, Isak said, shifting slightly.

Even wondered if he had to move because he felt it too; this tension between them. Or if he felt a stirring in his pants just like Even did.

– You know, I don't either, Even said, looking down at their hands, still intertwined with each other.

– Don't what? Isak asked. He sounded breathless.

Even looked up, straight into Isak's eyes. – Don't want to be just friends with you, he said, and watched as Isak's throat bobbed as he swallowed thickly. He licked his lips.

Even had never wanted to kiss anyone this bad. It made his dick twitch in his jeans.

– That's um… good. To know, Isak said and Even loved how his voice sounded. How affected he was. That it wasn’t only Even feeling like this.

– Yeah, he said, trying not to sound too nervous. – So, how about you?

Isak hesitated. He swallowed thickly, but he tilted his chin forward and held Even’s gaze when he whispered: – It’s true. I don’t want to be just friends with you either.

 _And fuck._ Isak’s words made heat rush through Even’s body. He couldn’t help it. He pulled Isak close and kissed his warm lips. Even could feel Isak’s small smile against his lips before Isak dragged him closer and kissed him deeper. Isak’s lips and tongue sent a wave of pure pleasure through Even’s body. His head swam and all previous thoughts stopped in their tracks.  

Isak’s hand rested below Even’s ear, his thumb caressing Even’s cheek as their breaths mingled. Even ran his fingers down Isak’s spine, pulling him closer until there was no space left between them.

When Isak pulled back, they were both breathing heavily.

– Damn, Isak said, panting. His lips were parted and his eyes were locked on Even’s face. He looked so good.

– Yeah, Even answered, trying to calm down. – Uhm. I hope you kinda get it, but I want you to know one thing. Please, never doubt that I want you. I kinda panicked this morning, but I want you. It was just all the possibilities… It was too much for me.

– Okay.

– And I think it helps if I can focus on the little things.

– The little things?

Even’s cheeks burned. – Yeah, like talking to you and holding your hand and kissing.

– Oh, yeah, we can do that, Isak smiled.

– We can do other things too, just… One step at a time, maybe?

– Yeah. That sounds good, Isak said. He looked at his beer and thumbed at one of the beads of water sliding down the bottle. – I'm not interested in just a quick fuck, anyway.

That got Even’s attention. – So what do you want? he asked, and he really wanted to know.

Isak leaned in and the closeness sent shocks down Even’s spine. – Everything, he whispered.

– Uh… I want everything, too, Even admitted. _That was part of the problem, though_ . _Everything was so fucking much._

– Oh. Okay.

Silence filled the room.

Even felt high strung, like a wire. He desperately needed to chill. They both did. It probably was a bad idea, and Sana had advised against it, but… He had an idea.

– Follow me, he said, and walked to his room.

Isak followed him.

Even found his box next to the bed. – We should celebrate that we’re free, he smirked and found the joint he had left inside.

– He-hey, Isak said, smiling approvingly.

Even wiggled the offering and Isak grinned and took it, his fingers brushing against and over Even’s. Even wondered if there would ever be a day when Isak’s touch didn’t electrify him, like maybe if they were together for decades and Even finally managed to get used to it. He doubted it.

He watched spellbound as Isak’s cheeks hollowed as he pulled on the joint, took in the rise of his chest as he inhaled. Even drank in his profile until he tilted his head back and blew out a thin line of smoke. _And oh._ Even’s jeans felt too tight. He sat still until Isak tried to pass the joint back to him.

Even stared at it. Was this a smart thing to do? He was growing hornier every second and he hadn’t even taken a drag yet. He was probably going to end up doing something stupid again. Why did Isak have to be so sexy? Even swallowed thickly.

He realized that the whole sex bit still scared the living daylights out of him because he had no idea what Isak expected to happen. He didn’t know what he expected to happen himself.

Isak wiggled the blunt, eyebrows slightly raised at Even’s sudden weirdness. Cornered by the green stare, Even snatched the weed from Isak’s fingers and sucked desperately at the joint. He automatically handed it back, and their fingers touched again. _Damn_. How could that feel so hot? But it did.

Even met Isak’s eyes and when he saw how dark his eyes were and how they darted from his eyes, to his mouth and to his eyes again, Even knew. His dick knew, too. He could try to tell himself that nothing would happen here, but fuck, _something_ definitely would happen.  

##  **Isak: No, that’s not a cuddle**

In the moment Isak walked into Even’s apartment he felt that same sudden feeling of home that he had felt that first time he visited him.

 _Damn_ , that felt like ages ago.

Isak put away his shoes and jacket while he let his eyes roam the place. He felt at home, and it was such a relief from the worries he had tried to hold back at school. He had kept a lot to himself all day, not talking much to anyone. Only Jonas managed to capture him for a minute, asking him about Even. Isak had tried to come up with some vague explanations for being weird, but then Jonas simply asked: – So, have you told Even to dump his girlfriend yet?

Isak had laughed a short laugh. – Do you know what, he did that! Four months ago! He just told me.

– Damn, Jonas had chuckled. – You two need to learn how to talk, dude.

Well, it wasn’t a lie. And now it seemed like they were about to learn just that.

Isak went into the living room and found a place on the couch while Even tidied up some of his stuff. Isak recognized some storyboards for the app project and asked how it was going Even looked proud and excited and they chatted about NRK and it made some of the tension seep out.

Isak was still nervous though, so when Even went into the kitchen and asked him if he wanted something to drink, he asked for beer, without thinking. He needed a beer right now.

Even fetched the beers and handed Isak his. Isak had to hold his beer hard because his hands were actually shaking. His palms were sweating. It was comforting that Even looked a little nervous too.

Isak chose to be honest and told Even that he didn’t know what he was doing here. Well, it turned out that they both were confused about that. The tension between them was so thick that Isak could hardly breathe. But they managed to talk. They told each other about their hangups. Isak admitted that he wanted to be more than friends, and Even admitted the same. Even told him that he wanted _everything_. They both did.

Isak studied Even’s blue eyes, and knew. It would all be worth it. It was that simple. He'd wanted Even from the moment they met; even when he knew he couldn't have him.

In the end they decided to take everything slow and that was okay. _One step at a time_ . Isak would probably combust with lust before the day was over, but it was _fine_.

Then Even got up and said:

– Follow me.

And yeah, nothing could have stopped Isak in that moment. His body was buzzing with nerves and attraction. He got up and followed Even to his bedroom, trying not to think about exactly why they were going to his bedroom.

The reason proved to be simple; Even suggested that they celebrate their freedom with a joint. Isak didn’t protest at all. How could he? Even looked so excited and his eyes were so bright and… Isak was shivering for no apparent reason. Maybe it could help him relax, he thought. He desperately needed to chill a little.  

They smoked the joint sitting together on Even’s small couch. And Isak looked at Even and how he hollowed his cheeks and breathed out the smoke, and… Even’s gaze was so glaced when he looked at Isak. And he did look at Isak, again and again. And Isak couldn’t keep his eyes off Even. He got even more turned on. Like, _how was it possible?_ However, his body didn’t care about what was possible.

Even was just so hot with his plush lips and his long fingers and his eyes and everything and the weed didn’t exactly help. Isak tried his best to keep in check. How the fuck could he survive this?

– You know what we need? Even asked, as they both sat slumped on the sofa under the bed. And Isak had no idea, but the weed had made him relaxed and he was up for anything Even suggested.

– We need a cuddle, Even said. And grinned.

 _And oh. Oh damn._ Even’s body close to him. Warm skin and arms and neck and… Oh fucking hell, he was so not going to survive this. But he couldn’t say no to that. _Hell, no._

– A cuddle would be cool, Isak said, trying to fake a coolness he didn’t feel. – Totally chill.

– Yeah, Even breathed, got up and started to get out of his pants.

And yeah, Isak knew very well that they used to cuddle in their boxers and t-shirts. This was totally normal. Something felt different today, though. Seeing Even’s long legs made it hard to breathe. And, well, Isak’s boner was of course another problem.

– We’re just cuddling, Isak muttered, more to himself than Even. He pulled his own jeans down. Kicked them off and then felt like an idiot. – I don’t expect anything more or anything.  

Isak kept his hands at his front, turning half away from Even, trying to hide his boner. This was cuddling time, he said to himself and his dick, _not anything else_. Shit, his brain was slow right now.

– Yeah, Even said, blushing a little. – That sounds good.

 _Okay then_. This was fine. Because they had agreed that they weren’t ready for anything more. Well, his dick maybe was, but the rest of him was unsure. And Even probably still was unsure, too. A cuddle, though, that was definitely something they could handle. They had done it quite a few times now, after all.

– Come on, he said, and pulled Even with him towards Even’s bed. – Let’s do this.

They climbed into the bunk bed and pulled the duvet over them and curled into each other and oh… it was so good. Even’s body was warm and heavy next to his. Isak breathed more slowly, his body melting into Even's as every muscle lost its tension. Well, except his boner, of course. Isak did what he could to keep that from touching Even. But apart from that, it was ridiculous how easy it felt. How good.

– So good, Even whispered, like an echo of his thoughts.

– Yeah, Isak answered. He felt Even’s body press in, soft and warm. He felt Even’s soft skin and bathed in his warmth and the smell of his skin and the shampoo in his hair. His chest rising and falling against his own, their breaths in unison, and the warm blood drumming under his skin.

– I kinda felt a little like I lost you today, Isak admitted. It was like the embrace made him open up, and say stuff he would never have otherwise. Or maybe it was the weed.

– Yeah, me too, Even answered. – I needed a moment. Texting a friend helped, though.

– I guess it was the same with me, when I talked to the girls, Isak muttered. – And to you.

He snuggled closer to Even, letting his leg curl around Even’s. Although he still was aroused, he tried to ignore it, just as he tried not to poke Even with his boner. This was cuddling, after all. Nothing more. And it was good. In Even’s arms, he was cocooned, safe in a bubble where nothing else mattered. There was no time, no worries for the future, only _now_. He felt home. – Feels better now, he muttered.

– Mm… good.

– Yeah, Isak agreed. Even was so warm next to him. And now Isak’s dick was starting to get a little painful. He couldn’t help it, he was so hard. Even was so close and warm and… he wanted to press closer, to grind his hips on Even and get some release. _Fuck._ He paused. – So I guess we’ll stick to cuddles then?

He wondered if Even could detect the reason for his question.

– Yeah, probably, Even hummed. Isak could feel the smile at his temple and hear it in his voice. – By the way, what’s the definition? he mused. He raised his head and looked at Isak. – Where’s the line between cuddles and sex?

Isak smiled a shaky smile. So typical of Even. He loved his challenges and games. And Isak couldn’t help it; he took the bait, every time.

He kissed Even, only a small one (small kisses were allowed right?). – Well, I know all about the lines, he said, and rolled over so that Even rested his head on his chest. – Ask me and I’ll tell you.  

Even’s smile turned into a teasing one. – What about this? he asked as he burrowed his face into Isak’s neck. Breathing him in. Smelling him. Kissing him there with small, light kisses.

_Oh. Oh fuck._

Isak shivered. This was maybe not such a good idea. Not if they were trying to keep things simple. Isak felt drunk with lust. – Uh, kisses are more than cuddles, he muttered.

– Really? Even grinned. Isak could hear the smile in his voice again.

– Yeah, Isak said. He didn’t know what was going on or what the fuck he was allowing to happen, but he knew that he wanted to feel Even, and touch his skin. He pushed away the duvet, tugged at Even’s t-shirt and let his hands slide underneath it. He stroked his hands over Even’s back.

– Uh, that’s cuddles, right? Even grunted. His voice sounded a little strained. – Feels good.

– Yeah, Isak whispered, enjoying the soft, warm skin and the hardness underneath. – Good.

Even let his hands glide under Isak’s t-shirt now. – Is this a cuddle? he asked.

– I guess, Isak said, shivering.

He looked up at Even. Something new sparkled in Even’s eyes. – Let’s… let’s take this t-shirt off, he said, and he helped to pull the shirt over Isak’s head. It was a little tricky in the small space under the ceiling, and Even smashed his hand, but they made it in the end. Then Even leaned over Isak. He started to lick a trail on Isak’s stomach. – Is this a cuddle too?

And _fuck_ , Isak didn’t know what to say, or what to do. Even’s licks made him wild with want. And with Even’s head down there... His straining dick was hard to miss, too. _Oh fuck_ , Even was totally going to notice how hard he was. Isak’s cheeks were flaming hot.

– I… uh… no, I guess… that’s definitely not a cuddle…

– So that’s a definite no then? Even grinned and looked up at him. He didn’t look put off by Isak’s tenting boxers at all. – Licking is over the line?

– Uh, yeah, Isak said, and he couldn’t help laughing a little. – Fuck, Even… You’re such a… dorky asshole, you know?

Even just smiled. – That’s a bit harsh! I’m learning a lot here, Isak, but we can stop if you like?

There was a new sincerity in his eyes, but Isak didn’t want Even to stop, no way. Isak shook his head. – No, he said. – Nope, not a chance. You obviously need to learn more here.

He pulled Even close and let his hands stroke over his back again. Held him close. – This is cuddling, he muttered.

– Right, Even said. Then he let his hands roam over Isak’s body. His hands landed on Isak’s ass. – Is this cuddling? he whispered.

Isak was struggling to contain himself at this point. – Uh, I… it’s hard to tell, he muttered. – I think you need to test it once more.

Even raised his eyebrows. Then he squeezed Isak again, and pulled him closer. And _oh, yes_ , Isak’s dick pressed against Even’s hips, and Isak had to concentrate not to moan. He bit his lip. – I think that could be cuddling, he breathed, – but touching those parts of the body is… not allowed... professionally.

– That figures, Even grinned. – What about... this? he asked. He let his hand trail down Isak’s stomach. He stopped when he reached the waistline of Isak’s boxers. He held Isak’s eyes. – Uhm… Is this okay? he asked.

And _hell, yeah,_ it was okay. Isak nodded quickly.

Even smiled a shaky smile. His beautiful blue eyes were glazed with lust as he let his hand slip into Isak’s boxers. He hesitated, and Isak feared that Even would stop again, but then Even reached for his dick.

– Fuck, Isak gasped as he felt Even’s fingers wrap around his cock, jerking him with sure strokes, – that’s…  definitely not cuddling.

Even’s eyes were shining, and a hint of a smile hid around his lips. – But Isak, this is just me cuddling your dick. Why doesn’t that count?

– Uh... Jesus, fuck… Isak gasped and huffed a laugh at the same time. That fucker. – Evennnn…

Even’s half smile faded away as his face filled with lust again. He leaned in and kissed Isak. – I know, fuck… he muttered. He started to look a little desperate. His eyes never left Isak’s as he let go of Isak’s dick. He leaned over Isak as he tangled his fingers in Isak’s hair. – I know we said we were just going to take it slow and cuddle, but uh…

– We’re kinda way past that now, Isak breathed, in a strangled voice. He could feel Even’s hard dick press into his hip. Oh, thank fuck, he wasn’t alone feeling like this.

– Uhm, yeah, Even nodded. – And this boner of yours needs… attention. Mine sure does, too. Uhm. Can I… uh...  help you out?

_Damn..._

– You want to do that? Isak asked, breathless. He felt kinda silly to ask but he needed to know. – Is it okay?

– Yes, Even said, – if you want to?

– Fuck yeah, Isak muttered. – How could I possibly not want that, fuck?

– Good, Even smiled.

– So uh… what do you want? Isak panted as he kissed and licked at Even’s neck. – Do you want me to… blow you? Or we could like… jerk off?

– Or I could blow you? Even said, blushing.

 _Damn, this guy…_ – Yeah, Isak said, shivering. – What do you like?

– Can we... Even’s teasing demeanor was gone. He sounded breathless and shy and like he didn't know what exactly he wanted. He was flustered and his eyes were dark. – I don’t know. I just want you, he panted, and they kissed again.

And Isak felt how nervous Even was all of a sudden.

– That’s alright, Isak muttered into Even’s mouth. – Actually, we don’t have to do anything. If you only want us to lie here and kiss that is absolutely fine.

– I know, I know, Even said, looking a little frustrated. His hands stroked over Isak’s arms. – I agree. I just… I want you, fuck.

Isak shivered. – Fuck, yeah, I want you too.

Something like guilt flickered in Even’s eyes. – I said that I could help you out, though… I don’t know why I get like this.

Isak understood his confusion. Even had seemed so relaxed earlier, when he teased Isak. And it wasn’t as if he was new to sex or anything. Ah, well, maybe this wasn’t about experience at all.

Isak cupped Even’s face and stared into his eyes. – Well, you don’t have to do anything, Even. You don’t have to understand it, either. Let’s chill and have some fun, yeah?

– Fun. Yup. It’s just… I’ve wanted this forever, and now that we can, I don’t know what to do. I just want _everything_.

– Shit, I know that feeling, Isak said. And it was true, but it was also true that he knew exactly what he wanted right now. And it seemed like Even needed him to know, too. – Well then, he said. – Just let me kiss you and touch you and make you come. Don’t worry about anything. If you want to you can do what you want but you don’t have to do anything. It’s chill. Okay?

– Uh, okay, Even breathed. – It’s chill.

 _Yeah well._ Chill was maybe not the right word. Isak knew what he wanted, but his bravery was pretty much a facade. He hesitated, but then he saw the lust in Even’s eyes and he found the courage to do something.

He moved back, trying not to crash his head on the ceiling, just enough to push Even on his back. Even looked up at him with wide eyes, dark and dilated, mouth parted open and panting shallow breaths. Isak felt the sight like a kick between his ribs, so he wasted no more time, moving on top of Even, kissing him and making Even pant more of those helpless breaths into his mouth. When Isak's tongue urged him to, Even immediately opened his mouth to let him in and, at the same time, spread his legs for Isak to slot between.

Isak loved how Even moved under him, how he shivered when Isak sucked into his collarbone and how he moaned when Isak tugged at his hair. Isak ground down against him, desperate for friction, for Even.

– Isak, Even moaned softly, and bucked his hips up.  – I need…

Isak could guess what Even needed. His dick looked ridiculously hard in his boxers.

– Chill baby, Isak muttered. – I’ll take care of you.

Or he would try to. He was inexperienced after all. In fact, he had no idea what he was doing.

He took a deep breath. And then his hands found their way to Even's waistband, pushing his boxers down. Even rushed to help Isak remove them. After all, it wasn’t easy to move in that small space. They did make it work, though. Isak looked down at Even. _Fuck._

Even’s cock, flushed pink and so hard it might be hurting, spilling a drop of precome from the tip.

– Fuck, you look good, Isak muttered, as he felt warmth surge through his body and his own dick throb in his boxers.

Even stared at him. – Oh, fuck, he panted. – Let me… Can I take yours off too? You gotta get it off!

Isak nodded, and helped Even as he pulled his boxers off him. It wasn’t easy in the small space. Isak banged his head a little on the ceiling in the process, but he forgot it all when Even looked at him, letting his eyes roam over all of him. – Fuck, Isak, he breathed, hips lifting up in search of friction that wasn’t there.

Isak kissed and licked Even’s lips and clung onto Even, feeling his hot skin. He loved the sensation of Even´s muscles quivering under his touch, knowing that he was the one that made Even feel like this.

Even’s eyes were blue as he locked Isak to him with his gaze. Even kissed and licked him and moved against him, and Isak wanted him so bad. Isak shivered. _How can this be real?_ Even was here, with him. He was so beautiful that Isak hardly could breathe.

Isak swallowed. – I want to jerk you off until you come, he said. He meant it. He tried to ask, as clearly and politely as possible: – Can I jerk you off?

Even moaned a – Yes, please, and arched his back, as Isak finally got to feel Even's warm cock in his hand. Isak was grateful that it was wet with precome, so that it could glide easily in his hand. He worked Even’s length, feeling more and more sure of himself.

Although Isak had never actually done this to another guy before, he had enough experience with his own dick to find a good pressure and rhythm. He thought he might be doing pretty awesome, actually – if the way Even was swearing and moaning under him meant anything.

– Feels so good…

Even’s voice was raspy. When he looked up at Isak, his gaze made Isak’s heart beat faster. Even’s eyes were blurred by lust and wanting. The look in his eyes was almost helpless.

– You’re so hot, baby, Isak murmured. He kissed Even deeply while he jerked him off harder and quicker. Even clung onto him and made a broken sound under him, like he was absolutely dying. His movement made Isak’s cock pulse and burn with anticipation.  

Even shook under him and Isak stroked Even harder, and kissed his neck until it was all over and Even came over his hand and both their stomachs.

Isak felt good. And Even looked… _fuck, he looked gorgeous_. With his pink cheeks and heaving chest as he tried to catch his breath. Even only lay there at first, lazy and sated, biting down on his bottom lip as he eyed Isak's cock and the hand he'd got around himself, furiously jerking it and desperate to get off.

– Let me, Even panted, and reached for him, and _oh fuck, yes, please_. Even rolled him over, and then there was a wet mouth over Isak’s and a warm hand on his dick.

Isak clung to Even. He couldn’t hold back his moans that spilled into Even’s mouth as Even stroked him firmly. The look in Even’s eyes was such a sight, and the feel of his hand such bliss, that it wasn’t long at all before Isak tipped over. _Even, Even, Even,_ Isak thought, and for a moment his senses were blinded, and everything disappeared in pleasure. He came, spilling straight onto Even’s hand and his own stomach.

–  Damn, Isak muttered, as he enjoyed the aftermath of the pleasure rushing through his body. He was out of breath and dizzy and he felt like someone had tilted his world. Still, he couldn’t ignore the giddy happiness that filled him from head to toe.

– Fuck, that was good, Even slurred, as he smiled and pulled Isak closer.

Isak rested his head on his shoulder. – Fuck, yeah, he panted out, slowly coming to his senses. He smiled back. – And if you wondered, that was sex. Not cuddling.

– Good to know, Even said, and his laughter was warm and sweet in Isak’s ears.

##  **Even: I can’t believe this is allowed now**

Even was dying. Isak was all over him, kissing and licking at his neck, and it felt amazing. Even moaned and struggled to lie still. His cock was rock hard in Isak’s hand. So yeah, his plan to take things slow had blown up big time. Right now, he didn’t care.

– Let me kiss you and touch you and make you come, he said, and, _fuck_ , it was so hot when Isak talked like that. Even felt safe, taken care of, and so incredibly turned on.

Even was so grateful that Isak did this; that he took over. All the possible different actions and positions had made Even dizzy and uncertain. He had no idea what he wanted, only that he wanted Isak.

Even didn’t know why he was reacting like this. This was not the first time he’d had sex, after all. He knew that sex could be fun and laughs.

This was Isak, though, and it seemed _important_ , and Even had no clue what to do.

Luckily, Isak had seemed to get it.

He worked Even’s length in steady strokes, and when he looked at Even his beautiful eyes were glaced with lust. Even swore and moaned under him, gripping the sheets and trying to hold onto something. Then he clung to Isak. A part of him felt guilty for letting Isak do all the work. But another part didn’t care, because it felt so good and he never wanted it to stop.

Even locked eyes with Isak. Isak’s compelling eyes, which were dilated and dark like a deep forest, didn’t leave his. _Isak, Isak, Isak…_ Even couldn’t hold it back anymore. He felt the hot, tingly feeling spreading out from his lower back and up and down his spine. He came and the pleasure of it pulsed through his body. Cum spilled from his cock onto both their stomachs and Isak’s hand in long hard spurts. He couldn’t help moaning and shaking from the release.

Afterwards Even spilled mindless nonsense as he gasped for air. He just lay there, staring into Isak’s green eyes. He saw the lustful darkness in them now and remembered Isak’s hard dick. He bit his lips and watched as Isak started to jerk off in desperation.

 _Oh_. Isak had meant it when he said that Even didn’t have to do anything. Well. That just wasn’t right. At that moment, Even knew exactly what he wanted to do.

– Let me, he said and reached for Isak’s dick, and Isak wasn’t hard to beg.

Even rolled him over, and planted his lips over Isak’s and his hand on his dick. Even stroked him firmly and Isak shivered and whimpered, and it wasn’t long at all before he came, spilling over Even’s hand and his own stomach.

Looking down at him, Even was awed. Goddamnit, Isak was something to behold when he came. He looked dizzy. And happy, too. Even pulled him close and they both mumbled silly things and giggled a little.

Even’s laughter stilled as he stared into Isak’s beautiful green eyes. Those eyes never ceased to amaze him. They were eyes which pulled a person into them. And that was exactly what they had done the first day he'd laid eyes on Isak.

Those eyes, that face, his body, that seemed to grow stronger and longer faster than Even could follow, and even his golden blonde hair with its casual messy haircut made him simply beautiful. Even tenderly brushed away the lock of hair that was wet from sweat and had fallen over Isak's eyes. Then he closed the gap between them to touch his mouth to Isak's. Then he gave him a kiss so sweet a shiver passed through both of them. When he released Isak's lips, Even ran his thumb slowly against Isak’s lower lip, feeling dizzy over the fact that he could do this now, that it was allowed.

– I can’t believe this is allowed now, he whispered.

– I know, Isak smiled. – I can’t believe it either.

Things started to feel a little sticky, though. Even reached for the t-shirt that had landed on the side of the bed and tenderly wiped the cum off Isak and himself. When he was done he flopped onto his back beside Isak. They lay there for a moment, breathing loudly and saying nothing. Then Even turned to face Isak. – That was nice, he murmured.

– Nice? Isak laughed. – Was it only _nice_? We’ve been waiting for this for months and that’s what you call it?

– Well, it was okay, Even grinned. Then he couldn’t hold back his own laughter. He pulled Isak closer. – No. It was fucking perfect.

Isak smiled as he held his gaze. – Yes it was.  

They stared at each other for a moment.

– It became more than cuddles pretty fast, Isak finally said. There was still a hint of laughter in his eyes.

– Yes that’s true, Even agreed. He stroked one of Isak’s curles away from his forehead.  

Isak looked sincere now. – We kinda got distracted from talking, though.

– We kinda did, yeah. Are you thinking about something special?

Isak snuggled closer, and leaned his head on Even’s shoulder. – Well, I suppose… I want you to know that you can tell me. When things get difficult. It’s good that we have friends to talk too, but. You can talk to me, too.

– Well, that’s the same with me, Even said. – You can talk to me about stuff, too.

– Yeah, that’s good.

Even hesitated for a moment. – So… Should we talk about… what we are?

Isak met his gaze. – Probably, yeah. We said… everything, though, right?

Even’s heart beat fast in his chest. _Everything_.

– Yes. Yes we did. So… we’re trying this then? he asked. – For real?

Isak nodded. There was something raw and naked in his eyes, but also something determined. – Yeah. For real.

Even leaned in and kissed him gently. The kiss was slow and soft, and almost comforting.

Isak pulled back and sighed. – You know, I still have lots of things I don’t know. I haven’t come out to all our friends, and I have no idea what to do about mom and dad. But _this_ , what you and I have, this is real. Okay?

– Yeah, okay. I feel the same, Even said. – I have things that I don’t know, too. Like, I gotta figure out how to fix things with my old friends.

 _And I need to tell you about Sana, too._ No more secrets.

Isak hummed next to him. – You should show them that project of yours, he said, and yawned. – In fact, you should show it to all of our friends. It’s damn good, you know.

Even chuckled. – You’ve only seen one part of it.

– Well, and the part with Eskild. I heard your questions, Even. It’s good. You need to show it to people. And send it in and stuff.

Even nodded, and buried his nose in the crook of Isak’s neck. – You’re so nice, he said.

– _I’m_ nice, now? Isak huffed, but he smiled, and stroked Even’s back. – You’re nice, too.

Even couldn’t stop smiling. Maybe it was just the afterglow, or the weed, or whatever, but… He felt damn good. This might go well. He was happy. He knew that they still had things to fix and that they were just in the beginning of something, but this was a fucking good beginning.


	8. Infinite Arms

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Isak and Even are a thing! They can forget about the cuddle app rules and everything is good an hot and... - Isak just struggles to put some things into words. And Even wants to fix things with his old friends. Eva is planning a party. 
> 
> Yeah. That's it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> To all of you who haven't given up on this fic yet - thank you so much for the support. And an extra thank you to my beta readers! @evakuality beta read this chapter, and did a super job with it. <3 But if you see errors, they are all mine, I have done some changes all on my own. By the way, we had to part this chapter in two so that this fic now ends up with nine, and not eight. I have hopes that the last chapter won't take too long though! 
> 
> WARNING: This chapter starts with a smutty scene I struggled to describe, so I decided to add some art to hopefully make it easier. There art is kinda NSFW, or has nudity, anyway. Hope you like it!

## 

 

##  **Isak: Now, let’s get out of here**

## 

– Oh fuck, fuck… Isak gasped as Even’s fingers wrapped around his cock, jerking him with sure strokes. – Even… he breathed, opening his eyes to gaze up into the lustful, shining blue eyes above him.

– Just… lie back, Even whispered as he straddled Isak, still stroking Isak’s dick.

Isak shivered. Even was always beautiful, but having him up close and over him like this enhanced it. Even’s fair skin gleamed when it captured the light just right and his hair fell down messily around his face. His kind blue eyes held a tiny warmth in them, as they always did. His cheeks were slightly pink and his lips plush; being this close to him Isak could see them clearly, glistening like a sweet temptation. Isak wanted desperately to touch, and feel, but he kept his hands on Even’s hips, just to hold on to something.

Even moved over him like he knew what he wanted. His insecurity or indecisiveness from the first time they were together didn’t show at all right now. He pulled his knees up and balanced on the soles of his feet so he was crouching over Isak. He looked impossibly beautiful like that, with his pale lanky limbs folded to get closer to Isak. Isak only managed to lie back and take what Even offered.

– Is this good? Even asked, and _fuck yes, yes this was good._

Isak nodded.

Even kissed him as he put a hand on Isak’s chest to steady himself. Then his sank down on Isak, allowing Isak to slide up into the tight warmth inside. Even’s breath sped up and his leg shivered but his eyes never left Isak’s. – I’ve… got you, baby.

The tight warm grip around Isak made him sweat in need and desperation. He moaned and wrapped both of his arms around Even, unable to say a word. Even looked lost in the moment when he kissed Isak with his hands on his face and started to move, sinking and rising over him. The sensation was overwhelming. As Even was curled over him, Isak noticed that he could move more easily. He couldn’t help rocking his lower body, he braced his feet against the bed so he could plunge up into Even, faster, deeper and harder, his thrusts growing more frantic.

– Even...

And it was so much, it was too much and Isak was so close. He could barely breathe as he clung to Even, lost in his body’s movements. He wanted to hold it all back and wait for Even to come, but he didn't stand a chance against Even’s intense gaze and the tight heat around his cock. Isak felt his orgasm start in his lower back, spreading through his body like fire.

Raw moans spilled from him as his entire body froze in that exquisite anticipation right before release. Even stared at him with wide eyes and their eyes remained locked together. And then Isak felt it… a warm tightening inside his chest, a feeling so overwhelmingly warm and intense it sucked the breath out of him. And at that very moment... that split second just before he fell off the edge, Isak knew he _loved_ Even Bech Næsheim.

_Fuck._

He loved Even. He didn’t know shit about love, but he knew he loved everything about Even. Isak’s orgasm soared through him and made him shake all over as he released into the condom inside of Even. He'd never come so hard, ever. He felt so overwhelmed with emotions it felt as though his chest might explode. – Fucking hell, he gasped as he tried to take deep breaths.

 _Loved him!_ There was no doubt. Isak’s heart was pounding so hard he was almost scared it was going to burst. How ridiculous to get that revelation in the middle of an orgasm, though. He was seconds away from shouting it out. It was stupid. Still, he couldn't stop shivering.

Isak was still inside of Even, although Even had stopped moving. Even held his gaze as he jerked off, and looked so sincere and so attentive it almost hurt. Isak had to shut his eyes for a moment and breathe, just to keep his feelings in check. He reached for Even’s dick to help him out, adding more pressure to Even’s hand.

– Isak… Even shivered as he let go and released his warm cum over Isak’s stomach and hand. – Fuuuck, he panted, collapsing partially onto Isak. His chest was heaving as he breathed heavily, almost laughing. His deep voice vibrated through Isak as he nuzzled into Isak’s neck. – You’re gonna kill me, Isak.

Isak couldn’t answer. He couldn’t even open his eyes. He wanted to, but he couldn’t. He _loved Even._ There was no doubt. This wasn’t just a crush (was it ever just that?). Even was _everything_. Isak couldn’t say that out loud though, not yet.

Everything was so new. It had just been a couple of days, not even a week, since Isak and Even started to figure stuff out, and Isak still couldn’t believe it. He and Even had _a thing_ now. They had decided to try this out, together. They were even going to a party at Eva’s later, as a couple.

It was fucking wild. But it was way too early to say _I love you_. Right? Way too early.

Isak knew he should say _something_ , though, to keep Even from noticing his turmoil inside, but he couldn’t. He was afraid his feelings would spill out as soon as he opened his mouth.

When Isak didn't respond to Even with his usual flippant comeback, Even moved a little. Still, with his eyes closed, Isak could sense how Even leaned up on his hand and looked down at him.

– Hey, you okay? Even whispered.

Isak nodded and then finally managed to open his eyes. – I'm fine.

_I love you I love you I love you –_

Even was so beautiful, looking dazed and flushed in his cheeks and all over his neck and chest. He brushed away a wet lock of hair, which had fallen over Isak's eyes, and closed the gap between them. He gave Isak a kiss so sweet a shiver passed through both of them. When he released Isak's lips, Even ran his thumb slowly against Isak’s lower lip. His eyes revealed a fondness that Isak couldn’t quite grasp.

– The shower, then? Even asked. He pulled off of Isak and shifted onto his back while Isak got rid of the condom.

– Yeah, sounds good, Isak muttered. He knew he was a little quieter than he usually was, but he couldn’t help it. His feelings were too raw right now. He reached for the hand towel on the bedside table and tenderly wiped the cum off them both before he threw the towel in the hamper. He felt like he moved in a daze when Even dragged him to the bathroom and into the shower.

Isak still felt lightheaded and emotional as they showered and washed up. Even was gentle with him, as if he knew something was up. They were soaping each other in, kissing and hugging in the water, and Isak couldn't stop thinking _I love you. I love you. I. Love. You_.

They dried up, went back to the bedroom and got dressed. And Isak couldn’t help noticing how good Even looked. Couldn’t help watching him. From his silky dark blonde hair, to his beautiful face, pale chest and flat stomach, his long legs and beautiful cock… he was like a work of art. And Isak had never seen someone look sexier in just some jeans and a t-shirt. Isak's eyes lifted up to meet Even's amused ones when he heard him clearing his throat loudly.

– Done looking? Because I want to sit and put on some socks, Even drawled. At Isak's embarrassed groan, Even laughed. – You know if you continue to look at me like that it's going to create problems, don't you? We’re never getting out of the house.

– Fuck you, Even, Isak muttered, smiling a little. He put on his own clothes, but still managed to watch as Even pulled on his socks. – I can’t help that you’re so fucking hot.

Somehow, teasing Even made some of the tension in his stomach ease up.

The corners of Even's mouth lifted slightly in a smile as he stared back at Isak. Fuck, his smile was beautiful. Isak couldn’t hold back anymore. He pulled Even closer and let his lips brush against Even's.

Even’s eyes held his. – I am, huh? Well, you’re not so bad yourself, Isak.

Isak smiled and looked down at himself, hoping he was dressed okay. He'd settled on dark jeans, Eskild’s Jesus t-shirt, a grey hoodie and sneakers. He put Jonas’ old wineread snapback on.

– You look damn hot, Even murmured.

His words made sparks fly through Isak’s body all the way to his toes. They also made him embarrassed and weirdly emotional. So he just got up, and pulled Even with him into the Kollektiv living room. – Yeah, yeah. Uhm. Do you want a coffee or something before we get going?

He needed to keep talking so his weird feelings didn’t spill in all directions.

Even shook his head, slowly. He studied Isak’s face. – Nah, I think I just want to hang out a little, on the couch.

– Sounds good, Isak smiled. He wished he could be more enthusiastic. But he still felt like he had his feelings on the outside of his skin. Nerve endings open to be attacked at any time.

Isak followed Even as he dragged him to the sofa and plopped down. Soon they were both half sitting and half lying snuggled together. Even’s fingers drew patterns on his shoulder. It hit Isak again – this was allowed now. He could cuddle Even whenever and wherever. If only his feelings could just… chill. Isak told himself it would be fine. This thing with Even was just so new and so raw. Maybe he just needed a little moment get his shit together.

Isak picked up his phone and noticed some texts in the chat with the boys:

_Magnus: Paaarty! Who can have the pregame tonight?_

_Jonas: Yo, Eva said we could come early. The girls start up around eight._

_Mahdi: Cool. I’m ready!_

_Magnus: So, we meet up at Eva’s then? Isak are you in? Even? Or are you two busy hooking up?_

_Jonas: Is that a rhetorical question lol_

Isak grimaced. The boys had kept their questions to a minimum, but there was no doubt they were curious about the two of them. Isak didn’t mind it as much as before but it could still make him feel uneasy sometimes.

_Mahdi: Ha the important question is - will there be some lovely girls at the party? Maybe we could ask those hot first year girls?_

_Jonas: Well. Eva said we shouldn’t invite too many. So. I guess we shouldn’t._

Isak snorted, wondering what Jonas was on about. He had never paid attention to stuff like that before.

– What’s up? Even asked.

Isak met his gaze, smiled a little.– The boys are chatting. About the party and stuff. Girls.

– Ah, interesting, Even smiled.

Isak leaned his head on Even’s shoulder and kept reading the chat as Even found his own phone. Then he texted: _Ha, since when are you listening to Eva, Jonas? At the last party you invited Emma and those other first year girls without concern._

_Mahdi: True. What’s with you Jonas?_

_Magnus: Wait - Isak’s here! He’s alive! So, you’ve finally come up for air?_

_Isak: Oh, shut up. :)_

_Jonas: I just don’t want Eva’s place to get trashed, that’s all._

_Mahdi: How very mature of you. I’ll bring the green stuff btw._

_Isak: Nice._

_Magnus: Yasss!_

_Mahdi: Who said I’ll share? :P_

_Even: Jonas is right, though. I’ve been at too many out of control parties. No fun._

Isak looked up and raised an eyebrow. Even shrugged and smiled. – It’s true.

_Jonas: Thank you, Even._

_Even: :)_

_Magnus: Ugh so what girls are coming then?_

_Jonas: Eva and her new friends, I suppose. Maybe Sara and her crew, too._

– Sara? Who’s that? Even asked.

Isak shrugged. – She’s my ex I suppose? And the best friend of Ingrid, Jonas’ ex.

Even looked amused. – Your ex? This is news!

– Well, it’s not important. It wasn’t a very… intimate relationship.

Even raised his eyebrows.

Isak hid behind his phone as he texted the others that they would meet at Eva’s later. When he put his phone away, Even pulled Isak closer, smiling a little. – I look forward to knowing every little thing about you.

His words made something tumble and turn inside of Isak. – Me too, he choked.

Even kissed him again, brushing their lips together. His tongue came out to slowly lick at Isak's mouth. – This is nice, he murmured. – Some time to ourselves before we get too wrapped up in everything today. Right?

– Right, Isak agreed, kissing Even back. He was afraid to lose himself in his feelings, but he realized it was too late, anyway. He sighed and opened his mouth and captured Even's tongue. Even groaned and pulled Isak closer. Then he kissed Isak’s lower lip and sucked it a little.

An intense shiver passed through Isak. – Even… he breathed and clung to Even. Even’s lips and tongue were soft and yet strong against Isak's, applying just the right amount of pressure that took Isak's breath away.

A low growl tore out of Even's throat as they kissed deeper. – Oh my God, I can't get enough of you, he muttered and kissed Isak’s neck. – You're like an addiction in my system.

Isak grinned, knowing it was true. Even seemed to always be hard and ready to go whenever he was with Isak. – I know, he smirked, drawing a chuckle from Even.

Isak could relate, though. He had no control around Even, either. Sex with Even was absolutely euphoric, every time. As many times as they had fucked these last few days, Isak always wanted _more_. He shivered when Even licked that sensitive spot behind his ear. He wound his arms around Even’s neck and kissed him slowly, humming into the sweet sensation.

Isak loved what the two of them had together. Still, he was sad that he didn't dare to tell Even how he felt. He also hated the fact that he still hesitated to tell his parents about Even, or at least his mom. He didn’t know what to say, and he never knew how she would react. He felt a tightening in his chest.

– I can almost hear you think right now, Even whispered, tightening his arms around Isak. – You okay?

Isak made a sound of contentment when Even rubbed his hand on his back. – Yeah, he mumbled and paused. – I was just thinking about my parents and stuff. I want to tell them about us, but I don’t know if I can.

Even kept his gaze. – Well, you don’t have to tell them before you’re ready.

Isak felt hot in his cheeks. He took his snapback off as he thought for a moment. He didn’t know how to phrase the mess in his mind. – I know. I just… I feel sort of ready. I just don’t know if I can tell mom anything right now. I haven’t really spoken to her in a long time, and she keeps sending me these Bible quotes and… I don’t know.

Isak showed Even his phone, allowing him to see some of the Bible quotes. _I have told you to be brave and strong… You shall not make for yourself an idol, whether in the form of anything that is in heaven above, or that is on the earth beneath…_

Even read the texts with a concentrated look on his face. – Maybe she wants to comfort you?

– Maybe.

– Well, we don’t have to rush anything. Right?

– I know.

Even offered aIsak a comforting smile. – Things might happen more than fast enough. Just wait until _my_ mom harasses us enough to meet. She’s dying to meet you, you know.

– Right, Isak smiled, a little calmer but still feeling a little nervous. The thought of meeting Even’s parents didn’t exactly make it feel much better. He took a deep breath. – Well, not tonight. Right?

– Yeah, not tonight, Even smiled.

Isak looked down at their feet, which were slung on the table, tangled together. Warm afternoon light flowed over them both making them both shine. Even had left his book with his storyboards on the table again.  

– I thought you were finished with your project? Sent it off to NRK already?

– Right, yeah. Almost, Even said. His brows were furrowed and he bit his lip. He fiddled with his knuckles, weaving his fingers in and out of each other. – But I always find new stuff to fix or add. And I’m not sure about sending it anywhere, to be honest.

Isak realized that Even must be nervous about it all. He reached for Even, and entwined Even’s fingers in his own. – Why not? Your project is an amazing thing, you know. I know you sometimes think it’s nothing special, but it is. It can mean a lot for others to see it.

Even’s eyes were wide. – Huh, I’ve always thought it wasn't useful at all. That it’s just smoke and mirrors, and nothing more.

Isak shook his head, keeping Even’s gaze. – It meant a lot to me, to hear Eskild talking about Grindr and about being gay, he admitted. – And others might find it interesting to hear about how technology affects our life. Or maybe think about their own habits when they’re online.

– Yeah?

– Yeah, Isak confirmed. He smirked. – By the way, who says smoke and mirrors are bad? We need entertainment, dammit!

A wide smile grew in Even’s face. – So you’ll support me if I make a drama show with the sole purpose of entertaining and nothing more?

– Of course, Isak grinned. – Although I doubt that you’ll manage to make something without symbols and hidden meanings. I’m certain even your documentary thing is full of it. You put me on a park bench. What did it symbolize? A public meeting place? Did it illustrate the cuddle app or something?

– Mm yeah, that’s actually a good point, Even laughed. He leant his head on Isak’s shoulder. – Thank you for the tip. Next time someone asks me, I’ll tell them about the importance of people-friendly meeting places like benches.

Isak doubted that he managed to mask the love in his eyes when he looked back at Even. – You do that, he said. – By the way, don’t pretend. I know you love symbols.

Even was silent for a beat. – I do. And I do think I wanted to show something like that, although I didn’t think about it in our first meeting. Maybe they can illustrate the apps somehow. You know, studying all these apps have been really interesting. I think I see more of the appeal of them now than when I started out.

– Yeah?

Even looked up at him, smiling a slow smile. – Well, I found _you_ , didn’t I?

Isak’s heart jumped and skipped a beat and everything at the same time. – You did! he confirmed.

Even’s gaze dropped to the floor. – I’m not sure if I have done what I thought I would with this project, though. I wanted to say something about what our use of these apps said about our relationship to technology and each other. But I’m not sure I concluded very well.

Isak frowned. He suspected Even was too critical to his own work. – So? What did you end up saying in the last episode?

Even smiled. – You’ll have to wait and see.

– Right. I still think you should send it to someone, though.

– I know, I know, Even nodded. – And I want to, I’m just… nervous.

Isak stilled as an idea formed in his head. – Yeah, I get that, he said. – You know what? Let’s make this a challenge.

Another smile formed on Even’s face. – A challenge?

– Yeah. If I dare to come out to my parents, you have to dare to send in your project.

Even raised his eyebrows and the stubborn challenge in his eyes mirrored Isak’s. – Hah. Right. Fine. The moment you come out to your parents, I’ll send in my project. That’s a dare, Isak.

 _Right_. Isak swallowed. What happened now? Did he trick himself into doing something he wasn’t ready for?

To take his mind off it he kissed Even for all he was worth, his fingers sinking into the silky mane of Even's hair to hold him to his mouth. The kiss was passionate, deep, furious and meltingly hot.

– Fuck, Even gasped against Isak’s lips. He rubbed the tip of his nose against Isak's as he pressed his fingertips against his parted lips. – Mm… I like this, he muttered. – I wish we could just stay here.

– Uhm we could, Isak breathed. He knew he wasn’t exactly thinking clearly, though. They had more than enough plans that day. But in this moment, he would agree to anything Even suggested.

– Halla! What’s up, boys? Oh my God, don’t you two _ever_ latch off of each other?

 _Eskild_.

Isak repressed an annoyed groan and sat back. – We’re just…

– You’re just all over each other, that’s what you are, Eskild interrupted, grinning. He didn’t look bothered at all as he leaned in the doorway. He looked rather pleased, actually. – But that’s good. You’re pups in love; it’s sweet.

Isak scoffed. He could feel Even’s chest jumping in silent laughter next to him.

Eskild kept looking at them. – I’m just happy to see that you’re a little bit more relaxed about it all, Isakyaki.

Isak could have faked being annoyed but he smiled. He was pretty pleased with the fact, too. The day after Even and he finally got together he managed just fine to go to school hand in hand with Even. They had even shared a kiss in the school hallway. He wasn’t completely comfortable with being out, but he had come a long way.

– I guess you’re right, he said.

– Of course I am, Eskild smiled. – Ah well, I’m gonna leave you to it. I’m planning a TV night with Linn.

Isak uttered an acknowledging noise as he leaned closer to Even.

– Sounds nice, Even chimed in. – Say hi, yeah?

– Yeah, of course, Eskild smiled, looking a little pleased. – What’s your plan today, boys?

– We’re going out, Isak said. – Eva is having a party.

Eskild gave a low ooooh. – Noora’s Eva? Sounds fun.

– She’s not Noora’s, Isak muttered, and fought the silly impulse to say “she was mine first.”

– Don’t be jealous, Isak, Eskild chuckled. – Noora is in London, anyway. Did you know that I partied with them once? Noora blackmailed me to seduce Vilde. I got to touch her boobs and everything. Fun times. Well, see you, later, boys!

Isak stared at Eskild’s back as he waved and walked out. He couldn’t even take in Eskild’s story, but that was nothing new, really. He turned to face Even. – Are we really all over each other all the time? he asked.

Even looked at Isak with laughter in his eyes. – Probably, he smiled. – Well you need your dose of cuddles, after all, now that you don’t work as a cuddler anymore.

– True, Isak couldn’t help smiling back. He had decided to quit his cuddle job the other day and it felt like a relief. He had saved quite a bit of money and could afford to take his time to find something else. – Gimme my daily dose, he muttered and cradled Even’s jaw. They kissed deeply, and then his lips were moving more and more desperately over Even’s, devouring him, licking deep into his mouth.

Even made him feel… _so much._ He couldn’t hold it back if he wanted to.

– I need you, baby, Isak breathed, unable to suppress the swell of emotion within. He had a strong urge to reassure Even in a way. Let him know just how much Isak valued what they had. Let him know that he meant the world to Isak. Just not… say those three words. Not yet. He licked at Even's lips and then caught his kiss-swollen bottom lip between his teeth and bit gently. – You make me feel alive, I…

Even groaned. – I know that, he whispered, gently cutting Isak off.

– Do you? Isak asked, searching Even’s face, looking for any doubt. He found none.

– Yeah, Even confirmed. He kept Isak’s gaze. – And you’re just as important to me, too. Don’t forget that.

– I won’t, Isak said. His phone pinged, and when he looked at it, he groaned. – Eva texted me and asked me to pick up some folding chairs at Sana’s and bring them to her place. Why me? I don’t even know where that Sana lives!

Even smiled a little. – “That” Sana? Is that how you talk about your classmates? Isn’t she in some of your classes?

Isak shrugged and got up from the couch. – Yeah, she’s in Biology and Physics, but I don’t _know_ her. She seems cool, though. Knows her shit. But you know that.

– Yeah.

Isak noticed that Even grew silent, but decided not to dwell on it too much. He stretched out a hand and pulled Even up off the couch. – Come on.

– What? Can’t we stay here a little longer?

The question and the promise in Even’s eyes forced Isak to take a deep breath.

_God, I love you._

His feelings would have to wait. He shook himself out of it. – Nah, let’s pick up our beer and our things and get out of here, he said. He picked up his snapback and put it on his head. – We obviously have stuff to do, and a party to attend to.

##  **Even: I should tell you something**

Isak was warm next to Even on the sofa. There was something so pleasant, something that felt right, smelt right, sitting here. Even was ready for the day but he was still feeling satiated and boneless after being with Isak. He let his body relax, his muscles become loose. He felt Isak brush his hair back with his careful fingers and kiss him gently.

Even stared into Isak’s beautiful green eyes, these eyes, which could pull a person in. And that was exactly what they had done the first day he'd laid eyes on Isak. Now they looked a little distanced, though.

Isak had been unusually silent after they slept together, but Even didn’t know why. Even had enjoyed the time they had together, and the peace afterwards. He wondered if Isak liked it too, or if his sudden silence meant something more. Even bit his lip to hold in his worry.

Had he said something wrong? Done something?

Even knew he did stupid things sometimes.

Maybe Isak was unsure about the two of them? The questions burned in Even’s throat but he didn’t dare to ask it.

So, in the end, he asked something else. – I can almost hear you think right now. You okay?

Isak’s eyes drifted around, like he didn’t know where to look. Then he told Even about his mom and his worries about coming out to her. Even knew it was only partly the truth, but that was okay. If something else bothered Isak, he could tell Even in his own time.

Isak looked sad, and Even wondered if the thoughts of his mother ever reminded Isak of Even’s illness. Even dropped his head to stare down at his hands. He knew he could have talked more with Isak about his own struggles. He just… Knowing how Isak struggled with his mom, he didn’t want Isak to struggle with _him,_ too. To be honest, he didn’t feel like he deserved Isak at all.

Isak seemed to ease up a little after telling Even about his mom, though, and he teased Even about his project and proposed the challenge. – If I dare to come out to my parents, you have to dare to send in your project.

 _Right. Fine._ Even had to accept the challenge, of course. He didn’t mind it, either. It made him nervous (what if it wasn’t good enough? what if everyone saw how bad he was?), but he liked to be pushed without _really_ being pushed. Isak seemed to have this strange ability to find that balance, again and again.

They kissed and snuggled on the sofa, and only paused for a moment as Eskild interrupted them. Isak faked being annoyed but Even saw right through him. He loved to see Isak interact with Eskild. The two of them seemed to have this family vibe going on, almost like Eskild was Isak’s older brother. Even held Isak close and almost choked up thinking that Isak deserved family. He deserved _everything_.

Eskild left them and Even drowned in Isak’s embrace. He needed Isak so bad. They hadn't been together for long but Isak kept him grounded.

It seemed like he wasn’t the only one thinking like that.

– I need you, baby, Isak said, and his eyes shone and Even dared to hope it meant more than a friendship.

His heart beat fast and hard in his chest. – I know that, he said, interrupting Isak because he didn’t want Isak to feel that he was forced to say the big words too early. Not that he assumed anything, but he knew he loved Isak. He had known for a while. Isak became something more than a crush a long time ago. And if Isak felt some of the same, that was amazing. But there was a hint of fear in Isak’s eyes that told Even that he wasn’t quite ready to say it out loud.

Even didn’t want them to have secrets, though. He wanted them to share everything. So when Isak got a text about fetching chairs at Sana’s place, Even knew it was about time to tell Isak he knew Sana well. But even if he tried, the words just wouldn’t leave his mouth.

What if Isak became disappointed in him, for keeping this a secret? Even didn’t want that.

He just wanted to stay there, with Isak, forever.

– Now let’s get out of here, Isak said, and they got up off the sofa. Even tried to protest, but it was no use.

They walked hand in hand down the stairs. Isak was still a little quiet, and Even tried to convince himself that it wasn’t anything bad. Isak would have told him if he was mad, wouldn’t he? At the tram stop Isak muttered about his GPS not working, and Even knew he finally had to say something about Sana. He swallowed. Hesitated. Swallowed again. – So, I should tell you something, he said.

He dragged Isak onto the right tram. Isak looked at him. He looked confused. – Yeah?

– I should have told you a long time ago... I know where Sana lives.

Isak put his phone away. – Oh, that’s good. Then I don’t have to struggle with this GPS shit anymore.

Even squeezed Isak’s hand. – I mean I know Sana.

Isak looked at him and raised an eyebrow. – Yeah, I know that, Even. You hang with the girls all the time!

– No, I _know_ her. From before. I think I have known her since she was… eight or something. Well, I knew about her from she started at school. Her brother, Elias, is one of my best buddies from… before.

Isak’s eyes were wide and his mouth dropped open. – Oh. So you went to Urra, too? Just like Sana did?

– Yeah. Elias, Mikael, Sana and I went to Uranienborg. And Sonja. I met the rest of the gang, Mutta, Adam and Yousef, at Bakka.

Isak looked confused. – So... why didn’t you tell me?

Even sighed, feeling a little silly. – I suppose… At first, I wanted to keep most of what happened at Bakka to myself. The episode and everything that happened. I wanted a new start.

Isak nodded. Waited.

 _God_ , Even loved how Isak did this. He waited, listened, and then he used his beautiful mind to put it all together.

– And you… Even muttered. – I wanted to tell you my story in my own time, you know?

– I get that, Isak said. – You did tell me some in the beginning, though. That you had a manic episode and that you got the diagnosis. And you kinda told me repeatedly that you fucked everything up. And you told me that you kissed your best friend, too, right?  

– Uhm yeah, that’s true, Even said, feeling the next words burning in his chest. – And… that I tried to…

– Kill yourself. Yeah. You told me about it.

Even startled. Isak was so matter-of-fact about it. But in a way, it made sense that Isak took it like that. It made everything somehow feel better, too. Less shameful, perhaps.

– Yeah, he admitted.

Isak furrowed his brows. – But how would it be a problem that I knew about Sana?

– Well, it probably wouldn’t, Even said, hesitantly. – I just thought that it would. I knew that if everybody at Nissen heard that Sana knew everything about me, then… she would get a lot of questions. So I asked her not to tell anyone.

Isak looked contemplative. – Yeah, I get that. And Sana respected it?

– She did.

– She’s cool.

– Yeah, she really is, Even said. He had to smile, as he thought of Sana. There was something about her that reminded him of Isak sometimes. – And, you know what, you should ask her to cooperate in biology. She’s a genius, just like you.

Isak cocked his head, smirked and sent him a _look_ . – _Nobody_ is just like me, Even.

Even chuckled. – I _know_ , that’s true. But you know, I _had_ a crush on Sana once.

He even surprised himself with the admission.

Isak came with a startled laugh. – You did _not!_

Even couldn’t hide that he was blushing. Didn’t want to. – Oh yeah, I did, he said. – She was so beautiful, strong and smart. Sadly, she wasn’t interested in me at all, though. And, well, I couldn’t really hit on my buddy’s little sister, could I?

Isak chuckled a little. – No, you couldn’t. Wait… when was this? Before Sonja? It couldn’t have been that early? Sana must have been like 12 back then!

– Uhm, no, it was later, Even admitted, and he was sure he blushed even more. – Sonja and I were on a break, I suppose it was about a year before I met you.

Isak shook his head in disbelief. – So… Sonja, Mikael, Sana and me? I can’t find any common factors here.

Even shrugged. – If I have a type, it’s probably… good people, he smiled. – Smart people. Strong willed. And always good looking, of course. I’m kinda superficial.

– Yeah, of course, Isak laughed.

Even loved his laughter. He wished he could hear more of it. – What’s your type, then? he asked, still smiling.

Isak rolled his eyes. – I don’t know…

– Yeah, you do!

– Uhm… Isak looked like he was thinking about it. – Definitely chill and easy going but idealistic... Good people, too, I guess, who are not particularly fond of boring rules. And they have to be hot!

– Oh yeah? Even bumped his shoulder into Isak’s, and Isak grinned.

– Yeah.

– Sounds like you found the right guy, then! Even said. He couldn’t help laughing, as he wondered if Isak was talking about Jonas or him right now, or maybe both. Maybe someone else, too?

Isak just smiled. He looked like he wanted to say something, but held it back. Then he just shrugged and the moment was over. They were both still smiling as they walked off the tram and set the course for Sana’s house.  

It was Even’s turn to get quiet then. He was nervous. What if Elias was there, and maybe the other boys, too? Maybe Mikael?

– Are you okay with this? Isak asked. – If you like, I can go alone.

– No, it’s fine.

Even had spoken a little with Elias on the phone already, just two days ago. They hadn’t talked much, just concluded that they were both busy and it was difficult to find a time to meet. Even had tried to explain a little why he had stayed away for so long, but it was difficult to find the right words over the phone. Apart from that, they had kept the talk light and easy, as if they didn’t dare to bring up the past. But it was a start.

Now Even didn’t know if he wanted to postpone the _Big Talk_ once more, or if it was better to get it over with. No matter what would happen, he was sure that going with Isak made everything feel better. – Thanks for asking, Even said, and gave Isak a soft kiss on his cheek.

Luckily, Sana was the one to open the door. – Hi, guys, you’re here for the chairs? she said and smiled, looking beautiful as always. – Come inside!

She was about to step back to let them in, but Even stopped her. – Sana. Hi. Uhm. I just want to say that I told Isak that I know you and the boys. From before.

Sana seemed surprised, but only for a moment. She nodded and let them in. Then she looked at Isak, who gave her a quick smile, and then back at Even. – Right. Yeah. Well, I guess that makes everything simpler. Uhm. The boys are here. They can help you with the chairs.

– Oh. Right.

The boys. Even had known that it was a possibility that they were here, but it still made his pulse race.

– Okay, Isak said next to him, looking at him with a question in his eyes. – Should we pop in and say hi, then?

– Yeah, good idea, Even nodded, although he mostly wanted to turn around and run.

Sana smiled then, and her eyes shone. She showed them into the living room where Even noticed Elias and the other boys at once. They were all hanging over Elias and a PC, and it looked like they were working on something. The scene was so familiar it made Even’s chest hurt.

– Hi, guys, Sana said, sounding composed as she mostly did. – Isak’s here to pick up some folding chairs. And Even is here, too.

– Even! So good to see you! Elias said, with a wide smile and surprise in his eyes. He shut the PC, got up and gave Even a hug.

The hug felt surprisingly familiar. Even felt that some of the tension in his neck eased out of him. The other guys came over, too, and soon Isak and Even were embraced in shouts and hugs. Isak looked slightly overwhelmed as he smiled, told them all his name and gave them bro hugs.

Even noticed that Mikael stayed in the background, but he smiled and greeted them both. The other guys mostly looked happy, and curious.

Yousef hugged Even for a long time. – So good to see you, he said. – I missed you, Even.

Even smiled back. – You too, he said.

– We’re just editing some clips from my party. It was wild.

For a beat Even didn’t get it and then he remembered. They were in the beginning of October already. – Damn, I just missed your birthday, didn’t I?!

Yousef just shrugged and smiled. – Well, it’s just a birthday. And you’re here now.

– Yeah and _my_ birthday is coming up soon, Adam interrupted, patting Even’s shoulder. – You’ll get your chance to celebrate with us soon enough.

They acted as if everything was back to how it was before. Part of Even was relieved and part of him felt like something was off. He could sense that they worried about him. – That’s good, he said, anyway.

– Yeah, that sounds good, Isak chimed in. He squeezed Even’s hand. The touch calmed Even, and eased his mind. No matter what, he had Isak.

– How are you doing, man? Mutta asked Even, smiling wider than ever.

– Good, good, Even replied, feeling slightly lightheaded. He still didn’t know if he wanted to stay or run away.

The hint at panic must have shown because Elias put a hand on his shoulder. – Even, he said, – I wonder if you can help me get those chairs from the attic?

It was pretty obvious that he wanted to talk to Even alone, since Even wasn’t exactly known for his strength or practicality.

– Sure, Even nodded. He gave Isak a reassuring smile and let go of his hand.

– And Isak, I need your help with something in Biology, Sana said, as if she was afraid to leave Isak with the other boys. She probably was, too.

Isak and Even locked eyes and shrugged. Smiled a little. It seemed like the Bakkoush siblings were determined to do this their way. It seemed futile to argue.

Even followed Elias up to the attic.

– I just wanted you to myself a little, Elias said, as he turned on the lights in the dark room. He started to move boxes back and forth, probably in an attempt to find the chairs.

– I kinda guessed that, Even smiled. He looked around. The overfilled attic seemed more right for a scary movie than for a friendly talk. It fitted his nerves perfectly. – You weren’t exactly subtle.

– Yeah, I suppose that it was kinda transparent. Well. I just want to tell you something without everybody listening. I know that it can become a little too much. So. We’re sorry, that’s all.

He stopped looking for the chairs and met Even’s eyes instead. – We should have reached out more, Even. At first, we didn’t know what the fuck was going on, and then… we just didn’t want to push you, you know?

– No. I’m the one who should say sorry, Elias, Even protested. – I didn’t mean to stay away. I just… It felt too difficult. I guess I wanted to protect you all. I knew that I had this illness and I guess I was scared that it could happen again.

Elias nodded. – We were really worried, Even, he said in the end. – You never answered. I guess we never understood why you didn’t want to talk to us anymore.

Even winced. – I see that. I’m sorry, I… I was just so ashamed. And yeah. It was stupid, really.

– It kinda was. We’re best buddies, Even. Right? And I know it must have been hard, but I just wish you could feel like you could talk to us.

– Yeah, I know. I don’t know why it was so difficult...

Elias smiled a small smile. – Actually, I get that part. It must have been horrible when it all went down! We had each other, while you were kinda alone, right? I mean, you had Sonja, but I guess she wasn’t who you needed.

Even huffed a laugh. – Guess not.

– I can’t believe that you finally broke up with her. All that back and forth...

– I know. It was the right thing to do.

– Looks like it! Elias smiled. He paused. Then he met Even’s gaze. – I’m just saying. We shouldn’t have given up so easily. I’m sorry.

– That’s alright, Even said. He didn’t know what else to say. He only wanted them to get through this, and out on the other side. Not just with Elias, but the others, too. He bit his lip. – So, how’s Mikael doing?

– He’s good. He had a rough time, but it’s a lot better now.

– That’s good.

– You can ask him, though.  

Even nodded. He got the message, loud and clear. – Yeah, I suppose I can.

– Come here, Elias said, smiling.

They hugged again, and in that moment the chairs were long forgotten.

But then Elias stepped back and got to business. He found the chairs and started to pick them up so they could carry them down the stairs. Even followed his movements. There was a new silence between them as they worked together to get down the chairs.

– So. You and Isak, huh? Elias asked as they shut the door to the attic behind them. He smiled a little.

– Yeah, Even responded, smiling, too. He didn’t know what else to say. How could he ever explain what he felt for Isak, or what he meant?

Elias paused in the stairs, looking at Even. – And are you fine with that? Liking a boy? You have accepted it and stuff?

 _Oh, God._ Even had almost managed to forget about that part. _Almost_. – Yeah, I have, he said. – I was confused for a while, though. I’m so sorry for what I posted on that Facebook wall. I wasn’t myself.

Elias kept his gaze. – I know that.

– Yeah? But uh… you know, that thing that happened when I kissed Mikael? And uh… when I tried to kill myself? I was sick, you know. I was manic.

Elias leaned to the wall. – Right. Yeah, I sort of guessed that. But this with Isak is different, right? Sana seems to think you’re in love?

Even felt the blush rising in his cheeks. – Yeah. Yeah, I am.

It was such a relief to say it out loud that he almost felt dizzy. – I just hope I don’t fuck things up, he admitted.  

– Oh, I’m sure you won’t, Elias said. – Don’t stress. You’re a decent guy, and so is Isak. Or he seems to be.

– Yeah.

Even paused, thinking. – It’s just… I don’t always get when I fuck up, you know. And, for instance, Isak’s been a little quiet today and I get so worried. What if I have already fucked up somehow?

Elias threw his head back with a wide resigned smile. – Dude, you think too much. Have you considered asking him?

 _Right_. Even had to laugh. – I guess I should.

– Yeah, you should, Elias grinned.

Even nodded. It felt so strange to talk with Elias like this, but so right, too. It felt like Elias accepted Even being with Isak, but Even needed to know. – So, uhm, you’re good with us? Isak and me? he asked, with his heart beating hard in his chest.

Elias nodded. – Yeah, of course I am.

The smiles that passed between them felt easy, like in the old times.

They carried the chairs downstairs. Well, Elias took most of the chairs but Even was pretty proud that he managed to bring quite a few.

The rest of the guys were hanging in the hallway, and as Even and Elias approached them, Isak appeared from Sana’s room. He looked strangely moved.

Sana turned up behind him. – Isak tells me that you’ve finished that documentary thingie of yours, she said, and raised an eyebrow. – The one about apps?

– Uhm, yeah? Even responded. He relaxed a little as Isak slung an arm around his waist. Isak was maybe a little silent today, but he hadn’t totally shied away. That was good.

– I just thought that you could show the film tonight, like before the party? Sana said. – I’m sure Eva and the other girls would love to see it. You interviewed Vilde, too, right?

Even swallowed. He was nervous. He didn’t mind the idea, though. – Yeah…

The guys looked curious, and nodded to what Sana said.

– That’s a great idea, Isak said then. – And maybe you guys wanna come to the party, too?

Elias looked at Even questioningly.

They were all being so careful with him. It was a little strange, but Even appreciated that they at least were interested in his opinion. – Yeah, that would be great, he said. – If it’s okay with Eva, of course. I know that she doesn’t want her house to be trashed.

Sana didn’t look too pleased about the idea, but she nodded. – Fine. We managed to stop some people from spreading the word about the party, so I think there won’t be too many there.

Yousef smiled. – Sana and I can guard the door. No problem.

Sana gave him a _look_ , but Even noticed that there was a hint of fond amusement in her eyes. – We’ll see about that, she said.

– Hey, Let’s do this! Mutta cheered. – Even is back and we’re all going. It’s so cool!

Even breathed out in a slow breath. _Damn_. This was happening. He was back with the boys.

He felt that Isak looked at him and he met his gaze. Isak looked almost proud. But then Yousef came over and gave Even another hug, and the moment was over.

Isak and Even said their goodbyes, and as they left, Even felt on top of the world. It was only a beginning and he knew that he needed to talk more with the boys. Mikael especially. Still, he had done something he had feared for month and it proved to be just fine. The whole situation made him hopeful.

##  **Isak: Everything has happened so quickly**

– So do you really need help or are you just saving me from the interrogation from the others? Isak asked as he entered Sana’s room.

He stared at her with raised eyebrows. When Elias dragged Even with him to find the chairs and Sana pulled him aside, he had known Sana was up to something.

– Neither, Sana said. She sat down on her bed and waved to him that he could sit on her desk chair. – I just want to tell you to be good to Even. That’s all. He’s a good friend and he deserves the best.

Isak couldn’t imagine ever doing anything but being good to Even. Although he couldn’t tell the future he knew that he would try his best. – I know, and I will, he said.   

– Good, Sana responded. She looked down and started to leaf through one of her books that were on the bed. She looked a little awkward like she didn’t know what to say next.

Isak’s eyes narrowed as he looked at her. – You’re SO trying to keep me from the others!

Sana rolled her eyes. – Well, yeah, I guess. Elias and his friends can be a little much. I thought I could spare you the hassle.

Isak nodded and laughed a short laugh. – Thank you, he said. He didn’t say that he suspected that she had her own reasons. Maybe she wanted to keep her different worlds separated? He wouldn’t judge her if she did.  

As they sat there in the quiet room Isak felt strangely emotional. Maybe it wasn’t so weird; he had felt slightly out of it since morning, only now he had the time to notice it. Knowing what he felt for Even made him feel vulnerable. What if Even didn’t feel the same?

If Isak had known Sana better, he might have talked to her about it. As it was, he looked around in her room instead. He liked it. The Tupac poster threw him off a little. So Sana listened to Tupac? He realized that he had some ideas about Sana’s life and life and lifestyle that might be a little off. Prejudiced, even. He smiled as he saw the Donald Trump doll with pins in it. He started to wonder if Sana was far more relaxed with her faith than his mother ever had been. There were quite a few science books in Sana’s shelf, too.

– So… Even tells me that biology is your subject? Isak said. – He even called you a genius.

– Well, he’s right, of course, Sana grinned.

– Oh yeah? He said that we should work together.

Sana raised her eyebrows. – He did, did he?

Isak nodded as he tried to gather his thoughts. Sana didn’t quite fit into his assumptions (prejudices?) about her. She seemed to be a biology nerd that was religious, too? A person of faithwho listened to Tupac? A muslim girl on a russe bus? He shifted in his seat. – So. Uhm. Can I ask you something?

She sent him a guarded look. – Maybe. What?

Isak hesitated. – You don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to answer, but uh… Are you like okay with Even and me? he asked. – Like that we are… boyfriends? It’s not against your religion or anything?

The question seemed to surprise Sana. It surprised Isak, too, and he realized that he asked more because of his mom than anything else. Sana furrowed her brows and Isak swallowed. He was aware that the question might have sounded ignorant. Offensive, too, perhaps.

– Why do you ask, Isak? Do you want to put me in the box “I wear a hijab so I must hate gays?” Or maybe “I like biology so I can’t believe in a God?”

– No! Isak protested. He felt stupid, and he didn’t know what to say. – I didn’t mean it like that! I don’t know, I just wonder, about how being gay fits in… with faith. Some say it’s sinful and that we’ll go to hell, and I just… don’t get that, I suppose.

Sana stared at him. Isak’s throat ached and he realised that he needed to swallow to hold his tears back. _Fuck_ , he hated being emotional like this. And he knew it was probably wrong to expect an answer from her. It wasn’t her fault that his mom believed in a God that saw all the evil in the world but still didn’t do shit about it. It wasn’t Sana’s fault that his mom probably believed that he would go to Hell for loving Even. He just… He didn’t get it. He had tried to for so long, but he didn’t get it. How could his mom believe in a god like that? How could anyone? He just wished that someone religious could explain this to him.

Sana must have sensed the sincerity behind his question, because she sighed and said: – Right. Listen. My religion says that you shouldn’t treat others badly. You should treat others with respect.

– Yeah? Isak asked.

– Yeah. If you meet hate because of who you are or how you live your life, it’s not because of the religion. It’s because of fear.

Isak stared at her. It made some sort of sense, and it was oddly comforting. It felt like Sana saw him, and saw how he had battled with these questions. Fear. If his mom’s ideas could be looked at as fear, he could understand it a lot more. Also, maybe she wouldn’t hate him for loving a boy? His eyes stung and his throat ached and he could almost not hold his tears in.

Maybe he could find a way to talk to his mom, after all.  

– I am glad Even and you happened, Sana said, pulling him out of his thoughts. She held his gaze. – I guess I don’t know you well but Even is amazing and he seems to like you.

Isak smiled, even though his cheeks heated up. – Thanks. I’m glad, too.

Sana flashed him a teasing smile. – I can’t believe you met through that cuddle app, though. That’s really cheesy, you know! And weird.

– Hah, yeah that was strange. Even wasn’t exactly my typical client.

Sana looked curious. – Didn’t he have a film project?

– Yeah, he did, Isak grinned, feeling a little proud. – He’s finished, actually, and it’s damn good. I just wish he realized how good it is.

Sana nodded.

– Sana! Elias shouted from the hall and interrupted them. – We’ve got the extra chairs!

– Yeah yeah, don’t stress, Sana said and got up.

Isak got up, too. He walked out into the hallway with Sana in his heels. Even was standing there with Elias and the other boys. Isak wasn’t sure if he remembered all the names, but he remembered Mikael from the video. Even looked good. Maybe a little emotional. Well, he wasn’t alone. Isak moved in and slid his arm around Even’s waist. The warmth from his body made Isak feel calmer.

Sana was quick to mention Even’s film project to the others. – Oh, could you show it tonight, like before the party? she asked. – I’m sure Eva and the other girls would love to see it!

Isak loved the idea, and he said so. Even looked nervous, but he didn’t protest. Isak invited Even’s buddies to join them at the party, too. They all seemed enthusiastic, especially Mutta.

– We can bring some of the chairs too, Elias said. – So you two don’t have to carry too much.

‘Not too much’ proved to be enough. With the beer in their backpacks, the extra chairs were heavy. Even didn’t seem to mind, though. He was smiling and laughing a little as the two of them struggled to get down the stairs to the pavement. Meeting the guys must have been a relief, Isak figured. They left the house with their backpacks full of beer and their arms full of folding chairs and Even still looked several kilograms lighter.

– Wow, I did it, he muttered. – I finally had that talk. Well, with Elias, at least.

– You did, Isak nodded, feeling weirdly proud of Even.  A strong feeling of warmth spiralled in his chest. – How do you feel?

Even smiled with his whole face. He slowed down a little so that the two of them fell into rhythm with each other. – Not bad, actually. Not bad at all. Elias was just as I know him. I can’t believe it, but he actually said sorry, too. I don’t feel like I deserve it, to be honest.

 _You deserve everything_ , Isak wanted to say, but he didn’t know how to say that. After a short silence, he asked: – Was it okay that I invited them to the party?

– Yeah, that’s good. It feels kinda like I am getting back into the saddle with them, or something.

The silent happiness in Even’s eyes made Isak’s chest ache. He wished he could pull Even close and kiss him senseless, tell him that he was the best thing that ever had happened to him. But even if he felt like he could show affection publicly now, he still needed to remind himself that it was allowed. He still needed to fight the impulse to hold everything back.

– Makes sense, he said instead, wondering if his feelings spilled out on his face. He tried to get a better grip on the chairs he was carrying. – I can’t wait to get rid of these, though. Do we have everything we need for the party?

He noticed the fondness in Even’s eyes before he smiled. – Yeah, we have beer and we look great. I suppose we are as ready as we can be?

– True, Isak smiled. He wished he had something quick and funny to say, but his mind seemed to be slow today. They arrived at the tram stop and they put down the folding chairs. Isak checked out his own clothes. At least he had no stains.  

– You still look so hot, Even murmured.

Isak’s heart skipped a beat. – Shit, that's not the look I was going for, he grinned. – I was hoping I looked casual, but taken.

The corners of Even’s eyes crinkled when he smiled. – Casual, but taken, huh? Hey, no matter what you wear, you look hot, so don't bother.

– Yeah, yeah, Isak blushed.

Even shook his head. He tenderly pushed back the strand of hair falling in Isak's eyes. – You don't have any idea just how sexy you are, do you? he whispered, leaning forward to kiss him.

And wow. Just like that, Isak’s felt butterflies all over the place again. – Look who’s talking, he muttered. Even looked just as great as earlier with his white t-shirt and jeans. How his impossible quiff had survived the battle with the chairs, was a mystery. Isak wanted to tell him just that, but he let his fingers play with the curls in Even’s neck instead. Then he noticed that their tram appeared. – Well, let’s get these chairs and our sexy asses to the party, then, he said.

So they did. They dragged their backpacks and the chairs with them onto the tram. There weren’t many people on it, but since they carried a lot of stuff, they chose to stand. As they held onto the pole in the middle of the tram, Isak’s mind went back to the talk to Sana. _Fear_ , she’d said. _Not religion._

– Are you religious? he asked Even, remembering how he once talked about being a director in his own life.

Even stared at him, wide eyed. – Uh… Why?

– Well, I’ve been thinking a lot about beliefs lately, Isak explained, – because of mom, I suppose. So… are you? I mean, if you wanna tell me?

– Right, Even said, and looked like he had to think for a moment. – I guess I’m agnostic. I have had some periods when I was searching for a meaning, and I did try to read the Quran. But I suppose I think that I don’t know what I believe?

– I don’t believe in any god, Isak said.

– Parallel universes, though? Even smiled.

Isak smiled back. – Yeah. Actually, I did believe in God when I was a kid, and I did go through with the confirmation and everything but then… there was so much evil in the world… and science made more sense. Also, the whole thing about gays going to hell bugs me, of course.

Even nodded. It looked like he waited for something.

Isak hesitated a little. – For a long time, I hated all types of religions for bringing hate and war and ugly actions. But it’s not about the religions, is it? It’s the people. And their fears.

– I think you’re right, Even said, looking stunned. He took Isak’s hand and squeezed it. – This makes sense to me, too.

– Yeah?

– Yeah. I have pondered quite a lot about religion and these things, actually. I guess it was natural when several of my closest friends were religious. And then, the manic episode made it take off a little.

Isak nodded. He leant his head on Even’s shoulder, as he felt something fall into place in his head. It was weird how Even’s and his lives had these strange parallels. They’d both had some tough times, they had both been attracted to their best friends and they had struggled with religion and who they were. It was pretty great how they had found each other.

If only he could share this with his family, too.

He could feel how Even looked at him. – You’re still thinking about talking to your mom, aren’t you? Even asked.

– Yeah, I guess so.

Even kept looking at him. – Maybe it’s about time, then?

– Yeah, but. It’s been so long, and. I kinda left her, you know? What if she doesn’t want to hear from me?

There was so much care in Even’s eyes it almost took Isak’s breath away. – Now, I don’t know your mother, he said. – But you’re her kid and she loves you. Of course she wants to hear from you. And no matter how she struggles she wants you to be happy.

– Yeah?

– Yeah. So if you want to tell her, you should.

Isak let Even’s words sink in. Even had a point. Also, Even had faced one of his big fears today. Maybe it was about time Isak faced one of his?

He picked up his phone and looked at the screen. His heart beat hard in his chest. A part of him wanted to tell his mom about this, tell her everything. Was he ready, though?  He wasn’t sure but his thoughts had been swirling about coming out to his parents all day. He was pretty sure that his mom would get sad and confused if he told her. And his dad would probably shy away from everything, like he always did. But Isak was so tired of holding everything inside. It was about time. He texted:

 _Mom. Dad. I need to tell you something. I’m dating a boy. I’m sorry if that makes you sad or disappointed. I know you believe it’s a sin, mom, but I will be fine._ _You don’t need to be afraid because it says that God has created everyone in his image and that everyone is equal. Hug from Isak._

Isak sent the text to both his parents, before he had the time to second-guess it. His heart beat as a drum as he put his phone away and let the words linger in the back of his mind as he turned to face Even again.

 _Fuck_. He did it.

– I did it, he said. – I texted my parents about us.

Even brightened up in a wide smile and gave him a tight hug. Isak held on a little longer than he normally would. _I can do this_ , he told himself. _I can hug whoever I want whenever I want_. – That’s great, Even said.

Isak tried to look easy with it. He mostly felt relieved, though, and nervous. – It felt right, he said. – Now it’s your turn, right? You should send in that documentary thing.

Even smiled. – Fine. I’ll do it, Isak. If you can be so brave, I can be, too, he said. He kept Isak’s gaze and pouted a little. Isak wondered if Even knew how wild that drove him, how it made him want to kiss him, pull him close and feel every inch of his skin. At that moment, there in the tram, with people chatting around them, they couldn’t.

 _Fuck_ , they could at least kiss. Isak pulled Even’s hand to move in front of him, toe to toe. They kissed and the other passengers melted away, the tram too, and the moment was theirs. It was as if they'd been transported somewhere else.

Isak’s phone pinged, and he almost jumped as he got back to reality. He picked up his phone and there was a text, but not from his parents. He pushed away the disappointment. It was a text from an unknown number.

_Hey, Isak. I thought I would see you tonight, but it seems like they don’t want too many guests at that party. Even made me think, and I just want to say sorry for what I said. I promise I won’t bug you with this anymore. Emma._

Isak stared at the text. _What the fuck?_ He showed Even the text.

– Huh, Even said, as a small blush grew on his cheeks.

Isak looked at the text again. – You talked to Emma? he asked.

Even fiddled with his jacket and almost looked guilty. – Yeah, I guess I went after her that night when she threatened you. I told her that she couldn’t treat you like that.

– Didn’t you say that you just needed air? That you had some sort of a flashback or something?

– Yeah, well that was true. I did react to it, and I did feel like I needed… air. But I also didn’t want you to go through the shit I went through. So I talked to her.

A warm feeling coiled in Isak’s stomach. – Oh. Uhm. Why didn’t you tell me that you did?

Even looked like he couldn’t meet his eyes. – I just felt… stupid. Impulsive. I had no idea if you wanted me to tell her those things or if you wanted to fix it on your own. So I just told you that I thought it would be okay and let it be. I’m uh… sorry.

Isak stared at him. Then he smiled. – Even. It’s fine. It’s amazing. I love that you did that for me. Okay?

– Yeah?

– Yeah. But what the fuck do I say to this girl so she doesn’t misread it?

Even smiled a little. – Just say that you’re glad she apologized, I suppose?

Isak did, as he tried to push away the worry that his parents hadn’t answered his text yet. He turned off the sound of his phone and put it away. He didn’t need to get jumpy and restless as he waited for them to answer.

Even noticed, though. – Nothing from your parents? he asked.

– Nah, but they probably haven’t seen it yet.

He met Even’s eyes and smiled a little. Telling his parents still felt right. It felt like something on his way to accept who he was. It made him nervous as hell, but it was still the right thing to do.

– Hey, it's going to be fine, Even said softly, kissing Isak’s lips. – I know it will.

And _oh, damn_ , Even’s kisses were so sweet. Isak even forgot to be embarrassed over the fact that they were in a public place. The wave that ran through him was intoxicating, making his head swim as he pulled back to take in Even’s beautiful face. – Yeah, probably, he muttered and kissed Even back.

– It will. And I’m proud of you.

Isak couldn’t tear his eyes off Even’s face. _Fuck_ , he loved Even so much. He realized that he _wanted_ to tell Even how he felt, and preferably before he got so drunk that Even would think it was drunk talk. Was he ready, though?

Isak fell silent.

– Are you okay? Even asked. He looked almost insecure as he took a deep breath. – I’ve noticed that you’ve been a little quiet today. Was it just about your parents? Or something else?

Isak shrugged, as he struggled to keep Even’s gaze. – I guess there was a bit more. But I don’t know if this is the time to talk about it.

Even stared at him. – Oh. Right.

He looked so lost that Isak had to kiss him.

– So is it about me? Even asked, against his lips. – Have I done something wrong, or?

_What?_

Isak pulled back and stared at him. – No! You didn’t do anything, Even, he said and grabbed Even’s hands. – I… I just. This is so new, and… everything has happened so quickly…

_… and it’s too early to tell you how I feel._

Even stared at him with wide eyes, looking like Isak had slapped him in the face. _Oh, no, no, no_. Isak grabbed Even’s cheeks. – No, not like that, Even. I just...

He didn’t know what to say. He found Even’s lips again, and he sighed into the kiss as he shuddered, melting against Even. Isak’s hand drifted to Even’s hip. It settled there and pulled him closer. He wanted to kiss Even forever, and never let go.

But in the end they had to release each others’ lips, if they wanted to or not. They came to the right tram stop and had to get off. Isak gave a deep sigh as he put on his backpack and they dragged the chairs with them off the tram. He wanted to drag Even somewhere and make out, but he knew he couldn’t.

Even seemed like he wanted the same. When the tram disappeared he pulled Isak close and wouldn’t let go.

– We have a party to go to, Isak said and almost smiled when Even rubbed the back of his neck in a sign of frustration. He was beginning to associate that gesture with Even. He thought it was adorable.

– Ugh... Please not yet, Even said, and his voice was barely above a whisper. – Let’s stay a little. For a while at least.

He looked just as desperate as Isak felt. And cute. Isak realized that he couldn’t dance around the issue anymore.

– Listen Even, Isak began. – I want to tell you something. I like you. A lot. I guess you know that. But from the very first day I saw you, I had the hots for you. I wanted to know what it felt like to be with you. That's just how I felt. I don't know about you, but what’s happened between us was and is fucking amazing. There's no way I'm going to forget that or stop myself from wanting more. And I know I want more. I love you, Even. And, uh… If we’re supposed to keep doing this, I gotta know what you feel, too.

– What are you saying? Even whispered.

Isak’s heart beat fast. He could feel his pulse everywhere, even in his ears. – I guess what I'm saying is that I’m not going to be your personal cuddler, or your friend, or your lover. We’ve tried that. If we’re doing this, we should do it for real. Or that’s what I think, anyway.

Even’s face was impossible to read.

Isak’s throat was so dry that he had to swallow. – So, he said, swallowing again. – What do you think? Or feel?

Even licked his lips. His eyes were shining. – If I say that I love you too and that I don’t just want to be friends either, what do you think about that?

Isak froze. He hadn't been expecting that. He stared at Even, his heart pounding so hard within his chest. Christ, what was Even doing to him? He took a deep breath. – That’s cool, he whispered.

Of course, that was an understatement. But Even must have seen what he meant. Even’s smile grew wider. – I love you too, Isak, he said. – I think I’ve loved you for a long time.

 _Even loved him!_ Isak couldn’t believe it. The relief and happiness felt like a warm wave flooding through him. They kissed, and Isak tried to pour all his feelings into the kiss. Even’s lips were hot, and sweet, and his body was so firm and warm against his. When they eventually released each other's lips, Isak wanted to fuck Even right then and there on the tram stop. He told himself to stop thinking like that but he couldn't for the life of him obey his brain. He'd wanted those sexy lips on his, those hands on him, that body rubbing against his, that beautiful cock…

– Fuck… Isak swore darkly. He was so in love and he was so hard and he couldn’t think. _Shit. Shit. Shit._

– Yeah, you know that I’m up for that, Even chuckled, although he looked hazed, too. – But the timing is kinda wrong, I suppose. And the place.

Isak looked down, thankful that his jeans and Jesus t-shirt hid the strain down there, taking deep breaths to bring his body under control. He didn't have any choice but to hold in his lust till the party was over.

– Yeah, Isak breathed against Even’s lips. – Fuck. We have a party to go to! What are we doing?

– I don't know and I’m not sure if I care, Even sighed.

– We really should go now, Isak muttered.

– Uhm yeah. But that's no fun, Even whispered, his eyes on Isak. – Can’t we do something else instead?

– Like... Isak breathed, licking his suddenly dry lips. Even sighed and his deep blue eyes dropped from his eyes to his mouth.

– I don’t know… Even's breath was coming out harshly. – We could find a place?

The invitation in Even’s eyes took Isak’s breath away. Still, the suggestion was ridiculous. He smiled and sighed. – Fuck, I would love to have you to myself, he breathed. He just wanted Even so much. He was so hard it was almost hurtful. He would have done almost anything to get Even to himself. But he knew they couldn’t. The night was still early and they had a party and people to hang with. – I want you so much right now, Even. But it’s just not possible, is it?

– Oh God, Isak… Even sighed. He seemed to get it, though. He gave Isak a quick peck on the cheek and stepped back. – You’re right. We should get going.

 _Fuck_. A part of Isak had hoped that Even would have protested more. They could have headed home, maybe. It was only a pregame, after all. Still, they had to be sensible. Isak let out a frustrated groan and pulled his snapback off so he could shove his hand through his hair. – Right. You’re not getting away afterwards, though.

Even laughed, still with heat in his eyes. – I don’t intend to. So, do we have a date after the party?

Isak grinned. – We sure do.

##    
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (runs and hides... yeah... the good stuff will have to wait until the next chapter.......)


	9. Cuddle Up a Little Closer

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yay! This is the final chapter! This nine-month long wip finally comes to an end! It somehow fits that it is today, on October 2nd. And I just wanna thank all of you who have kept reading this. And thank you to my lovely beta readers, especially @evakuality who guided me through this chapter, but also @arindwell and @coolauntskam! You've been so helpful!
> 
> In this chapter, some loose ends get tied up. Isak and Even know they love each other but they still have things to figure out. There is a party. In fact, this fic sort of ends where season 3 of Skam begins, at Eva's party. I hope you like it. 
> 
> I should mention that I have written an epilogue, too. Just a little October 2nd bonus.

_ Kos = enjoying something + cuddling and snuggling. Kosegruppa = cuddle group/ enjoyment group. _

  
  


##  **Even: Now you’re just being evil**

– Are you okay? Even asked Isak. He was standing next to Isak at the tram stop, and they were ready for Eva’s party. All their friends were going to be there. Even knew he should look forward to it, but he was worried. 

Isak was so quiet. They had had some good times today, and everything was okay at Sana’s house. There was no reason that Isak should be quiet like this. He had been quiet all day, really. What was wrong?

Isak avoided his eyes, and when he confirmed that something maybe was off, Even felt horrible. – So is it about me?  he asked, with a lump in this throat threatening to turn into tears. – Have I done something wrong, or?

– No? Isak said. He looked horrified. – You didn’t do anything, Even.

He grabbed Even’s hands. His beautiful green eyes locked into his. – I… I just. This is so new, and… everything has happened so quickly...

_ Damn _ . So quickly? Did Isak want to end it  _ already _ ? Even swallowed. How could he have misread the signals like that?

Isak must have seen the reaction in his eyes because he grabbed Even’s cheeks. – No, not like that, Even. I just...

Isak kissed Even again and his hand settled to Even’s hip and pulled him closer. Even inhaled sharply. Even was against Isak’s warm chest.  _ Okay, so not like that, then _ , Even concluded with a relieved sigh. He didn’t know what was going on with Isak, but he wasn’t breaking up with him, at least.

They kissed and kissed and kissed until Even was dizzy. However, in the end Isak pulled back and muttered that they should get going to the party. 

Even didn’t agree. He rubbed the back of his neck. – Ugh, please not yet, he said. He felt like they needed to talk about this. And maybe kiss some more.  _ Definitely kiss some more. _

Isak got serious then, as he locked eyes with Even. He said that they’d had a amazing time, and Even couldn’t agree more. He kept Isak’s gaze; waiting. Isak had this nervous but determined look on his face; it felt like Isak was making a statement.  _ This was it _ , Eve suddenly realized.  _ This  _ was Isak finally saying what had bugged him all day.  

–  There's no way I'm going to forget that or stop myself from wanting more, Isak said. – And I know I want more. I love you, Even.

And it was as if Even’s brain didn’t quite function. His heart reacted though, it raced so fast and so loud that he almost couldn’t hear his own words.  – What are you saying?

Isak said that he wanted to try it for real.  _ I love you _ , he’d said.  _ For real!  _ And Even knew that there was no way back. His hands shivered. 

– I love you, too. 

Of course he did. It felt like he always had. 

Even pressed his lips against Isak’s, felt his body loosen and arms touch his shoulders. The kiss quickly grew passionate and wild, and heat spread through Even’s body. Isak’s lips and tongue were so warm and his arms so strong around him. Even moaned into the kiss and pressed closer to Isak. Fuck, he wanted Isak so bad. 

When they eventually released each others lips, he tried to pull himself together. It just wasn’t easy. Even wanted Isak to himself, and Isak seemed just as affected. 

– Fuck, he swore, and Even couldn’t help himself, he had to tease Isak a little, telling him that he was up for fucking, too. It was no lie. He wanted Isak so much that he was rock hard.  

Still. They had to get going to the party. They both knew it.

– You’re not getting away afterwards though, Isak said.

Even laughed. – I don’t intend to. So, do we have a date after the party?

Isak grinned. – We sure do.

They picked up the fiksing chairs and got going. Even was still lightheaded but the walk over to Eva’s house was just long enough to let the worst fire calm down. 

– So, do you think we can manage to behave tonight? Isak teased as they approached the front door. He rang the doorbell and sent Even a long look from the side. He was smiling a small smile that sent a shiver through Even.

Even released his breath and smiled back. – Oh, cut it out, he said, letting his voice drop deeper, – you’re only trying to torment me. To get me hot and bothered.

Isak blushed, but he laughed a throaty laugh and held Even’s gaze. – Is it working?

_ Fuck _ . Even felt his cheeks heat up. It was silly, and he didn’t want to admit it, but it was. It was working. But then the door swung open and Even didn’t have the time to answer.

Eva welcomed Isak and Even with big hugs. – Hi, guys! she beamed. – So good to see you! You’re the first ones here, but the others are coming soon. Could you just place the chairs in the living room?

They did as she asked and put their beers in the fridge. Even took his chance to tickle Isak a little. Even felt good. Okay, he was maybe still a little bit out of breath and sexually frustrated after the encounter with Isak at the tram stop, but apart from that, he was great. 

Isak seemed great too. Happy. He opened his first beer as the doorbell rang, and they went to see who it was. Vilde and Chris entered, and both seemed to be in a party mood. There was another round of hugs.

– Hi, Even! How cool to see you! Vilde said. – Now I’m excited to see that video of yours, we can watch that, right?

– We have to see it, Chris added.

– Yeah, right, Even said, a little overwhelmed. 

– Come in and make yourself comfortable, Eva said to the girls. Vilde and Chris hugged her and entered the living room. – Do you need glasses for the wine, maybe? 

Even didn’t hear their answers. The doorbell rang again, and since he had ended up at the door, he greeted Jonas, Magnus and Mahdi as they entered. 

– Welcome, guys! he said. 

– Halla! Magnus said and gave Even a big bear hug. Even met Isak’s eyes over Magnus shoulder. Isak smiled widely like he enjoyed what he saw.

– You’re aware that Even is Isak’s boyfriend, right? Jonas asked, as he kicked off his shoes.

Magnus scoffed. – I’m just giving Even a hug, bro! What’s wrong with that?

– Yeah, isn’t it macho enough, maybe? Eva said from the door to the living room. She leaned to the doorway and looked straight at Jonas. – Why do guys always have to do these awkward one-armed things, anyway?

Jonas looked at her. His cheeks were slightly pink. – It’s bro-hugs! he protested. He gave Even one to demonstrate. – They’re cool!

He must have heard how silly he sounded, because he laughed a little.

Even laughed, too. – I’ll have to agree with Magnus on this one, he said. – The bro hugs are okay, but big fuzzy bear hugs are better.

Isak grinned. – Yeah, seriously, why you gotta arm wrestle and hit your dude?  he asked and winked to Even. – What’s wrong with a two arm hug?

– Hah, says who, Jonas scoffed. – You hug like that as well. You just did!

Isak put his chin out and raised an eyebrow. – Well, it’s just what the society teaches bros to do, isn’t it?

Even studied Isak’s face. There was a teasing look in his eyes and his smile. Even was relieved to see that the quiet Isak from earlier was gone and Isak was himself again. 

The boys were laughing, but Jonas looked a little taken aback. Then he smiled. – Right, right, he said. – But what’s a better way to greet each other? Handshaking? Those silly kisses in the air?

It was Mahdi’s turn to laugh. – Oh, the kisses are  _ awkward _ . My aunt lives in France and every time we meet it’s like, oh, look a new angle, hm, which one? And like one kiss, two kisses, oh, there is another kiss, are there more? Well, I'll keep going then. Awkward.

Isak joined him laughing. Even kissed his cheek, and Isak melted into him. It hit him; it didn’t seem like it bothered Isak at all that the others saw him like this. Not anymore. 

The thought made Even glad.

–  I think I prefer bear hugs, Isak said. – I suppose they can get awkward too, but not as much.

– Yeah! I say, break the masculine awkward half-hug! Eva said. – Let guys hug as well, let them put their heads on other boys' shoulders!

– Yass! Magnus cheered. – What she said!

Jonas laughed, and nodded. – Can’t argue with that, he said. He gave Isak a quick look. – Hugs are best.

Isak just smiled.

Even got a distinct feeling that Jonas had something he wanted tell Isak, but he didn’t say anything. 

The boys put their six packs of beers in the fridge and then they picked a can each and went into the living room. Even picked a beer, too, followed them and found a place in the sofa close to Isak. He relaxed and looked around. 

Eva’s pregame was great already. Everyone was talking and having a good time. Even was feeling great, too. And suddenly he felt strangely emotional. It was as if the talk from earlier hit him, a little too late. 

_ Isak loved him. They loved each other. _ There were no doubts anymore and no more secrets, the two of them were for real. And here they were, surrounded with their friends. It was pretty awesome. 

He took Isak’s hand in his, it felt as if he needed the touch to keep himself grounded.

Isak looked him in the eyes. – Are you good? he asked, smiling a little. 

Even kept his gaze. – Yeah, it’s really good. 

Just as he said that, the doorbell rang again, and Sana came into the living room with the boys on her heels.  _ Even’s boys _ . It made him even more emotional to see them all. He had thought he might feel embarrassed but he didn’t at all. He got up and hugged them and introduced them all to each other. 

Sana and the boys settled down and for a moment Even just wanted to sit back next to Isak and enjoy the chatter around him. He was a little buzzed by the beer and pleased to see that his old friends mixed well with his new ones. Yousef seemed to be in a deep conversation with Jonas and Sana. Even imagined it was politics, or music. It was hard to tell. Mutta, Chris, Mikael and Magnus were laughing and singing some song. Adam was talking to Eva. Mahdi chatted to Isak. And Isak… Isak was holding Even’s hand. Grounding him.

Even liked that they all seemed to work so well together. He wanted that, he wanted his old and new life to come together. He released a long breath and smiled. It seemed like most things had fallen into place.

– Having fun? Isak whispered in his ear.

And, oh. There that feeling was back. Even’s belly tightened as he felt a sudden urge to pull Isak closer and kiss him again. How was it possible that Isak made him feel like this  _ all the time _ ?

– Even? Isak prompted with an amused smile. – You okay?

– Oh...yeah. Yes, everything is alright, Even said, as he tried to tear his eyes off Isak’s tempting lips. He noticed a couple of curious glances from the others and he could feel the heat traveling up his neck and onto his face.  _ Shit! _

– Is there something you want? Isak whispered, and his eyes were shining. _ That fucker. _

– Now you’re just being evil, Even muttered.

Isak laughed a throaty laugh. His cheeks were pink. Even hoped that it meant Isak was affected, too. 

– We’re supposed to keep it together, remember? Even whispered.

– Yeah, I know, Isak sighed. But when he stretched in front of Even to put down his beer, Even almost groaned at the instant need that slammed into him. Isak smelt divine. He knew he had to withdraw a little before he disgraced himself. With a choked sound he sat back in the sofa and looked over at Isak. – Maybe we should mingle with the others a little?

With a chuckle, Isak raised his hands with both palms out in a gesture of peace. – Mm, yeah. Sorry if I'm bugging you, he said and stood up. – I need another beer, so. I'll get out of your hair for a moment.

Even watched him disappear and held back a frustrated groan. A small smile tugged at his mouth, though. Frustrating or not, it was good to see Isak like this. Relaxed and teasing. It was kinda sexy, actually.

_ Fuck _ , he needed to get his mind on something else. 

 

##  **Isak: I’ll never escape the cuddling, will I?**

 

Isak felt a pleasant buzz as he got up from the sofa to find another beer. Actually, he felt awesome. He had told Even how he felt, they were teasing each other and having fun and now they were surrounded by their friends. And they had beer. 

Life was good.

As he reached the kitchen counter, Eva pulled him aside. – Can you give me a hand? she asked.

– Yeah, sure, Isak said and followed her.  

– Can you give me those bowls? Eva asked and pointed at the cupboard. – And give me some benefit of those freakishly long limbs of yours?

– Shut up, I’m not that tall, Isak protested. He stretched up and found the bowls for her. The open floor plan made Isak a little aware that Even might be looking at him from the living room. Isak turned around and looked over his shoulder, and  _ yes _ , there he was. Even was chatting to Chris, but his eyes were on Isak. Isak smiled at him.

Eva pulled out some bags of crisps that she poured into the bowls. She noticed his gaze. – So… You and Even, ey? she asked.

Isak blushed. He still didn’t quite know how to act around Even publicly, or how to talk about him, but he tried his best. – Uh, yeah. I guess.

– Well, you look damn good together, Eva smiled. She looked happy for him. – Congratulations.

– Thank you.

Eva’s smile turned melancholy. – It’s good to see you, Isak, she said. – I kinda miss you .It feels like ages ago that we talked for real. 

Isak nodded. – I know, he said, thinking  _ well, there’s a reason for that _ . He took a deep breath. – I just want to say that I’m sorry for what I did last year… when I broke you up.

– No, Isak, Eva protested. – You don’t have to. It wasn’t your fault. Well, not entirely, anyway.

– It was still a shitty thing to do.

Eva shifted on her feet. – Yeah, well. It means a lot that you’re sorry, but you weren’t the only one acting shitty. I did, too, you know. I’m sorry.

– Yeah, well, that’s a long time ago now, Isak said. He didn’t want to think about what happened before.

Eva raised her eyebrows. – Not that long. It’s less than a year ago.

Isak was stunned. It felt like  _ ages _ ago. – Uhm yeah. Okay, then. I just… I get that you were hurt, too. So. We’re good, then? 

– Yeah, Eva said. The hug that she gave him was warm. Just like their old hugs. – By the way I still mean it, she said, and he could hear the smile in her voice. – You give the best hugs.

Isak laughed a little. Then he paused and looked closer at her. – So… How are  _ you  _ doing?

Eva shrugged and smiled. – Great, I guess? I’m figuring out what I want.

– Sounds good, Isak nodded. He had noticed that Eva had changed a little as she got new friends..  –  I’ve seen you with… uh, Penetrator Chris, so… are you two a couple now, or?

Eva raised an eyebrow. – Just  _ Chris  _ works fine, you know. Or Christoffer.

– Sorry. Yeah. Just a bad habit, Isak muttered. – But are you?

– Nah, Eva smiled. – We’re just friends, having a good time. No strings! To be honest I don’t know what I want. Sometimes I feel like things ended so quickly with Jonas that we didn’t get to end it properly, you know?

Isak winced, but didn’t say anything. 

Eva gave him a long look, like she was thinking about something. – Don’t worry. I just miss our friendship sometimes, I suppose. Jonas was a really good friend. That’s probably it. And again, it’s not your fault! It’s up to Jonas and me to figure out this shit. Or not.

Isak stared at her. – Do you still have feelings for him?

Eva shrugged. – He was my first love. So yeah. But I didn’t always like who we were together. So I don’t know. I guess I would like to know If it could work out, now that we’re not the same anymore, you know?

– Yeah, Isak said. He could sort of see what Eva meant. Jonas had become a little bit more caring and observant of others lately and Eva had become a lot more independant. Maybe that was a good thing. – I hope you figure it out, he said.

– Figure out what? 

Jonas’ voice almost gave Isak a heart attack, and Eva looked pale. – Uh, nothing, Eva muttered. – Uhm. I should take these.

– What? Jonas asked as he watched her carry the crisps into the living room. 

Isak picked another bowl, grabbed a beer from the fridge and was ready to follow Eva. – Uhm, just, nothing much, he said to Jonas. 

He didn’t get far before Jonas got in his way. – Yo. Isak. I just… How is everything? he asked.

Isak saw the almost worried look in his face and stopped. Took a deep breath. – Good, Isak smiled. – Very good.

It was true. He had Even and he was surrounded by friends, so of course he was good. Well, he was kinda dizzy – he had talked more about feelings today than he had done in a year. It was a little much. Still, everything was fine.

Jonas nodded. He looked like he had something on his mind, but didn’t know how to say it. – Great, he said. Then he grew silent. 

They stood in silence for a moment. It struck Isak that he had grown taller than Jonas at some point, and he didn’t know when that happened. It gave him a bittersweet feeling.

Things had changed. But that didn’t have to be a bad thing.

In the end Isak got tired of waiting. – So how are things with you, then? he asked, with the talk to Eva in the back of his mind.

Jonas shrugged and smiled a little. – Alright, I suppose.

Isak put the bowl down on the kitchen counter. That “I suppose” meant that he should listen. He looked closer at Jonas. – Okay. So. No new love interest or anything?

– Nah, Jonas shrugged. He looked into the living room.

Isak bit the inside of his cheek, and tried his best to seem casual. – What about Eva? he asked in a low voice.

Jonas came with a strange sound and stared at Isak, raising his eyebrows. – What the fuck, Isak? Why are you asking? he whispered, taking a swing of his beer. – She’s over me, remember. She’s with this P Chris all the time.

Isak nodded. He didn’t know why he was doing this. Maybe he was just trying to be a good friend, or maybe he was trying to make something he had fucked up better. It was probably some sort of misplaced care. Still, he had to try. – Right, yeah. So are you over her, too?

Jonas looked like he thought about it. – I don’t know, man. To be honest I struggle to forget her. And I feel like we both have changed since we were together, and I do sometimes wonder if we could make it work. It’s stupid, though. She has moved on.

Isak lifted an eyebrow. – Bro, I thought you had more guts than that.

Jonas laughed. – Don’t.

– What?

– Just don’t. It’s no use, Isak.

Isak didn’t comment that. – Well, he said. – I hope you both figure out what you want, anyway.

Jonas smiled. – Thanks.

– And you can pick up your friendship, you know. 

Jonas nodded. – Yeah. That’s true. So. Cheers to friendship, then. 

– To friendship. 

They were just cheering with their beers when Isak’s phone pinged. His heart beat faster as he opened the message from his dad. 

_ I wish you could answer my calls, Isak, but I am happy for you if you have a boyfriend. Maybe we could eat dinner together soon? _

Isak stared at the text and blinked. He didn’t quite know how to take the message, but it wasn’t too bad. In the end he decided to send a short “ok” and put the phone in his pocket.

When Jonas sent Isak a questioning look, Isak shrugged. – I told mom and dad that I have a boyfriend, he said. 

Jonas smiled. – Wow. 

– Yeah. 

– Did it go well? 

– Well, at least dad answered me, Isak shrugged. 

Jonas nodded. He looked like he wanted to say something again, but then they heard cheers from the living room and they went to join the others. Even had moved over to talk to Sana, so Isak sat down next to Vilde and Eva. 

The pregame seemed to be a hit already. Even’s old crew seemed to hit it off with Jonas and the others at once. And the girls were charmed, too. There was a lot of talking, laughing and getting to knowing each other going on. Eva and girl-Chris were dancing a lot. Vilde was on Isak’s case all evening to entice him with the idea of joining a Kosegruppa thing; he didn't listen at first. But then it hit him. He had a lot to thank Vilde for. The app. Even. He didn’t mind doing stuff with others as much as he used to.

By the way, what other plans did he have? Working with the cuddles had become a drag. Hell, apart from Even, his his whole life was a drag. He had immersed himself in school and work. Netflix and games. Maybe the Kosegruppa thing could be a nice change?

– Yes, okay, he said in the end. – I’ll join kosegruppa, Vilde.

– You will? Vilde looked shocked. – That’s so cool. I have so many plans for how to make that cuddle group even cuddlier.

– I’ll never escape the cuddling, will I? Isak laughed, groaning.  

He noticed that Eva was watching him. – You're actually a good guy, she said softly, and just so quietly that he was the only one that could hear her. And when Isak didn’t know what to say, she grinned. – And kind of cute at times. I see why Even loves you. You know he does right?

Isak blushed. He actually blushed. – Yeah, I suppose so. 

He was met with a long ‘ooooh` from both the girls, and had to chuckle a little. 

– And you love him, too? Vilde asked.

Isak caught the sight of Even in the other end of the room. Even laughed at something Sana said, and he lit up the whole room like he always did. He met Isak’s gaze mid-laugh and his smile grew softer.  _ Fuck _ , Isak loved him so much. He smiled back. – Maybe I do, he whispered. – Yeah.

– Well, I'm happy Even has you, Eva said and surprised him with another hug. Her embrace was warm, and her arms strong around him. Isak squeezed her back. 

– I’m happy, too, Vilde said, a little too loudly and hugged him as well. 

It was starting to become a little too much. Isak stretched his legs and got up. He needed Even. – I gotta… he said, without finishing. The girls didn’t seem to mind. 

He got over to the other side of the room and pulled Even aside. – Hi, he said. 

– Hi, Even smiled as Isak eased next to him. – Are you okay? 

– Yeah, sure, Isak said. – I just needed to chill a little. 

Even smiled. – Sounds good, he said and dragged Isak with him to a free spot in the sofa. – Come on, let’s sit down for a little while.

They plopped down next to each other, and Even pulled him closer. – Hi, he said, again, and gave Isak a quick kiss. 

– Hi, Isak replied. He sighed out a half laugh. – So. I don’t know what I just did, but I said yes to join Kosegruppa.

– Oh damn, Even chuckled. – You’re growing softer. 

– Yeah, probably, Isak smiled. He leaned his head on Even’s shoulder. – So how are you doing?

– I'm good, Even said, and Isak could hear the vibrations from his voice.  – I chatted a little with Sana and the boys. It’s nice. Nothing much has happened.

_ Right _ . Nothing much. Isak felt a little overwhelmed already, and the party hadn't really started yet.

Even leaned back and looked closer at him, like he sensed something.  – You still look like you have something on your mind?

– Well , dad answered my text. 

Even kept his eyes on him.  – Was it okay?

– Yeah, Isak shrugged.  –  It was fair enough. Now I only have to wait for mom. 

Even pulled Isak closer.  – It’s gonna be okay, he muttered. 

– Yeah, Isak answered. He couldn't allow himself to think about it too much. They were at a party, after all. 

He leaned back in the sofa and watched Eva who was sort of dancing around Jonas.

–  I’ve been talking to both Jonas and Eva, Isak commented. – It was interesting. But good, I guess. 

Even’s smile was wide. – Yeah?

– Yeah, Isak nodded. It was starting to feel like he was getting Jonas and Eva back as friends, and that was definitely a positive thing.

– Well, that’s great. Talking is good, Even commented.

– Well, I feel like I’ve talked more than necessary in a lifetime to be honest.

Even chuckled. – They’re okay, right?

– Yeah, Isak nodded. He let the warmth from Even’s body ease into him and felt how he relaxed more and more. – I wonder if Jonas and Eva aren’t quite finished with each other, actually.

– Yeah? Even said, looking amused. – I shouldn’t say I told you so but I kinda did. I told you so! 

Isak chuckled. – Yeah, fuck, it’s hard to tell if it’s a good thing or not. Maybe they just need closure. I have no idea. But it makes me want to get them to  _ talk _ .

Even’s eyes narrowed a little. – Huh. So. This isn’t you just wanting to fix things, then? Make amends or something?

Isak shrugged. – No. Or I don’t know. Maybe. I don’t really want to meddle. But I’m a little curious about it, I gotta admit that. Jonas and Eva were and are my closest friends. It looked like they had something special, I don’t know.

– You’re definitely growing softer.

Isak laughed. – Yeah. 

Even leaned back in the sofa and his eyes went to Jonas. Then Eva. He looked thoughtful. – So. What about Chris?

Isak shrugged. – Seems like Eva and Chris are just messing around. That they are fuckbuddies or something. Chris is sort of a fuckboy, you know. 

Even nodded. – I guess I have heard some rumours. Hm, still, it sounds wise not to meddle too much. 

– Yeah, you’re probably right, Isak smiled.

– Yeah.

Even kissed Isak, and it was almost funny how Isak’s brain sort of stopped working at once.

 

##  **Even: I learned from the master himself**

Even was having a great time. He had talked to some of his old buddies, and Sana, and everything was good. So when Isak came over and pulled him aside, it was  _ perfect _ . They managed to make a little quiet moment in the middle of the pregame and Even loved it. 

They talked about their friends, and they chatted, laughed and kissed, and…

Yeah, kissing Isak never became boring. 

Still, they couldn’t get too carried away. 

Just as Even leaned back from a deep kiss, he  met Sana’s gaze over the table. She just grinned. – Hi. Having fun? 

Even blushed. – Hi, yeah. 

– Oh, cut it, Sana, Isak muttered, leaning back on the sofa. 

Sana pretended not to hear him. – Now, can’t you show us that video of yours, Even? she asked, loud and clear. – I really want to see what you’ve been up to!

The others grew silent and looked at them both.

Even met Isak’s eyes. Isak smiled and raised his eyebrows. 

– Oooh, yeah, let us have a look at your documentary! Eva said. – Aren’t you in that, too, Vilde? she asked. 

Vilde nodded, looking proud.

– What is it about? Yousef asked.

– Different service apps, Sana explained. – Like Tinder and apps like that. Isak says it’s really good.

– It is, Isak confirmed.

Even felt hot in his cheeks. – Okay… he said, and tried to seem unaffected as he found the first episode on his phone. – I guess we can look at the first episode. It’s about The Cuddle Snuggle App.

– There’s a cuddle app? Adam asked. – That’s a thing? I can use an app to meet someone to cuddle with? Wow, I didn’t know. 

– Yeah, it is, Even confirmed. – There are several apps, actually. I decided to test one out and... that was how I met Isak, actually.

The room was filled with cheers and whistles.

– Oh fuck, Isak laughed, a little red in his cheeks. – Are we going to see the first episode? That’s not awkward  _ at all. _

– Well if I have to be awkward, you can be awkward with me, Even teased, grinning. – By the way, Vilde is in it, too. You’re not totally alone in this.

Isak shrugged and smiled, and Even knew that he didn’t take it too hard. He looked like he was proud, actually.

Eva helped him set it up the film so they could watch it on the TV in the living room.

As usual, Even’s old gang were loud as they settled in the couch. They all were. But when the film started, they all became silent.

Even snuggled close to Isak in the sofa and found strength in the feeling of his body. Isak  definitely seemed more relaxed than earlier. Even hoped that it meant that Isak knew that he and Even were for real, now.

Even knew his mind was kind of reeling, but there was a reason. He was so nervous about showing his documentary that he couldn’t hold a single thought in his head. He almost didn’t dare to watch the film, but watched the reactions of the others instead.

He remembered most of what happened, anyway.

His intro was short, but personal. With images of phone screens, he started out talking about technological service apps and his curiosity with them. Then he was sitting in his room, sharing how he had been having a rough time and that he wondered if the apps could give him a way out of it.

The group quietened down as he spoke on the screen. Yousef gave his shoulder a squeeze. – This is good, Even, he said.

But then the others shushed him.

– Sometimes it’s easier to talk to a stranger than to talk to someone you know, Even on the TV said. – So I wondered if contacting someone online would be even better!

Isak squeezed his knee. – I like it, he whispered, and Even felt relieved. Isak hadn't seen that intro before, and it meant a lot that he liked it..

Since they were watching the first episode, they got to see everything about the cuddle app and Isak. It hit Even a little too late that it was pretty revealing. It was almost embarrassing to see how much he crushed on Isak, and he got some winks and hoots from the group. They both did. Isak made sure to tell them all to fuck off. Even mostly just laughed.

Vilde seemed pleased with how he had edited her interview, too; she smiled at him and cheered with the others. Even was glad he chose to interview her, it gave the episode something more with two interviews. 

In the end of the episode, Even concluded that the cuddle app was something that might not become big as dating apps, but that he still saw that there was a need for it. He talked about all the questions he still had about technology and people, and he promoted the next episode, that was about grandparents apps.

Everybody cheered as the film ended, and Even blushed. A least he survived showing it. Their friends didn’t seem to hate it.

– This is really good, Even! Elias said. – I mean, I see you could use our help with editing, obviously, he added, laughing, – but this is great!

Even laughed. He met Isak’s eyes for a moment. Isak looked proud, so proud he almost glowed. 

– Uhm, thanks, Even said.

– No, but seriously, Elias continued. – You need to show this to people. Right, guys?

– Yeah, definitely, Mikael said. – It shows that you have worked hard on it. By the way, I love the way you played with the settings. And the music was on point, damn!

– Yeah, I didn’t know you had it in you, Adam said.

– It was so good, Eva said.

– Better than a lot of things I’ve seen lately, Jonas agreed.

It was almost funny how all of them praised the video. Even had to raise his hands. – Yeah, I hear you. You love it. Thank you! It means a lot. 

– I hope you’re listening, Sana said, punching him in the shoulder.

Even smiled a small smile. – Thanks. It really means a lot that you like it, guys, he said, and swallowed. – So, do you think I could send it in somewhere?

– Oh yes! Eva nearly shouted. – You should do that.

– Maybe you even could earn some money, Magnus said. 

– Or if not, at least some glory? Adam shot in. 

Even nodded to himself. He knew they wouldn’t lie to him about this. Maybe he should try this. Maybe this was his chance.

People started to chat again and someone put on some music. Even just sat there, feeling relieved and a little lost.

– I told you, Isak said, grinning. – Do it.

Even smiled. Isak’s smile always made him feel so soft and mushy. He cocked his head to the side. – Well, we do have a deal, I suppose, he said. – I’ll do it.

– Yay!

As they got up from the couch, some to find drinks, and some to party on, Mikael pulled Even aside. He looked jittery, and a little pale. – Can we talk? he asked.

– Sure, Even nodded, feeling awkward but also relieved. Finally. He had been waiting for this talk for a long time. It was about time they did it.

He shared a glance with Isak and Isak shrugged and smiled, as if to say that it was okay. Even got up and he and Mikael went into the hallway, that was empty at the moment.

Mikael leaned against the wall. There was a silent moment between them for a moment, and Even was surprised that he suddenly felt calmer. He and Mikael had been friends for a long time. They had spent so much time together. No matter what happened, he believed that he could find this calm with Mikael. 

Also when things were difficult, like right now. He was nervous, almost so nervous that he was nauseous, but he still felt at ease, too, or at least like he was in a familiar setting. 

Mikael used quite some time to find his words. 

– I guess it’s about time we talk, Even said in the end.

Mikael nodded. – I just… I guess that I wanted to say that it’s good to see you again. And… I’m glad that you’re doing good. With your project and Isak and everything.

– Thanks Even said, smiling. – I am. I am really good right now. 

– Good, Mikael said. He took a deep breath, like he was digging for courage somewhere deep down. – You know, I  _ was  _ scared for you. I was scared shitless that we would lose you.

Even had to shut his eyes for a beat. The guilt almost drowned him. – I know. Fuck.  I’m so sorry, Mikael.

Mikael was silent for a moment. – Yeah. I guess the worst part was that we didn’t know shit. You were sick or something, right? Depressed?

Even was a little surprised that Elias hadn’t told him more. But maybe Elias had wanted to tell things himself. 

– Yeah. You see, I have bipolar disorder.  And back when everything kinda went to Hell I had an episode. I was manic. I know it doesn’t make sense…

Mikael huffed a laugh, and right then Even was startled over how much he looked like Isak. 

– I guess these things seldom do, Mikael said. – Just… You didn’t need to disappear or… shut us out. 

Even nodded. This was where things started to get tricky. How could he explain this? 

– I didn’t mean to shut you out, I promise. After everything that happened and after I fucked up I thought that you all would be better off without me.

– Fuck.

– Yeah. It’s not my proudest moment.

– Fucking hell, Even. You almost died. I thought that it was my fault or something.

Even’s breath hitched. – Oh, god, Mikael, I’m so sorry. I didn’t… I was the one fucking up everything. It wasn’t your fault at all. And, uhm, I’m sorry what happened before that, too. With the kiss and everything.

Mikael shook his head. – No, I’m sorry, Even.  _ We  _ kissed. And I just freaked out. 

Even swallowed. – It’s okay, you know, he said. – I know that you weren’t attracted to me like that and I shouldn’t have…

Mikael’s eyes were wide. – But that’s the case, Even. You can’t know that. Because I didn’t know  _ at all _ . I struggled a lot to figure out who I was back then. I didn’t know who I was attracted to and I didn’t even know who I was. What I was.

Even stared at Mikael. This was new to him. It kinda made sense, but it was still new. – So, have you figured it out?

– I don’t know. Maybe not yet. But I’m getting there. And I’m trying to find a way to make it fit into my beliefs and everything.

A warm feeling of relief and love went through Even. – Wow, that’s great, Mikael.

– Yeah, Mikael said, smiling a slow smile. He breathed out. – It is. 

They smiled at each other. 

– So, then. Everything is good now, yeah? Mikael asked. – Can we go back to hanging around talking shit and stuff now? 

– Yeah, Even laughed. – That sounds good. 

Mikael nodded. Then he pointed at Even. – And you! You have a boyfriend! That’s news! How does it feel?

Even grinned. – It’s great. I can hardly believe it, to be honest.

– It’s cool. I mean it, you know. It’s good to see that you’re happy. 

They shared another smile. Even relaxed a little. Maybe this could work. Maybe they all could get over what happened. Maybe they could become friends again. He would really love that.

– Hug? he asked. 

– Bro, yes. Mikael smiled. – Come here.

They hugged and it felt like a year of pain melted off Even. He really believed that things could get better now.

They went to join the others, and Even noticed that the house was quickly filling up with more guests. Sana told Yousef and Even to stand guard at the door.

– Nobody would start a fight with you two, she said, and Even had no idea if it was a compliment or not. 

So they stood guard, and it was all going fine. Isak joined them, for a moment, and they chatted about this and that as they told people that the place was full.  

When a pretty looking guy showed up, something rung in the back of Even’s mind and he eyed the guy. 

– What’s your name? he asked. 

– I’m Chris. Fuck, you know me, I’m in your parallel class! Ask him, he said, at pointed at Isak. – He knows me.

Isak greeted Chris. – Hi. he said. – Something blinked in his eyes. – You’re a little late. It’s pretty full here. 

Chris looked unimpressed. – Late? Eva wants me here.

Even stared at Isak, trying to tell him to stay out of it without saying a word. This Chris was maybe a douche, but something told him that meddling was a bad idea.

Isak sighed. – Fuck it, come inside, bro.  

As Chris entered the living room, Isak drew closer to Even. – I just couldn’t shut him out, he said, and shrugged. 

– What’s the deal? Yousef asked, curious.

– Ugh, I just wanted to meddle, I guess, Isak sighed. – I think Eva and Jonas should have another shot. God knows if they are meant for each other. Maybe not. Anyway, I guess it was wrong. 

– Yeah, I think you did the right choice, Even smiled. – They’ll figure stuff out by themselves.

– Yeah, Isak said. – Chris isn’t just an asshole, you know. He was pretty cool when I struggled with that Yakuza fight. Who am I to know if he’s good for Eva or not?

He was interrupted by Chris storming past them, on his way out. 

– Hey, what’s wrong? Isak asked. 

– Fuck, Eva seems to have other plans, Chris muttered, and left as he flipped them his finger. 

Even was confused. What was going on? He walked back into the living room, where he saw Jonas and Eva, dancing a slow dance together. 

_ Oh. Right. _

Isak had followed him, and they exchanged glances. 

– Doesn’t seem like we had to meddle at all, Isak said. 

– Nope, Even smiled. 

Then they laughed. – I bet that they get back together, Even said. 

– You’re such a romantic sap, Isak said, shaking his head. Even could see that he thought the same, though.

So Even just shrugged and smiled. 

The party started to take off after that. There was beer, dancing and laughing. And there was smoking weed in the bathtub. Even sat in the tub with Isak and Jonas. Around them sat Magnus, Mikael and Mahdi, too. Jonas and Mahdi did most of the smoking, but they all had a taste. Even told himself that it was fine, as long as he didn’t smoke too much.

They were all having a pretty good time. Isak seemed dizzy, but in a good mood. Even felt better than he had felt in a long time. Everything was pretty smooth.

Isak tried to tease Jonas about Eva, but Jonas brushed it all away. – We just danced, Jonas said, with a distant voice. – Eva is busy elsewhere.

– Well, that Chris guy isn’t here anymore, Even said. – If it’s him you’re thinking of. 

Jonas shrugged, but he was a little red in his cheeks. Even noticed that he looked at Isak again, with that same look that he had earlier. 

Oh. Jonas had something else on his mind. Even became curious. 

– I don’t mind regular hugs, you know, Jonas suddenly said. 

Isak laughed, he was probably feeling high and giggly. Even had to chuckle, too. 

– I know, bro, Isak said. 

Jonas released a slow breath. Then he turned to his right and met Isak’s eyes. – I just… I guess I wanted to say sorry, he said, and winced a little, as if it wasn’t exactly how he had planned to do this.

Isak stared at him. – Sorry? he asked.

Even was confused, too. 

– Yeah, Jonas nodded. He looked awkward. – I wish that we, that I, made it easier for you to, like… talk to us and shit.

– Yeah, bro, Magnus joined him. 

– Same, Mahdi nodded. He patted Isak’s shoulder.

– And this is not just the weed talking, Jonas pointed out. – I mean it. 

_ Wow _ . Even squeezed Isak’s knee. He could see how Isak stilled and had to swallow. 

– Uh… thanks, guys? he said. It was as if something loosened up in his shoulders. A small smile showed up on his face. – It means a lot.

Jonas nodded. – Good.

It got quiet for a beat.

– Shit, this got serious, Magnus said, and they all laughed.

– Fuck, yeah, Jonas said. – This calls for real hugs, he continued, with a tiny smile lurking around his mouth. – No bro hugs.

Isak laughed. – True, he said, and pulled Jonas into a warm hug. 

Magnus attacked them both in a big hug and then they were all hugging and laughing. 

It was pretty awesome. 

The weed had made Even a little needy, though. He wanted Isak. Now. 

He pulled Isak with him, out of the bathtub and out of the bathroom. – We have things to do, he said. – See you later, guys. 

– Yeah, yeah, Jonas said, as Isak and Even left them and found a corner in the hallway. 

– So, I’m starting to get tired, Even said. – Do you think it’s okay if we leave soon?

– Tired, huh? Isak smiled. His head was angled slightly to the side as his lips came closer and closer to Even’s. – Yeah. I think it’s okay that I take your tired ass home. 

Even’s lips were parted and their breaths mingled. Even’s heart fluttered inside his chest. At first, it was a delicate butterfly of a kiss. Then Isak’s arms encircled him. Even drew Isak to him so the could trap him in his arms. – Let’s go home, then, he said.

– Yeah. 

– Your place? Even breathed.

Isak nodded. – Yeah, I think that’s closer.

Right now, Even couldn’t think. Isak’s place could be closer or not, he had no idea. He just wanted Isak to himself. As soon as possible. Luckily, it seemed like Isak agreed.

When they first decided, it didn’t take them long to get out of Eva’s house and hurry home to Isak’s place.

They entered Kollektivet, and the flat was silent. Thank God. Exhausted, Even stepped out of his shoes, and followed Isak to the bathroom. They brushed their teeth quickly and stepped out of their jeans, and went to Isak’s room. Then they climbed into the bed. The fluffy duvet felt heavy and secure wrapped around Even.

– What a night, Isak whispered, as he pulled Even close. He was snuggled up against Even’s warm back, with his left arm over Even’s waist.

– I know, Even whispered back.

He felt Isak's warm arm around him, his head snuggled next to his. His other arm touched a strand of Even’s hair.

Even turned around and opened his eyes to see Isak smiling at him.

– Hi, he said.

– Hi, Even said back.

_ Fuck _ , Isak looked so good like this. He felt so good, too. Even couldn’t believe that he was allowed to have this.

– So… are you good? Isak asked, sending him this  _ look _ that made Even into jelly.

– Yeah, Even muttered. – It’s good to have you to myself. 

– Mm… Isak reached both of his arms around Even’s back as if he was going to scoop Even off the bed. Isak’s right knee swung over and pushed between Even’s to meet the bed and he hugged Even tightly. Even let out a contented sigh. The feeling of Isak on top was really good. Anchoring.

It made Even’s dick stir in his boxers, too. He felt his body responding to every move Isak made. Isak hugged him tightly, and Even reached around Isak and did the same, then relaxed and began tracing his fingers all over his back.

Isak let out a low moan, and hearing him moan felt amazing. It was so pure and lovely.

– I’ve been waiting for this since… well since before the party.

It said quite a lot that Isak didn’t bother to tease anymore. There was a desperation behind his slow movements.

– Mm… me too, Even admitted. He kept tracing his fingers all over Isak’s back while Isak let out several small sighs. Isak pushed his body into Even’s, his arms next to Even’s head and his hands pushing up towards the wall. Even could feel warmth spreading from his lower belly.

Isak’s knee was pressing between Even’s inner thighs as he wiggled on top of Even. Even felt how Isak’s thigh pressed into his dick.

Even glanced up at Isak and their eyes met. The emotions Even saw in Isak’s eyes made him gasp. Lust and desire. Something else, something more. Care, maybe?  _ Love?  _ Before Even could ponder about it further, Isak pulled Even to him and covered his mouth with his in a hungry kiss. Even felt like he was floating. It was magic, the way Isak’s lips connected with his. Isak’s mouth was so warm, the caress of his lips so soft and he opened his mouth with a low moan. 

Even felt his entire body catch fire under the warmth as Isak straddled one of his thighs and started to grind his hips down on Even.

_ Oooh.  _ The late-night sleepiness mixed with lust kept any words from escaping Even’s lips. He tugged at Isak’s t-shirt, tracing his fingertips on Isak’s bare lower back. Isak paused to pull his shirt up and over his head.

Isak was so beautiful. His pale skin was like marble. His green stare made Even feel mushy inside. Even reached up to pull Isak into another kiss. Even’s fingers teased Isak’s nipples and Isak let out another moan. Isak jerked around on Even’s thigh, grinding against his hips.

Even shivered as his fingers ran over Isak’s chest and strong arms. He wanted to lose himself and drown in this feeling of being so close. He licked at Isak’s nipples and let his hands slide up to squeeze Isak’s strong upper arms.

Isak lifted his arms to comb his fingers through Even’s hair. 

Sliding one of his hands down a bit, Even let his fingers rake through the jungle of reddish blonde hair that filled Isak’s armpit. It was softer than it looked, and as Even’s fingers worked through the hair the scent of soap and man filled the air.

Even’s cock was hard, and as he ground into Isak's, he moved closer and kissed Isak’s shoulder before letting his tongue slide down into the furry hollow, looking up at Isak for his reaction. He was expecting a weird look, but all he got was a sigh as Isak rocked against him.

Even was dizzy from the warmth and the heady smells. He slowly moved out from under Isak and they faced each other on their sides on the bed. Even pulled Isak tightly to him. He brushed his lips across Isak’s neck and Isak shivered, pulling Even hard against him.

A small smile shivered around Isak’s mouth. – What are we doing?

– Cuddling.

– Cuddling, huh? You’re certain that it’s cuddling we’re doing?

– Yeah. I learned from the master himself.

Isak threw his leg over Even’s so that he could press closer. – You must be right, then, he grinned.

Even needed to make skin to skin contact with Isak, so he pulled his own t-shirt over his head and nestled his chest into Isak’s. It felt so warm and inviting that he almost felt like crying. His dick was throbbing inside his boxers. He needed so much more.

Isak seemed to think the same. He reached his fingers into the waistband of Even’s boxers and tugged downwards. And  _ oh, fuck _ . Even let out a low gasp, but let Isak pull them all the way off, leaving him laying on the bed stark naked.

Isak pulled his own boxers off and straddled Even’s thigh again. He leaned down and kissed Even’s cheek gently, then grabbed his wandering hands and pushed them down into the mattress above his head and they pressed their bodies together tightly. Even shivered. He wanted Isak so badly right now that he couldn't think.

Isak started grinding into Even’s thigh as Even tried grinding back into his from under him, and their breathing became heavy. – Is this okay? Isak asked, looking into Even’s eyes as he pressed against Even’s leg.

Even nodded and met Isak’s movements. He didn’t want to stop.

Isak began running a hand all over Even’s stomach, sending chills all over his body. Isak reached for Even’s dick and began caressing him.

– Oh, yeah, Even whispered as Isak stroked harder. His dick was hard and wet with precum and Isak’s slide was delicious.

Even wanted more. He spread his legs, allowing Isak’s hands better access. Isak met his gaze, saw the wish there and reached down to tease his hole a little before he pushed one finger into Even.

– Ohh, Even gasped.

There was a green need in Isak’s eyes as he fingered Even inside. And still a firm dragging grip around Even’s dick. Isak stroked Even’s dick, pushing his finger in and out of him at the same time. His finger teased his prostate, and it was so much, and so good. Even felt bombarded with sensations and he couldn't help spilling desperate moans. 

Isak stroked and fingered him and kept rubbing his spot, sending sweet sensations through him. Within seconds, Even was starting to tip over.

Even moaned so loudly when he climaxed that afterwards, they froze, Isak’s hand still around Even’s dick, listening to the flat for indications that anyone had heard them. When no one stirred after a few moments, Isak laughed a breathy laugh and moved his hand and wiped on his t-shirt. – Fuck, you were a little loud. 

– Sorry, Even laughed. He felt happy and spent. They both fell back onto the bed. Even cuddled up against Isak.

Isak sighed and pressed his body into Even’s, his hard dick digging into Even’s hip. 

_ Oh yeah,  _ Isak was still rock hard and wanting _.  _ Even moved his hand down to Isak’s hip and pulled him close. – I guess you want help with that, baby?

– Yeah… Isak sighed. 

Even kissed Isak’s shoulder and Isak moved even closer, one hand weaving itself into Even’s hair and the other reaching for Even’s hip. They both pulled the other in tightly, their legs re-tangling and their breath quickening again, Isak’s hot breath tickling Even’s cheek and collar bone.

– Mmm, Isak purred quietly, nestling his face into Even’s neck.

Even’s mouth involuntarily fell open, and he could feel his senses heighten and the need to touch grow again.  _ Wow. Again?  _ Even reached for Isak and his hand dragged slowly up Isak’s thigh. Isak began to shiver. Even’s fingers met his hard and silky wet dick and he gently began to rub it. Isak’s body was rocking faster and faster, his pleasure building quickly.

– Even, Isak whispered, his hand still woven into Even’s hair, pulling tightly. – Wait, wait, wait. I wanna… Fuck, you’re hard again. I want you to come too, baby.

Even sat up and leaned over to kiss him, letting their mouths meet. – Again? he smiled into Isak’s mouth. His mouth did not want to stop there. He kissed Isak gently on the neck, and then his chest. 

Isak groaned. – Yeah, again.

– So… What do you want? 

Isak sighed. – I don't know. Just...

Even leaned over to kiss his nipple and his hands met his hair, lacing into his locks and pulling him into him tightly. Even licked Isak’s nipple gently and then sucked on it, hard.

– Ahh, Isak whispered between shallow breaths. – Oh, keep doing that. 

Even did. He kissed and licked Isak’s nipple and chest, and then he began to kiss Isak’s stomach and navel. He finally began to kiss just above his groin when Isak suddenly sat up and pulled Even into his lap.

Even was now straddling Isak and Isak seemed to want their dicks to get closer.

They began to grind their dicks towards each other, sending waves of pleasure through Even’s body. Isak’s dick was so hard and silky wet against Even’s.

Isak looked dazed. His dark green eyes held Even’s gaze. – I’m so... close, he muttered. – Even…

Even couldn't quite believe it, but he was getting close, too. He reached for both their dicks so they could both thrust together into his hand.

In the end he could only hold their eyes locked and keep moving. This feeling was everything Even wanted.

Even quickened his pace. Isak’s body began to stiffen and he covered his mouth with one hand as he moaned. He panted and his body shook as he came all over their groins and Even’s hand.

Oh fuck, it was hot to watch him come. Even let go of Isak’s dick and chased his own release. After a few beats, the feelings became too much for Even, too, so much that he almost wanted to cry, or laugh, or lose himself completely. He didn’t have a chance. Something burst, he moaned and came, shaking and shivering all over. 

 

##  **Isak: So much for getting rest**

It felt like only minutes later when Isak woke up, hearing the rest of the flat waking up to start a new day.

– So much for getting rest, Isak muttered and cuddled closer to Even. Even felt warm and safe and the feeling of his body brought Isak a new peace. Isak never wanted to leave that bed again.

His morning wood twitched as he in a flash remembered the tumble in bed with Even the night before.  _ Damn _ . Even had come twice. That was pretty wild.

– Morning, Even muttered. Warmth radiated from the spot where Even’s lips just touched Isak’s neck, slowly spreading through the rest of him.

– Morning, Isak sighed. Here with Even he felt safe, and he felt a hope for the future. In Even’s embrace he started to believe that there were only good things ahead, and that they would be together like this forever. Shit, he was really growing soft.

– Mm… you said you loved me yesterday, Even muttered into his neck. He sounded a little giddy. 

Isak had to smile. Isak loved Even, and he knew that Even loved him back. That wasn’t bad at all, was it?

– I did, he smiled, letting his hand stroke over Even’s warm skin. – And so did you. 

– Yeah… Even moved and knelt right on top of him, his knees on either side of Isak's hips. He held Isak gently, cupping his face with one hand. He spent a moment studying Isak’s face. 

Isak felt his blush deepen under Even’s scrutiny but held his gaze. – What are you doing? Isak whispered.

– I just want to look at you, Even whispered back. He pressed a soft kiss against Isak's lips. – You’re so beautiful. 

Isak fought the instinct to roll his eyes and smiled instead. God, Even was so dorky sometimes.

Even dipped his head for a deeper kiss as his thumb and forefinger moved to grasp and roll Isak’s nipple. – I wanted to kiss you for so long. But, uhm, kissing isn’t enough right now.

He wiggled his eyebrows and Isak had to chuckle.

– I was hoping you'd say that, Isak muttered back. He kissed Even and pulled back. – But if I remember correctly, unlike me, you never spared me a lustful thought before that first kiss in the pool. You had a girlfriend, remember?

– Oh you're so wrong there, Even husked. His eyes were shining. – There was this time… this moment at the very beginning… when we had that first cuddle, and you looked at me. I wanted to kiss you so bad. 

Even looked lost in the memory. – I sometimes feel like everything that has happened since then was… inevitable, he shrugged. 

– I remember that day well, Isak rasped around the lump inside his throat. – I meant to treat you very professionally, you know. 

– You took your job seriously.

– Yes, I did. But then I made the mistake of looking at you and… you were so close. Isak sighed as he recalled that feeling all that time ago. –  wanted to kiss you so bad but I couldn't… didn't want to freak you out.

– Wow, Even said, smiling. His eyes were filled with so much love as he cupped Isak’s cheek. – I have never felt anything like this before, Isak… he whispered with so much feeling and reverence Isak's breath hitched in his throat.   
  
– I haven’t either, Isak whispered. He let his fingers sink into Even’s hair. – And fuck, I love it when you say my name like that.

Even chuckled and kissed him again. – Yeah?

Isak couldn't hold back a sigh. – Say it again, he whispered.    
  
– Isak… 

Even’s deep voice made Isak shiver. He had to chuckle a little over how silly he was, how easy he was, but he still kissed Even deeply. 

After a beat, Even pulled back. Something vulnerable and raw turned up in his eyes. – I might screw up, you know, he said. – I have fucked up a lot of stuff before. 

Isak swallowed as he noticed the fear in Even’s eyes. – Everybody fucks up, he said.

– But what if I become manic again? I mean, not if. I will get manic again. Depressed, too.  And what if I hurt you? You know this thing we have can become messy, right? Mania and depression can be scary. You don’t know what you’re getting yourself into.

Isak kept his gaze steady. – We will figure it out, Even, he said. – Let’s take one worry at a time.

Even’s eyes were open and wide. – You’re not worried?

Isak smiled while his heart beat almost painfully hard in his chest. He pulled Even closer and let his nose brush against Even’s. – I worry all the time. But not right now. Not now that I have you here.

Even sighed and it felt like it came from the bottom of his soul. – I can’t believe this, Even muttered. – I can’t believe how lucky I am to get to know you.

He leaned down and softly kissed the tender area at the base of Isak’s neck. Isak trembled and the euphoric warmth grew within him once more. After words like that, there was no way that they could get out without another tumble in the bed, anyway.

Isak was breathless as Even showered him with gentle, soft kisses, each with its own flicker of warmth. Isak gazed up at Even, thrilled beyond words to have this. Even gazed at Isak, his eyes softening with tenderness before sparking with something else. He tilted Isak’s head to the side and kissed him, his lips demanding. Isak felt a smoldering heat deep within him as Even’s grip tightened, crushing his body to his, gentle yet firm. They deepened the kiss.

Then they made love in the morning light, holding each other in a warm embrace. 

Well, it started out a little less romantically, as Even struggled with the condom. – We so need to get tested, he breathed, sounding slightly frustrated. 

– Yeah, Isak sighed and helped Even to open the small package. – Do you want to fuck me? he asked, and Even looked startled at him. 

– Uh, yeah? he said, blushing. – Do you want me to?

– Yeah, Isak said, and rolled the condom on Even dick. – I want to try that. 

Even nodded. His cheeks were really pink.  

Isak looked closer at him, curious. – You kinda like it, don’t you, Even? he asked. – You like it a lot, I can tell. Why?

Isak’s hand was still on Even’s dick, and Even looked like he needed to think hard to manage to answer. – I like that you know what you want, he admitted. – Because you want me.

Isak felt strangely pleased with the answer. He gave Even a soft smile. – You like that I want you?

Even nodded.

– That’s good, Isak said. He  used his time lubing up Even’s cock and Even used his time teasing Isak’s hole, and sticking a finger in. Isak's throbbing cock jerked at the feel of Even's slick movements. 

– Fuck, that’s hot, Isak sighed. He moved up to line his hole with Even's pulsing cock. – Now I want you to fuck me. 

Even’s breath hitched. – Yeah, he muttered.

Locking eyes with Even's, Isak held Even’s cock and pushed just the tip inside his tender ring, drawing a whimpering gasp of need from Even.

– Damn, you’re good, Even, Isak sighed. – You’re so good right now. 

Even nodded, he seemed to have lost his words. 

Isak, on the other hand, felt strangely chatty. – I'm never going to let you go, Even. I hope you know that, he rasped, twining his fingers into Even's hair. The feel of Even's heat inside of him was so good he never wanted it to stop.

– I'll die before I allow that, Even responded, reaching to grip Isak’s cock. Then with bated breath, he held himself steady as Isak began to slowly sink down his length. 

Isak loved the erotic moan that tore out of Even. Isak just loved how his man responded to him. His legs shook as Even's cock pushed inside him, stretching him. He gasped as he lowered himself on the cock, keeping his eyes open despite the urge to close them in pleasure. He licked his lips, drawing a moan from Even whose dilated eyes followed Isak’s tongue. – Fuck, Isak swore. He felt Even's balls against his ass and bucked, a rough moan emerging from his throat.    
  
– Yeah, fuck, Even muttered, but he looked so overcome with emotion. – You’re everything, Isak.    
  
Isak smiled, pretty sure his eyes revealed his joy, lust and love. – Well, so are you, he whispered as he started moving over Even. He let his hands roam over Even. – Fuck, I can't have enough of you, he whimpered, closing the gap between them to kiss Even with every ounce of love in him.   
  
And as both of them rocked against each other languidly, slowly building up to that amazing orgasmic bliss, Isak couldn't be more grateful for having Even. Isak loved how they could show each other with their bodies just how deep their love for each other ran. They had fallen in love when they shouldn't have. 

And now they finally had this.

Afterwards they lay side by side on the bed, exhausted and satisfied. Isak didn’t want to move ever again.  

They cuddled some more. Then they talked about everything and nothing. And cuddled some more.

Isak’s phone pinged in the middle of it all, and when Isak opened his phone, he hardly could believe his eyes. Tears formed in his eyes although he did all he could to swallow them back.

– Is everything okay? Is it something with your family?

– It’s mom, Isak whispered. He showed Even the text from his mom:  _ To Isak my Son: From the first second i saw you June 21nd at 21:21 I have loved you and i will love you for all eternity. _

– Wow, Even said.

– Yeah, Isak responded, holding his phone carefully in his hand, like it was a treasure. His mom accepted him. Loved him still. He swallowed thickly. – That was just what I needed to hear.

Even’s eyes smiled. – Yeah, he whispered. – I’m so glad for you, Isak. 

– Yeah.

– So. Do you think she’s ready? To see us both?

– I don’t know, Isak said. He breathed out a shaky breath. – But I guess it’s no rush. We’ve just starting to figuring out this thing, you and I.

– True, Even said and held him close. – It’s still early.

Isak nodded. – Actually, mom’s birthday is in three weeks. Maybe we could see her then?

Even smiled and pulled him closer. – Sounds like a good plan.

Isak could have stayed in bed forever, but in the end they managed to have some showers and put some clothes on. That was lucky, because all of a sudden Eskild and Linn were in the doorway.

– Isak! He’s awake! With the morning wood in the air! Oh, and Even is with him, too! 

Isak groaned, but Even chuckled next to him.

– Look here! Eskild continued, closely followed by Linn. – The Devil’s cave. That’s what I call it. Are you going to say hi?

– Hi, good morning, Isak muttered to the phone with Noora on the line. – Eskild, not now! Isak protested. – Even is here!

Eskild didn’t seem to hear him. He climbed into the bed with them and Linn followed. – Ah, the more, the merrier. Say hi to Noora!

So they did. There was no way back. It was pretty obvious that Noora was having a shitty time in London, and Isak wondered how long she would endure that situation. He also wondered if she would come back and claim her room. For some reason, that idea didn’t bug him at all like it would have done before. Everything seemed better and brighter, now that he had Even. He would figure things out. They would.

After the call, and after they had agreed to watch Even’s documentary later, Eskild and Linn left Isak and Even alone. 

Isak turned to his side so he faced Even. Even smiled a small smile. – This is nice, he said.

– Yeah, it is, Isak smiled back. He let his hand comb through Even’s hair. – And you know what, this is all because you decided it was a good idea to spoon with a stranger?

– This? Even mused with sparkle in his eyes, looking like he got it but wanted Isak to spell it out.

– Yeah,  _ this _ , Isak said, feeling a little embarrassed. – You and me. It’s just weird to think about how it all started.

Even smiled. – Yeah. I can hardly believe I did it. I’m not really brave about stuff like that.

– Brave when it matters, Isak protested.

– Maybe. You know, Even said, with laughter in his voice. – Someone asked me once, who would be foolish enough to cuddle with a stranger. And maybe this was kind of a foolish project. But I will never regret it.

The beautiful features of Even's face were suspended between sadness and joy. Seconds passed as Isak took him in, struggling to believe that this was real. That  _ they  _ were real. Isak’s brain couldn't formulate a thought, at least not one based in any language. Even pulled him close and then they were morphed into a single being. The warmth of Even’s body met Isak’s skin, giving hope. One of Even’s hands clasped around Isak’s lower back, the other stroked his hair. When they kissed it was sweet, gentle, and it tasted salty. Isak wanted to speak but all he could do was croak, – me neither.

Even’s mouth painted a soft smile and he folded into Isak’s arms again.

They didn’t have to talk more, not right now. They had the future ahead and wasting time wasn't on the agenda.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Soooo. It's not quite over yet. I made an epilogue. I will post that after this chapter. :)


	10. Even: Epilogue (Three weeks later)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here's a little epilogue! Remember, there's a new chapter before this that should be read first!

– Suddenly it seems like money matters most, Noora said. She was sitting between Linn and Eskild in the sofa with Isak and Even facing them. Even felt for her. An aching heart was a painful. And Noora looked miserable although she also seemed a little detached. Eskild groomed her hair and Linn petted her arm. – He just... He becomes completely different when he's around his father, she said, and she talked about how this boyfriend of hers looked up to his shitty dad.

Even had met her for the first time the night before, when Isak and he had come home early from the party and found Noora asleep on the couch. She had looked so small, there, like a blonde porcelain doll. She kinda looked small right now, too.

– To be completely honest, it hasn't been so easy here at home either, Eskild said now. He put on this slightly dramatic look that Even was starting to getting used to. – I don't know, it's been a bit like... There's been a lot of chaos. I love you, Even, and I, we, love you and Isak both. But it’s been a little much with all of us living here. Finding the cheese on the kitchen counter every morning, tea cups in the toilet and condoms everywhere...

– Eskild? Isak sighed. – Please…

– Well… it’s true! Eskild said. – You have to endure hearing that I'm happy to see Noora again. You don't have to be so jealous. I love you too.

– Jealous? Isak asked and met Even’s eyes. He looked a little annoyed, but slightly amused, as well. – Jealous or not, we have to find a solution because when Noora's going to live here now we'll be 4 in an apartment for 3.

– More like 5, Linn muttered, giving Even an apologetic look.

– Yeah. We need to figure this out, Isak said.

Eskild looked indignant. – Are you serious? Noora just came home after being dumped by the man of her dreams. The only thing you're thinking about is the sleeping arrangements.

Even saw that Isak was about to protest so he took his hand. – We can find a solution, he said. – Let us check out some things. And Noora. If your boyfriend loves you, and you love him, you’ll find a way

– Yeah, Eskild said. He kept grooming Noora’s hair. – And it's really nice to have you home again. Are you happy to be back home?

Even felt for Noora, but he didn’t know if he could more talk of this boyfriend of hers or how she was doing. He stood up. – Uhm, Isak and I need to get some things done, he said. – So. See you guys  later?

Isak got up, too. He looked relieved. – Yeah. Things to do.

– Okay, see you later, Noora said.

– Later, Isak said. He did one of his small, strange waves with his hand.

– Nice to meet you, Noora, Even added, and got a weak smile in return.

Isak followed him to his room. – Things? he asked, and flung himself on the bed. – What things are we doing, Even? And what possibilities are we checking out? It’s not like we have a lot of opportunities?

– Uhm… Even found his phone on Isak’s bed and sat down with it. He saw the missed call on his phone. – Oh. A missed call.

He didn’t know the number. What if… His heart started to beat faster, and he felt a warm blush in his cheeks.

– Well, that’s nothing new? Isak smiled. – You forget your phone all the time.

– Yeah. It’s a new number, though. And I have a new phone message.

His fingers shook. _What if this was the answer he was waiting for?_ He had sent in his documentary thingie to NRK two weeks ago, and he had almost lost hope that he would get an answer. _What if it was NRK?_

He looked at Isak. – What if it’s NRK?

– Oh, exciting! Isak grinned.

Even stared at his phone. – Yeah. More like, terrifying.

Isak got up from the bed, came closer and put a hand on his shoulder. – Seriously, Even, this is going to be great, he smiled. – Relax.

– Mm, Even muttered.

– They are going to love your documentary, Even. I know it.

– What if they hate it? Even groaned. He really didn't know why he was so scared. But he just was. And his worries was probably mixed with _that other thing_ that stressed him out. The thing he wanted to ask Isak about.

_First things first, though._

– Fuck it, he said and picked up his phone to listen to the phone message.

_– Hi, this is NRK..._

Even’s pulse beat loudly in his ears. He hardly registered anything as the woman on the phone introduced herself.

_– I am sorry if it has taken some time. We would love to show your documentary series about apps. There are some details we would want to discuss, but this documentary series  is something that would work perfectly with our profile…._

– Fucking hell, Even muttered. His mouth went dry and he could hardly speak.

– What? Isak asked, eyes wide.

– They’re gonna show it! Even grinned, feeling the euphoria rushing through his body. – We’re gonna be on TV!

Isak’s smile shone like a sun. – Damn! I knew it! That’s so cool, Even, he said an threw his arms around Even. – And. I can't believe I won the bet, Isak grinned, and Even laughed. Isak had betted that Even would get a positive answer before a month had gone, and now he seemed to be right.

– Yeah, you did.

Even stared into Isak’s green eyes and fell silent. What if Isak turned down his suggestion? These weeks of being together had been pure bliss. Even sometimes felt as though he was high on drugs. He felt on top of the world… as if he could conquer anything with Isak beside him. Of course, he had wondered about the possibility that he was getting hypomanic, but it didn’t feel like it. Isak did this to him. Isak was his world. Even wanted them to move in together. First back to his parents’ house for a while, and if that worked, they could find something for themselves. One day.

Though their relationship was strong already, Even felt that moving in together was a big step. He was finally ready to take that plunge but...he was terrified. Not because he thought he was doing the wrong thing. _Hell no!_ Even was sure of this. His only problem was that he was scared of rejection.

Even could picture Isak saying something like... ‘We are happy as we are now. Why change it?’ Even didn't want to hear anything like that. He never thought asking such a simple question could be so terrifying.

Isak looked at him. – You look tense. Shouldn’t you be happy right now?

– Yeah, Even said and looked back. He couldn't help appreciating Isak’s looks. Only Isak could manage to look hot in a simple grey hoodie. Isak looked hot in anything. He seemed to be getting even sexier day by day, actually. – I am happy.

Isak’s hand moved up to cup Even’s cheek. Even's eyes fluttered close as he turned his face into the caress. He pressed a kiss into Isak's palm.

– Are you sure you’re alright? Isak asked softly. At Even's nod, he smiled. – That’s good.

Even held back a groan and dipped his head and took Isak's lips in a gentle kiss. Quivering with nerves, he tried to lose himself in the kiss. Isak’s lips were sweet as always. It felt like home.

In the end, he had to pull back for air. – Damn, it’s so easy to forget everything with you, he whispered against Isak’s lips.

– I know, Isak murmured breathlessly, scattering tiny kisses all over Even's face. He smiled with a teasing look in his eyes. – That’s because you’re a perv. Anything turns you on. Honestly, you’re so easy, Even.

Even burst into laughter. – I am, am I?

– Yeah, you can’t keep your hands off me, Isak sucked Even's lower lip into his mouth. – Can you?

 _God_ , Even loved it when Isak was like this.

– No, that’s true. Everything about you is a turn on for me, love, Even laughed shakily. He pulled Isak closer. – I'm so hot for you right now, he growled into Isakr's ear, his voice husky with want.  
  
– Fuck, Isak breathed, stepping slowly out of Even's embrace like it was painful to do. He shoved his hand through his hair, like he tried to pull himself together. – I guess we have things to figure out. Or maybe we should eat? I have forgotten to eat today, and…

– Are you very hungry? Even asked, wondering if Isak could hear the undercurrents of arousal and nerves in his voice.

– Nope, Isak shook his head. – I just wanted to eat to get my mind off what I _really_ want, he grinned. – Since the flat is full and everything.

 _Okay_. _This is it. Time to do it._

Even took a deep breath. – I need to ask you something very important, Isak, he said. His voice remained steady, but he was anything but calm.  
  
– Shoot, Isak folded his arms across his chest and stared intently at Even, who just looked back at him. Suddenly it was as if he'd forgotten what he wanted to ask. Well, he had. Maybe not forgotten it, but he didn’t know _how_ to ask.   
  
After a small eternity, Even swallowed hard and reached out to take one of Isak's hands so that he had to unfold his arms.  – It’s not really such a big deal, but I would love it if you say yes, Even started, instead of asking his question.   
  
– Oh fuck... Isak groaned, looking exhasperated. – _Yes_ , I'll move in with you, Even, he said dryly.

– What? Even gasped. – How did you... Really? You will? But how did you know?

– You look so fucking adorable when you get flustered, Isak grinned. – I just guessed. When you started to talk about things we could do and possibilities, that was the only thing I could think of.

– Oh, yeah, Even smiled. – Good point. I just didn’t think you would guess it.

– Looks like that was a good thing, though. You were beginning to turn green, Isak smiled. – Well, now I know that you suck at stuff like this. You should leave the proposing to me, you know.

He laughed but then he saw Even’s startled look.

– Proposing? Even said, grinning wide. – Are you telling me that you consider proposing to me, Isak?

– It was just a joke, Isak said, rolling his eyes and blushing at the same time. – I didn’t mean it like that!

Even couldn’t help laughing. – No, you said it! Admit it! You want to propose to me!

Isak just laughed and kissed him. – It’s a little bit early, Even. But if it happens, it’s going to be the best fucking proposal and the best marriage, too.  

– Yeah, Even kissed him back, feeling as if his heart was too big for his chest. The laughter disappeared as he locked eyes with Isak. – I thought we could move into my parents’ house for a little while? Until we find something else?

When Isak didn’t answer at once, he added: – The bed is not that big, but it can work. And I can tell mom and dad not to bother us too much. 

Isak smiled a quick smile. – I used to sleep in a fucking basement, Even. A narrow bed or your parents hanging around is not a problem. But Uh… Are you sure your parents won’t mind?

– Not at all, Even said. – I guarantee you that mom will _love_ it. And to be honest, they might like that they'll see me more.

Isak‘s smile had grown wider. – Okay, that sounds good. Until we find something else.

– Fantastic, Even said and hugged him close. – You have no idea how happy and relieved I am right now, he said softly.

Isak looked a little flustered. – Jeez, we’re just staying with your parent’s house, it’s not like we’re buying a house or anything?

– Yeah. But still. It’s pretty big.

Isak smiled. – Yeah. Yeah it is. Actually, I can't imagine not spending every day of every year forever with you. So thank you for asking. No scratch that… you didn't even have the balls to ask… Isak burst into delighted laughter when Even suddenly grabbed his wrist and drew his hand to his crotch to rub his balls through his pants.  
  
– What does that feel like if not balls? Even teased and then promptly moaned when Isak Isak squeezed his cock.   
  
– Christ, you have nothing on beneath these pants, Isak gasped, stroking Even's rapidly stiffening dick through his shorts. He grinned. – You're so easy.   
  
– Fuck, that feels so good, Even sighed.

Then he jumped, when Isak’s phone pinged. _Damn_.

Isak sighed and moved back to pick up his phone and look at it. – A text from dad. He can drive later over to mom later.

– Oh. Good, Even said. He took a deep breath so he could get his feelings in check. They were going to celebrate Marianne’s birthday later, and he knew how nervous Isak was about that. – Or isn’t it good? he asked.

Isak shrugged. – It is. I’m still kinda pissed at dad. But I guess I gotta tell him to step up. And, well, he’s been supportive about me coming out and shit. That’s not too bad.

– Good point.

– And this is for mom, anyway, Isak smiled.

– Yeah.

Isak pulled Even closer again. – So, is everything ready for later? he asked.

– Yeah, Even smiled. – The present is wrapped up and I have found our very appropriate casual good looking clothes for us.  

Isak smiled. – Good.

– Yeah, good.

– Then I want you to myself for a little while, Isak muttered. He let his fingers play with Even's hair. –  We have quite a lot to celebrate, right? NRK and moving in together and everything?!

Even raised his eyebrows. – What about the others? Linn, Eskild and Noora?

Isak shrugged and smiled a little. – I don’t really care about the others right now. I just care about you. Besides. We can be quiet.  
  
Even laughed. – Well, I agree. Those are all valid points.

– Yeah they are, Isak said. - Soon we’re going out to eat with mom and dad. We’re going to figure out if we can stay with your parents, too. And we’re gonna tell Noora and the others about it. But right now, I just wanna be with you. Is that too much to ask?

Even smiled. Isak seemed so determined that it was kinda breathtaking. – No it's not, he said.

He sat down on the bed and watched with a smitten smile on his face as Isak pulled off his t-shirt, trousers and socks. In no time at all, Isak had stripped Even out of everything, baring his hard leaking cock to the cool air in the room. Even moved back till he was in the center of the bed, grinning as he watched a still clothed Isak crawl up after him till he knelt right on top of him, his knees on either side of Even's hips. Then Isak just stared down at Even.

– What? Even whispered.

– I’m just so glad I have you here, Isak said, blushing a little. – I think I'll never stop loving you, you know.

Even had to swallow away a lump in his throat. – Not even when I fuck up?

– Not even when you fuck up. Or when I fuck up.

Even paused for a moment, as he thought of something that had been lurking in the back of his mind. – I’ve felt very good, lately. Very good. I don’t think it’s hypomania, but I guess I can’t know for sure.

He hoped Isak heard the careful warning behind his words.

Isak nodded. – Well, you know what I use to say to that. Right?

Even huffed a laugh. The relief was overwhelming. Isak heard his worry and he said just what Even needed to hear.

– Yeah. One worry at a time, Even smiled. – So… What do we worry about right now, then?

Isak held his gaze and smiled a teasing smile. – Now we only worry about when we are going to stop talking and finally start making sweet love to each other!?

– Oh, we should start right now, then, Even chuckled. He kissed Isak. – I want you so much right now, Isak.

– Hmm… It’s good that I want you, too, then. Bad news is I plan on taking my time.

Isak closed his teeth around a taut nipple and worried it deliciously.  
  
– Oh my God... Even gasped as his eyes fluttered close.   
  
Isak laughed a breathy laugh, pulled off the nipple in his mouth and moved down Even's body. – Good news is we have several hours before we need to go anywhere.

Even's throbbing cock jerked at the feel of Isak's breath on its wet head. – I plan to use them, Isak said, and he swallowed Even's cock to the hilt.

Even moaned, and lost himself in the sensations of Isak. This was it. He was so grateful for this thing Isak and he had, that he could hardly believe it. They still had a lot of things ahead, a lot of things they didn’t know, but what Isak and he had was already so much more than Even ever could have hoped for.

No matter what happened, they would have each other. That was more than enough.

**Author's Note:**

> I hope you liked it. Please leave me a comment if you like it or not! :) By the way, you can find me on Tumblr as [@hjertetssunnegalskap1](https://www.tumblr.com/blog/hjertetssunnegalskap1) and on Insta as [@hjertetssunnegalskap](https://www.instagram.com/hjertetssunnegalskap).


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